I need a pep talk

[constantmargaret]

I posted a couple months ago about my 17 year old son. We have not been in contact since his hate filled FB letter in December enumerating my maternal sins. 

This is his senior year in High School, and he is my last child of 6. The final spring band concert is tomorrow night, and I have decided to go. I'm not going to try to talk to him or even say hello. I just want to make an appearance, and let him see that I still care about him and want to see him. I want him to see that despite that letter, I still love him.

I am going with no expectations, but I would be a liar if I said I'm going with no hope.  I do have hope. I hope it will make a difference. He is young, and I haven't given up hope yet. But you know what? I'm scared.

Scared of my own kid. Scared of further rejection.  Scared of the looks from teachers and parents who know I have had no contact with my son since December. (I don't even know that anyone knows this...)

Scared of my own hope.

[luise.volta]

I will be thinking of you. You have your self respect and your knowledge that you did your best...tuck them into a pocket over your heart and take them with you. Others' perceptions and options and reactions are of their making, not yours. They reflect their limitations, not yours. Sending love...

[Didi.lost]

I have been saying this for years. Fb ruins lives. My dd just loves
To post all her rants and raves about me on their too. Its embarassing
And untrue. But we just have to remember we did our  best
Raising them and hope some day they realize that
Good luck be strong and i hope it goes well for you

[somom]

Dear CM, Boy I think there is something really messed up with the world when a mother has to be afraid to watch her own child at school at a band concert! First thing I thought of was dumb kids!  Sorry but that seems to be soooo very true here. God bless you, and I respect your strength and courage.  I hope he will see what a mother is truly made of.  Nothing that he is made of that is for sure.

[Pen]

CM, we will all be there with you. You're doing the right thing.

Attend the event with grace, dignity, and kindness. Keep your head up. Be cool, keep emotions in check. I like to wear a piece of jewelry or some other accessory that will remind me that I'm a confident woman with every right to be there & to stay calm and collected. Make sure you feel confident by having time to dress/prepare and not be in a big rush.

Best wishes!

[lancaster lady]

Dear CM,     You wont like this but ........why set yourself up for a fall ? At the moment I know you're hurting but imagine how  you'll feel if your  worst scenario happens and there is a scene ? I hope this doesn't happen and things go well , I just worry.for you . Wear your best armour CM , good luck .

[artlady]

I'll be thnking of you and hope for the best at the concert . Letting him know you still care is a very postive no matter how hard it is going to be ,in the end it will be to your benefit. Good luck

[Ruth]

I'm sure you know I've walked in your shoes, Constantmargaret.  This isn't a black/white call, all of us are different and one decision may work for one of us and not another.  All the responses were good I thought, and I loved Pen's response about going with dignity, your head held high.  I tend to lean this way, CM.  I went to a lot of events whilst under my own DS's unloving attitude of me.  I went 42 hrs one way on a g/h bus to attend his military graduation, still dealing with a very serious injury that had nearly completely blinded me in one of my eyes.  I went to high school grad, stood in the background.   All those things hurt, but I don't have any regrets.  I fully plan to attend college grad this fall, and all things that I know are important milestones for my DS, the only disqualifier being that if he should point blank tell me not to come. 

I also think its a very sad place we have come to, where we not only have to fear the personal private agonizing accusations and rejections of our a/c, but they can now be published free of charge to the free world.  It hurts very much.  Personally, I would go if I were you.  Your DS is very young, Margaret.  They can be so brain dead at 18 and slow to mature and think abstractly.  I've been doing some research in this area lately, and am shocked at just how naive and uninformed I've been about this subject.  Go with confidence, and with patience that this is a waiting game, and each stone you lay is only going into the foundation, which you will have to wait to see the structure come to a whole.  I would not try and approach him, but leave immediately after it is over.  Don't give him any sense of power or gratification in seeing you weak.  We are strong women, we can take a lot.  I often think of Eleanor Roosevelt and how she lived with such dignity and strength, refusing to go down to the level of her critics.  I am confident in your loving and sweet heart, Margaret, and that in time this will all be changed.  Have faith.   

[justus]

I so know how you feel. My DS's last two years of HS were awful and he was not a nice person. He didn't get into any serious trouble, but he was the kind of person that went out of his way to be a jerk. He didn't graduate from this HS, because he simply blew off a couple of classes. I didn't even know about one of them and the school never informed me. I will be honest and say that I had kind of given up by that point. There was no way I could force him to do his homework, so I just let it ride and let him deal with the consequences.

My FOO had a lot to do with his issues. My M had decided to compete with me for his affection. She taught him to lie to her about what was actually going on, spoiled him, went behind my back to help him get around punishment, talked badly about me and DH with him and in front of him and many other things. The rest of the FOO went along with it.

We live in a small town, our two DDs did very well in school, and DH and I both work at the college in town, so we are well known. It is impossible to go to the grocery store without several people we don't know saying "hi" to us. Going anywhere was hard, because I just knew that people were looking at me and thinking, "Oh, that is So and So's Mom." You can't help but feel like a failure when your kid is choosing to fail.

Even though he didn't graduate, they let him participate in the graduation ceremony. We didn't do anything for him, because he didn't actually graduate, but I did attend the ceremony. My FOO all went to the ceremony, threw him a big party and gave him lots of gifts for not graduating. Going to that ceremony alone was one of the most difficult things I have ever done, but I am glad I did it and he appreciated it even if he couldn't tell me at the time.

So, go, let him see you, don't approach him or speak to him. Respect his boundaries. Let him come to you, but don't be surprised if he doesn't. It will be worth the effort in the long run.

My DS just visited us, he is now 23 and the visit went great. He apologized for how awful he was and thanked us for putting up with him. He isn't speaking to most of my FOO and is avoiding the rest. After graduation, he got out of Dodge as quickly as he could, causing as much damage as he could. Along the way, he learned that there was value in what DH and I were trying to teach him and that my M had used him badly to get to me. He pulled his life together despite all of us and is in school now to be an engineer. I am very proud of him.

[constantmargaret]

Wow!

I am so touched by every response here. Thank you one and all.

I think I'm still hopeful because  my son is young. He is just repeating the garbage he hears about me from his father. My kids were all subject to that. This isn't my first rodeo. I've had other kids cut me out of their lives only to return later like nothing ever happened.

LL, I appreciate your concern, and believe me, I have imagined the worst. My son grabs the mic from the band leader, flips me off from stage and gives me his best shot, "You are a lousy mother and a gold digger and a lazy mooch who expects my father to support you and you won't let me smoke in your house and there was no food in the house when I was hungry!"  (I know I don't have to defend myself from those ridiculous accusations to you wise women, but there was always plenty of food on his bedroom floor.)

I just wouldn't feel right not going. Anything he can do to me short of physical harm has already been done. He's played all his trump cards.

I will go and make all you ladies proud of me. I will be holding onto my husband and daughter for support, but my son will not see my fear. He will see the strong, beautiful, caring, loving, smiling and forgiving person who has loved him his entire life. What he does with that is up to him.

I can't tell you all how much I appreciate that you took time to respond to my post when I know that many of you have worse problems than an immature and clueless teenager. Big group hug. I will let you know how it turns out, and I will wear my biggest pendant as a shield over my heart. You will all be there with me.

[elsieshaye]

Sending you lots of support, CM.  Let us know how things go.

[Ruth]

What an angel you are, I'm almost wiping tears, Margaret, you have inspired me today and given me a lot to think about!   I loved the 'bedroom floor' comment that was a real classic, Margaret.  Go on to that concert and give 'em heck because you have paid your dues.

[diazdebbie]

You go Girl!!...We're all in your corner.  Amen

[constantmargaret]

Ok, I'm back alive, sort of.

The concert was bittersweet. My son looked great. Thinned out, matured. Played the drums amazingly well. Had all the most challenging parts. Had a speaking part introducing the band leader. I just feasted my eyes on his face all night. Pushed back the tears. Squeezed my poor husband's hand off. I don't know if he ever saw that we were there. I'm going to send a little card saying we enjoyed the concert, that he did a wonderful job, and that I'm proud of him. If he chucks it in the trash, I won't know, but I want him to know I was there.

The one thing that did happen that I could never have planned for and that I totally didn't see coming wrecked me before I ever got out the front door. I mentioned that my daughter was attending the concert with me and my husband. I asked her last night if she would go with me to support me and she agreed.

Background....this DD is 25, has graduated from our state University, then decided to do a 2 year certificate program in dental hygiene. She's broke, like me, and to support her, I have allowed her to live here with my husband and me, room and board free. I can't really contribute financially to her education, but she can live here. I don't ask much (anything) of her. She is a happy go lucky girl with a charming personality. I love her, but how can I say this? She is kind of a user. She does nothing here to help out, unless I specifically ask. People love her, take her out for drinks, her father makes her car payments and insurance and gives her a gas card. Her friend pays for a gym membership that she can take her to. I usually get along fine with her, because I don't require much (anything) from her.

So she agrees to come to her brother's concert with me tonight for support. She comes home to get ready, and informs me that she will be giving her father a ride to the concert, then meet us in the auditorium. Well, being wound tight as a three day clock all day, I lost it.  I specifically asked her to come WITH me to support me.  She knows her father is my mortal enemy. She knows what her father has done over the years to denigrate me in my children's eyes. She knows we despise one another.He is the reason my son hates me. We got into an argument before the concert. She claimed she couldn't say no to her dad because he pays for her car. I said, you don't have a problem saying no to me, after you already said you would go with me, and you live here in my house. We yelled at each other, she called me immature and retarded and said she felt like she was 14 again getting caught in the middle. I said you could have said, "I'm sorry Dad, I can't give you a ride as I already told mom I would ride with her." Blah blah blah

30 minutes before the concert we were both red eyed from crying. I told her I didn't even want her to come with me anymore. Later she apologized, but curiously, I didn't feel inclined to forgive her and I haven't really yet. She called her older brother and asked him to give his father a ride so we did end up going together and sitting together, but the essence was lost.

It was like a sniper attack. I was so focused on my son and xh and any possible thing they could do to hurt me, but I didn't expect friendly fire. I know I was sensitive and under ordinary circumstances this wouldn't have ruffled me. But tonight I had had enough. She is old enough to see how things are, and old enough to know I was asking for  her support for a reason. I told her I was asking her to come with me because I was nervous. She was too weak to stand up for what's right. And I am sick of her selfishness. I rarely ask for anything. The one time I do, she picks the one person to favor over me I hate more than I can describe, and then calls me retarded for getting upset.

I hate kids.

[somom]

Dear CM,  I am so very sorry that happened.  Somehow it seems that Mom's feelings are always on the bottom of the list.  I have felt that same pain many times with 6 children.  I guess the one good thing is that you stayed true to your heart and stood up for the way you feel.  Everyone else gets to do that.  The older I get the more your statement "I hate kids" has crossed my mind also.  I wish sometimes they would just get that Mom is not superwoman; she is just a woman with a heart that breaks just like everyone else's.  I guess your DD knows a little more about the depth of your feelings now, and she eventually did do what she should have from the beginning.  You stood tall and did not falter despite it all.  I just want you to know I think you are doing all the right things.