DS coming for a visit

[forever spring]

My DS left his family about five months ago and though we did see him in the meantime he was very distant and strange, so DH and myself had no way really to get through to him. He rang the other day to ask whether he could come to see us (DH and I live in a different country, so it is an effort). We are very pleased about this.
Of course, we are looking forward to him coming very much indeed but at the same time I want to get it right and take this visit as a chance to improve our relationship, at the same time I don't want to be too clingy or expect too much.
I'm very upset about what happened to him and his former DW and our GK who we now can't see any more because the FOO have taken over completely. So how can I get this right and make the most of DS visit?
He is in a very bad state at the moment because he is declined access to his own DSs, so everything is in limbo at the moment and we are all hurting.

[jdtm]

So how can I get this right and make the most of DS visit?

I don't have a lot of wisdom/experience in answering this question but I'm wondering if "listening, listening and more listening" might be the more prudent route.  Unless asked for advice, it might be wise to offer none (and even then, very little comments or opinions).  It will be difficult, but try to keep queries about your grandchild few and comments neutral - as for the DIL, I wouldn't mention her or comment on her at all.  It is going to be difficult for all but I do believe this is the time to be "there" for your son and follow his "lead".  Often times, less is more.  So sorry ....

[forever spring]

Thank you so much for your reply. It has been most helpful. Not to mention DIL is a good thing under the circumstances because I have done this during telephone conversations and always got the vibes that I shouldn't have.
The listening, listening, listening is so important now.
Thanks again for taking the time to think about and respond to somebody's problems who you don't even know as a person. It is like a balm.

[lancaster lady]

I agree , listen and take his lead .
Perhaps he is coming for a reason , and wants your help and advice .
It's comforting to know he comes to you in his hour of need , I hope you can help each other .

[luise.volta]

It sounds like he has made some choices that have put him between a rock and a hard place. And I think that visiting you is a huge compliment to you...because he must feel you are supportive no matter what. Here's what I tell myself in similar situations with my beloved son..."Open you heart and shut your mouth, Luise." (I don't always take my own advice.) Sending love...

[Pen]

I agree with everyone, FS. It may not be easy to do, but IMO it's the right thing.

[Pooh]

I have nothing to add as I agree with the others.  Just wanted to say I am glad you are getting to see him.

[Smilesback@u]

I can feel your heart in this, and wanting to give comfort to your DS because you are grieving the loss like him.  Since you want to focus on him and give him support, listen, listen, listen, and then understand.  I read a book that said that and it is so true.  You don't need to give advice, just get the ball rolling.  Get him talking about his perspective, how he is getting on with his life, with a lot "oh"s and "hmm"s and "really?"  "good for you"  "that must be tough" and "what do you do to get through it?"  "what is working for you now?"  "What can I do to support you?"  "I appreciate your time and sharing with me".  Listen, listen and understand.  I know you want to fix it, and sounds like this visit is a time to renew, get a second wind, and regroup.  Glad you were picked as someone who would understand.  tough situation...sorry for your loss.  I would feel sad to have GK withheld and focus only being given to FOO. Some time people have success with keeping in touch, sending postcards to GK showing interest in their lives, and that works until something better happens.  Good luck,