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Son and significant other has decided I can't see my three grandbabies

Started by cmyers2028, April 25, 2012, 11:13:49 PM

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Vasilisa

My MIL had the habit of telling her DILs (and maybe other people, I don't know) that they "needed" to keep a gift because it was expensive. I really resent it when people give me something and then talk about how much it cost, whether it was cheap or expensive. That makes the gift lose all value for me because I feel as though they're telling me exactly how much I'm worth in monetary terms, either telling me I'm not worth much if the item was a bargain or complaining that it cost too much and I'm not really worth it.

In my opinion, that's giving with strings attached. The only good reason to give a gift is because you want to give pleasure to that person. You can't expect anything, including gratitude or appreciation. Which is not to say that decent people won't appreciate or shouldn't show gratitude for gifts given in this spirit, but the giver cannot expect it.

Of course, if you repeatedly give gifts and the person who recieves them isn't thankful and/or doesn't use the gifts, there's nothing wrong with deciding that you will stop giving to that person and spend your time and effort on someone who will appreciate it.

pam1

Oh gosh, Vasilia, I know exactly what you mean!  My MIL did the same.exact.thing with gifts too and it drove me *nuts* for a long time.  I probably have several dozen posts on here about her gift giving behavior and how much it bothered me. 

It occurred to (not very long ago btw) that it really had nothing to do with me, this was her behavior.  This was her rudeness, this was her choosing to cross explicitly stated boundaries.  I could choose to let this bother me or take action.  DH and I spoke so many times over the years about this and the last time we set our boundaries and stuck to them.  We don't do gift exchanges with them.  Stopped cold.  She was told and told why, and really since we talked so much over the years how we would like to compromise etc, it shouldn't have come as a surprise to her, but somehow it still did.

If there wasn't DD involved it's likely that I would have just ignored her, but I felt strongly enough that this was not something I wanted DD growing up with.

What I'm taking a long time to say is that, in my experience, this is something you've got to choose whether it's a hill to die on or something to let go of.  You're not going to change her, you're not going to change her comments, what she buys etc.  You know how she is and you know what bothers you.  You have more options than just doing the same thing over and over with her and getting bothered by it.  You can choose to let it go, stop the gifts etc. 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

NewMama

Elsie and Pam, I see where you're coming from. I think I feel compelled to keep the gifts because I'm having such a hard time with MIL lately, and if she finds out that I got rid of them it will make it worse. She has good intentions, like buying pacifiers for our visits to her house or the babyproofing supplies, so I feel guilty. My MIL is the opposite of Vasilisa/Pam's - she'll criticize others for spending money on gifts for my DS and play up that she got something on sale/second hand (which I don't care about, and I wouldn't want to hear if it was super expensive either). His favorite toy up until recently was not cheap, but it was his favorite and made him stop crying (worth it's weight in GOLD to me). I heard about that for months. I don't want to know how much money anyone spends on us, and I don't want anyone to do things they can't afford to either. Just come and visit the kid, he doesn't need anything fancy!

Vasilisa

Quote from: NewMama on May 04, 2012, 08:13:02 AM
Elsie and Pam, I see where you're coming from. I think I feel compelled to keep the gifts because I'm having such a hard time with MIL lately, and if she finds out that I got rid of them it will make it worse. She has good intentions, like buying pacifiers for our visits to her house or the babyproofing supplies, so I feel guilty. My MIL is the opposite of Vasilisa/Pam's - she'll criticize others for spending money on gifts for my DS and play up that she got something on sale/second hand (which I don't care about, and I wouldn't want to hear if it was super expensive either). His favorite toy up until recently was not cheap, but it was his favorite and made him stop crying (worth it's weight in GOLD to me). I heard about that for months. I don't want to know how much money anyone spends on us, and I don't want anyone to do things they can't afford to either. Just come and visit the kid, he doesn't need anything fancy!

My MIL IS like this. The first time she gave me a Christmas gift, she told me as I was unwrapping it that she never pays full price for anything. It is precisely because she is so into sales and thrift stores (which is fine, nearly everything I own from furniture to shoes I bought used) that she is very aware of how much things cost; if she pays more than $10-20 for something, it is "expensive" and I must keep it. She even told me that I needed to keep a baby gift her daughter gave us because it was expensive ... and yes, she is somewhat critical of/astonished by people who spend money differently, but that doesn't come up much.

Anytime someone places an emphasis on how much the gift cost, whether she's crowing over getting a good bargain, knocking other people for spending too much or too little, or making sure you know her gift was expensive, that puts the focus on money rather than affection, care, and thoughtfulness. Nobody wants that. It really IS the thought the counts, and some people are only thinking about how much money they can save while scratching you off their shopping list, or how self-sacrificing they are for running up a big bill for you at Dollar Tree.

Pooh

I agree with everything you guys are saying and I have been on the other end of that too.  I've given a nice gift to my DIL only to have her wrinkle her nose and say, "Oh, an IPOD.  I wanted the bigger 8g not the 4g."  After I had searched everywhere for the pink one, because her words were "I will die if it's not pink."  Well guess what Missy?  That's what you got.  Lol.

I do get it.  I always say thank you and then decide later what to do with it if I can't use it.  Same thing with the kids.  My MIL would always buy age inappropriate toys.  She had good taste, just would be about 2-3 years ahead.  So I would hide them away and she would ask about them.  I told her the truth.  "They aren't quite big enough for it yet, so I put it up until then."  She didn't like it, and griped, but I couldn't help that.  Some of the things she would buy at Christmas that were age appropriate, but I just didn't have room (she went overboard), I would say, "Can we leave some of the toys here so they will have something to play with?"  She loved that and I didn't have to figure out what to do with it.  I noticed after a few years of that, she didn't buy as much, as she was running out of room too!
 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

constantmargaret

When my son was born my mom bought him a bugs bunny sweatsuit for Christmas. Nine months later she gave him the same outfit in a bigger size. 3 months later I bumped into her in the store with yet another bugs bunny sweatsuit under her arm. I asked her who it was for and she said it was for my son for Christmas. I said, "Mom, you've already given him that outfit twice!"

She looked mortified and said, "I did?"

We laughed so hard in the store about that and when she finally stopped laughing she said, "Oh well, at least I'm consistent!"

I bet if what happened between my mother and me happened between some MIL/DILs, somehow it wouldn't be so funny.

Vasilisa

I guess she really, REALLY liked that Bugs Bunny outfit. I hope you did, too, since you had to see it for so long.