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Still concerned for DD's well being and new baby

Started by artlady, April 06, 2012, 11:54:31 AM

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luise.volta

My take: It may be that none of this makes sense to you. You seem pretty focused. Maybe just try being kind to yourself. Would that help? What can you do that is just about you and for you and isn't connected with anyone else? It's your job to orchestrate your own healing. Others are in charge of theirs unless they are our dependents and those days have come and gone. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

artlady

Oh I don't cry everyday , just my heart, and yes it is very hard to go through as we are or were so very close prior to her marriage to the SIL, and he use to be to until the wedding day, since then he treats us like dirt. So it has not just been the baby it has been a 2 year adjustment of what can we do , and we have been as nice as we can be. I have tread very lightly with DD , encouraged her and listened during this fussy baby time . I know she is overwhelmed and doesn't need to worry about her mom or dad. My DH is as distraught over this as I am being we r both very sensitive and loving people makes it hard not to try to do something to encourage a better relationship with SIL but he never reciprocates. Now all holidays DD said they want them at their house starting their own traditions , I understand but I was hoping that some could still be here as we have 2 other grandsons and families , hers is not the only one . Hey I'd be tickled with a one a week call vs updates via text /emails . Now they r doing the "Feder Method' or " cry out " that is suppose to be started when a baby is between 4-6 months , pediatrician said not to let him cry more that an hour. To nurse for only 5-10 minutes per side and not to feed him more than every 3 hours .  I wonder about all this and this pediatrician they go to as a friend suggested her and she likes her . This is the same pediatrician that told the friend to change lock to outside to lock 3 year old in bedroom to keep her from coming in their room , calling out for her mom and mom going or getting up going to playroom. That to me is very odd, what about the feeling of that child locked in her room. She has thrown temper tantrums when she  couldn't get out and torn up things because of it. Now this is the pediatrician they r listening to for this 10 week old baby, I understand trying to get on a schedule but I"m not so sure about this self soothing to sleep, the method even says if they vomit you clean it up but don't' pick up the child . I"m sure it works for some but at this age rocking to sleep is such a good experience for all . SIL was concerned about his sleep prior to baby and where he might have to sleep, he is a very light sleeper , sleeps with ear plugs and wave machine plus i don't' think he realized this might be a while for his sleep time to return and that his wife would be giving more time to the baby then him and he is maybe a bit jealous which i know is part of the new time with baby but for one that has to be center of attention that might be even harder . No I"ll be fine , if she is happy I'm fine but there is no way I won't worry about her and I don't' plan on being in the middle of it and she knows I'm here in her heart but with SIL not wanting family contact or involvement from either his or her family for holidays etc then that puts DD who is use to family traditions in a real mess but they will have to start their own of which is how it is . I'm sure she wants things to be different and does want her mother around her more but it is very hard to go there when he is there , and my DH feels like an intruder when we go when he is not home knowing he doesn't want us around . This is going to take time and we do have other things to help us fill in the gaps , I just vent here as I  can , so it is the sounding board I need right now as I can't and wont' talk to dd as she has a full plate and no space for anything else right now . She has and is a very sweet loving DD I'm sure she will do the right thing and once the dust settles , she has time to adjust she might see things that don't' suit her and speak up for herself. I just hope she doesn't get to beaten down, controlled and loses her own self esteem in the process that will truly be bad . It will work out , might not be the way we had expected or wanted but what in life ever turns out like we think it will. Thanks all and don't worry I'll get through this by hook or crook   LOL

lancaster lady

hi art ,

Does this paediatrician have any children of her own ?
I don't know how any mother could listen to a baby crying for an HOUR .
Or locking a child in a bedroom ?
These two things scream at me , I can't imagine that poor child locked in crying for someone to come .
Also a baby surely cries when something is wrong , even if they just need a cuddle and reassurance .
Not to lift a baby after being sick is surely dangerous ?
Oh dear , I am surely getting old if these are the new techniques for child rearing , I can feel my blood
pressure rising just with the worry .
I hope your DD doesn't adapt these methods and goes with her own instincts .

artlady

Oh no they started this Ferber method last week after the 2 month check up which now you don't go after hospital till 2 months. I was concerned about his weight gain , him still in the 10% for weight but height was 75% which is fine . Now to I'm sure satisfy that light sleeper SIL they have got to get him on a better night schedule than DD getting up to nurse . Oh they  let him cry the first night was 20 , next was 15- 20 and the next was 40  . She said it almost killed, she wanted to pick him up so bad, but as non flexible and rigid as the SIL is , and a research engineer he goes by the book no changes ( hey we can't even play board games here and cheat a little for fun with him). The bottom line is he can't sleep even with his ear plugs , so this baby has to get on SIL 's schedule . DD is home all day .  Anyhow no matter why I've now added another worry to my list for this sweet little gs who is today 10 weeks old , been very fussy, gassy and big time nurser.
So his feedings are lessened and now he is forced to sleep times that suit them , I just don't understand , he is a baby for crying out loud let him be one for  awhile longer they grow up to fast and what is wrong with cuddling and rocking to sleep. It has been going on for ages and ages. If they come here to visit and that is how it is I'll be walking the block as I can't take that crying for that long . Not this old woman lol

Doe

Maybe you could start focusing on the positives in this situation.

she talks to you and appreciates you
they are not homeless
you can see the grandbaby
the husband isn't addicted to drugs or in drug rehab
the husband is working to support his family
they are looking forward to growing their family
they aren't starving
they aren't in a war zone

Granted, he doesn't like you (from what you've said) but it sounds like you don't like him either.  So be it!  There are lots of positive things to build on in this situation if you so choose.  I truly believe that people pick up on the vibes we put out - if you are anxious and not trusting them as parents, I'm sure that communicates to them.

artlady

Doe I find it hard for them to pick up on much as I've not visited that much , so hard to schedule due to the baby's schedule, their schedule , we have not disliked him and have been willing to bend over backwards to make him happy, for her but he has not accepted anything since the wedding reception, he did a 180 since then, so we have been left baffled by it all. We do appreciate all they have and how they are lucky in so many ways but it is the wall he puts around his emotions for all outsiders we have a hard time dealing with. It takes all kinds to make the world go round so we just have to accept him for who he is and only hope that he will try to just treat us with respect vs being so rude and we are the enemy. WE have learned how to just act fine and normal in front of him but it is getting harder and harder . No the visits have not been that many after wedding and since baby, and the texts /emails are what we get .  Doing better I've started back painting but i need to attack that "To Do List" with come good spring cleaning ( maybe i need to misplace that list ) . thanks

Ruth

Its interesting that all of us have this hard wired code inside of us as to what we think is the scale as far as behavior goes.  When my DD got married, I was not happy with it, but there was no way to make the situation a good one....baby on the way and I knew the match was not a good one, that she would outgrow that relationship, which she did and it was 15 yrs before the marriage ended, but that's another story.  The point is that I didn't really have any expectations from SIL.  I only wanted a hello and with that I was content.  After first g/s was born and they moved into their own place, I guess I didn't visit there maybe once a month or so, even though it was very close by, I just felt there were boundary issues and I needed to lay low, and respond when I was called upon.  SIL was always pleasant to me, I grew to love him although we never had a single meaningful conversation in the 15 yrs they were together, just the polite hellos and such.  Once your children marry, all the rules change.  It can be hard for everybody to find out how to live in the context of it all.

I remember when I was first married, age 18, scared and still just a kid.  The next day after the ceremony I phoned my Mom on our way to honeymoon, just wanted to hear her voice and tell her I was 'ok'.  I'll never forget it, she was so distant, it was like she didn't even remember who I was and why on earth was I calling!   Big shock, but I had to learn over a long period of time to just accept my DM as she is, and understand she didn't have it to give.  But all of us are different and here we are just struggling, pathetic human beings trying to figure out what people want and need and how to resolve such complex things.  I don't know why I threw all that in, but maybe somebody enjoyed it after all.

artlady

Thanks Ruth. WE loved him and got along perfect, he was so close to Dh as he has no relationship with his dad , to the point he wanted DH tpo stand up there with him duirng wedding , knowing he had to have his dad but he wanted DH. Now he avoids DH like the plague. Reception he got mad over a school mascot ,hasn't been the same since , hey we would like the nice hellos etc but he pretends we are not in the room, rude and rude comments. I dont' see us visitng much with him home as he doesn't recognise us if he can help it . This guy is a professional well educated and 35 , will be 36 next month so he is no longer a child . So i hope she is happy and I"ll always be here for her , we would be for him but he doesnt want family , his or hers. I think he didnt' have a close relationship with his so maybe he is jealous of her loving family so now neither will share us is his idea of how it will be . Who the H--- knows. I'm lookng for the guide book on Walking on Eggshells , you know where i can get one . LOL

luise.volta

Finding out what others want and need is a puzzlement for sure. And then we have the job, beyond that, to find out what we want and need. That was and sometimes still is, the rough one for me. ("I want and need you to be happy doesn't count.")
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

artlady

No Luise it doesn't mean anything anymore , I've just got to get better spring in my step to jump through all these hoops, learn to walk like I'm on cotton so not to crack any eggshells and see if they make a tongue repair paste from the ruts I'm putting in my tongue from biting it so much and maybe i need to find a crystal ball to read each day to see what the new dilemma will be for the day LOL . Wow and I thought it was hard in college , working and raising children ,  now I thought i could relax , enjoy those so called " Golden years" didn't know I'd have to load around so much stress , worry and heartache.  have a nice night. hugs