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Still concerned for DD's well being and new baby

Started by artlady, April 06, 2012, 11:54:31 AM

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artlady

DD is trying so very hard to meet the needs of this fussy, gassy baby all the while going by the book of what SIL expects ( my assumption as from past experiences) and 2 month doctor visit, ( go 2 months from hosp before check up now ). Both she and baby are very sleep deprived, baby nurses all the time , doesn't sleep long or much and she is so isolated from all ( SIL likes no one around anyhow) . Went to visit last week for a day trip with my best friend and her mother to see DD, they have known her since birth and both were so concerned about her and the baby. Best friends mother is a retired nurse and she said that baby is just not getting enough so therefore he is not able to sleep long because he is hungry. I've been thinking the same thing all along, but DD/SIL want to do it on their own and I don't' think the old ways are anyting they want to hear about , that worked, so i bite my lip. What really bothers me is they said that wasn't DD , they didn't even think she acted herself. I've been noticing it but when it is just me visiting I didn't' want to think it was just me , so didn't' say anything to them about it until they brought it up on the way home . SIL doesn't keep the Gs, only 2 times and that was a morning or mid day . She has no breaks . She was suppose to go to an engagement party this past Saturday for a cousin that is marrying her college roomate ( who was in her wedding ) that we introduced at one of her parties. She was excited and planning on coming until a week beefier SIL said he wanted to go( which he does not go to social things , so we think he was playing her) so that meant she had to find a sitter , plan on nursing him to go to bed and arrive about 2 hours after it started and she didn't' want to leave him fussing with someone . So he played to the end , she ended up not being able to go , of which it was less than 5 miles from her house , she could have gone for 30-45 minutes, but he doesn't want her to really have much outside of the house and him. WE went all were asking about her , missed her and concerned for the baby's situation of being fussy and gassy, I of course had to smile and act like a happy grandmother on the outside who's inside is like much. I feel I"m mourning the death of a child that is still living. I know she is overwhelmed with this baby , but she is not like herself at all. She has never missed a birthday in 31 years , this year i turned 60 about 2 weeks ago , she called that morning we talked just like old time , she had wanted me to come up the next day or so for lunch etc,  I just wasn't' and still not emotionally able to be around the SIL since his rudeness at the hospital and the house after the baby.  So to this date , no card , no gift and that is so not like her. I asked did SIL know it was my birthday , she said no he thought it was April 23, but did she tell me happy birthday from them all.  He has never been raised around family holidays , traditions like she has so that is how that goes. We only can communicate by text and email and from things said in the past I'm sure he reads them. She still has no free calls til after 7 and weekends and he is home , she quit calling in front of him the day of the wedding and would call everyday on her way from work ( hour drive) and going to the grocery on weekends. I'm just so sick feelling and worried for her . Like so many have said that know her , she might need help but not know how to ask but for sure something has to come to as head soon as it is ruining too many lives , a big sit down discussion but DH and I don't' know what is the right course. If she doesn't go back to work it will be because his mother who was a stay at home mom had to go to work when his dad quit jobs , changed jobs. he has said all along that he didn't' want her to work when they had kids as his mother wanted to stay home , well that was his mother , you can relive her life as he has and is doing but through my DD. Naming your son's middle name after his mother is strange don't' you think( as it is not a like a family name or last name deal) WE go back to the counselor soon and wow do i need it . now the doctors told them to force him to sleep by letting him cry it out , no supplement to help him and the is long and skinny , not really gaining much weight, i guess now they r all over the obese children thing. I"m worried to death for his growth ( she is breastfeeding ) , her well being and how this will all turn out. The SIL blames everyone else for everything wrong in his life and always has , plus he hold grudges for life. So we love them both , want to do whatever we can to be there for them but right now our hearts are broken in half with a long ways from healing , since the wedding 2 years ago we have been in this spot with him he did a 180 at the wedding and never gone back . No one saw this coming . Thanks for listening this is just one of my really really bad days.

luise.volta

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

artlady

thanks so much Luise , my heart is broken, along with my motivation or desire to do a thing. All we want is to just be able to be apart of our DD and Gs's life , we don't expect the SIL to like or love us , just respect us as her parent's and his grandparents but being that he has no good family ties I think he doesn't see the need in any from her . I think we need to back away , wait it out and try our best to get over the pain . In time maybe they will see we are important or need us but right now they don't. It kills me as DD and I have been so close for 31 years and it is like the door closing but my main concern is others seeing the drastic change in her , scares me as she is exhausted from the baby and trying to go with is everything being just so and always in control has got to be so hard on her. So if we are causing problems for her in her marriage if he doesn't want us around then i feel that is what we have to do to save her. Hard as it is I want to do the best i can for my child and gs if it means I 'm not able to spend time with them like most grandmas and mothers that is what i have to do . thanks for you love and support tonight it means so much as it has hit me today like a ton of bricks and I've cried all day.

Ruth

I am so sorry for you and for your family .  I have to bite my tongue because I have so many ideas here and can't rush in where angels fear to tread and do more damage than good.  I can say that I share the pain you're in right now, as I feel in many ways that I'm living a nightmare and I should just wake up, and find my life the way it was before, as bad as that was at least I always felt there was going to be a time when the dam broke and there would be love and peace in my family, but having to make myself come to terms with mental illness in my DS is taking a great toll on me.  I wonder if DH can see how I feel I'm fading away inside, some days are very very hard....but digressing...

Artlady you have a smart, educated DD.  This is her worst hour, even if it were a good relationship maritally.  I also had a first baby who was breastfed and very gassy and fussy, and I also had pp depression.  I did not have a good mate either, but he was not at that time abusive or controlling, but I was ashamed of not knowing how to take care of my newborn and stop the crying, and it nearly sent me over the edge.  I know now that DD (newborn) was gulping down milk too fast as my flow came out far too fast, and was depleted in no time, hence the baby was still hungry and also badly colicked.  This was causing the gas, and I didn't know it at the time.  I think you should watch her very very closely.  Force yourself to get past the dread you have of being in the presence of this sil,(trust me I know that it makes you feel something like terror and I understand the avoidance)  because her safety is at stake.  Are you a good distance away?  secure a room for yourself somewhere close by, get her a cell phone prepaid, hire someone to watch her, I don't care what it is but if you are this worried I think it is in order to risk going over the top rather than hoping for the best and lying low.   I believe it means a great deal to have a DM who is in your court as you are, and cares this much about her well being. 

artlady

Ruth I"m trying my best to do all I can for her , but I feel there is a resistance as he is one that researches everyting from weddinggifts , baby gifts to how to raise a baby so it is really very hard plus they r doing exactly what the doctor said. I don't know about all this new stuff about he needs to "cry it out" and soothe himself to sleep then sleep 5 hour stretches. My worry is if he is hungry how can he sleep and if he doesn't get enough sleep then he is fussy. He was in the above 75 for height , which she was also but he is in the 10% for weight which she was below 50 , around 30 or 40 and the pediatrician was concerned but that was 31 years ago . DD said ped said it was fine , so now he is on what they call "sleep training ". I think and others that she is so sleep deprived and stressed over trying to meet the needs of this baby that she is not even close to being herself yet. Her DH gives he no help as even to give a bottle so she can go to something  for a break . It is truly breaking my heart but I don't' want to do anything to rock their boat , make it harder for her since she has two loveint parents and he doesn't that maybe she is having to defend it all. You can go back and read other posts here and in SIL/DIL to see what hell we have been through already with the SIL before the baby. I've got to get my act together as everyone knows how happy m outgoing and funny I always am now folks are starting to ask me am i alright ,so I've got to get better.

pam1

The baby is still so very new, I think it's normal for a new mother, especially first time to be not quite themselves for a while.

My middle name is in remembrance of a male family member and I do not think it is strange, I think it is sweet.  Artlady, do you perhaps think you're reading a little too much into all this?  As a previous poster said, you raised your DD to be smart.  She's said she's following doctor advice (which is a good thing!)  And you do not know for a fact what goes on in a marriage, you've got a SIL who does not seem to care for your presence and I'm sure that is very painful.  But as far as their marriage goes, I think you can't say with certainty what goes on in their marriage, no one can.  You can guess, assume, think about it until it makes you sick and at the end, you still won't know and perhaps made your self sick for nothing. So I tend to think that your involvement at this level is pretty bad for you and maybe the goal should be for you to practice not thinking about things you can't control quite as much.  This can't be good for you.

And I know what that is like, you do this because you love your DD.  You want the best for her, I get it.  It's just not good for you and the best thing your DD can have is a Mom who takes care of herself if or when she ever needs it. 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

lancaster lady

artlady :

I know you are worried sick about your Dd and baby , but until she asks for your help ,what can you do ?
Have you offered any advice for the baby ? Does she have to run it by him first ?
She will be so tired and wants to do everything by the book . When you don't know any
alternatives , this is the only thing she can do , unless she takes advice .
If the baby isn't really gaining weight , then surely the only thing to do is get him on some formula .
I know it's frowned upon when breast feeding , but not all women have enough to satisfy
really hungry babies .
She might welcome any advice you give Artlady , she perhaps doesn't want to think of having failed .
I would hate to think that she is too frightened because of repercussions from her DH .

I know if it were my DD , I would try and offer my help , if she bit my head off well so be it ,
but I would have tried .

artlady

Thanks Pam and LL. Hey Pam I've no trouble with middle names or first names after whoever but to use a girls name for a male baby, now do you get my drift?  strange. Now yes I've tread lightly and given some advice or things I've heard others say worked , passed it to her, sometimes she has responded positively but most of the time it is with whatever the new thing is or doctor says so I feel like what I've got to say is not important. I just worry that going by the book too much, being so exact can't make for a happy baby, plus i just am so worried about him not getting enough , I breast fed also, she was a big nurser , I didn't like the pump thing so I would supplement with formula and she did fine ( if I was not at home and she was with her dad, grandma etc). WE aer still very strained as she has only called 6 times in 9 weeks it is still all emails and texts from a daughter who called me everyday all of her life from when she left home . Some on here have said to buy her free time phone since hers is set up to be free only after 7 and weekends , he is paying the bills now , fuss at her the month before baby for being 30 over and i know that was to me as it was on her way home from work e3each day. I would do it and thought about it but then if he ever found out I'm not so sure what he will say. It is clear he wants no outside interference from either his or her side. he is a loner ,not but 3 friends who he never does anything with and no work friends after 15 years there , I think now he can control her to be in his world. Plus she is now saying she might not go back to work if she plans so be pregnant again by the time GS is 1. Her plan has always been to wait to have 2 baby once the 1st one is 2 to start trying again. Wow that plan has changed so yes he wants to keep her home "barefoot and Pregnant"  I'm concerned for her as if she has Postpartum depression she will never have time to recover. She is truly tired and trying to be the best new mom but others have noticed as I have she is not herself, it is hard to explain when you don't know a person but i just hope this passes and the baby is healthy . I"m going to try to encourage phone calls as that is the only way to communicate it is hard to know a person really is without hearing their voice and I"m the old school / Thanks

Ruth

You are seeing a counselor, Artlady, and this is a big advantage as you can exchange your concerns face to face with someone who is trained and under legal obligation to address and report anything that crosses the line over into violence, in any form.  Use this and try and help the advise you get from this professional soothe your emotional involvement.  I understand as its my personality to get very very enmeshed with my a/c's struggles, but there comes a point that we are not in any position to do anything to change their decisions and circumstances.  I've read all your posts, and I know your concerns about sil, which I personally think are valid and I think he may be a very unhealthy personality, but the fact remains that your DD is not only affirming her desire to stay with him and accept his eccentricities, but she is already actively planning a second child with him.  You are going to have to strengthen yourself for the long haul, because I promise you it isn't going to get easier, I have two g/c age 14 and 18, and it has been a hard road for me also.

Pen

ArtLady, you're in a tough spot, no question. Unfortunately it's up to your DD to speak up. I know she may not be able to, but she's the only one who can create change here. Your interference may cause SIL to freak and move the little family far away, and then you'd be even less involved. It's important to look out for your DD while not stepping on SIL's toes. If you could prove spousal/child abuse perhaps you'd have a reason to jump in, but otherwise your hands are tied. Your SIL sounds like a major challenge, I wish I could wave a wand & turn him into a more accepting, kindly soul for you. As Ruth said, take care of yourself and stay strong.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

NewMama

I think that some of the above posts have some good advice. You may need to take a step back from some of these issues, especially the ones about her staying home with babies and what their plans are for having more. That's something that only the two of them can decide. And being a new mom, you make a lot of plans while you're pregnant that change pretty quick once the baby arrives. I would take any plan someone made before birth about what they're doing afterwards with a grain of salt. I've changed my plans about having more babies countless times (how many, when etc). And about how much I plan on working when I go back soon. I sort of am in the opposite situation of your DD - I'm going back to work and my MIL strongly disapproves. But she's not privy to the conversations between DH and I about what we feel is best for our family. She's free to disagree, but she doesn't get a vote. If your DD perceives that her husband wants her to do one thing, and her mother wants her to do another, that's a tough place for her to be in.

I'd be very wary about giving advice unless you're specifically asked "What should I do about ____?" Nothing gets your back up faster when you're a hormonal, sleep deprived new mom (especially with a challenging baby) then unsolicited advice. You already feel like you don't know what you're doing, and it just makes you feel worse. The best thing you can do for her is tell her she's a great mom every chance you get. Also, when my son was a newborn, saying I was following my doctor's advice was my way of getting people to stop with the advice. Even though my doctor gives terrible advice about babies, and I barely followed anything he said. It just got people off my back.

It's very clear you love your DD and GS very much, and your SIL sounds challenging to say the least. But getting very enmeshed in her struggles is going to wear you down physically, mentally and emotionally. You have to take care of yourself too, or you won't be able to help her if and when she does reach out to you.

artlady

I really need to say I' don't tell her much it any of my thoughts that I post . I 've been very supportive , listened and told her what a good mommy she is as i know she is sleep deprived and frustrated with this fussy baby. i never had a fussy baby so I don't know but I can only imagine as I do remember those ear infections , colds etc that made a fussy baby out of a good baby. I don't disapprove of her not going back to work , as they r in the position for her to stay home ( I'm not so sure about this economy and she has a really good state job, of which is not going broke ) if that is what she wants to do , not trying to relive his mom's dreams. WE don't' discuss her marriage per say, she will just drop lines about things and I don't respond other than to say " well that is a man thing , or they have those crazy hormones from time to time'. WE are walking a fine line but it is hard on us to know we have to keep bending over backwards to this man who is so selfish, rude, non-family oriented and a loner .  wow that is a tall tall job for two very outgoing , loving , sensitive and giving adults. WE never met a stranger, love and enjoy everyone ( but him  lol ). He makes everything so unpleasant and now the two biggest events in our daughter's life so far he has screwed them up for everyone . But we got a big surprise yesterday we went to visit one GS for the day and got to bring him home as the sitter will be off on Easter Monday so we have him from Sat to Monday afternoon , he is a 6 month smiling, happy little boy. WE could eat him with a spoon and the pups love him . Thanks to all and don't forget to hide the eggs. Many blessings to all on this Easter morning.

Doe

I agree with the posters who suggest that you back away from your daughter's life and concentrate on your own for a while.  Consider that if you are crying all day and worrying this much about 2 other adults, maybe what you are doing isn't working and it's time for a change.  If you were happier yourself, maybe you could approach this relationship from another direction. 














constantmargaret

Art, Have you considered the possibility that nothing is really wrong here, and that this detaching is simply a natural part of the growing up process? Perhaps DD needed to create some space in order to realize her own individuality, apart from you. While you consider calling daily normal and only 6 times in 9 weeks barely at all, I call daily excessive and every week or two normal. That you're keeping track seems excessive.

As a young wife and nursing mother, I sure wasn't focused on my mother. I was barely keeping my nostrils above water. In the back of my mind somewhere I knew she was there for me if I needed, but I doubt I was very present for her in our relationship in those childbearing years. I know she understood, she had 5 kids too.

It sounds like this transition is much harder on you than on your DD. She will be fine. She knows you're there and if she needs you she knows how to pick up a phone. Have some faith in the girl you raised.

I agree that you might find it helpful to shift your focus from DD to yourself, or better yet, turn some of that on your husband. I bet he'd be delighted. My husband admitted he'd like some of that attention I was expending "pining" over my 17 y/o brat who won't talk to me.


justus

AT, my vote is with those who say you need to back off and stop obsessing, cause you ARE obsessing and I think it is displacement activity. You so much want to be in the middle of what is going on in your DD's life right now, but you can't, so you blame it on SIL and you obsess over every little thing. This is the reality of how things are. It isn't what you expected or had hoped for, but you can't change it, only accept it for what it is. You have to be very careful here or you could push your DD away very easily.

You say you don't say anything or ask for information, but your DD knows you very well and I doubt you have to say much before she knows exactly what you are thinking. My GM could get paragraphs across with just a look. Oh, and my xMIL could say the most awful things in the nicest way with a smile on her face. I don't even think she knew what she was doing half the time. Become aware of how what you don't say, your silences and your body language might be getting across loud and clear to your DD. You DON't approve of anything she is doing right now. You say this isn't the case when called on it, but you can't erase your previous posts. Your disapproval comes across loud and clear. Don't think it isn't coming across to your DD and SIL loud and clear, too.

Give her a break where the baby is concerned. If her Dr. isn't concerned, you shouldn't be either. The last thing she needs is 10 billion different opinions on how she should deal with her child. If she needs your help, she will ask for it. Don't bring along reinforcements, your DD doesn't need or deserve that.

My first was a fussy baby who had the GE reflex (she threw up constantly) and had colic. I breast fed and she wanted to eat every hour and a half to two hours. It was awful and thank God I lived 2,000 miles away from my mother.  My situation was bad, even worse than your DDs and we got through it just fine. SIL sounds very much like my xH. No help and no understanding. At least your SIL is interested in his child. My M would defend herself exactly as you have, but her disapproval was loud and clear. She also moaned about how I wan't interesting in the "old ways" and didn't listen to her. All of it just made me more determined to do things my way and to call her as infrequently as I could get away with.

I am sorry to be so harsh, but if you want this situation to get better, you will have to look hard at yourself, because you are the only person you can change. Your DD obviously loves you, but needs her space right. It isn't a personal rejection, just her adjusting to some changed that are happening in her life. Give her some space to do that and stop obsessing about it. Find some positive way of expending all of the energy you are putting into figuring out something that isn't yours to figure out, and that is your DD's life and marriage.