March 28, 2024, 01:38:27 PM

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


Is it Me ?

Started by lancaster lady, March 25, 2012, 03:26:19 AM

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

lancaster lady

How about a government health warning stamped on my forehead ;D

artlady

Yes and on the outside of the box besides fragile ( with the holes poked in) it might should say, don't drop or crush box and stand it right side up , don't wait till Christmas to open. Hope you day is better LL. Sending hugs your way and Best of Easter to you.

lancaster lady

thanks Artlady , you too , hope we all get some cuddles for Easter .... :)

pam1

Quote from: lancaster lady on April 04, 2012, 08:53:45 AM
hi herbal ,

thanks for your input ..
As I was attending a hospital near where my Ds lives , he Invited me to call in .
We didn't know how long my appointment would take , and also as he would be at work . It could have worked out that he
would be there before us or vice versa .
I don't understand the problem of him not being there actually , why couldn't my DIL greet us without him .
She lived with me for 6 months , and he wasn't there 24 hours a day , so I don't see a problem of me dropping
in whilst he was away .
Also if he didn't want any contact why would he invite me in the first place ?
Not to mention asking for me to take him and his family in when homeless .

This isn't a case of me insisting on a visit , or pushing myself on them .
It's probably a case of my Ds not telling his DW in time .
Also I didn't mention the fact to her or him , that I was a bit miffed at no one being home .
I can assure you there was no 'heat ' involved .

I don't get these families where his parents are his responsibility, and hers are her responsibility .
Surely we are all now family ?
Marriage is the joining of two families, or is that just another fairytale ?
I suppose I am now the older generation with old fashioned family values .

LL, so was this example part of one of the times DIL wasn't home?  Because I have to say if you didn't know the exact time you would be over, DS didn't know the exact time...how would DS expect DIL to just sit at home waiting?  It doesn't seem quite right to me, I would be upset if my own parents did this and we have a pretty decent relationship.  I like to know when someone is going to be over and I would dislike this type of arrangement.  I'm a planner by nature and many people are, not right or wrong, just different.

I, as well, don't think your DS or DIL is trying to say anything to you about their like or dislike of you.  I think this just adds more information that it was clearly a communication issue in their marriage, one in which your DS in not being very respectful to the people he does invite and his DW. 

Proof in the pudding that they will spend time with you and it is pleasant (the bbq on Sunday.)  I think it's entirely about the planning or lack thereof that is the problem in the other situations.  You were successful and had a pleasant time when it was planned out, an invitation sent, received and agreed to by all parties.  That's probably the trick here.  DIL sounds like a planner, not right or wrong, just different.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

lancaster lady

hi Pam ,

A one off , yes ok .
However this was three times in a row , and also for my own GD's birthday , which was also arranged
obviously , and the house was empty , anyone would feel uncomfortable .
I never show up unannounced or uninvited .
The time window was after 4.30pm and my Ds arrives home at 5pm .
It's not that I was dropping in on the spare of the moment .
As I mentioned before , I don't want to be the scape goat for my DIL , so she can make a statement to her DH.
If she has issues with him , don't make me the subject .

It all might be a coincidence , and I am not making a big deal over it honestly .
I suppose I feel vulnerable , knowing the treatment I have received in the past .
I would never go uninvited ever , but we all like to feel welcome and wanted when we
do go .
It's just sad that for every visit we need an appointment , is that how all families work
these days ?
That is the point really , if you are loved , surely any visit any time is a welcome one ??

herbalescapes

In a word, No.  Just because you are loved doesn't mean a visit is welcome anytime.  Some people like or don't mind drop in visits.  Others hate them.  Neither is right or wrong, but it's the person or people who live in the house/apt/condo/RV/tent/etc.  who get to decide whether drop in visits are welcome or not.  I think the problem is you don't mind drop in visits, so you interpret others' opposition to them as a reflection of their feelings toward you.  It can get complicated when someone doesn't mind drop ins from some people but does mind drop ins from others.  But even in that case, it's not necessarily a reflection of the person's feelings toward the dropper in.  You grow up with your own parents and see each other at all times of day - when you are at your best and when you are not - so it's not unusual that a drop in from one's own parents wouldn't be as upsetting as a drop in from your ILs.  Your parents used to change your diapers, so if they see the sink full of dishes or catch you in your PJs at 4 PM or without makeup and hair unbrushed, well, it wouldn't be the first time.  I have a few friends who I wouldn't mind dropping in unannounced, but anyone else - other friends, blood relations, ILs, neighbors - are not welcome to drop in.  That's my personality/temperment/biorhythm and it's my house, so my rules. 

You've discovered a visit needs to be coordinated ahead of time and even then you might have to track DS down.  Try to focus on the success of the visit and ignore (i know it's hard) the work to make it happen.  Maybe GD will inherit your likes-drop-ins gene and down the line you can drop in on her anytime.    Good luck.

Pen

I get the anti-drop in stance, I like a little warning too. However, if a loved one suddenly showed up I'd deal with it...people are more important than housework to me. My momentary embarrassment isn't worth their rejection, IMO. Just my view, I know others are different.

LL was talking about an arranged visit, instigated by her DS. In all innocence she accepted the invitation, showed up at the arranged time, and was snubbed. It happened to me too, and I felt unloved, rejected, confused and very sad. I have never done such a thing to my DS & DIL; if I invite them to visit I am home & prepared to welcome them when they arrive.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

lancaster lady


herbalescapes

My "No" was in reply to LL's comment that it was sad that they needed an appointment for every visit and shouldn't any visit from a loved one be welcome.  It can be hard to understand just how aggravating/tiring/horrific drop-in visits are for some people.  Think of it as a phobia.  Some people are afraid of cats. Even though they know a cat can't hurt them, they experience all the physical symptoms of fear -heart racing, adrenaline pumping, fight-or-flight instinct - when confronted by a cat.  It's not all in their heads.  If someone doesn't welcome unannounced visits, you shouldn't feel it is a reflection on their feelings for you.

I don't think anyone questions LL feeling hurt when DS invited them over for the bday and she showed up to an empty house.  DS should have made sure they were home or called if they were unavoidably detained.  People question why, since DS issued the invitation, DIL was being held accountable for the empty house.  Did DIL know about the invitation?  Did she know what time to expect her ILs?  Were the plans to see her FOO earlier in the day made before DS made his invitation?  If so, how much time did DS allow for that visit before setting the time for his own parents?  Was it around the normal amount of time they spend with her FOO? Did DS try to get them to leave DIL's FOO in time to be home for his own parents visit?  Why didn't he call when it was obvious they wouldnt' be home by the set time? 

For the two other visits cited, they were essentially drop in visits on the DIL.  Was she even home when DS said she was?  Did he call and tell her to expect her MIL?  Did DIL already have plans to be out?  I think the natural thing to assume in those two visits was DS was mistaken and DIL wasn't home although he said she was.  One of the priviledges of adulthood is you get to set your own social calendar.  Not even your spouse gets to decide when you have to play hostess.  Even if DIL was home and DS called to let her know MIL was on the way, I couldn't fault her if she didn't feel like a visit and decided to go out.  Whether it's because she doesn't like her MIL or just didn't want a visit at those two particular times, it's her priviledge as an adult.  How many times has DS volunteered DIL to play hostess without her consent - and not just with MIL?  If this is a bad habit of his, the only way to cure him is to not be there to cover up for his faulty invitations.  Or maybe this isn't a habit, but she wants to nip it in the bud.  If you are someone who hates drop in visits or doesn't care to entertain your ILs without your spouse around, it's better to not facilitate such interactions from the getgo.  If you go along with it, chances are you'll start seething as the bahaviour continues and then get a big blow up.   Would it be better to show up and have DIL answer the door and tell you to wait in the car until DS came home?  Why did DS issue the second "oh come on by, I'll be home from work soon and wifey is home now" invitation after the first one failed?  And why was LL surprised when she found an empty house the second time when she'd already been down that road?  There's a pattern of DS claiming DIL will play hostess but then she's not there.  Instead of blaming DIL, just accept when DS gives a last-minute invite and he's not home, chances are you'll find an empty house. 

I'm all behind LL being upset with her DS, not because he's her DS and it should be his-family-his-responsibility, but because he's the one who issued the invitations.

lancaster lady

I certainly will not be making that mistake again , I will check with all parties before I visit ,
and yes my DIL did know in advance about all visits ......................the only reason I returned  was because
I was invited , and mainly to see my GD .
If my DIL did not want me to visit and was otherwise busy , a text could have solved that problem , I would
have by passed their house . To be just not there in my mind was inexcusable and very bad manners ......
sorry but thats how I feel .
I don't think her own FOO have to make appointments to visit as they live 5 minutes away , but then
my DIL is always there anyway .
I think we have done this subject to death anyway , thanks for all your comments .