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Is it Me ?

Started by lancaster lady, March 25, 2012, 03:26:19 AM

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lancaster lady

thankyou Foofoo,

I am certainly seeing another perspective on all this , however it is my DS that invites me .
I can't exactly check with my DIL if it's ok to come , but I see what you're saying and knowing
my DS , he probably tells his DW last minute .
There has been a lot of animosity in the past with my DIL and to understand it all you would have to
go back to my original post and read for like forever !
I like to feel that is in the past and we can move on , but now and again there are glitches like any
relationship .
I did however today email my DIL and ask for a day to visit ....as we missed my GD sooo much .
Hopefully it won't be too long to wait , but I hope to get it right one of these days .

It's hard for a MIL to know what is right and what works , and what not to do .
We do try ...and we are very trying ! 
We know that and try not to be ....lol

Pooh

LL, sending you huge cyber hugs!

I understand.  My DIL would never initiate a visit, invite or plan anything with us.  Which is why I haven't seen them but once in 3 years.  If my DS invited us over and said he would be there soon, then I would go.  I would assume he had discussed this with my DIL beforehand.  That's his problem, not mine.  And no, sorry, but I wouldn't call my DIL and make sure it was ok with her, that's between them.  And if she purposefully left (which she would), then again, then DS's problem, not mine.  I'm not being mean and I wouldn't plan DIL's time, and haven't, but I also don't think it's an MIL's place to check everything with the DIL if an invite or plans are made with DS.  A DIL shouldn't misplace her frustration at the MIL because her DH did it, just as MIL shouldn't misplace her frustration with the DIL because her DS did it.  Both need to take it up with DS.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

pam1

Exactly, Pooh.  It's the DS.

LL, any replies to your email? 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

lancaster lady

WooHoo....

My DIL said that would be fine , and they would come to me , just getting a date organised .
So ladies , next time I will go to the organ grinder , not the monkey ..........lol

On the other hand it would be nice to be asked without my prompting , I feel if I don't , months will go by
and I won't see my GD , so I feel I have no alternative .
They can always say they are busy or refuse if I am getting too much , I guess .
Not thinking of the negatives here though , just pleased a meeting will be arranged .

When I was a young girl , we didn't have to pre arrange any meetings with GP, they were always
glad to see us and vice versa . How times have changed .

artlady

so glad to hear some postive news . It helps us all and I hope that I might follow suit with my gs and I totally agree about how it use to be with grandparents and the new times are certainly hard to understand. I think i'll wait for invites from dd as she knows how things are at home better than i do with sil. The baby is 8 weeks so we will see. enjoy it .

NewMama

Glad to hear your getting a visit with your GD! It does seem nowadays everyone is so hyper-scheduled weeks in advance. Sounds exhausting to me :) Although it would be nice if they initiated a visit, I think it's better if you make the requests yourself. You may be a waiting a long time to see your GD if  you wait for them to come around, and it's more important that you get to spend time with her than how a visit came about.

Ruth

Oh, LL, we have beaten that dead horse to death!  another cliche?  "If mohamet won't go to the mountain"....you know the rest.  Grandmas are a new deal these days.  But enjoy your little one and expect better things ahead. 

Pen

I love the organ grinder/monkey reference :)
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

pam1

LL, that's the best news I've heard all day!

Maybe not this visit but the next one you can casually throw in there that you're available usually on Sundays (or whatever day works for you) so if DIL ever wants to invite you out.  I think emailing her worked out so well that this might work too. 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

herbalescapes

I'm going to jump on the bandwagon with the folks saying your DS shouldn't invite you over unless he will be home. You may be caught in the middle of a husband-wife battle that has nothing to do with how your DIL (or DS, for that matter) feels about you.  Next time he invites you, verify that he will be home and if he says he'll be there shortly, tell him to call you when he gets home.

I understand wanting them to do some of the initiating, but there could be a whole host of reasons why they aren't picking up the phone.  If seeing your GD is something you want, then you need to be willing to do the work to make it happen.  My ILs once complained about not seeing us for their birthdays.  Well, we had never received an invitation to spend MIL's bday with her.  We had for FILs and went twice and the third time a family emergency had us going out of town at the last minute.  I told my MIL that if she could convince her own mother to still throw her a birthday party go do for it, but expecting her DIL to do the work was just not going to happen. 

Sounds like there have been some improvements, so I hope it continues.  Good luck.

lancaster lady

Hello herbal ,

thankyou for your input .....

Thing is , if my DS invites me over , what excuse would I give for not wanting to be in the house
with his DW if he's not there ?
Would that not be very insulting ?Also the visit was on my way home from a hospital appointment, just to call
in to say hello .
The other subject you mentioned of me initiating visits is fine with me , but I feel they might think I
am commandeering all their free time , and demanding that they visit or I visit them .
It's not an easy route we MIL's have to take , I always try to get it right and don't always succeed .
I would love to see my GD every day and never tire of her , now I know that's a ridiculous request , so I try
not to ask to see her too often .

My point was , I would like them to WANT to come and see me , not agreeing just to keep me quiet !  lol

Pen

LL, I'm going through the same pretzel-bending w/my DIL & DS. I never know how things will be taken or spun, only that I usually end up being the one in the wrong. For example, if I text both so they are on the same page and DIL won't feel left out, she doesn't respond and wonders why I'm bugging her, but if I don't text her I'm excluding her and favoring DS.

It's impossible to get any kind of a response from DIL regarding plans, so I go through DS. When he "forgets" to tell her, I'm put in a very awkward position. I too would like them to want to see us the way they seem to want to see DIL's FOO. It's humiliating to feel as if I'm groveling for any crumb of attention or being seen as a duty call, especially if it's my birthday or other special time.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

lancaster lady

We are wrong which ever way we jump Pen , we need instruction manuals to keep us right . It's so precarious being a  Mom/MIL  not to mention dangerous ! Lol

artlady

So sad these situations are all so much alike , how much times have changed and these AC that are now adults seem to have done the opposite from what we thought we raised them to be like . All I can say is HALLIJUAH for this site so we can all share, complain, support and laugh together. I do hope for all of us that once they get a little age on them and we still are around ( no teeth, bottle lens glasses, hearing aids, canes, clothes on backwards , inside out) they will see how important parents and grandparents really are in their lives and their children's' . TGIF for us all and have a great weekend. Love to you all

Pooh

I'm glad you are getting the meeting together LL.  So happy for you.

I will say it gets old always hearing that MIL/GM needs to do this...needs to do that.  Jump through hoops, after all you want to see them.....  At what point does your DIL need to make an effort?  And it does feel like any way we turn is wrong with it.  Ask and you're being intrusive...don't ask and you are not involved in your GC's lives.  Then we hear DIL shouldn't have to make an effort....we're not her family...let DS do it.  Make DS make the effort (and yes I do think DS's get off the hook with a bunch and should make more of an effort).  Oh, but go through DS and we should have included and asked DIL because after all, they should both agree.  It's exhausting.  So in an effort to not be exhausted, our choices are to back off and let them come to us...which was the issue to begin with...never coming to us.  So for our sanity, we have to love from a distance, which constitutes not getting to know the GC, which puts us back in the "doesn't get involved" category.  Shewww. 

That wasn't aimed at our DILS here as you guys have it the opposite way and have tried.  I'm talking about mine, LL's, Pens, and other MIL/GM's here. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell