Alienation hurts

[Lynn]

2 of my 3 grown sons hate me, one so much he is enraged if I attempt to make contact. I saw him the other day and text him to meet for coffee and received at least 7 messages, one worse than the other, blaming me for everything in his life that is going wrong. I did at one time intervene  to protect his wife and 1 year old son from his potentially violent actions and since then he hates with a passion. It is a very complicated story and starts when I married their father. I continue to have a relationship with this ex-daughter-in-law and my beautiful grandson. I now have two other grandsons, one from this boy who has exclaimed that I will never see him or this new baby he has had with another woman, and another which has been adopted by my eldest son who will not reply to any attempts I make at contact. I know I am not a bad person. I know I married badly to a manipulating hateful person who I eventually separated and divorced years ago but my son's behaviour towards his ex-wife and son and to me mirrors exactly the behaviour of his father. I hope, always, for reconciliation with my two boys but for most of the time keep this pain in another place. Right now it hurts. It will always be there. The great part is that my youngest is still part of my life, living his own, and although 6,000 miles apart, married and finishing his studies, we are as close as we can be with all things considered. He is a brave boy, deflecting the onslaught from father and brothers to join them in their united front against me. He will not. He is truly beautiful. thanks for the opportunity to say a few words...there is so much in me but this will do for now. All the best, Lynn

[luise.volta]

Welcome - We can't unravel the mysteries that others carry...we can only appreciate the best and protect ourselves from the worst. I rejoice with you that you have a son who knows who you are and contributes to your life. My youngest (who is no longer young) is like that. All of his life he resisted the attempts of his elder brother to poison him against me. What a miracle we have both experienced. Sending love...

[pam1]

Welcome Lynn

Please read the topics in the category Open Me First.  It'll give you a good feel for WWU and how we came about.  Nothing wrong with your post we just ask all new members to do so.

Good for you for standing up for your dil and grandchildren, it takes a really strong person to do that.  I'm glad you were/are there for them.

[Pen]

Lynn, I'm glad you found us but sorry for the reason you need us, if that makes sense. You seem to be a very fair and loving ex-MIL, DM & GM. I agree w/Pam, you did the right thing, as difficult as it may have been. Your YDS knows a gem when he sees it!

[Ruth]

You're a courageous woman, Lynn, in spite of all the bad stuff that's happened to you, I can read that you are not a whiner, and you have the capacity for gratitude.  People like this rise to the surface, like bubbles and hot air balloons.  Live one day at a time and live a simple life, close your mind to the past as much as you are able to, the past is history and no amount of attention you give to it can change one second of it.  You may as well enjoy today and leave the rest to the Almighty.  stay with us and remember that we care.

[firelight]

Welcome Lynn,

After reading your post, this thought that was once told to me immediately came to mind:

"I have found that you can send your children to the best schools, feed them well, take them to church, love them with all your heart.....and they still act like their father!!!"

Uuuggghhhh.....

You've been blessed with your youngest DS. 

My first husband was abusive and he never did "outgrow" it.  It ruined his life....and all these years later (I foolishly married him at 19 and am 47 now....we divorced after approx 3 yrs), he recently went to jail for yet another domestic violence charge.  He hasn't changed a whole lot......I hope your other son does, but in reality, it may always be with him that way.

Hoping things will improve one day for the rest of your family.

[Kate]

Thinking of you Lynn.  You are a strong and beautiful person.  Hugs.

[jeannehiga]

Aloha Lynn,
I understand your comment about "rage".  My youngest is like that and I am actually afraid of him.  I have to face the fact that this is no longer my "child" at all but an angry and "mean" adult male with a serious problem.  It is heart breaking but we have to hold on to what we have left.  It is hard to think that our efforts poured into our kids sometimes does not yield good results but we can't rewrite the script.  It is there and that's that.  I like what someone said about protecting ourselves from the worst and appreciating the best.  You will find balance and comfort here if you stay with it.  Finding this site was a miracle for me and although I am still waking up with a heavy heart, I continue to try and find something good everyday.  A good book, a friend, walk on the beach, chocolate, the sun, just normal activity.  Warm aloha to you.  Sad on Maui but trying.

[Pen]

Good choices, JeanneHiga! You might consider changing your tag to "Sad on Maui but finding ways to progress towards happiness." Or something "Trying" sounds iffy, but you sound as if you're getting a handle on it.

I agree with you, this site has been a miracle.