Won't this awful jealousy go away??

[Rose799]

I feel for you, Rose. So sorry you're having a rough time. What could be a time of joyous anticipation becomes something different in these circumstances. You are a good mom & GM through it all. As brave as I sound now with my newfound backbone, I know it'll be a whole other thing when/if GC come along.

You'll be amazed how strong a back bone can be when put to enough tests.  I'll be all right once this new gc arrives safe & sound.   

[pam1]

I will not sit in my own home and be laughed at, critcized or ignored - especially on a day that was supposed to be a celebration. I will no longer sit passively while DS/DIL say mean things about me or my friends and relatives. If, and that's a big if, we make plans to visit in the future, I will set my boundaries beforehand. A cut off will only hurt my DH, DD & I, but it may come to that.

Good for you, Pen!  You have to do what's best for you, you have been amazingly strong throughout all this.  I'm glad to see you sticking up for yourself.

And btw, did someone say it was your birthday???  Happy Birthday! 

[lancaster lady]

Dear Pen :

Here is a thought for you to ponder ,
You know how I was ignored in favour of my DIL FOO when my GD was born , and how at every occasion when
my DIL was living here she went off to visit her DM.
Of how much she loved her DM and couldn't wait to live near her etc. etc. etc.
It now transpires that her Dear Mom doesn't want to look after my GD ,and hardly ever does anything with her .
Never shows her any affection or interest at all . My DS last time he visited let it slip that they never have any alone
time . I asked if his MIL or SIL's ever babysat , his answer was a big no , and that his DW was always arguing the fact
that they show no interest in my GD at all . They live within walking distance .
I find this very hard to take in when my DIL's FOO was so special , and she talked them up at every moment she could .

So after all my agonising months of thinking I was desperately missing out on my GD , her other GM was getting all
the attention whilst not really wanting it . How strange not to want to spend time with your GD .
Now I'm thinking that's why my DIL sang their praises so much to cover their disinterest .

I know this is not the case with your DS Pen , but it just shows how we don't know what goes on in other
families , and a lot of the time we are guessing what is actually happening .
I hope their behaviour is just a smokescreen for what lies beneath , and your DS comes to his senses .
However bad behaviour should not be tolerated under any circumstances and hopefully things will change for the
better .
I hope you are feeling stronger and are able to treat yourself for your birthday ....it's a pity cupcakes do not
travel well ....I make a mean blueberry cheescake cupcake ....

[Ruth]

that was an excellent post, Lancaster Lady.  Myself, these days I often feel I shouldn't even be let out of the house.  There just so many times I misinterpret the actions of my loved ones, and jump to conclusions.  sometimes I just wonder will I ever learn to slow down, and form a conclusion much later in the game.  Most of the time, I'm  positive that we're either mistaken, or we're over into the extreme.  And especially when you have a sore spot, at that time every thing in your eyes seems relevant to that painful spot, its almost impossible to be objective.  It can help a lot to bounce things off of a witness, if there was one, who's not so sick of the topic that he glazes over and lapses into a coma every time you touch on it (i.e. my DH).  Pen, it might be a beneficial exercise if you could replay that evening in your mind, from the pretend standpoint of yourself as the cock of the walk, DS on your doorstep every day, and you wishing he and DIL would just find someone else to spend a little of their time and attention with.  I wonder if their clueless comments would sound more benign, and you may think of them as annoying, but not really biting.  I use this kind of exercise a lot to help me reexamine my perspective.  It doesn't always help, but sometimes it does.

[Pen]

How true, LL & Ruth. I hear one version of DIL's FOO from DIL & another from DS.

Thanks for the different perspectives, they are definitely worth exploring. If we hadn't already been shunned I probably wouldn't be so wary or sensitive.

[Pen]

As I examine this weird day further, I'm still confused.

The whole thing started with a phone call from DS saying he wanted to come over (I assumed to make up for my missed "big" bday, since it was during the missed-bday apology call from DS) & they'd be available in a week or two. I then checked my calendar & texted an invitation for a specific date to both DS & DIL. DS, but not DIL, responded that they would be here. That's what confused me...since he started the whole thing, why the rude, unthinking behavior? Maybe DIL wasn't keen on coming over but didn't want DS to come alone so they fought on the drive over? But that doesn't explain not acknowledging my milestone bday other than to ask sarcastically, "So how does it feel to be 60?." DIL then chimed in that she doesn't want to get old (she has previously stated she hates old people.) DS followed with, "DIL is going to shoot herself when she turns 40." I said, "Well, that's a drastic solution to something that happens to all of us. You'll miss out on a lot of great things."   

DS has always done something for our bdays, this was the first one not acknowledged. We do plenty for them on their special days, equal $ spent on each AC.

It's not about a gift, a card or even verbal happy bday wishes, it's about what the behavior might represent for the long haul. What in the world does it mean? How am I to react to it? Does it mean they want no further celebrations on their own bdays? If I let it go am I essentially giving my consent to be treated that way? If I bring it up am I making a bigger deal out of it than is warranted? Further complicating matters is that DIL made a point of mentioning that her DM's  big number bday was the next day (after our get-together.) Even that comment didn't clue DS in.

Laying low until I can get a grasp on it all.....

[pam1]

Pen, I'm just as confused as you are.  Their behavior makes no sense.  The only thing I can think of is that they are having some kind of personal problems and it's hard for people with personal problems to keep up with the people around them.  It's probably not about you at all -- even though their behavior was rude to you.

I'm kind of in a similar situation where I really don't know what to do about some of the birthdays in DHs FOO.  Since I don't celebrate the way his FOO typically does (the all day long extravanganza's I've posted about before) I think they assume I just don't celebrate and then don't even give a basic acknowledgment to me.  It does leave me feeling strange because I don't think it's that hard of a situation for them to understand our differences but they go to extremes and assume strange things (that I hate my birthday just because I don't celebrate it exactly as they do.)  I wonder if I should even acknowledge any of theirs anymore, even though I do know what they like.  But I feel dishonest about it because it's only me doing for them, yet they won't acknowledge my likes and needs. 

I feel like you do, just weird about it all and really, there's not much good cause.  Why isn't it simple for some people to listen to others, be kind and reasonable?  lol

[Scoop]

Pen, can you talk to your DS about it?  Ask him what's going on.  Tell him that it's not like him to blow off your birthday, especially not a big one.  Tell him that it hurt your feelings.

(Do you think that maybe he told DIL it was no big deal, because he didn't want to fete his MIL's similar b-day?)

Tell him that you don't know what this means, does this mean that he doesn't want his and DIL's birthdays celebrated?  Ask him and see what he says.

I'm putting my money 50/50 on Their OWN Personal Problems and Aw Geez, Mom Won't Mind.

I'm also willing to put a tenner down on the fact that he hasn't spent 1/100th the time thinking about all of this as you have. 

[luise.volta]

My take: It may not mean anything. We look for sense in the senseless. It may not matter what you accept or don't accept. By continuing to process it and examine it more closely it may just become bigger more confounding because there is no logic. The incident was unbearably painful and you may just be giving it the power to continue to hurt you indefinitely. They are going to be how they are and do what they do. Expect that, beloved friend.

[Ruth]

I've heard both of my a/c at different times make similar disparaging remarks about getting old.  I've been frankly shocked lately reading some other forums how common this is, and how extreme.  Oh how they will change their tune with time has dulled their edges, their power has turned to impotence,  and their own a&! is in a sling.  I am probably very conditioned to outrageous behavior on the part of family members, as its been my life experience almost across the board, but I just ignore it and move on, however your response was I thought perfect, Pen.  When I am doing what you're doing right now (bearing down with all your mental resources trying to make sense of a situation that you don't have enough information to resolve ) my DH intercepts, gets very irritated, and tells me that its something I'm not going to figure out because its all about 'them', and not about 'me.'  Sometimes I take that well, and other times I still want him to listen patiently and compassionately to me, but by now I know he's worn out with the topic and has nothing else to give.

Your DS did make a hilarious remark and I couldn't hardly stifle a laugh!  I just don't basically get much of anything from my a/c, Pen, and so I don't expect much for my 60'th, as I said its just been the pattern of my life and I've come to terms with it.  I look at it realistically most of the time now.  When your hopes die out, so does the suffering.   I don't have much strength left to fight it... too many years of futility.  I'm happy for others families who have better experiences and am able -thanks be to God -to no longer suffer in envy about it, its just the hand I got dealt.  I believe its probably harder for someone like you who once had a very fulfilling relationship with DS.  But you have to accept now, that he's joined at the hip with someone else, someone silly, and he chooses to follow her lead.  It is very exhausting emotionally for the person who's functioning on the higher level.  You're  not going to win this one, Pen, with your loving integrity and goodness, not in the short run.   But there just can't be any option I can find other than detachment and acceptance.

just as a p.s., I just read Luise's post and her first five words condensed all my rambling.  Get up, get dressed, and forget it, Pen,  you can suck it up in the Dyson and toss in out in the compost pile.

[luise.volta]

AGE: You guys must know how I smile when the fear of aging comes up...

[forever spring]

Pen, I'm just as confused as you are.  Their behavior makes no sense.  The only thing I can think of is that they are having some kind of personal problems and it's hard for people with personal problems to keep up with the people around them.  It's probably not about you at all -- even though their behavior was rude to you.

This is just what happened in my case. DS and exDIL had grave personal problems and their behaviour towards us was not about us at all. We know that now.
Still difficult to take when it happens to you. Happy 60th, Pen. lLfe begins at 60 or is that 85, Luise?

[luise.volta]

Life began for me at 60! I retired and hit the road, alone, in my ancient motorhome on $495 a month and no savings and it has been a marvelous adventure! 

[lancaster lady]

We plan to do just that , a couple more years should do it , we have to wait for the market to recover
to sell up .....then watch my dust !  lol

[luise.volta]

Good for you! I had nothing to sell, so that made it simpler. LOL! (Oops! I think we just hijacked Pen's thread.)