My husband and I are fighting

[isitme?]

Everybody makes some good points about being the bigger person and not punishing DH or the kids or grandparents for what's going on and teaching the kids an important lesson?

But what about the lesson the kids are going to learn that it's okay to treat their mother like this?  This is something I am dealing with right now.  My in laws are nasty to me, so now that I've withdrawn, they mostly ignore me.  I don't want to interfere with my husband's relationship with them, but I find it hurtful that he goes over there and spends time with this other family that I am deliberately excluded from.  And we act like this is normal because we don't want to start a big fight.  But what it teaches my kids is that it is okay for people to treat me this way - to ignore me and pretend I don't exist.   If their father goes along with that, it just reinforces the idea that their mom is someone who does not deserve respect.  We are not respected as a team.  That can be very hurtful and even if you keep quiet about it, you end up building up a lot of resentment.

I don't know if there things apply to you exactly but I understand your frustration.  It sounds like your kids see things for what they are though and hopefully that should be some relief!

[Liz]

Is it me...  That is exactly my feeling.  DH and I have been married almost 20 years... And this is the first time we've had marital problems.  We sought counseling and we learned a lot about managing conflict and communication.  My DH has become very aware of how dysfunctional his parents are... And how inept they are in personal relationships... which has trickled into his sibling relationships.  The counselor agreed vehemently that we don't continue the "pretend" game.  Our children are smart... they get it.  They don't have all the details but they have witnessed the pettiness of their grandparents. So if my kids go... I promise it will be for the cousins.  They will not be involved with the grandparents... only out of obligation...under the guise of politeness.  At the end of the trip... My family will return to me and my DH will have "checked it off the list".  My husband and I vowed we would not continue their legacy... but will create a new legacy.  I am not sure what we decide but I know a simple family gathering shouldn't require so much thought.

[lancaster lady]

Hi Liz ....

My take is that you are really hurt with your DH , the fact that he could actually go and leave
you behind .
I think you should let him go alone .
If he really insists on the kids going , you make sure you are there too .
A no show from you will mean chinks in your relationship , and might put a smile on your MIL's face .
Show a united front and all go ....just my opinion ...of course ..

[Doe]

  Our children are smart... they get it.  They don't have all the details but they have witnessed the pettiness of their grandparents. So if my kids go... I promise it will be for the cousins.

Hi Liz-

I think what you are looking for is somewhere in what you said here.  Your kids are smart, they know and love you.  They could do this trip for your husband who would like for them to at least meet the cousins. ( I think you said they hadn't met, right?).  There is something to be said for knowing that you have extended family, even if you aren't close.  I never really knew my cousins since my mom and her SIL didn't like each other, but we met a few times and now, decades later, I'm getting to know them on FB.

I also don't think you need to go on the trip unless you want to.  Trust your husband to handle it.   My dad didn't respect my husband for the first 29 years or so of our marriage so most of my family visits were just me and my kids with my family.   My DH thankfully had a sense of humor about the situation and didn't give a dang if my dad liked him or not.

[amflautist]

My take: I am looking at your statement that your ILs offended you greatly. It sounds like the trouble started there. People are the way they are and when we are offended it is often because we are the way we are. In a situation where we're literally stuck with people we didn't necessarily choose, and visa versa, wanting them to be and act differently isn't often a workable plan. Your ILs wanted to move past it because they are still how they are. Your husband sees your point but wants to honor them and he wants your children to honor them. By his doing so, are you feeling dishonored? It sound like your reaction to whatever they did is at the core of the entire thing. We don't need to know what that was. Agreeing with you or not isn't a solution.

In the name of honoring your husband, who continues to honor them...why not let go of being right and be the bigger person? I would suggest you back way up no matter how hard that is and let them know that you overreacted and you're past it. Pull the family back together before you become a role model to your children in a way that won't serve them. Being right is a lonely place. Sending love...

One of the finest pieces of advice I have ever read.

[isitme?]

I have to admit, I'm a little bit bothered by all the comments about being the bigger person.  I think a lot of the time it really is the right path.  And it might be the right thing for the poster in her case. 

But I think when you have to be the bigger person all the time for the sake of a family that disrespects you, it can lead to bigger problems.   I feel like it then becomes acceptable for everyone to treat you badly since you will be nice about it.  And after a while you end up building up a lot of resentment because it seems like everyone's feelings matter more then yours.  Even the feeling's of people who behave badly.  And if you mention your own feelings in this, it is considered selfish.

I'm not advocating always taking issue with every little thing and sure, it's important to let things go.  But when doing the right thing is just rewarded by a slap in the face, it becomes very hard to want to do the right thing everytime.  Especially if no one acknowledges how unfair it is..

[Liz]

Isitme...  I have to live with myself longer than I will have to live with anyone.  And I know right now, I can't forget.  I really wish I could... And I think Luise has given excellent advice.  Maybe someday I will be there.  Even my youngest child knows their are consequences to behavior.  I just can't fake it.  A simple "I am sorry" would have gone along way.  But they couldn't acknowledge  my hurt.  My husband asked them to apologize... My FIL refused.  I have been figuratively slapped in the face... If I am to be a good role model to my kids I should model how I want others to treat me.  I wouldn't want my kids to stick around for a literal or figurative slap in the face.  I am the only person in the family that has stood up to my FIL...  Everyone " got along to get along".  Sometimes you have to say "enough".  I do agree with often times to be the bigger person... But not this time.  My DH has lost all respect for his parents.  He is merely going to honor them for what they once were.  I am in full support of that.  I can't honor them for what they have become... very dysfunctional people.

I really do appreciate everyone's insight.  You are all very positive and give excellent feedback!

[Pen]

Sometimes it helps clarify things if you reverse the roles - if your DH felt slighted by something your Ps did or didn't do, and it was very important to him, would you keep your DC away from your own family? Would you lose respect for your family or would you try to see both sides? IDK, just a thought...

[herbalescapes]

Being the bigger person is nice and an excellent example for one's children, but it doesn't mean you have to be a doormat.  I think a married couple are a united front and if people are rude and insulting to one spouse, they are rude and insulting to both and therefore, have no place in the couple's or the couple's childrens' lives.  The most important relationship in any child's life (I'm not talking about AC) is the one between mom and dad.  Anyone who isn't supportive of that relationship, isn't a good influence in the child's life.  If the GPs can't behave with basic manners and decency toward mom, I don't care what else they can bring to the table, they are not a good addition to the kids' lives.  No one should be guilt-tripped into putting up with abuse. If you are OK with your DH and kids seeing the ILs without you, great.  But if you're not, you shouldn't be made to feel selfish for wanting an "all for one and one for all" attitude. 


Grandparents can be a wonderful influence in kids' lives, but they are not a necessity.  Would anyone consider Ma and Pa Ingalls selfish for picking up Mary, Laura and Baby Carrie and moving from the Big Woods to the prairie? Were the pilgrims selfish for packing up their kids and leaving England for the New World?  I don't care what laws are passed, the reality is that GPs don't have a right to see their GC.  If they had that right, they'd also have a responsibility like a divorced parent who has to pay child support and is required BY LAW to see the kids at designated times.  How many GP organizations would support a law that allowed AC to sue their parents on the GC's behalf and the GP were required to have the GC visit once a month and a week during the summer?  Regardless of health and finances.  What if the GPs couldn't retire to FL or A, but were forced to live out their golden years in northern ND because that's where their GC live?  What if you couldn't retire and travel the world because Judge Judy said every third Thursday and fourth weekend of the month you had to keep your GC? 

I'm not advocating cutting relatives off at the drop of the hat.  Each individual has to be honest with themselves about whether they've actually reached the end of their tether or if they are being hasty out of spite.  You have to live with yourself.  If you can look yourself in the mirror and say "I have tried with my ILs, but the stress of dealing with their craziness is too much" then I feel you are justified in cutting them off.  And it's not out of line to expect your spouse to have nothing to do with people who can't treat you decently.  And it's not out of line to have your children avoid people who can't treat you decently.  Kids tend to internalize what's said about their parents, especially the same-sex parent.  If mom is a whiny, self-absorbed snot, I must be one, too.  If dad is a lazy, good-for-nothing slob, I must be one, too.  It does matter what relatives say about you in  their presence, not because your kids will turn on you (they will as teenagers no matter what...), but because it can affect their own self-image.

For the OP, if DH is really concerned about your kids seeing cousins, why doesnt' he arrange for all of you to visit the cousins or have the cousins come visit you?  I imagine DH and his sister and any other sibs are all adults, so they shouldn't need mommy and daddy to facilitate an on-going relationship.  If your SIL decides she won't deal with her brother and his family independently, then that is her problem.  I get very frustrated with extended family that decide to pick sides without knowing all the facts and are willing to shun nieces/nephews just because the adults can't get along. 

Good luck.

[herbalescapes]

PS -  if my DH was offended by my family, I would have no problem keeping distance until they could behave themselves.  They dont have to like my spouse, but they have to treat him with the same courtesy and manners you expect from a stranger.

[Liz]

Herbal escapes... .  I so agree with your ps.... There would have been no way I would have tolerated my own parents behaving the way my inlaws behaved.  And my parents would have never behaved like that.  My dad (who died) was such an inspirational man... It magnifies their flaws 100 fold.

The one good thing that has come out of this....my dh called his siblings to tell them why I wasn't going.  Inlaws only told siblings I was angry with them... But had no idea why.  Which made my dh want to scream. Siblings all said their parents were selfish... and FIL was stubborn.  The siblings won't take sides... nor would I want them to.  But their parents have been exposed and they were not surprised.  My inlaws will be very upset when they realized the entire family knows the truth.

You all have been really helpful.  And I might not follow some of your advice... But it has been very enlightening for me to hear other perspectives.  Thank you all for your thoughtful responses.

[luise.volta]

This isn't about following anyones advice. It is about being heard and supported and being given other perspectives to factor in if they apply. Sending love...

[Liz]

Luise...  Thank you.  Every single poster has "heard" and supported me so much more than my inlaws.  Complete strangers have been more helpful.  Kind of makes me say "hmmmm".  : )

[pam1]

Welcome Liz

IMO, being the bigger person isn't always about letting the other person do what they want or give in on your values/boundaries.  Sometimes being the bigger person is the taking care of yourself.  Good luck to you

[Liz]

Update -  my two eldest kids had opportunities to go on church youth trips on the reunion weekend.  When dh had an honest discussion with the kids they said they would hands-down rather go on the youth trips than be with their grandparents.  They both basically said they don't know their grandparents... and grandparents never put any effort into them. So...  I am sure it was painful to hear but he agreed and gave his blessing for the youth trips.  He really wanted to bring the 7 year old because it gives him an excuse not to interact much with his parents.  He will leave the drink fest early to put her to bed, etc.  So he will go with our 7 year old and I will stay behind. And I am fine with it.  He really feels an obligation to go...  And I will support that.  He is dreading it... how sad for him.

Thanks for all of your input!