My First Grandchild Arrived this evening! BITTERSWEET

[autumnwoman]

Well ladies, tonight March 3, 2012, my FIRST GRANDSON arrived around 7:30pm 7lbs 4oz and 20 inches.  My YS sent me a text this is the happiest, saddest day of my life.  I tried to reach out to my OS and DIL a little over 2 months ago and was basically told via text too bad so sad...he has put our relationship behind him.  Well I could tell the text was written by DIL but I answered the text with a request for his email which he responded immediately so I thought maybe we have open communication again.  Well how wrong was I again....when will I learn.  Anyways, I sent a very nice letter, no accusing only positive, but as you all can guess know I have never heard from him again.  I sent a gift card with my YS for the baby shower and I did receive a thank you card from DIL.  I also sent DIL a birthday card and did receive a thank you text from DIL.  So now you have the update.  Today my grandson came into this world and I am so happy that all is good and that my YS is there to represent our family.  No other members were invited...again pretty sad.  Well, I know not to have any expectations so I am not disappointed that my OS didn't call but I am hurt that this has happened at all.  I don't know if I will ever get to see or know my grandson but I will not worry but I will pray.  Hopefully one day my prayers will be answered.  I want to thank everyone for listening to my story today and I wish all of us to hurt a little less each day.  I could sure use some words of wisdom tonight to heal my pain...I had always thought about the birth of my first grandchild but NOTHING could have prepared me for this HEARTBREAK! 

[InvisiMom]

Congratulations on becoming a grandma today, Autumnwoman! Nothing can take that away from you. I am sorry that your OS and DIL are making the choices they are, but perhaps becoming parents themselves will eventually give them a more loving perspective on what you did for your children. Much love to you and to your new little grandbaby boy.

[autumnwoman]

Thank you InvisiMom.  I too can only wait and see what the future will hold.  Your thoughts are greatly appreciated.

[JaneF]

Such a hard issue to deal with, very painful.  A whole lot of us here totally know how you must be feeling, as we have experienced the same thing.  I am so sorry for your pain.  I am glad you are here and have support from these wise women.  The only thing I know to do to help ease the pain is to find loving and supportive people to surround yourself with, and keep very busy doing something you love.  Now that your son and DIL have a child of their own, we can only hope it makes them think about how they would feel if this was done to them (but don't hold your breath).  It CAN happen though, we can always hope for that.  My thoughts will be with you.  J

[lancaster lady]

So sorry for you Autumn , my heart breaks for you , I know that feeling .
Hope is a great thing to hold on too , sending lots of it .

[Ruth]

Could you send more info, bittersweet, as to your statement re. you requested his email and ...'he responded immediately'?  how did he respond?   I might suggest if he even sent a word or two, that having his first child is taking precedence in his thoughts right now, and appropriately so, and have you just asked point blank from both of the parents if you can come and see the baby?  Sometimes we have to really get direct with a/c to get clear answers to our questions.  It seems they communicate on a different level, and I don't understand it at all myself, although I try.  What is the background of what you are calling a 'cut off'?  Please don't assume the worst, you both may be seeing things very differently.

[autumnwoman]

Ruth, "he responded immediately" I meant he only sent his email address but I thought his quick response was some kind of sign...I was wrong.  I sent the email to him the next morning and never received any response.  I sent a text to him 4 days later to ask how they were doing and if he received my text.  Again, no response.  Last night I did send a text congratulating both of them on their son, his response "Thank you from the 3 of us."  He has become a coward only communicating when he wants too and only in text.  Again his way of controlling me. There has been a transformation in him since he met my DIL now 7 years ago...it was slow but steady in cutting me out of his life, first his friends, then his family now me.  He also has no communication with his father but they had issues for years after we divorced.  My OS and I had a great relationship and never did I think this would happen, but it has.  He knows this hurts me and he likes to be in control and is exactly like his grandfather on my ex-husband side, "mean, cruel and cold-hearted" which is very hard for me to accept, but I have too.  They hold all the cards..this generation has very different morales.  I would NEVER have treated my MIL or FIL like this, but again I am a woman and he is a man.  It's amazing to me how they can turn their backs and NEVER look back.  But I also see similar things with daughters on this site.

I want to thank everyone for their support and without this site and my close friends I don't think I would be doing as well as I am right now.  It is "their" loss but my concern is not for them...but for my grandson it's so unfair that he won't be allowed to know me and me to know him and to share his heritage with him.  He will only know one side of the 4 sided equation.  Since my DIL's mother did the same thing to her husband.  No contact with them or with the children.  I will keep hope alive that in time all things are possible, but as we all know our children don't seem to have the same sense of "family" as our generation did in the past.  I pray for us all! 

[Ruth]

Many of us here have the same stories, my older posts sound much the same as yours.  I will tell you this, however, most younger people communicate in text, and their mode(s) of communication are just different than our generation's.  I don't think they mean it rudely, but it is their culture.  He may not mean it as manipulating you, or passive aggressively attacking you at all.  There is a gray area there.  Lately I have been working on realigning my thinking and attempting to work with their communication styles, rather than despise it and reject it.  It's hard, and it takes time.  My old school politeness and protocol writhes in anguish.

My ds throws me a crumb of communication every few weeks or so, in response to my emails, usually in three or four words ' I'm ok, school is ok, see ya'.  He never even says my name 'Mom'.  It has been very very painful for me for too many years to count now, and it kept me deep into depression for more than a decade, but finally I have gone on with my life.  I realize it is much harder with there are g/c involved, which in my case there are not with ds, but you can still move on ahead and let life teach him the lessons he must learn in order to have fulfilled his assignments on this earth.  I have also learned to always view the situation as open ended, life moves and the world turns, people change and it is always very possible for relationships to get better.  the best chance for that to happen is for you to stop focusing on it.  Keep sending emails and cards, etc., casually and caringly, as if there were no rift.

You are cared for here, and you can get lots of help here.  Stay on it, and read a lot and write.  It will help, I promise.  You learn to focus on the positive things in your life, and limit the amount of time each day you allow yourself to dwell on the loss.  Once I was able, however, to understand my ds's personality, I was able to stop taking it personally because it is how he relates to people, this is good news and bad news.  If it were an 'issue' I could always hope it would be resolved and we could be restored.  As it is, I know that unless time softens him and heals some of the damage, I have to relate to him on his terms only.

[pam1]

Ruth, "he responded immediately" I meant he only sent his email address but I thought his quick response was some kind of sign...I was wrong.  I sent the email to him the next morning and never received any response.  I sent a text to him 4 days later to ask how they were doing and if he received my text.  Again, no response.  Last night I did send a text congratulating both of them on their son, his response "Thank you from the 3 of us."  He has become a coward only communicating when he wants too and only in text.  Again his way of controlling me. There has been a transformation in him since he met my DIL now 7 years ago...it was slow but steady in cutting me out of his life, first his friends, then his family now me.  He also has no communication with his father but they had issues for years after we divorced.  My OS and I had a great relationship and never did I think this would happen, but it has.  He knows this hurts me and he likes to be in control and is exactly like his grandfather on my ex-husband side, "mean, cruel and cold-hearted" which is very hard for me to accept, but I have too.  They hold all the cards..this generation has very different morales.  I would NEVER have treated my MIL or FIL like this, but again I am a woman and he is a man.  It's amazing to me how they can turn their backs and NEVER look back. But I also see similar things with daughters on this site.

I want to thank everyone for their support and without this site and my close friends I don't think I would be doing as well as I am right now.  It is "their" loss but my concern is not for them...but for my grandson it's so unfair that he won't be allowed to know me and me to know him and to share his heritage with him.  He will only know one side of the 4 sided equation.  Since my DIL's mother did the same thing to her husband.  No contact with them or with the children.  I will keep hope alive that in time all things are possible, but as we all know our children don't seem to have the same sense of "family" as our generation did in the past.  I pray for us all!

Autumnwoman, congratulations on being a grandmother!

I do want to ask what you mean by the bolded above in your post. 

Also, IMHO, a lot of estranged parents try extra hard to reconcile when there is a new grand baby in the picture and it only serves to turn the new parents off.  IMO, it's too much for a new parent to not only adjust to parenthood and their radically changed world/emotions *and* deal with emotional issues from the past.

Ideally all of this would have been resolved before the pregnancy but it wasn't. I know it stinks for you but I think the best thing you can do is give them plenty of space and let them come to you. 

[Pen]

AW, congratulations on the birth of your GS. We know how much you love your DS & your new GC. I hope things work out; but we're here for you no matter what. I agree that pushing the new parents will backfire on you, unfortunately. I'd keep gifts and communications to a minimum. Men especially don't need more than 15% of the words we spew out, I read somewhere. Tell DS succinctly that you will always love him and his little family, and step back until they contact you. Best wishes; please keep posting.

It's a bit of a shock to rethink our approach to communication. What shall I do with all the lovely stationery I've collected over the years, lol? I'm running out of older friends relatives to send notes to! Some of the most senior of them email and text like the young 'uns.

Even in this brave new texting world, there's polite and there's rude. My DS called me to make sure DIL had thanked me for a gift I'd sent her awhile back.     Score one for Miss Manners.

[Ruth]

Pam I think she's saying that the same problems also happen with dd, as well as ds, so it isn't just a gender thing.    this the first time I ever used a face I hope I got the right one in there!

[firelight]

Congratulations, autmunwoman!

I know that when our hearts heart so much it just feels like we could just die over it.  We all know, too, that we love our kids no matter what the relationship has turned out to be. 

I guess I'd give it a few weeks then call and let them know you really want to come and see the your new GS and new addition to the family sometime very soon.   I really hope someone responds to you whether it be your DS or DIL. 

Just try to keep yourself busy in the meantime to keep your thoughts of sadness right now at bay as much as possible. 

Posting here will really help and all of us here know the heartache of having dissension with our AC.  We know that you miss your DS very much.  It sounds like this has been a long situation though also.  At least they did respond somewhat to you.  Maybe you could take over a dinner (do you live in the same town?) when you do go visit so the new exhausted parents won't feel like they have to entertain you.  Just a thought.  I so hope things improve for you all!!!

[firelight]

P.S. autumnwoman,
try not to get too offended by the no response to emails and texts right now.  You remember how new babies literally take up all your time and energy. 

Sending the warmest of thoughts to you!

[pam1]

Pam I think she's saying that the same problems also happen with dd, as well as ds, so it isn't just a gender thing.    this the first time I ever used a face I hope I got the right one in there!

It looks like a big old grin to me!   

[autumnwoman]

Thank you all!  Yes Ruth you are correct.  My comment meant: "it's NOT a gender thing"  if it came across another way I apologize for the miscommunication.

The baby was born last night.  The not responding to my communication has been going on since December 2010.  But I do understand that I men do use very little words and texting is the new form of communication for most of the younger generation and it's not always meant to be rude.  I am going to continue sending cards to my DS and DIL but only for special occasions, birthday, Christmas, Anniversary etc.  I will send gift cards in a card for my GS but I am also opening a savings account for him along with some journals about his heritage and our family and to let him know how very much he is loved and hopefully things will change before his 25 birthday which is when I will give it to him or have it given to him if I am no longer on this earth.

I realized a few years ago that pushing gets you nowhere.  You can't make anyone do something they don't want to do.  I want DS & DIL to want to communicate with me.  I can only hope that in time things could change.  I have not had any communication with DS and DIL since December 2010 through January 2012 when I made the first contact with them via a personal handwritten letter to their home.  That is when I received a text message reply blasting me for all my faults in their eyes. My DS does not contact me for anything.  If I contact him and he feels like answering he will but otherwise I do not hear from him at all.

I want to thank everyone for their input and I may send a text in a couple weeks to request a visit with my GS but I won't have any expectations because Luise always tells us that only sets us up for disappointment.  I will keep reading and working on healing my heart everyday.