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anyone have trouble with SIL,as most always discuss the DIL

Started by artlady, March 25, 2012, 07:43:01 pm

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lancaster lady

It's hard to know which way to jump Ruth without knowing the individual. By backing off making him feel all powerful or facing up to make him back down . I think it would depend on how my dD was feeling about it all , by previous posts if she's planning another baby already she must be happy .  However I would dive in with both feet if she became distressed in any way , just the Momma bear coming out in me . Each situation is different as I mentioned , no two people are completely alike . Supporting you Artlady , one Mom to another . Hope better days are ahead .

NewMama

I think I agree with Ruth here, that maybe you need to talk with DD about how her situation looks to you and your DH. She may agree with you and she may say that no, everything is fine and she's really happy. If she does say that, you may just need to let her know you're there for her and that's it. I know it's not easy, but you seem to be finding someway to deal with SIL behaviour (not visiting when he's there, your counseling etc) and that may be what you need to do until she says otherwise. I think confronting SIL would be a disaster with what sounds like his personality.

I've read from you posts too that you've had you're own unpleasant interactions with him, but I'd tread carefully around their disagreements you heard about through your DD. I never tell my own mom when DH and I disagree because I know she'll always take my side (regardless if I'm being unreasonable or wrong) and like most women, she'll keep a mental list of the ways DH 'wronged' me. We tend to vent to others when we're angry, but she's never around when we talk things over and come to an agreement. (I should add, my mom LOVES my husband, but I know how mother's are when they think someone's picking on their kid. Watch out). Please don't take this to mean that I think what your DD is telling you isn't true, but if you talk to her about it, I'd stick solely to things you've seen and heard from him with your own eyes and ears. 

artlady

@ Ruth my gut feeling about him is the same as yours. So many say talk to her so many say don't. I feel as close as we are , the conversations we have had in the past about so many things that we are able to talk about just about everything without a back lash but this subject is one that I've tread lightly on but at times I think sometimes my concern comes out in other ways. Visited with her yesterday , of course baby is still fussy, gassy and not sleeping long stretches( like most think he is not getting enough from the breast milk but I"m not a lactation expert so I"m not going to take on that battle ). She has her hands full , sleep deprived herself, fussy baby and high maintenance dh. WE wonder about this almost obsession with his mother's death nearly 12 years ago. My best friend how is a funeral director and grief counselor feels that there is more to that story than we know . She feels there was something that was bad going on , he didn't do something he wish he should have or knows he should have , a dispute between them, she is not sure but she said folks have problems with closure when there is also a guilt from them of something they did prior to the death. So she made some good points and I"m glad you read into that also as ,my DH feels there is more to that story, we had to have her pic and life etc on a little table at the wedding, a special tribute to her in the program, a favors table was for breast cancer in her name all guests were included in a donation to breast cancer organization , and now the baby's middle name is her first name. He has several pics of her in the house . Her mother, his only grandmother lives about 100 miles away from him , she decided 2 weeks before the wedding not to come , we don't know why as she had dress etc , he has never called her to find out, and i doubt that he has called her to tell her about the baby. So he is not close to his own grandmother etc so how can we expect him to be close to us or that this child will be close to us . He sees family except for him mother as a threat i think to his control and manipulation . His brother who lives in same town has yet to call or come see baby . His dad and sm are a real piece of work so they are not going to be involved as they have her 2 gs and she is not going to make a big deal over his , they were horrible during pre and post wedding . I think in my DD mother's day card , I'll write a bit to her , I try to write special letters to her on special days and celebrations so she can keep them ( and she does ) as my mother did for me and now those letters mean the word to me since she is no longer with me , I cherish them m can go back read them and get a little perspective on life if I'm having a tough time , I might need to go read a few now   lol . This is a rough spot to be in but with the support here , guidance from friends and a plan from the counselor we will be able to survive the storm but he will never change so we know it will be us that has to change to survive it that is the hard part. thanks

artlady

Should have read back a few comments but still on 2nd cup of coffee here , anyhow my best friend and her mother all visited with us yesterday at DD's. They saw exactly first hand how hard this baby is but how calm and good she is with baby. They also noticed the desperate feeling dd has to figure out all these things that is going on with baby, we can not figure out why they have not gone to the Doctor but are waiting on the 8 week check up from the 3 day after hospital visit. She did call to see if she could gt in earlier but she can't the only thing is that it might not be included on the wellness plan , who knows but tight wad DH might think it is OK to wait. I have no problem with any of it if she is truly happy, I can breathe but it is hard knowing my dd that all of this is what she wanted , how she thought it would be . I can tell though she will be pouring all she has in this baby , she can love it , it will love her and it will be unconditional which might not be the way the DH is to her . If she wants another one so fast that is not a problem but from so many conversations before marriage , before this baby her plan was not to have them that close . She wants 2 but beefier this baby he said he wants 4, so that has me thinking that is why all of a sudden the timing has changed to get 4 in before she is too old .I just wonder if having lots of babies keeps her home , gives him more control / manipulation and she will then not be able to ever leave him with all those kids and him the breadwinner( his mind set).  She will be 32 in Nov and I know she said she wasn't going to be 40 having babies if it was hard for her to get pregnant but fertile myrtle took in one monthLOL. She is very concerned about getting back in shape getting into her pre  pregnancy clothes etc she is working out , walking baby etc so i know she wants to get back in shape as she is a slim tall gal with great figure. So it makes me wonder if she wants to do this so fast again . Now he is 5 years older than her but he is not the primary caretaker of the babies or giving birth .  I don't' know I wish i had a magic pill for all of this and if any of you find it please send me the toll free number as i need a  ton delivered asap  lol Have a great one good buddies  love and hugs