August 19, 2019, 05:19:12 pm

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


should i talk to dd about concerns ?

Started by artlady, February 12, 2012, 04:48:00 pm

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

artlady

Well I've not been to see new grandson in 2 weeks now , as he is still so fussy, gassy and not on too much of a schedule so I never know when is a good time and she needs her rest when she can get it so company makes it hard. We are keeping our 6 month old grandson while his parents are out of town with their jobs and wow is it fun. So we they think we rare doing them a favor but really they are doing us a favor for helping to heal the pain from the SIL 's attitude toward us and any family involvement, plus the disconnect from a daughter that we have always been so close to .  So this littlr bundle of joy is giving us so much light this week, now by the end of the week we might need to call the emergency squad to come scoop us up for lack of energy. lol

Pen

Oh, that's wonderful that you get to take care of your GS! Enjoy (and take your vitamins, lol.)
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

artlady

Such a happy baby and easy to take care of and we did thank goodness for vitamins. I still have a heavy heart that there is the distance between my only child my daughter and myself since her first child was born 6 weeks ago. She is so tired and trying everything to find solutions to her baby's gas and fussiness but they don't got back for check up till april 4 . So she wants to do this on her own , i understand but in my mind i don't know why they haven't called or seen the doctor to ask questions as 8 weeks is a long time to go for a newborn. She nurses on demand and that is all the time and he won't sleep unless she is holding him or he is layign on her / She is worn out / I 'm very concerned as she is stuck at home , can't go anywhere he is too fussy, she does see a neighbor that she can walk baby with but that is it . She is a very outgoing person and hubby is not plus he wants her not to go back to work . So I see the control and how her life might go if she doeen'st go back to work . I"m just heavy hearted with pain for her . WE were so close before she married this guy and now I dont' know what is going on , everyone is in shock as they all know how super close we are , like best friends that jsut have fun together all the time . Now nothing . Im just crushed and don't know what to do . Any advice

Pen

(((hugs))) to you, AL. I have no advice for you, just support. It's as if our DC have been taken over by the invasion of the body snatchers. My friends were a little shocked too, they all said "But you were so close!" No preparation, no warning...shocking, as you said.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

luise.volta

I am wondering about something medical like postpartum depression. Too much change all at once. There may be an underlying cause. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

lancaster lady

My DIL changed over night when she had my GD , that was a shock to my system , so it must be worse with your own DD . We must understand I suppose they are getting used to a whole new way of life . Hopefully when baby has settled and she is more herself , your DD will turn to you once again . Maybe she wants to prove she can do this by herself to her DH to prove something ? Who knows what goes on behind closed doors . It might be his doing  after all . She will need you AL , you're her Mom , waiting is torture I know .

Ruth

Artlady, I don't think you can DO much or anything with this situation.  Having walked many miles in your shoes, I can also now safely say that it just isn't your role to do anything.  DD is an adult and has made her own choices, and your role is just to be close by to give love and support when you're called on to do so, and when there is silence, to respect that the married couple are in their own space and working on their own problems in their own way, because they are a unit now.  DD is no longer just yours, but she is part of a family of her own.  I know we have a hard time with this, but we don't have any choice if we're going to have any quality of life, but to accept that we now ride in the back seat, we aren't driving the car any more.  Your time will come as the baby pulls out of this stage, and happy days will be ahead when you can indulge in being a grammie and evolving into a new role.  Whether or not DD remains in this marriage is her own business, she is free to stay or to go.  She is even obviously educated and able to provide for herself if she should choose.  I think you are stressed out, and very fragile emotionally because the birth of a baby is huge and its so easy to get all wrapped up in it.  I think if I were you, I'd get myself involved in something new, whether it be a class or a book club or a new sport, just anything to distance yourself from preoccupation over this problem.  Because you are powerless to make any change there.  You are projecting yourself into your DD's place, and it may not be accurate, she is younger and stronger than you and has more internal resources to deal with the challenges of a challenging infant.  Trust me, I walked that road for 13 years with my DD, in constant anguish and turmoil over her marital situation.  I would say go, she would say no can't.  I would say stay, she would say she couldn't stay and had to go.  It went on like that forever, then in the midst of my sleepless nights and torture, they would take a vacation together and send back a postcard.  Finally, DD made her own decision to leave the marriage, when she was good and ready.  Not that its been smooth, but I had to learn that I'm not God and I can't order the universe to suit her, or any of my loved ones. 

artlady

Thanks Ruth for the words of wisdom. I worry from afar as they are 100 miles away so i don't see them that much and only hear all the frustration right now of trying to get the baby settled. I know I 'm not going to interject anything about her marriage , in fact that is not a topic we discuss, if she mentions a frustration about her DH , i might comment that is how men are etc but never go any further. It has been so hard as it is like the body snatchers have come in and taken the daughter i did know prior to marriage but if you go back to post of how he acted at reception , since then wedding and at the hospital then you will get a good idea of why I"m worried. I am involved and still working part time thank goodness but it is the time at night when i sit down , or idle time that my mind goes into over drive with concern. I know I can't help her , she has to make her own decisions and that now she is part of her own family, I just so don't want to see her hurt but that in itself is a learning lesson of life and we wll go through those times just hard for a parent to watch. Now I know it was for mine to watch my learning processes. Not fun . Thanks again and this too will pass , she will come out fine and hopefully this baby will bring the DH around to family is an important part of life , as are grandparents , friends etc. To isolate you and your family is not healthy

artlady

DD called this morning to wish me Happy Birthday ( big 60) we talked like we used to about everything and nothing (lol). Just fun and really made my day. Of course that husband was at work and I guess she just ran up minutes on her phone and will hear about it later from him, since her free time isn't till 7 and he will be home then. This is the first birthday that she hasn't spent with me so I'm sad about that but hearing her voice, she telling me all about the baby stuff, and we talked about NCAA basketball as we are all big BB fans. I do feel soooooooooooooooo much better , so maybe today won't be as bad as I thought . Thanks all

luise.volta

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

lancaster lady


Pen

ArtLady, happy happy birthday! What a lovely gift of time, conversation and love from your DD. Bask in it!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

pam1

People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

artlady

 :)Thanks all but it is really settling in on me that i'm now the 60 , wow how the last 10 years have gone by so fast. So now i think i'll set my sites on a lot of more years instead of the next 10  lol

artlady

treading lightly , visiting when i can , being there for her but she is trying so hard to do what i know her instincts are telling her in regards to taking care of the baby as he is still gassy, fussy and a nursing machine , so she is a sleep deprived mommy. hubby is researching all things and telling her what she needs to do, as she has told me all these things they have tried , I"m not getting into it as I know not to . She is still pretty cut off from folks but has gotten out of the house alone 2 times in 7 weeks, walks baby with neighbor she just met and her babies. So that makes me feel better. Not asking if she will go back to work as that is their decision but if she stays home as he wants her to do , i fear the control will become worse. Yesterday was my 60th and this is the first birthday she has not celebrated with me , she called and we talked just like we always do about whatever , no problems etc just fun  , i think we talked for 1-2 hours as that is about the 5th time I've talked to her since the baby was born 7 weeks ago since she has no free time til 7 on her phone and he is home so she wont' call in front of him, I hope she doesn't get in trouble for calling on chg time . Of course he didn't or hasn't acknowledged my bd, she wanted us to come up for dinner , or lunch with them but it is my birthday , I've got small nerve fiber neuropathy and riding is very hard for me , I can do it but i pay for days. So riding up and back in one day is a dozy for me .I think I'll go up and back one day next week while he is at work. Right now after how he has treated us since the wedding and now especially at the hospital it hurts to be around him and he has been rude at the house too .  DH is done but he will go but had rather avoid him , just see dd and gs. So life is the same , I'm older now do you think I'll get wiser ?  lOL