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My adult son rejects/blames me for his life

Started by jeannehiga, February 24, 2012, 12:06:54 pm

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lancaster lady

They do call this the ''Throw away Society'' .
Where as we were ''Make do and Mend ! ''.

Perhaps we are included in that throw away bit .
I certainly saw that when my Ds was moving in , anything he didn't like the look of got thrown out .
I was horrified at the waste , then again I do have a lot of 'stuff' hanging round , still learning I guess  :D

Elise

"Anytime the abuse starts just cut him off , he'll soon get the message"

This worked for me, though it took nine months after 3 years of abuse,of progressively more intense 'cut offs' for ds to finally understand I was through - really through, unless respect was present.  As Louise says, the 'pathology' is still not understood by me, though since I never heard one thing I did wrong even as I used to beg to be told ( I really was pathetic in begging I see now), I just had to deal with what was presented to me at face value - namely emotional abuse.  So...finally I did. After 3 months of no contact my ds called to tell me he and dil want me in their lives and we are taking baby steps.  Since reconnecting I only had to force him off the phone one time due to the same old, same old, on Mothers Day - go figure.  He called back a hour later ( from China - he was there on business) and he started sobbing. Really hard for me to hold the line, but I did.  It was terrible to hear my 32 year old 6'5" son sobbing his heart out.  He didn't really have any explanation that made sense, he was obviously in a lot of pain.

Interesting thought about the throw away culture - may be an answer. 

Guess what I taught him in childhood about how to treat people had somehow not been understood to apply to me, not just others in his life.  Immature for sure.  No more 8 year old temper tantrums on my heart!

This is very hard to do and while it is correct in my opinion, my heart has been broken and trust destroyed, hoping though again for ways to heal this as we wait his first child at Xmas.

Moms never walk away - right?  Wrong - this one did.  Goes back to another thread we had a few weeks ago about walking away process being an active one, not a passive one and dynamics thereby sometimes shift a lot once we do it. That was true for me. I don't think it works unless one is really prepared to say no more - period, paragraph, full stop.  And they know when we mean it - they have been watching us all their lives and know a fake when they see it. Writing this makes it sound sort of easy to do and it isn't at all - it isn't a tactic, it is a soul deep place where survival is at stake - self survival.  Without which we have nothing.

PatiencePlease

Interesting thread with really good feedback....

I was talking to my H about this just a couple of days ago because once again we are experiencing issues with our S.  I won't put up with the disrespect and I once again had to make it clear to my S.

I admitted to my H that it's really hard to pull away at times because we as women struggle with balancing the mothering side with the tough side.  There is this built-in maternal drive to "make things better" but the sirens in your brain go off reminding you it's your adult child's turn to "make things better" for himself. 

My daughter is nothing like my son, nor is my son anything like H and I were at his age.  He's different.  Don't know where it came from but it's there.  He was raised the same way as his sister.  I tell myself God doesn't give me more than I can handle.  Guess I can handle this but it still continues to break my heart.

jeannehiga

Aloha from Maui,
Many thanks for your letters.  Good advice and I will do my very best to "listen and stay detached".  It's the best thing for him and for me.  If he asks for advice I will offer a short version.  No detailed talks to start an argument.  Life continues on so I'll have a piece of cherry pie and start my day!  Hoping for a good day for you all.  There is joy to be found in a hundred small ways and they add up!   Maui Mom

luise.volta

Thinking about the 'Throwaway' thing and how different it was when I was young...(born in 1927.) My mother 'turned the collars' on my dad's shirts and replaced the pockets. She darned our socks and canned our food. We saved string and, when it was invented, aluminum foil...and we had to turn off any light we weren't using. Now I recycle what I can and still contribute to land fill. We do have a resident-run thrift store on campus, that helps...but still...hardly anything gets repaired. It gets replaced because it's often cheaper...labor-wise. Things become obsolete. too. So different.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

SadToTheCore

I haven't seen my son for 8 months now. He ceased all contact until a few weeks ago.  As much as I was so happy to hear from him, I'm back to the twisted stomach and pounding heart. He has said some mean things again, playing the blame game. He truly is delusional ... Mentally ill? But it's still hard to take. My DH refuses to see or talk to him until he apologizes to us. That will not happen. My DS wants to come here for fathers day,, but he has no car and is still living with my estranged sister.  He still has no job  again, this drastic change took place about 6 years ago  my husband is done  I am in the middle. I don't know what to do. Thank God for this site. It helps so much!

luise.volta

I'm so sorry. Please know that whatever you do or don't do...your son has his life to live, his choices to make and the resulting consequences to face. Your job is done. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama