DS is not happy

[themuffin]

Hey you guys!!!

    DS stopped by yesterday.  First thing he showed me was a sonogram picture of the baby.  I must be the grandmother because at under five months in the making I already think she is BEAUTIFUL!!!

    Anyhoo, we sat down and he got to talking about what's been going on with them.  Somehow it came up that he and FDIL's mom are not getting along.  He said the entire family has basically turned against him. He mentioned that FDIL had actually left him a couple of weeks ago due to some argument in which he said he grabbed her wrist to stop her from hitting him but she took it as him being violent toward her and must have told this to her family.  As a result her mom came and took back the house warming television set she gave them a few months ago.  FDIL has returned but the family is still angry with him.  DS said that he will not allow the tv to be returned and he also refuses to let her mother buy the crib. I said that he should (they really can't afford one) but he said he wants nothing from her.

     FDIL and family are also throwing his cheating past up in his face.  He said they think he may be cheating now or will possibly do it again.  Hey, I never say never, but from what I could see he's been working like a dog and had been very happy about the upcoming birth of his first child.

      It seems that there is a lot of friction in their relationship due to her not wanting a relationship with his FOO.  He said they've spent every weekend with her family, and he doesn't think that it's fair that the baby will only know her family and get to bond with her family and not know his. He said that he told her that I've been looking forward to this "since the day he was born", (a bit of an exaggeration, but not too far off) and that I would be a great grandma (It pleased me to hear him say that).  He said, " I told her my mom's a big kid at heart."  Seems like he was really standing up for us and I was really pleased about that.  I told him that I was willing to leave what happened in the past and move forward. I told him that this baby makes us all family and for the sake of the baby we should all just get along.  He said he feels the same but she doesn't.  He said she doesn't know if she can trust me.  She really blows my mind!!!  I'm the one who should have the trust issues. I told him that she doesn't see the wrong she does, but only the wrong doings of others and she never lets go.  He said, "I know.  She has issues."

    I purchased the most adorable little girl table and chairs.  Way too early but just too cute to pass up.  DS loved it and took a picture of it.  I told him that I really struggled with my decision to buy it because I don't know if FDIL is going to allow me to have a relationship with the baby.  I told him again, that I want to get excited but it's really hard because of FDIL.  To my great suprise he said, "Me too. "  He said he doesn't feel excited like he did before.  He said it's like she's using the baby against him and that the baby is hers and her family's. 

    I felt good that he was sticking up for his family and that it was important to him to share this wonderful blessing with us. But I also felt sad for him because she is stealing all of his joy.  Hormones could be playing a part, but she's always been "special".  A guilty part of me is glad that he's allowing himself to see what we've seen all along.  I only wish that he could have seen it before they created a little life. All in all I hope they work it out.  The only thing I've ever wanted for my children is their happiness. 

     I pray things improve.  Sending hugs to all of you!!!

[JaneF]

Wow muffin...once again I felt as if I wrote your last post myself!  Sounds exactly like what I have been going through for over a dozen years.  Do NOT give up hope yet.  My own DS just last week did what your DS did and admitted his wife has "issues".  My son also said the same thing about wanting the children to know his FOO as well as hers.  Seems like a common problem with several of us here.  I sure hope for your sake, and the sake of the new baby to arrive (not to mention everyone involved) that things can be resolved in a reasonable manner.  I know exactly how it is when the DIL sees faults in everyone else except herself or her FOO!  Keep us posted on how your son is doing.  J

[luise.volta]

I feel so sad when I read that someone headed for motherhood is bent on resolving conflict by physically attacking another adult. It is so incredibly far from maturity and offering stability to a child. Your son seems to be doing so well in spite of it all. And I can see that little table and chairs set. You need something like that just for you. Sending love...

[Doe]

He mentioned that FDIL had actually left him a couple of weeks ago due to some argument in which he said he grabbed her wrist to stop her from hitting him but she took it as him being violent toward her and must have told this to her family. 

Someone I knew took a court ordered anger management class.  One of the participants said that she was there because she had grabbed hold of her ex's hand - like "don't go" - she was charged with false imprisonment.  He didn't press charges but it came up in a discussion with the police and they charged her anyway.  Apparently, those charges are common when a partner tries to stop the other from walking away and a couple of seconds suffices.   I know laws vary state by state.

Tell your son to be careful out there!

[themuffin]

Thanks for the replies WW!!! 

Jane I felt the same when I read and responded to your earlier post regarding your DS.  I was going to write about my DS on your post but I didn't want to thread jack!   It feels sooo good when it seems they are finally getting it!!!

My thoughts exactly, Luise.  I keep thinking about her.  I would love to reach out to her and say, "Hey, let it go and enjoy this wonderful time. You are going to be a mother!!!  It's an amazing, beautiful journey.  Please don't enter it with bitterness in your heart."  But she wouldn't be receptive to it.  I can tell just from DS said yesterday that I'm right in guarding my heart.  Even he feels that she's going to keep the little one away from us. 

Thanks for the word of caution, Doe.  What you described sounds so innocent, but I think that DS could benefit from anger management classes. He does have anger issues.  I don't believe he would strike her, but he does have difficulty controlling his anger.  Since he can't hit people when he's angry he breaks things.  He punches walls, doors (actually punched a hole in a bedroom door that could not be replaced because the house is so old). He beat the hell out of a tree with a bat after one of their fights.  I have to give him credit.  I could tell that there was one time he really wanted to smack her, but he didn't.  It was after she repeatedly spat in his face.  Believe it or not I was on her side.  She had learned about yet another woman.

Thanks everyone.  Going home to enjoy the long weekend. 

HUGS!!!
 

[luise.volta]

It seems to me that grabbing and holding someones hand to keep them from hitting you, as in this case  if I understand it correctly)...is a bit different. We have to protect ourselves...and men being beaten by women is becoming an increasing problem.

[Pooh]

Big hugs muffin!

[firelight]

Hey muff...
I Your DS hopefully realizes he does have rights....as does grandparents.....I don't know how far I'd go actually as a grandparent (since all the fight in me is just puttered out these days)....but your DS has a right as does his future DD is entitled to know her daddy.....

hopefully this will resolve in time.  For everyone's sake!

[luise.volta]

We leave names out of our posts for obvious reasons. OK? I'm the only one who is not anonymous here. Thanks.

[firelight]

Gosh, did I say something wrong?  I am reading my post but I don't see a "name" that isn't our "stage name"....unless you weren't talking to me, luise....but I still don't see a proper  name in the threads......could be me though....tired.  "muff" meant "themuffin"...I just used it for short.  I apologize if I did something inappropriate.

[firelight]

Nevermind, I just got what you meant luise.....wow, a 15 hr work day with only 2 hrs sleep has me....I think you must have deleted the post that you were referring to which is why I didn't see it as I reviewed......  got it!

[luise.volta]

Good for you. It's a protective thing to keep everyone as anonymous as possible. I know it's sometimes hard to go back and read a modified post and remember. Thanks. Sending love...

[themuffin]

Good Morning Ladies...

     I see that one of my post has been edited.  My sincerest apologies.     Sometimes I get caught up and forget the rules.  Sorry Luise, I don't want to make what you do any harder.  If I haven't told you lately, I APPRECIATE YOU!!! 

   Thanks for the hugs Pooh....You'll see as I write more that I really need them.

    Firelight, thank you.  I was told by a coworker about grandparents rights.  It just seems so wrong to have to enforce them in court.


  UPDATE!!!  FDIL called me at 4:46 am today.  My head was groggy as I was sleeping but the condensed version of what was said was that DS stormed out of the place after an argument with pretty much her whole family.  They caught him in a lie and "he flipped".  He punched holes in the walls and doors.  She said he needs help and he cried to her saying he needed help and was willing to talk to someone.  I told her that he was covered under my insurance and that I would look into it.  She said that she doesn't know if she can stay with him.  She said someone needs to talk to him.  I told him that he doesn't listen to us and she's the one he's closest to.  I told her that he's not really close to his family anymore.  She kept going on about how badly he needed help.  I remained neutral the whole time.  I did throw in that things really got bad after they got together.  It seemed more as if I was pinpointing the time, and not her so she didn't seem to get offended.  Of course, I did mean her!!

   I was worried that he was wondering around without his phone or anything.  I didn't know his mental state and I always feared way deep in the back of my mind that he was the type to harm himself.  When I finished talking to her I told hubby what she said.  After I finished he says, "DS is sleeping on the couch".  What a relief.  He said not to tell FDIL because DS didn't want her to know.  I had expected her to call back but she didn't. DS is currently in my bed sleeping.  When DS told me he was here I went downstairs and kissed his head.  My baby looked so sad and wounded.  I told him that he was home and not to worry.  I said if he wanted to talk about it we could, and if not we wouldn't.  I gave him a pillow and blanket and said I love you.

    I don't know how this is going to play out.  I know that I must remain neutral.  If not, they could get back together and I will be either further shunned for saying anything that he or FDIL feels was negative.  I've learned my lesson from last time.  I will keep you all posted. 

Hugs!!!

[luise.volta]

How you have maintained neutral is something I can't even imagine but I really admire it. We can't fix adults...we gave it everything we had and fixed everything we could when we were raising them. What they do with it or don't do with it is up to them and we have seen over and over again here how a series of poor choices can lead to the darkest, deepest places. My heart goes out to you all. Sending love...

[Doe]

Wow - wow - wow.  Life is definitely not dull for you. Please do keep posting your stories.