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And somethings from the other side...

Started by bettylou, April 16, 2010, 03:47:17 PM

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Onlooker

Quote from: Anna on April 19, 2010, 05:09:19 PMThey are not "other people", I was invited by my other son & future daughter-in-law to go to the school with them. Future daughter in laws children are in the same school as my gc.  Am I suppose to say no to my other son because of my dil??

If you're responding to allohamora, I suspect that she was saying that Betty Lou shouldn't have gone to the event that she described, where she didn't have authorization, not that you shouldn't have gone to the one that you described, where you did have authorization through the invitation from your FDIL.

Onlooker

luise.volta

What a sad situation when you are related. I suppose we all have different ideas about how it could best have been handled but the problem is about why you were not included in the first place and then treated like an outsider on site. It's something your son can fix or not fix. You can't and his wife won't. Appeal to him and let us know what happens. They rule. It's their decision...their children and it's horrible for you to my way of thinking.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pen

Anna's case is especially confusing since one son and FDIL want her there for their children, and the other DIL & DS don't want her there for theirs.

In a different scenario, Anna would be there with both sons, both DILs and all the GC, merrily enjoying a lovely school event. The GC would be so proud to have everyone there for them. How loved they would feel!

In this crazy world, how can a child feeling loved and supported by family members be a bad thing?
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

luise.volta

Yes, it's a real tough one, isn't it? I was referring to the ones that didn't want her there, when I posted. The kids must be really confused but all of it.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

willingtohelp

Dropping in quickly with a few updates and comments....
First, we have another tooth!  And a tired baby...and a very tired mommy. 

Second, just something I remembered about our newspaper birth annoucement...The form for birth annoucements in our local newspaper only asks for parent's names, names of the child's siblings, the weight at birth, the length at birth, and the day of birth.  Nothing else is included.   

luise.volta

Oh, do I ever remember those days (and nights)...even if they were in the 40s and 50s! Poor Mama!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

bettylou

Oh Anna, try to hang in there.......I know it hurts you alot, but do try to enjoy the time you have.  I had a thought about what you said, that just maybe, when the baby was born and announcements were being mentioned to the dil's mother that maybe her mom's feelings were running in overload about being a grandma, getting older, having lost her parents and she just broke down a bit about the grandparents on her side not going to be there and it was too much on her.  DIL perhaps was trying to be sensitive to her mother, and her and your son talked it to over and thought it was the best way to go, with out thinking it was going to hurt you.  I know when you are spending someone else's funds, it is nice to consult with them, but they just did not think of you and their side?  Is it possible that it went that way instead of being a deliberate slight?  I know when you are pushed away and on the defense you can see things totally differently, is this possible?  I am not trying to hurt you more, the opposite in fact, I would want you to feel better about this.  I hope it was not a malicious slight against you at all, just kind of a miscommunication that got out of hand?

cremebrulee

April 20, 2010, 06:43:41 AM #22 Last Edit: April 20, 2010, 06:52:18 AM by cremebrulee
Quote from: Anna on April 20, 2010, 04:05:17 AM
Concerning the birth announcement, our dil told us that she was including parents, grandparents & great grandparents.  It is standard procedure in our area to do this.  That is, until she talked to her mother.  Her mother felt it wasn't fair to dils deceased grandparents??  Dil was going to include all living grandparents.  This was a first child, grandchild, & great grandchild, and I paid for th announcement cause, at that time, son & dil wanted to announce the birth in the paper but didn't have enough money to do so.  Money was super tight for them back then, & they still have to count pennies !!
Thank-you Glitt, for pointing out that allohamora was addressing bettylou.  This is a touchy subject for me as my dil excludes me, even tho, outside school, I am my gc's full time caregiver & the emergency contact.  I understand how bettylou felt.  This treatment is hurtful & nothing can take away the pain.

Anna, Hi, this is ridiculous...absolutely ridiculous, "not fair to the deceased grandparents"?   Sheesh????  I think someone put something in the cool aide?  Yanno, this is way out of the park, and I would definately discuss this with son and DIL...this is absolutely unacceptable behavior, and very mean to do...this is very cruel...and you should be there...period!

You need to tell them your coming and go...I'm sorry, this is so upsetting....how can people treat others like this?  pathetic!  In this instance, I would draw the parent card, and nicely tell them, We are the grandparents and we are going to be there...now, is there anything I can bring?

In this case and in Betty Lou's case, I agree with Luise, appeal to the sons, and let them know you are definately coming, and that this is a definate hurt that goes way beyond.  If it were my son, I'd ask him right out, "What could you be thinking, and how could you treat us like this?"  And maybe I'm wrong, but both your son's need a reality check....



Hugs and love
Creme

luise.volta

Oh, Anna - This reminds me of the last family wedding we went to. The priest mentioned the deceased grandparents and Val was sitting right there, the only live grandparent...totally ignored. When the procession left the church it is customary for the priest to follow them and then the guests follow the priest. He cut Val off and went ahead of him. We never said anything because it was a happy day...but Val was confused and crushed and I was hopping mad.

It wasn't the priest's fault, he was just working with the information he was given...but why invite Val and then forget that he was there?

"Little things? I don't think so. Respect is a big thing.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

cremebrulee

Quote
Creme.  thank-you so much for your understanding.  Not fair to the deceased, indeed ???  I'm a little confused.  Why do you think both my sons need a reality check?


opps sorry, I was talking about Betty Lou and you, both your sons...

not both your sons...but yours and Betty Lou's....

ok, that makes sense doesn't it?   ::)