Author Topic: DIL here, would like input from the other POV  (Read 9932 times)

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Offline Karina53

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Re: DIL here, would like input from the other POV
« Reply #75 on: February 20, 2012, 05:51:53 PM »
I'm sorry for what you are going through. It sounds awful. And it sounds very similar to my OD's MIL. They have finally broken away from her toxicity, but it was awfully stressful on my DD. She went through hell. I told her early on that I thought her MIL had Narcissistic Personality Disorder. They went to a counsellor who helped them, and also told them that MIL has NPD. This isn't a simple case of being vain, but, rather, a totally disordered way of looking at and dealing with the world. I grew up with an older sister who also has NPD, and it took me years to find a counsellor who knew what it was. My sister wreaked havoc in my live, and it wasn't until I was in my late 30's that I finally began to understand it all. That was 20 years ago. About 15 years ago, I had to go "no contact" with her for my own sanity and peace of mind. Some people thought it was an awful way to treat a sister, but my responsibility is to myself and my own family. If you google NPD you will find some good sites, and one or two not. They have really helped me be strong in my own recovery of N abuse. Your MIL sounds so much like my daughter's MIL. They have finally gone no contact, and plan on moving to another state. I'm so happy for them. After 5 years of marriage, they finally get to really live their own lives and be their own family. You deserve the same.

Trondogs

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Re: DIL here, would like input from the other POV
« Reply #76 on: February 20, 2012, 06:35:31 PM »
Thanks Karina. I too wondered if my MIL has undiagnosed NPD. I've done some reading on it in the past and she fits a lot of the description and has a lot of the characteristics.

Lousie-  This police thing is never going to amount to me getting in trouble. She's strictly self-sabotaging herself...but oh well it was only a matter of time.

Offline Pen

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Re: DIL here, would like input from the other POV
« Reply #77 on: February 20, 2012, 06:39:52 PM »
Even if she's shooting herself in the foot, you still have to go through the drama. Thinking of you, Trondogs. I hope it is all resolved very soon.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Trondogs

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Re: DIL here, would like input from the other POV
« Reply #78 on: February 20, 2012, 06:46:52 PM »
Pen- that is true. I've realized that no matter what MIL is going to do what she wants. Even an r.o. or even a few days in jail won't stop her if she doesn't want to stop. DH just needs the mental tools and support that hes doing the right thing, even if it feels wrong to him. It's going to feel wrong to him because he's lived in her dysfunction for 20 years, but he has to trust me that I am right and only want our kids to have the best people in their lives.

It's definetly going to get worse (again) before it gets better but allowing MIL to do what she wants so she doesn't flip out is not the answer. Besides, she will never be satisfied and always pressuring more time, more days, more visits, longer visits, outings, and sleepovers eventually.

Better to have the drama minus her toxicity than have the drama with her in her "circle"

Offline Pooh

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Re: DIL here, would like input from the other POV
« Reply #79 on: February 21, 2012, 06:54:31 AM »
This may have been a blessing in disguise.  Not that it's going to be any fun for you sorting it all out, but if she's lied to police, that may be the push DH needed to see how harmful she can be. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Trondogs

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Re: DIL here, would like input from the other POV
« Reply #80 on: February 21, 2012, 08:41:22 AM »
Right, and let me tell you I will sue her for attorney's fees. It's not fair that I have to dish out money for nothing. Also, I will be filing charges for lying to police. She's opened this can of worms.

Offline Pooh

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Re: DIL here, would like input from the other POV
« Reply #81 on: February 21, 2012, 09:53:16 AM »
Also, you might want to ask your attorney about your no-contact order.  I know here, once they are issued, they automatically work both ways.  If DH has been voluntarily seeing her while the order is in place, here...he would be violating it.  Again, different states are different, but something to maybe ask about?
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline elsieshaye

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Re: DIL here, would like input from the other POV
« Reply #82 on: February 21, 2012, 02:23:53 PM »
I think Pooh has a good suggestion - it would be useful for you, I think, to get a complete picture of what the possible outcomes are so you can protect your family adequately.  It might also make it more concrete for your DH if it's coming from someone other than you that the contact with MIL has repercussions.
This too shall pass.  All is well.

Trondogs

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Re: DIL here, would like input from the other POV
« Reply #83 on: February 21, 2012, 08:37:17 PM »
The original no contact order was in old state.

Anyways after todays events I am 100% confident things are going to start looking up for us!!

So my attorney called me this morning and says I have a bond and that I need to turn myself in and that I have harassment and threatening charges brought against me from MIL.  So we went right down to station and dished out a few thousand dollars and I have a court date in 2 weeks.

Now dh is beyond angry and calls MIL. She does not answer, instead she texts him that she can't talk right now. Dh texts her back and says "now that you've lied to the cop and my wife has been arrested you have signed and sealed this with me and you're never going to hear from me again." MIL responds: "that's your choice. You guys cant hurt me anymore!!!!"

I have never seen dh so mad. This is a blessing that comes at a cost for me. Since MIL has made this up dh said that after the charges are dismissed that we're filing a civil counter-suit for attorney fees and bond money we dished out in her little charade she pulled.

And MOST IMPORTANTLY!!!!! Finally a therapist who thinks MIL should not ever see the kids and that dh needs to cut her off!!! Dh's own counselor herself. Dh started therapy tonight and after a 2 hour meeting he comes home and tells me everything his therapist said.

Dh told me he is never going to speak to her again and he doesn't even care. Almost a decade later dh finally gets it and for the first time in my life I can say I honestly feel he has!

Offline pam1

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Re: DIL here, would like input from the other POV
« Reply #84 on: February 22, 2012, 02:24:11 PM »
Trondogs, please have DH stop talking to her immediately.  She can use his texts today in court, if it comes to that.

Stop all contact, change phone numbers, shut down social media etc until this is resolved is what I would tell you if you were in my area.  Not a peep to anyone who even knows her, all communication that could go to and around her needs to be road blocked immediately.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Trondogs

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Re: DIL here, would like input from the other POV
« Reply #85 on: February 22, 2012, 08:50:36 PM »
Pam- it is too late. When DH told me he called his mom and texted her I frealed out a little and told him he shouldn't have done that because now MIL is going to have him arrested too!!! Of course I get the "she wouldn't do that to me" look.

Well what do ya know?! Cop calls DH today and says he needs to stop texting his mom or he's going to arrest him for intimidating a witness and tampering with police evidence. I am NOT surprised at all.

I asked DH what he is going to do if MIL texts him, calls him or emails him and he said he's calling the police.

It's funny how for the past few years I've been telling him his mom's going to do this or his mom's going to do that and every time he says she wouldn't do that. HA! Right- guess what... everytime she does exactly what I expect and exactly what DH doesn't think she'll do.

I wonder what is next :( GP rights I think

Offline pam1

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Re: DIL here, would like input from the other POV
« Reply #86 on: February 23, 2012, 08:39:32 AM »
Yes, document everything.  And all of you stay far, far away from her.  I'm so sorry you all are going through this.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Trondogs

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Re: DIL here, would like input from the other POV
« Reply #87 on: February 23, 2012, 08:45:18 AM »
Thanks Pam. I'm sure I will not be convicted of anything it's just the financial burden now...I mean who  has 6,000 to hand over for something like this... not us!

DH is finally done. He said he will never speak to her again. I think of my mom and I couldn't imagine not speaking to her for 2 days let alone having to let her go from my life forever. It is so sad for everyone involved that MIL is this menatally ill...

Offline Pen

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Re: DIL here, would like input from the other POV
« Reply #88 on: February 23, 2012, 09:36:12 AM »
Trondogs, this is truly heinous....and to think my DIL "just doesn't like" us for no discernable reason. Oh, if only she knew how bad it could be. My thoughts are with you and DH; keep your eyes on the prize.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Trondogs

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Re: DIL here, would like input from the other POV
« Reply #89 on: February 23, 2012, 09:39:08 AM »
My mother just called and said that his mother emailed her