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DIL here, would like input from the other POV

Started by Trondogs, February 15, 2012, 07:51:36 AM

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Trondogs

Pooh- I wish I could take away all visits and have DH bring me to counseling and him try to "persuede" me to let kids see her rather me having to "persuede" him to not have the kids around her.

You may be right. I wonder that if I went into the counselor's office and the kids weren't havy any contact with MIL if the counselor would advise me to start the visits up. I doubt it. I will ask her though :)  Or maybe switch therapists.

Pooh

I think that would be the thing to do!  I'm totally guessing but if the therapist did tell DH not to see her and DH was adamant about having the relationship, the therapist would have had to switch gears and try to figure out how to help the relationship.  You can tell someone what they are doing is wrong until your blue in the face, but at some point, you reach acceptance that they are going to do it anyway, so how can I help?

Don't be surprised either if the therapist does tell you to go to the visits and help.  You love your DH and want to be with him, so the therapist would probably see that to help your relationship with each other, you would need to be supportive of his decision.

I'm not saying DH is right, just trying to see where a therapist, who is hearing from DH that he wants this relationship would try to help facilitate it in a healthy way.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

jdtm

QuoteDH ignores her calls and texts and doesn't return a call or a text.

Sounds to me as if your husband is dealing with the situation as best he can.  As Dr. Phil says if there is a problem with any of the parents, it is the adult child of those parents (not the DIL or SIL) who needs to take command.  From what you have written, it appears as if your husband is doing his best.  After all, I suspect he loves his mother and is trying to best to please her, as well as you and his children.  That being said, Dr. Phil also says that if a husband has to choose between his parents and his wife/children, the smaller nuclear family must take precedence.  Sometimes the best solution is choosing from the better of two evils. 

Trondogs

Pooh- I think you're right. Thank you. I've been wondering why in the world a therapist would suggest building a realtionship with MIL and the kids. But it's only because she thinks there already is a realtionship. To be honest I don't think there is a big of a realtionship between MIL and kids and DH thinks, or as there once was (years ago, in the past) In the past 9 months kids have seen her once and talked to her on the phone 3 or 4 times. I suspect as my kids get older they will be less interested in visiting with "granny" just out of natural pre-teen behavior anyways. I think video games, hanging out with friends and tv will soon trump siting at gramma house for a visit. 

JDTM- I think husband knows the best way to deal with MIL is to pretend she doesn't exsist. Perhaps I need to learn to do the same as him!

Trondogs

Would it be inappropriate and uncalled for if I sent MIL a short email that said:

You'll see the kids at a public place for 2 hours around Christmas, Easter and around each one's birthday. When you see them if you mention them coming over, sleeping over or meeting you somewhere other than on those holiday's the visits will stop completely.

It's just that DH hasn't told her these things and the last time she saw them (a month ago) she was telling them how she'll see them in 2 weeks and that they can sleep over for the weekend etc etc. Setting them up for dissapointment when either DH or I tell them no. Or do you think this needs to come from DH?

Like I said earlier that the more you say she can't do things the more obsessed she becomes and the dramatics and unhealthy behavior starts all over again?

I just don't want her saying those things to the kids. I asked DH why he has a problem saying that to her and he said "i don't know, but that's why I'm going to going to see a therapist" BUT regardless these words need to be spoken and spoken before the next phone call or visit.

Doe

Tron-

Maybe it's time you had a talk with your kids about their GM.  They need to know that you are the boss of them, not her.  If she says they can do something, they need to know that they have to ask you if it's ok before they can count on it.  You can tell them that GM often promises things that she can't deliver and you don't want them to be disappointed.

I think it's ok to let your kids know that "We all love GM, but she's a little nutty at times" and therefore,  they need to check with you before making plans with her.  You don't have to spell it out, but I think it's ok to point out that GM has some problems and sometimes she isn't thinking straight.

Your email with that wording will probably set her off again but if you just tell your kids, don't listen to GM, that might handle the situation.


jdtm

QuoteWould it be inappropriate and uncalled for if I sent MIL a short email that said:

You'll see the kids at a public place for 2 hours around Christmas, Easter and around each one's birthday. When you see them if you mention them coming over, sleeping over or meeting you somewhere other than on those holiday's the visits will stop completely.

No comment - you already know the answer ...

Pooh

Are the kids telling you what GM said or DH?  I think if it's the kids saying it to you, then what Doe said would be the best way to handle it.  I think if it's DH telling you what she said, then DH needs to handle it.  I wouldn't send any email because she's already blaming you.  I think she'll just use that to say, "See, see how she is!"
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

luise.volta

I agree about the email. We are all learning not to try to deall with conflict that way. It often creates bigger problems. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Trondogs

My oldest son and other family members are telling me what MIL said. I see what you're saying about the email backfiring in my face, but she's already told me, DH, both sides of the family "see, see how she is" so at this point it's like who cares if I come off as a you know what anymore, at least MIL won't be telling the kids that she's gonna see them in 2 weeks when they sleep over. I'm not goint to send it but DH should...even though I seen it with her before; DH only sent it because his wife (me) made him.

luise.volta

My guess is that it will just make something awful, worse. You don't need that.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

pam1

Trondogs, if your oldest knows what she is saying about you -- she *is* actively abusing him.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Trondogs

The sheriff of the town in the state I used to live in just went to my parents house a courtesy to tell them I have a warrant in the new state. My parents house is the address on my license. I called an attorney and he said tomorrow, after the holiday he will be able to get all the info.

Let's see what MIL is doing now...

Trondogs

Now DH and I are re-instating, or sending a new no-contact order rather, from the state we are back in now. The old no-contact order was signed, notarized and sent from the old state.

DH said that he is done, he's had enough and this is coming to end for MIL now.

Lying to police is going to hold severe consequences for herself, not just legally but by her son as well. He is done with her now.

luise.volta

T - Please remember that he will need a lot of support in sticking to that because of their history. He might get added support in counseling. I honestly don't remember if he has tried that or not. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama