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DIL here, would like input from the other POV

Started by Trondogs, February 15, 2012, 07:51:36 AM

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Pooh

Welcome Tron.  When it came to the protection of my children growing up, I wouldn't have cared who it was that purposefully put them in danger....they go bye bye.  And yes, purposefully includes doing really stupid, common sense stuff.  You don't leave little children in a car unattended...period.  No excuses in my opinion.  I can take alot and people can do all kinds of stuff to me, but you don't mess with my children's safety.

I would be having a bigger issue with DH not seeing this than I would with MIL right now.  I know you are trying really hard to satisfy everyone and that's really hard sometimes.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Trondogs

Pam- I ordered that book on-line last night, it should ship in a few days.

Pooh- I think DH can't get on the same page with me right now because he is very dysfunctional. So for now, until he gets some good counseling, I am going to be the one to call the shots, nothing personal DH but for now I need to borrow "the pants" in this family. If my kids didn't have a strong bond with her already there would be a total complete 100% cutoff (there still may be if she can abide). Since they do I will allow a public get together around Xmas, Easter (we go to my parents state for thanksgiving) and each birthday for 2 hours. With me and DH so kids don't see the division of family. This though brings me to a question of presents.

Xmas, Easter and a birthday brings presents and an Easter basket. The kids have been given an Easter basket every year of their life from MIL, while I think that's strange, since the "bunny" is supposed to do it, THE PARENTS of the child, it has become something that the kids are accustomed to. Of course I could put and end to it, but I see it as more things for the kids to enjoy and have fun with. At any rate- I know it would be wise to not accept gifts from MIL, how would that work in this situation where MIL is only seeing the kids on 3 gift giving "days"?


Doe

Quote from: Trondogs on February 16, 2012, 02:25:08 PM
Xmas, Easter and a birthday brings presents and an Easter basket.

Why not make the get together at a time that's farther away from Easter?  Say, a couple of weeks after?  Let her know you have other plans for Easter this year but you can get together say, closer to the end of April.  The 5yo will likely forget it soon enough and you can just tell the 10yo that you're having a family celebration this year.  Just a suggestion, not telling you what to do..

Isn't the 10yo a little old for "Easter Bunny"?  My kids liked the candy but they were just as happy to get a lot more candy on sale the next day after Easter was over!  :P

Trondogs

I'm sure the 10 year old knows there's no Easter bunny but isn't saying anything for the 5 year old.

The "Easter" visit won't actually be on Easter and it probably will be a few weeks after like the "Xmas" visit was, but MIL will have an Easter basket for each kid. Should we change that since it will be an acceptance of gifts that was reccommended I stay away from?

Doe

Well, I'm not one of the "refuse gifts" people.   Maybe you could just have the Easter Bunny arrive on Easter and let the children know that the gifts that MIL gives are from MIL. 

By allowing her to act as EB all  these years, you've essentially given your approval and consent imo.  I think you need to decide what you want for yourself.  I think she sees your indecision and takes over, like an alpha dog.  If you have something in place that you believe  is right for your family, then there's no question that what she wants is secondary to that.  If you think it's more important for the kids to have the gifts from her, I'm sure she picks up on that.

Trondogs

I'm sorry, I wasn't clear. We've never had MIL play the Easter bunny. The reason I never really liked her giving the Easter basket on Easter (after the kids get their's at home from me and DH as the Easter Bunny) is because I think it could confuse the kids. In my family only the Easter Bunny got baskets for the kids :)

My questions is should I refuse gifts outside holidays?

Scoop

Trondogs - you can't accept gifts if you don't see her.  Your Dh has to leave the gifts behind when he leaves, or he has to stop at the Goodwill on the way home.

I hope you're not still entertaining the idea of your kids spending ANY time with her?

Trondogs

Hi Scoop- I like Louise's idea. The only reason I'm still entertaining the thought is because I get the idea out of my mind that a few times per year supervised with DH and I in public can't hurt and is enough to satisfy my kids.

A huge huge part of me is fighting with myself however because I really don't think MIL deserves to see kids and shouldn't but my kids don't deserve to be sad because MIL is a lunatic

luise.volta

I'd suggest you not get into what MIL deserves or doesn't. She is, IMHO, one sick gal. Focus on what will work for your little family. I know it's a fine line to walk between resentment and compassion. Turn in another direction...you an your own. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Scoop

Trondogs - you say that MIL is a lunatic.  Do you want your children to spend even a couple of hours with a LUNATIC?

Also, I think you should change how you think about it.  It's NOT you hurting the children by keeping them away from MIL.  It's MIL hurting them, because she can't (won't?) control herself better.

You know that you're not being spiteful, that if she was nicer, or if she was even able to be CIVIL for a couple of hours, you would not stand in the way of a relationship.

So let DH go see her a few times and if he says that she's apologized and is contrite, then YOU can try having a visit with her.  And if she can hold her tongue through a few visits, then you can TRY a visit with the kids.  But she's on notice.  Until then, I think it's okay to tell the kids that Gma is in "time out" for a while.

Pooh

My take on the gifts is that you just still let her buy at those holidays and give them to the children.  Here's where my head is on that.  I detested my horrible MIL, but my kids loved her.  They wanted to see her and if I had told her she couldn't buy them gifts, it wouldn't have hurt her, it would have hurt them.  They wouldn't have understood the logical side of it, they would have just seen it as the GM they loved didn't buy them anything any more.  Now, I'm reading it's only a few times a year, on special occasions.  It doesn't sound like she's being extravagant and sticking to the holiday theme?  I would take myself out of the equation and think what would be best for my children.  I'm saying this because of the fact that you are trying to keep the relationship with the children alive.  If you had cut her off, I would feel differently, but if you are going to foster the relationship between them (supervised visits), then I would have a very hard time saying no to something the children wouldn't understand.

By the way, the easter baskets?  My MIL did the same thing and I never understood it, but it was just something she did.  Doe, my Sons got Easter baskets until they moved out!  YS even got one last year, because he was in on leave and he was 20!  We still do stockings every year too! 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Trondogs

DH said that the visit a month ago she was doing nothing but coloring wit them, ate lunch, opened their xmas presents and being very "normal", civil, nice etc. for the 3 hours he was there.

She has never apologized and just a few months before we moved back, during one of her religion preaching phone calls to DH where she cries and rants and raves she said she still has never done anything wrong...

I don't want my kids spending time with a lunatic and I've expressed that to DH and my new therapist (who I've only seen once though) and they both feel like supervised visits are ok. Now they are making me feel that I am the "lunatic" or the one doing the wrong thing.


Pooh

You're definately not a lunatic Tron.  I would say the therapist is seeing your DH as wanting to have the relationship and wanting the children to have the relationship, so is advocating supervised visits.  If someone is going to do something, even if it's wrong, the best we can do is try to help them remain safe while they are doing it. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Trondogs

Pooh- The kids visited her about a month ago to get their Xmas gifts. Since then she has continued to call and text DH asking him, telling him, she wants to do crafts for valentines day, she has stuff for them for valentines day, can you bring them over for valentines day etc etc etc. I can see her douing the same for: grandparents day, st patricks day, united nations day, bring your child to work day etc etc hahaha. DH ignores her calls and texts and doesn't return a call or a text. So valentines day comes and goes. Although I have disagreed with DH in the past with him ignoring and avoiding her, he may be doing the right thing. With someone like her it seemed the more we spelled things out (rules, visit dates etc) the more she did the obsessing and caused problems and stress on us.