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should i talk to dd about concerns ?

Started by artlady, February 12, 2012, 04:48:00 PM

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artlady

Quote from: luise.volta on February 14, 2012, 08:43:52 AM
We have read here all too often about how a future SIL or DIL changed overnight after the wedding. What you see during the engagement is not necessarily what you get. It is our family, there is no doubt about that... and we can't abandon our AC. However, it is their lesson and their issue to resolve. If we step in, it creates the concept that they are still our dependents and we can still fix it. Being supportive, understanding and caring is not necessarily "stepping in." It can be more silently and lovingly there for them. Not an easy call and for most of us. It can be a new and possibly unwelcome skill we have to develop. We have always been involved since day-1. Now our job is done and we get to move on with out own lives and let our AC learn and grow on their own. Do we have to like it? No way. Sending love...
oh i agree it is just hard sometimes when you heart feels like is it going to come out of your chest. Dh and I both r retired and work part time so we r involved with lots of things , not surrounded around out kids , in their way and we live about 100 miles from the all in two directions ( his 2 DS and My DD)  Now we have 3 gs from 2years old - 2 weeks so we will be ok , just hope and pray the best for DD . I"ll see her tomorrow or thur , so it will get better bit by bit . Not that he will change but we will be ourselves and hope one day he can respect  us as her parents

luise.volta

A - It sounds like you have balance and fulfillment already in place. It has to be easier that way than it would be to have to start from scratch. Good for you. (I like to call retirement...redirection...since we "retire" at night into unconsciousness. ;D I know from personal experience how hard it is to look for and hope for growth in others. Beyond that, I think that respect is something some of us were born with and others of us never learn...or even fathom. Have a lovely Valentine's Day!!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

artlady

Quote from: luise.volta on February 14, 2012, 09:07:01 AM
A - It sounds like you have balance and fulfillment already in place. It has to be easier that way than it would be to have to start from scratch. Good for you. (I like to call retirement...redirection...since we "retire" at night into unconsciousness. ;D I know from personal experience how hard it is to look for and hope for growth in others. Beyond that, I think that respect is something some of us were born with and others of us never learn...or even fathom. Have a lovely Valentine's Day!!
Thanks and Happy Valentines Day to you too. I know it is hard when you come from the old school that no matter what to show respect and manners but now so much of all of that seems to be out the window with younger generations . I did raise  DD with those core values and now that is where I'm sure she is in a struggle as to keeping peace with him and knowing her inner self . So life goes on and so do our AC. 

artlady

I"ll go tomorrow to see DD and with a renewed outlook thanks to so many of you that have held my hand, protected my heart and given me a view from the outside in. Thanks so much and I'll update and you might have to hold my hand again for a bit . You are so awesome to help me during such a trying time , feels like we r in mourning almost .  (not quiet but close ). Love you all and HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

Doe

Quote from: artlady on February 14, 2012, 05:21:37 PM
feels like we r in mourning almost .  (not quiet but close ).

Consider your glass at least 1/2 full rather than 1/2 empty - you have a daughter who wants to spend time with you and access to a brand new grandchild!

luise.volta

I was just thinking the same thing, D. My eldest son died at 52 of a sleep apnea induced stroke twelve years ago. I would give anything if he was alive no matter what our relationship might have been by this time. Don't let self-pity take you down. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

artlady

Update , visited with DD yesterday , we had a great time although baby is still nursing all day and gassy, she is so patient and loving . We did make a break as she wanted to get out , she wanted a milkshake and some " bad food" ( as she calls it ) so we went to drive thru at Chick fil lae.  He was not too fussy but we did our best . She is so house bond ,so glad she could get out with Grammy riding back sit  LOL. Anyhow SIL did come home from lunch , asked her what was for lunch, she politely told him left overs ( she has no time to do one thing with baby hung to the breast all day, she has nicknamed herself Jersey) . I was surprised he actually spoke , came in and got into our conversations about twice , now when he left he really didn't say anything . But he still doesn't address me as grandma , or ask do i think baby has grown or anything such as that, but he did acknowledge this time  i was in the room rather than nothing as before . He is good to change moods like a chameleon so next time he might be back to the rude one who knows. Not sure if DD saw how he has been acting and said something to him ( which would be a good thing) or if he realizes his side of the family will not be too involved with him or his son, that we r the only ones that will be there for them always regardless of how many times you kick us in the teeth. So I came home better and not about to cry all the way . Thanks ladies for your support, guidance and holding my hand. Love ya

Doe

Quote from: artlady on February 16, 2012, 09:40:14 AM
he realizes his side of the family will not be too involved with him or his son, that we r the only ones that will be there for them always regardless of how many times you kick us in the teeth.

Yeah, you never really know what people are struggling with internally.  I like that quote by Pliny, "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle."  Even the cheerful people often have challenges that they don't share.   Glad you had a good visit with your DD and GB.

artlady

Me too and just pray that things will get back to the kind of normal but not perfect way it was .  We are not going to rock the boat or intrude so hopefully he will see our love and support as a plus and not a threat as time goes by.

FAFE

Artlady, next time you see that baby, get some neck sugar for me.

artlady

Oh I will , he has now gained back the 9 ounces he lost plus 2 so he is starting to grow. He is so cute but bless his little heart he is a bit gassy and fussy but not because his mom isn't feeding him all  the time .  She said the ped told her the first month she would feel like a big boob and she said she does.  Thanks again so much for listening

artlady

Well we went to see the counselor again to help us get through this hard and strange time with the SIL 's issues.  I feel better and look forward to hearing her take on "expectations " next time, I'm not sure Dh is going again as he is pretty " done " with the whole issue as we don't need to paying for this nor do we need counseling for any problems ( not yet   LOL ). She confirmed we don't have to like his behavior, it won't change and we will just have to learn how not to take it personally. She feels his "prickly , moody ' behavior and changing behavior will continue so just take his lead when we are around him ex if he is friendly , then be that to him , if he is not talking then don't engage or try to get him to talk or he will backoff more. When he whines to DD that no one is talking to him or avoiding him , tell her that you are not avoiding etc just taking his lead so not to get in his space. She wanted to know about his relationships with his family we hit on a few things but didn't need to tell her it all ( would take up too much time ). WE know from the family situations that his whole family from immediate to aunts uncles cousins is very disjointed. He only had 4 at the wedding and that included his dad , stepmom, dad's brother and brother ( who he didn't want in the wedding so put him as usher vs groomsmen). His mother's mom and sisters didnt rsvp , yet to give a gift and the rest of his family from both sides did the same that was about 35 invites . So I dint' think he has ever known what family is and so many including the counselor said it is so said he now has the chance to be part of a family but at 35 i think he just is so use to being a loner from family that is how he wants it and likes it . Now he has his own little unit so he doesn't need anyone else. Counselor asked DH if DD was like me " outgoing , loving and always happy"  he said yes .  So we hope she doesn't lose that. She agrees in this situation she needs to not quit her job as too many things can happen and with his personality of control she would be in a really bad position if she wanted to ever go back to work and get back in the market plus he would not want her to do so once he has that control.  So I do feel better between all the love, hugs and encouragement from all of you and the one on one with the counselor so I see the light at the end of the tunnel for DH and me so I know now I will just have to love my DH and GS as much as I can, just hope the SIL will at least just show us respect as being her parents and grandparents at some point . Love to you all

justus

AL, I feel for you. When SD had GD, all of her issues, and there are many, came out in some pretty bad ways. I won't go into all of it, but it would have been devastating if I had let it be. SD refused to bring GD to our home, because it was dirty. The reason was really because of loyalty issues with her M. It was only after taking GD to the homes of her friends that were dangerous (holes in floors, people smoking pot) that she came to her senses and brought her here. There isn't a picture of me and GD until GD was 6 months old even though I saw her at least once a week. There were lots of pictures with people who saw her only once her life, but none of me. There weren't even pictures of DH and GD until GD was over a month old and only then, because I mentioned it to SIL. All of this because of SD's loyalty issues. I could go on and on about this.

It was really uncomfortable. We had done so much for SD, and it seemed like we could never do enough. Honestly, it still seems that way 5 years later. But, we kept our focus on what was best for GD and that was us supporting SD and SIL as parents. We gave them unconditional support even though we were often biting our tongues bloody. It paid off as SD's M showed her behind over and over again. I know that a lot of SD's issues were hormonal and systemic. They had nothing to do with me, but it was really hard not to take it personally. The fact that I was THE GM, before they moved across the country was the result. We saw them at Christmas after a year and a half of not seeing them and I was still THE GM. GD totally adores me and SD is very comfortable with that. SD knows that I will back her up every single time, she knows that I adore GD and will always do what is best for her. She trusts me.

Your job as a GM is doing what is best for your GD and that is supporting your DD and SIL as parents unconditionally. Whatever other issues your SIL has, this will win him over. Love them all unconditionally. That doesn't mean you should be doormats or scapegoats. Don't tolerate rude behavior. He may not even understand what he is doing and how it comes off. But, be forgiving. You have a lot to lose and much more to gain. If he is a total jerk and your DD is in a bad relationship, just be there for her. Don't judge him or complain about him. Do normalize things if she does complain about him, but don't hold grudges for her.

We are lucky in that SIL is a great guy. He got the short end of the stick with SD. If he were my son, I don't think I could keep my mouth shut and if they lived around here and I saw them more, SD would get an earful about how awful she treats him. Even so, if he puts up with it, there is nothing anyone else can do. About all you can do is be a safe, nonjudgemental place for your DD. I wish my M had done that for me when I was with my xH. If I didn't feel like I had to defend him and my choice to be with him, I might have left him a lot earlier. But rather than being able to deal with my own emotions about him, I was stuck making everything OK for my M. She would get upset for me, and emote for me, so I was able to avoid dealing with my own emotions and the really bad marriage I was in by putting all of my energy into dealing with my M and her feelings along with caring for my children and all of the other distractions I had at the time. She made my bad marriage all about her. I didn't realize at the time how incredibly selfish that was.

artlady

Oh I know and thanks for your encouragement. I needed it today because at work my insides felt like mush, on the verge of crying . To know the whole story you need to scroll down and read  controlling SIL to really get a full story and on adult children read the one about dd being isolated , I'm just worried sick about her . It makes me wonder what and where is that out going, fun relaxed dd of mine gone. I know she has no idea how being with him has changed her personality of which has caused conflicts with some of life long friends, I just hope some will hang in there and keep in touch with her if she quits her job as he wants her to do , she will need the social contact. thanks

artlady

Well things are still the same and last week I had too much to do here to go plus riding up and back in one day is hard on my small nerve fiber neuropathy, the burn is too much .  Baby still fussy, gassy and not sleeping good like she was hoping, he will be 6 weeks old Monday. I had thought I would spend the night and that was fine with her but I think the hubby doesn't want anyone around to see his shortcomings as this is way out of his comfort zone right now , a fussy baby.  So she thought since baby is still fussy etc maybe just come for the day, I just would have been on fire and time wise not good on day she thougth baby was good. I"m doing what others have said a little tough love, as not to be reduced to texts and emails. From things in past and now , things he has said earlier we are almost sure he reads her text and emails so I don't want to say much for him to have any ammo to use . I'm still thinking I need to take advice from here and get her a pre paid phone since her plan is not free until after 7 and weekends , hubby is paying bills now so she doens't want him to fuss at her for going over as she did befoer the baby , talking to me on her way home from work. I"m feeling better and just hope she is doing good with it all . We will all get through and know that he will be this way as he has been this way all of his life it appears to us now.