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should i talk to dd about concerns ?

Started by artlady, February 12, 2012, 04:48:00 pm

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Pooh

I'm with LL on this, if I am understanding correctly?  DD is texting/calling you constantly wanting your help?  Or just texting/calling with general statements?  If my DD was asking for my help, I honestly wouldn't worry about what SIL thought about it...that's between him and her.  I'd go and when he came in at lunch, I would smile and let him have time with her and the baby, busying myself with something else.  If she's just asking "You ok." and stuff, then I would just answer her with, "Yes, we are good.  I love you."

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

artlady

Quote from: Pooh on February 13, 2012, 08:08:34 am
I'm with LL on this, if I am understanding correctly?  DD is texting/calling you constantly wanting your help?  Or just texting/calling with general statements?  If my DD was asking for my help, I honestly wouldn't worry about what SIL thought about it...that's between him and her.  I'd go and when he came in at lunch, I would smile and let him have time with her and the baby, busying myself with something else.  If she's just asking "You ok." and stuff, then I would just answer her with, "Yes, we are good.  I love you."
She thought i would come back up the next day or so after they got home , that was before the birth but she never did say when after wards as I know she was not able to do so with him as he is, she told me she was so tired and didn't' know it was so tough , so she needed help but he doesn't want help, that is the read I get but then she wanted to know which day the next week or days i was coming , and i did go up and I'll go back this week but i go and come as not to rock the boat . They live about 75 miles away. Oh if she said i need you please  come I'd be right there but i don't' think she has the choice , they wanted two weeks before company etc t get on schedule , but not for me or my dh she said, He was going to take two weeks off but then after being home with a fussy, gassy baby for 5 days he leaves her goes back to work and she can't drive for another week at that point. I really hated she was alone except he came home from lunch , nursing none stop to quiet the baby , so was tired and so drained.   I"m better and I"ll do what i have to not to make a problem for them
, it is just us trying to deal with the hurt that is so hard.  This is not the way we thought it would be , or hoped for . We will learn to cherish the times we have and be thankful for all we do have . Time will get us through with prayers and support of others. Thanks

luise.volta

"This is not the way we thought it would be, or hoped for."

To me, that is always at the core of my deepest upsets. I don't want things to be the way they are. I want my reasonable expectations to be met. That's not necessarily the way it works. I really dislike getting they are my expectations and others have no obligation whatsoever to fulfill them. I was brought up to do my best to fulfill my parent's expectations. Now, it seems, that was in the "olden days." We have encouraged our offspring to be more individualized and sometimes it comes back to bite us. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

artlady

Quote from: luise.volta on February 13, 2012, 11:05:39 am
"This is not the way we thought it would be, or hoped for."

To me, that is always at the core of my deepest upsets. I don't want things to be the way they are. I want my reasonable expectations to be met. That's not necessarily the way it works. I really dislike getting they are my expectations and others have no obligation whatsoever to fulfill them. I was brought up to do my best to fulfill my parent's expectations. Now, it seems, that was in the "olden days." We have encouraged our offspring to be more individualized and sometimes it comes back to bite us. Sending love...
Oh I know and since i was a widow at 32, she was 2 think she became independent early . She is a psychology major so she sees things , very aware , so I feel she sees it and when she wants or not to address if and if not that is fine . I do think we raised this generation differently although i did try to keep to the chore values that i was taught , and wow now raising kids is even more or a challenge. I"m retired teacher of 30 years and now teaching part time at a private school . So I"ve seen the change in kids for the past 30 years but i think the last generation said the very same.  lol

Pooh

I am reading that you are saying DD doesn't have a choice.  I believe everyone has a choice.  It may be harder to make for some than others, but they have it.   He may not want help but it sounds like she is the one that needs it since he chose to go on back to work.  I truly think you are getting caught in the mdidle of this.  I think DD would like to have you around more and he is wanting more left-alone time.  It's sad that it's you caught in the middle of something that they need to work out between them.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

artlady

Quote from: Pooh on February 13, 2012, 12:46:11 pm
I am reading that you are saying DD doesn't have a choice.  I believe everyone has a choice.  It may be harder to make for some than others, but they have it.   He may not want help but it sounds like she is the one that needs it since he chose to go on back to work.  I truly think you are getting caught in the middle of this.  I think DD would like to have you around more and he is wanting more left-alone time.  It's sad that it's you caught in the middle of something that they need to work out between them.
Thanks Pooh I think she wants it too but doesn't want to rock his boat plus she just had a baby, trying to nurse and this is all new to her . This is a special time between mother and daughter even if we just talk on the phone but we aer very close and I know when my daughter misses her "mama"  , she just needs to be reassured and hugged that is will all work out . The baby has been fussy, so it has been hard for her . He is so structured , more of a loner so it is fine to confine her and now he has his chance . I"m just praying she doesn't give up her job, it is a good one and pays good but he has her convinced it isn't but poor thing has to give so much to him a month she is broke all the time as I've had to give her money to fix her car , for gas etc. He makes excellent money  2X as much as her, but he still wants her to pay half of things. Thanks I do feel like I'm in the middle and I was reading the muzzle post from past , that is how i feel when around him so that hit home also. Thanks again



lancaster lady

You did say they are married ?
Sounds to me as if they are still leading separate lives .
If she has to donate her salary to household bills , surely her car should be included .
HHhmmm , seems like there is a lot to sort out in this relationship .
Perhaps her need for her mom's help goes deeper than a new baby .
She sounds like an intelligent woman and after she gets over  her post natal period , she might
want to change a few things in her household .
I now understand your concern .

Doe

I read that, too, LL  but he also wants her to stay at home with the baby, at least I think that's what I understand.
If Artlady feels like she is in the middle, I think the best thing to do would be to get out of the middle ASAP.  Maybe SIL doesn't like having his MIL in the middle?

lancaster lady

I agree , buy hard to not see your Dd after having a baby and coping on her own .
Also unfair of him not to expect his MIL to come and help .

If it were me , I would ask my DD what she wants me to do .
Come and help or stay away , although the DD in this is not aware that her DM
has any concerns .

Doe

I thought DD wanted her mom, and SIL was just giving the cold shoulder, where Artlady wants more warmth.    I missed where SIL said Artlady can't come to visit.
Maybe DD and SIL are happy together?  Maybe I missed it but I thought he was just cold toward the in-laws.

lancaster lady


Quote from Artlady :

' His tone , words and body language are loud and clear he doesn't want us there  and of course we don't 'talk on the phone
when he is home' .

It must be uncomfortable to be there when he is displaying this behaviour .

Pooh

I don't think I read where she said that she was told she couldn't come visit, but I think from the treatment she is receiving from him, the cold shoulder, not wanting help...etc., it would be hard not to feel like he didn't want her around, and from the texts/calls from DD, it's obvious that DD does want more, IMO.  I think that's where she's getting caught in the middle.  I don't think she's putting herself there, I think DD is...maybe not intentionally. 

I think hearing this story, I may have just decided I'm luckier having the DIL that doesn't want me around and a DS that for whatever reason, decided to go with that decision.  If he was calling me and asking for help or wanting me around and I was still receiving the bad treatment from DIL, I don't know what I'd do.  To tell DS it was his problem and I couldn't be around him almost sounds like I would be making him choose, which I wouldn't want to do.  I also wouldn't want to alienate an AC that was trying to keep the relationship.  What a dilemma.

Ok, now with more of the story about him wanting her to pay half of the bills and she had to get money from you?  Umm....something is very off about their relationship from what I'm reading.  It doesn't sound like they are on the same page about anything and she is bending to his wishes? 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

artlady

Quote from: Pooh on February 14, 2012, 07:54:39 am
I don't think I read where she said that she was told she couldn't come visit, but I think from the treatment she is receiving from him, the cold shoulder, not wanting help...etc., it would be hard not to feel like he didn't want her around, and from the texts/calls from DD, it's obvious that DD does want more, IMO.  I think that's where she's getting caught in the middle.  I don't think she's putting herself there, I think DD is...maybe not intentionally. 

I think hearing this story, I may have just decided I'm luckier having the DIL that doesn't want me around and a DS that for whatever reason, decided to go with that decision.  If he was calling me and asking for help or wanting me around and I was still receiving the bad treatment from DIL, I don't know what I'd do.  To tell DS it was his problem and I couldn't be around him almost sounds like I would be making him choose, which I wouldn't want to do.  I also wouldn't want to alienate an AC that was trying to keep the relationship.  What a dilemma.

Ok, now with more of the story about him wanting her to pay half of the bills and she had to get money from you?  Umm....something is very off about their relationship from what I'm reading.  It doesn't sound like they are on the same page about anything and she is bending to his wishes?
Yes it is hard to be there when you can feel the mood of a person that doesn't want you there . I really think he is jealous of her having a mother and caring family since his is so strange . To clue you in his dad and stepdad didn't even give a wedding present, nor did grandmother and aunt( his mom's side) , his dd and sm didn[t even pay for what they were suppose to we picked up the tab afterwards ( of which our savings took a hit. He has yet to thank us for anything we have done , we are the only ones that will be there for this grandbaby as stmom has grandkids of her own so this one is not important to her . Yes I fear that this pretty out going 31 year old is going to be controlled before it is all said and done by this controlling 35 year old. He has baggage that needs to addressed. Such he doesn';t know what his dad did with his moms 'ashes ( from memorial 11 years ago), he won't ask unless dd is with him so fa4 not, he doesn't have contact with his family , won't return calls many times , avoids seeing them if he can . I think the fair thing is to share bills using a percentage of the two incomes to each other. She feels it is her responsibility to pay half or whatever because he is the one that is paying for big ticket items like new roof, outside painting , solar heat pump etc etc.  He is working on the brain wash hard and even decides and checks wedding / baby registry , she got to pick a few things but he would research for which or what one was the best. So he is a control /manipulative person .   He had us fooled so good , the one before the wedding is gone forever and doesn't look like he will ever return . It is a bad bad place to be when we have our arms open to do whatever we need to , to make our family work.

pam1

artlady, I still don't have a good grasp on the situation so forgive me if this has already been addressed...but how do you know about his relationship with his family?  Does he speak to you about it?

Also, I have a hard time with saying some of this is controlling.  Usually one person in the relationship takes ownership for certain things, perhaps he is the researcher and buyer.  I do that in our household and IMO, I'm not controlling lol.  It has to be done so I do it.  Dh is fine with it and actually likes that I like to do it so we're fine there.

Is your DD unhappy with their set up?  Or is this your impression that she is unhappy? 

I'm sorry, I know I'm missing something here but I'm just not seeing it.  However they work out their finances is between them, I guess I find it interesting that you even know some of these more intimate things in someone elses marriage. 

Is your DD speaking to you about this?  And is she upset or is she just chit chatting?  I can't tell what is just upsetting to you and/or what is an actual problem for you DD.  It almost seems from the way I am reading it is that you're upset but not necessarily your DD?

People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

luise.volta

We have read here all too often about how a future SIL or DIL changed overnight after the wedding. What you see during the engagement is not necessarily what you get. It is our family, there is no doubt about that... and we can't abandon our AC. However, it is their lesson and their issue to resolve. If we step in, it creates the concept that they are still our dependents and we can still fix it. Being supportive, understanding and caring is not necessarily "stepping in." It can be more silently and lovingly there for them. Not an easy call and for most of us. It can be a new and possibly unwelcome skill we have to develop. We have always been involved since day-1. Now our job is done and we get to move on with out own lives and let our AC learn and grow on their own. Do we have to like it? No way. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama