March 28, 2024, 04:27:02 PM

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


DIL jealous of MIL relationship with SIL

Started by Mamiof2, February 08, 2012, 08:50:51 AM

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Mamiof2

Also Louise, you are right, DH is changing and is no longer that person he used to be. He is still making progress. I am trying to get him to be more responsible and more considerate for example, if someone calls you return the call. He didn't even call his mom to wish her a happy new year. My MIL told me i'm the only one who called her. Her DD , DS, or son-in-law didn't call her. These are things i am trying to show him. As you can see neither him nor his sister were taught this sense of consideration/responsibility. My parents called DH for his bday and left him a message and he never returned the call to thank them for the birthday wishes. But he has changed for the better and is still changing :)
Thank you for your kind words.

Mamiof2

Pooh, since I've met the family it has been this way and from what I can see and have heard there is an obvious difference which there shouldn't be between child siblings. My DH always told me the last time his mom cut him a cake was for his 9th birthday. For him to bring this up or even remember that means that it hurt him. Again, this one example.

luise.volta

Some people don't feel that way about birthdays. My "ex" didn't because he got beat up at his own birthday party by some boys who thought "spanking" him was fun...and he never got over it. For me, growing up in the worst of the depression, it was the only day anyone made a fuss over me. LOL! My son, Kirk, comes over from Hawaii for my birthday and stays a month - I  sure brought him up right! :-))
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pooh

What about your DH's personality?  Is he a more affectionate or standoffish personality than your DD?  Sorry, you don't have to answer these things unless you want.  I have two sons.  One was always an affectionate child, wanting to cuddle and hug on you, and the other more a hands off personality that liked being alone reading books.  The affectionate one always wanted to be around you, helping and doing things and the older would rather read, or sit and do a science project.  I often wonder if now they look back and think that I spent more time and affection on the younger one.  Which I did because he liked it.  We have learned here, that children often have a different perception as adults of what the actual reality of their childhoods were. Not all of them, just sometimes. 

I remember when they were teenagers, I'm talking like 16 and 15, I was making pancakes.  I made my 15 year olds in the shape of a dinosaur because he loved them like that when he was younger, just to be funny.  My older looked at his normal round ones and said, "How come he got animals?"  I just kind of laughed because he didn't remember telling me when he was about 7, that he was too old for animal shaped pancakes and wanted his round from now on.  I told him from now on, he would get animals.  The younger one would still laugh today if I made him dinosaurs.  Just different personalities.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Mamiof2

Sassy, I forgot to mention that not because my MIL has 8 pictures of her DD that she must have 8 pictures of her DS as well. But as a mother there are some things that I wouldn't do so not to give one child the feeling that I prefer one over the other. These are childhood pictures and special occasion pictures i.e wedding, graduation, sweet 16 etc. Both children celebrated weddings and graduations why not put both pictures for both kids. A sweet 16 on the other hand is just celebrated by a daughter so that is understandable. but a wedding picture or a graduation picture?
Let me give you another example DH and i gave MIL two pictures of my son. One of my son with her DD and the other of just my son. Would you believe that the one of my son and her DD she put on the fridge and the other photo of my son alone she put away in her drawer.

luise.volta

My take: Her choice. Her house. She gets to be the way she is.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Doe

Hi Mamiof2-

I got a little confused reading all the detail but I do wonder this.

I think you don't like her personally but you really want a MIL/DIL relationship.  Is that right?  If she changed overnight and started loving on you and DH like you want, do you really like her as a person?

I think I'm getting that you have an ideal MIL in mind and she's not it - is that right?

Mamiof2

Pooh, DH is affectionate with me but not with anyone else. He won't even sit and tell him if anything is wrong. He keeps things bottled in. Only a select few have really seen him upset because to the world he is always smiling and always happy. But when he is upset he blows up because he keeps things bottled in for so long. Ive never heard him telling his mom love you, or hugging her. or saying sorry for something.
I agree with you, I don't think the pancake situation is showing favoritism. Its a funny story :) thanks for sharing.

Mamiof2

Hi Doe,
Over time I've sort of given up on her. I loved her so much, maybe too much. I found myself doing things for her that I've never done for my own parents.
To answer your question, if she changed overnight and started loving us like i want, I'd probably take her in with open arms. But sooner or later it will be too late and maybe I wont let these things bother me. Like everyone has told me I cannot change her so my hope is to move on and not let this bother me anymore :)

How could you think that I don't like her? What made you think that? I think I like her too much.

Mamiof2

You are right louise and thats why I choose to keep my distance.

Pooh

I appreciate you taking the time to share and answer.  I am sorry that you seem to be trying so hard and don't feel like she is trying.  It's always very nice to see DILs wanting to have a relationship with their MIL.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Sassy

Oh my I have to run.  But thank you M for answering so honestly, thoughtfully and carefully.  I understand much better now.  You seem like a really warm DIL and mom.   I understand what you are going through.  It stinks!  I will take in what you said.  But I wanted to write back and say I am so glad you came here and shared your story.  I think you will be a beautiful fit for this group of ladies and through the very unique love you'll find here, and your thoughtfulness, honesty, self-reflection and your good heart, I believe you will continue to grow and begin to heal.  Things are looking good for you my new friend.

I will think about this and hopefully have time to be back in my favorite place again tomorrow.  Love, Sassy

Mamiof2

Sassy, Thanks so much for your kind words. You ladies have made me feel so welcomed. I've been stuck to the computer all day responding and reading stories on this forum. I am so behind today and am only now getting to cooking dinner hahaha. Hopefully we will speak tomorrow. Good day everyone!

pam1

Mamiof2, welcome :)

I really like what all the other ladies had to say.  They made a lot of sense and it's stuff I can use in my own sitch too.

It's pretty similar here, DHs upbringing/household was female dominated and they still act this way today.  The SILs and MIL wants have come before DHs (and FIL/BILs) needs at times.  Their opinions and comfort levels are typically ignored.  They are brushed off as "boys will be boys" the girls are smarter therefore know better and know what the family should be doing.

In a way I see it so much more distinctly than DH b/c I did not grow up like this and then I am bothered more about it than him at times.  He is used to it and has a tougher skin to it however it still doesn't stop me for hurting for him.  I'm still in the process of trying to detach. 

There are a couple of things that help.  We expect nothing from them.  Nothing.  We do not look to them for any kind of support, to save ourselves the hurt.  We make our own family, which includes us and friends who can be relied on to be that type of support and we can give back too. 




People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Mamiof2

Hi Pam, thank you for your input. I too am in the process of detaching myself. My SIL has recently stopped speaking to me because my DH is very upset with his mother for not picking up or returning our calls when we really needed her. And because I am sort of in the middle of everything she has totally stopped speaking to me. I miss her because we were beginning to get really close but theres nothing I can do. I have learned not to expect anything from them and not to ask for any favors. I am even trying to go as far as not accepting any favors from my MIL. I am purely keeping my distance and letting myself get used to not speaking to them. It feels like I lost two friends and like any other relationship we lose we must take time to mourn/move on. So thats where I am now.