Some common threads in our stories/histories

[Karina53]

Dear Wise Woman,
I am new here, or fairly new, and have been reading your situations. I am so happy to have found this forum. A few things have stood out to me, perhaps because I myself have also gone through what many of you have in your FOO's. What I'm seeing is that a great number of us had abusive and/or neglectful parents while we were growing up. We decided that we would never raise our own children the way we were raised. As for myself, my DD died when I was a small child. My mom was left with 2 young D's--me and my sister G. Our mom was depressed, and after a year she met 2nd H, J. G and I really disliked him--very authoritarian and abusive. We begged her not to marry him, but she did. I hated him. We had many clashes. He would beat me and demean me. My mother tuned out what was going on. And acted like he was normal and loving. G and I relied on one another alot. Our mom had 4 more C's, and mostly we took care of them, esp. during the summer when school was out. I took care of the C's mainly, while G waited on our M. Due to all this dysfunction, G had very inappropriate demands of me, while growing up and as grownups. After many years of counselling, I had a counsellor tell me that it sounded like G has narcisistic personality disorder. I constantly tried to please G, to give her what she wanted, etc. It was never right, or never enough. She raged out at me anytime she could, and also would demand that I meet with her in a room, or place, where no one else was, so that she could again verbally abuse me!! Most of my FOO don't admit that she has a problem, they look past her behavior to me. They think I should try to get along with her! Which is totally impossible. I finally had to go no contact with her. Being raised with the abuse that I knew, and having a narcisisstic sister set me up to want to please people and not have appropriate boundaries. I think I would have been firmer with my D's growing up, more consequences, and not let them get away with some things. I just knew I wouldn;t raise them how I was raised. I wasn't allowed to have friends over growing up. So I was like the neighborhood mom, which I loved. I vicariously experienced some normalcy. I listened to their problems, tried to be open and understanding, etc. I think many of us have put up with stuff from our kids that we shouldn't have, or tried too hard to be their friends, and be overly understanding of everything. They sometimes see that as a weakness, and resent us. And they resent us at times when we think we are helping them, thinking that we may see them as unable. We want to fill ourselves by helping them, but it doesn't work. I'm finally understanding all the implications of this. I no longer want their dramas to affect me so much. They're adults now, and must stand on their own. I no longer want to rescue either of them. I am deep into being me and all that entails. I love what Luise said, that we were individuals before we had kids, and now we get to be individuals again. I think parenting is so intense, that after 25 years of it, it's hard to shift gears. But we must, and we must continue to grow. My DH and I aren't even quite sure how to be a couple, and are rediscovering how. A friend of mine recently moved back to town after living in LA for 12 years where her 4 AC's now live. She says she now realizes how much we depend on our children (she means to give our lives meaning), and enjoys not being in the middle of their dramas. She has given me great insight. I feel that a new chapter in my life has opened up. It's hard, but also thrilling and exciting.

[Pooh]

Welcome Karina.  I think you are right, we all try to be better or different parents than we had.  I am one that had wonderful parents.  No problems, no abuse from them.  But my Mother was so busy between work, Church, and taking care of my sick GPs, that she really didn't have time for me.  She didn't have time to come watch me play sports, school plays, etc.  I resented it until I got older and realized what all she was going through and how hard her life was, and finally realized that even if she didn't stay and watch, she was dropping me off and picking me up.  I was bound and determined when I had kids to be there for events in their lives and I was.  Now I have one that loves me to death and one that doesn't speak to me.  Go figure.

I'm glad you found us and really glad you can see that you don't need all the drama.  It's wonderful to realize that we deserve better.

[luise.volta]

Very insightful and positive post. I found it inspiring. Sending love...

[Doe]

I am deep into being me and all that entails.

Print a tee shirt with this slogan and I'll buy one.  Love it!

[luise.volta]

Me, too! 

[themuffin]

Ditto!!! I found your post very insightful as well!!!   I want to be deep into being me and all that it entails!!!  I have sooo many things to keep me busy that I truly enjoy!! Seems that we've been parents all of our lives.  DH and I can't wait for the remaining two to leave the nest.  We've never lived alone. We fantasize about having a empty house with just the two of us.  How nice would it be not to worry about anyone but ourselves for a change?

My youngest son is having his 21st birthday on the 22nd of this month.  I asked a co-worker what his mother gave him on his 21st birthday and he said, "Luggage."  LOL  Now that's a wise woman!!!

[Pooh]

Ha Ha Ha!

[Pen]

Wow, I just realized why my DS looked at me funny after he received luggage from us for his 18th birthday! Honestly, I wasn't hinting that he should move out...but he did shortly thereafter.

[themuffin]

Awww Pen, I'd bet he was going to move out anyway.

A part of me wishes it was as simple as that.  I'd buy two sets of luggage right now! Just kidding.....I think...

I've got a sinking feeling that it will be a long time before anyone packs any luggage at my house.  YDS is currently unemployed again.  And MS has made it perfectly clear that he has no plans to leave anytime soon.

[Kate]

Thank you for your post Karina.  It helped me.  Good luck!

[luise.volta]

I let both of my sons know that when they left home, they couldn't return except when invited to visit. I was raised that way and it made sense to me. If parents are to accept their AC declaration of independence...to me it didn't follow that it was temporary. They have done the same thing with my grandsons...who are now in their forties and highly successful, and now my great granddaughter has been given the same options. I also made it clear that the only reason we would house and support them beyond high school would be if they wanted to live at home when they went to college. The eldest joined the Marines (Viet Nam) at 18 where learned computers inside and out. He was very successful in that field after he got out. My younger son went to seminary and became an ordained minister. He worked while in school and we helped...as did his dad, my "ex." What made sense to us may not make sense to others but it worked for us. We also never gave them money...only loans that had to be paid in full...if they ever wanted to borrow again. That worked, as well.

[shorewil]

My Mom always told me "Don't ever loan money  that you can't afford to give ." I live by that rule - when I have loaned  my kids any money , there is always a contract, interest and re-payment  schedule. It's worked so far. My husband tells a story of how he "loaned "his DS money  and she literally sent him change, when  she could afford it - he forgave the loan and just ended up giving it to her- but tells the story to this day about how she promised to pay him and never did.

[luise.volta]

My son says he really didn't like it that I was so hard on him regarding money and his word...he also has thanked me for the same thing. Some times when we are seen as bad guys, we are transformed into good guys later on.   

[firelight]

welcome Karina53.  I totally enjoyed reading your post and also found it inspiring.....it's great food for thought and I know will be helpful to other WW!  thank you.

[firelight]

darn it!  I've a ways to go yet on the  money issue......still a work in progress.....I just gave my DD $20 today.....I could kick myself...thing is, she didn't even ask for it....why do I do that???   Gonna have to post myself a note......"I am deep into being me and all that it entails....."  Yes!