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A long sad saga

Started by constantmargaret, February 05, 2012, 08:41:39 PM

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constantmargaret

 I found you all here when I typed My Son Hates Me into the Google search bar. I have been lurking here for a while, reading all your stories of heartache. I have one too.

A little background. In 1998, I discovered from a midnight phone call that my then husband had been having an affair for the past 10 years. We had 6 kids from age 3 to age 15, at least 4 of which were conceived during this period. Needless to say, I was shocked and devastated. I never had a clue. Fourteen years of marriage ended in that moment, my husband leaving the house with two Hefty bags and one black eye.

From that moment, as I struggled to work and support my children, my bitter XH has done everything imaginable to alienate my children from me and to evade his financial responsibilities for his children. At times he succeeded. Today, as things stand, my five older children and I are all on good terms, although that was not always the case. The latter parts of their teen years were tough, and most of them seemed to need some sort of major blowup in order to separate from me. Now that they have separated and become adults, they have come back to warm relations with me and my new husband. My oldest son recently said, "I was such a jerk then that if I were standing next to myself when I was 16 I would slap myself."

I am writing today because of my youngest son. He is now 17. About a year ago, he decided to go live with his father when my husband and I objected to him smoking in his bedroom. (I don't mean cigarettes either) He was mad at me and refused to speak to me for a few weeks after moving a mile down the street to his father's, but eventually got over it, although he didn't come back to live here. I suspect he gets away with more at dad's.

We recently had another falling out. Or rather, he sent a letter to my facebook mailbox that was beyond nasty, swearing, calling me names, enumerating my faults, laziness and greed. What precipitated it was a court hearing for a modification of child support my XH requested after being threatened by Child Support Services with revocation of license for being sixteen thousand dollars in arrears. At the hearing my XH asked that child support be waived retroactive to the date my son had gone to live with him 8 months prior.  Mind you, there was absolutely nothing preventing him from requesting this hearing the minute he let our son move in, but he decided to procrastinate in typical fashion while child support payments accumulated....The judge said that by law she could not order that unless I agreed to it. I said no. 

I personally I feel that this man will never even scratch the surface of being able to repay me for what he did to my life. Neither financially nor emotionally. If I think about all the things I might have chosen had I not been in that marriage having all those babies with him, I want to scream. If I went into all the things he has done over the past 14 years to try to destroy my spirit I would never stop typing. He hasn't succeeded, but he still tries. Saying no in court that day was my way of saying no to what he did to my life.

My X apparently went home and told his sob story to our son, complete with exaggerations, embellishments and outright falsehoods. My DS in his smoky distorted haze, decided to become his poor father's avenger. Hence, the letter.  His father is the hero, the victim, the taken advantage of, the overworked and downtrodden and I am now officially the gold digging whore and spawn of Satan. I was stunned by his letter, but I know that my DS is just regurgitating what he has been fed. I am not surprised at my XH's tactics.

I never responded to his venomous letter, although at times (like today) I am sorely tempted to. There has been no contact between us at all now in over a month. I see his news feed on FB, primarily using angry foul language and promoting the legalization of marijuana, that's about it. I have mixed feelings about even doing that but I can't bring myself to hide him completely. This way at least I get some news and hold onto the fact that he didn't unfriend me....I'm that pathetic.

Since our estrangement in December, his grandfather died, his grandmother turned 80, I turned 50, his siblings have visited from Arizona, his sister experienced a miscarriage, we had a family Christmas Variety Show and other family gatherings and because of his arrogance and stupidity (and I suspect his other hobby), he has missed out on all these family experiences, the happy and the sad. This year is his senior year in high school and I'm already thinking about his final Band Concert, his Graduation, (if he manages to take care of all his incompletes.....) his brother's upcoming wedding...and all that he will miss, and all that I will miss, and my heart aches. People ask me what he's doing after graduation and rather than say I don't know because he hates me, I say I don't think he's really made up his mind yet. I'm hoping that's true in more than one way.

I guess I'm not looking for answers, although if you have any I'll listen. I kind of know there's nothing I can do to reason with someone looking at the world through a distorted lens, and a teenager at that. I have seen that kids do come around eventually. My other kids all say not to worry, that he's just being stupid. I know they're right. I've been here before. Still, it smarts and there's no preparing for it. No armor, no crash helmet, no vaccination, no painkiller, no anesthesia. Hurts first time, every time. And no guarantee he'll ever reconsider. He seems to hate me with a vengeance.

Because I love him, I guess I'll go and watch his final concert, and his graduation, slipping in the back door and slipping back out like a guilty thief in the night. Then I'll wait. Maybe someday I will be able to say, you didn't see me, but I was there, you know....

If you are still reading, thank you. I know it was long. I just needed someplace to say it. I hope this is the right place for it. Reading your stories has helped me feel less like a freak and more able to keep my head up.



luise.volta

This is the place to say it, to be heard and to be understood. You have done remarkably well, it seems to me, with a stacked deck. Many of us have experienced that, as you know from reading our posts. My heart goes out to you along with my admiration.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

pam1

Welcome ConstantMargaret :)

Please read the Forum Agreement and WWU History (both threads are highlighted in pink in the category Open Me First.)  We ask all new members to do so not b/c there is anything wrong with your post.

Glad you found us, I think you'll find a lot of posters here that can comfort and relate to you.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

themuffin

Good Morning Constantmargaret!!

       First I must thank you for the laugh....."two hefty bags and one black eye".  LOL, LOL, LOL ;D ;D  That cracked me up!!!

       Wow, isn't it funny how some of us got here??? I typed in those very words no so long ago.  I swear I thought that all I would find was one old, sad and lonely letter written to Ann Landers!  Imagine my surpise to find all these wonderful wise women going thru the same thing I was.

        I don't think any of us have  any answers, I think we have developing coping mechanisms.  I have learned things on this site that have saved my sanity.  Like we can't change people, only ourselves.  Or that I was a complete person before them, and I can be complete without them (thanks Luise)!!!  I have learned that I have to live my life and my happiness is dependent upon me and not my adult children.  And it's true!!!  Once I let go of the constant wondering why, and trying to make sense of something that didn't make sense, I became "me" again.  I"m happy. 

       We are one of the lucky ones.  We have other children with whom we have a happy, healthy relationship with.  That's a gift to be treasured.  I have three sons and I have a good relationship with two of them.  In my opinion two out a three aint bad!

      I think I would also sneak into his graduation and concert.  Maybe I wouldn't sneak.  Maybe I'd let him see me. He's so very young.  Perhaps too young to understand how true parents really show love.  When I was growing up I remember thinking that my friends had way better mothers than mine.  They got to stay out late, their mothers never checked on them and they could pretty much do and go where ever they wanted.  My mom gave me a curfew and if I missed it she came and got me.  I don't think she ever got to see the end of any movie, lol.  She was always checking on me, wanting to know who I was with, what I was doing, how I was doing it.  She knew all of my friends, all of my teachers and they all knew her.  I wished I had my friends mothers. 

Fast forward...As an adult with a more mature mind, with a little life experience in my pocket I have learned who has the better mom.  But you couldn't tell me that at the time.  Hang in there.  Your 17 year old is living in a haze.  When adulthood slaps him in the face his mind will clear really fast and I'll bet it will be you he runs to.  And if not...let him remain in his awful haze with your ex.  Right now they seem pretty deserving of each other.

Hugs...

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Doe

Welcome CM -

You do already sound very wise - maybe just in need of some like minded women?

You said that most of your AC required a major blowup in order to separate from you - the fact that you see that as a pattern shows that you have some perspective about the matter.

One thing - I think the torture might lessen if you hide DS's Facebook feed.  You can still go to his page to read when you are in the right frame of mind.

Hope you'll stick around.  I have a feeling you have a some good advice to share.

JaneF

Glad you found this website constantmargaret!  I was glad to have found it when I did also.  I am very sorry for your situation.  I too cracked up at the two hefty bags and a black eye statement!  lol  I had the very same ex husband behavior wise!  Been there, and done most of what you wrote about so I understand how you must feel.  My kids have done serious drug things, not a fun situation at all.  It isn't helpful when the kids father acts like a "buddy" instead of a parent huh?  I was like you, wanted to know where my kids were, who with, and they darn sure better be home by curfew!  I don't think there are any pat answers either.  I just learned eventually that even though I was going through such painful situations, I had to take care of myself in order to maintain some sanity!  It is hard to detach I know.  Like Luise has said several times...it is an exercise in futility to ask why?  Your ex is probably nthrilled to have gotten your son living there with him because it hurt you.  I went through the same thing when my youngest son was 16.  Your ex is using the kid to get to you, they can be very good at that game.  My son also went on Facebook, not in private message either, to tell me about what your son said to you.  This was a year and a half ago.  I detached and had no contact with him until just 2 days ago.  It was sooooo hard, but I had to take care of me!  Again I am glad you are here, and I am positive you will get lots of support here...I know I felt I did!  It is great just being able to get things off your chest sometimes.  Blessings to you.  I am your age too, just 51!  J

constantmargaret

Thank you for your kind replies, everyone. And for reading that tome. It's remarkable how healing it is to speak and be heard and validated. For the first time since receiving my son's poison pen letter, I didn't wake up thinking about him and hurting. 

Muffin, I am lucky in so many other ways, you are right. My 5 adult kids just got a surprise party together for my 50th, with 2 flying from AZ to NH to attend. I have 3 sweet GC. I have a husband who is the love of my life, and I must say a pretty brave man, marrying someone with 6 kids and no money. I have amazing friends, and one who purchased one of my daughter's flight home for the party because she couldn't have come otherwise. I still have my own sweet mother, and since coming here I appreciate her more than ever.

I almost feel guilty for coming here and complaining about my one dumb kid when I have so much joy in every other area of my life. I guess it would be a slap in my family's face to be depressed about one mixed up angry teenager when I have all of them. I know many others here have much more difficult situations than this.

I will go to his concert and to his graduation. (In my worst nightmares he will flip me off from stage and announce to the world how much he hates me and what a rotten mother I am.)  I am not planning to approach him, but I have the right to go see him play one last time and graduate. Don't I? Even if he would rather I not go? And who knows how he truly feels? Maybe by this time he regrets that letter?

And here I go again. Somebody slap me.

Jane, may I ask how it went when you spoke with your son after all this time?

And yes I'm sure my ex at least started out loving this.  I honestly believe that this was all a strategy to get his support reduced but because he didn't completely get his way in court,(he no longer has to pay support, since DS lives with him full time, but he is still on the hook for arrears) he decided to punish me. He is never even home with him because he has to work sooooooooo hard, so our son is home alone doing what he does with no supervision. Now I suspect he sees that having DS around all the time isn't a walk in the park. In order for him to keep the status quo, he  has to allow DS to call the shots, meaning using, having no rules, being a slob, not contributing, etc. If he tries to lay down the law he knows DS would do to him what he did to me. I think you're right, that they deserve each other right now.

Ok, I'm almost ready to hide my son's news feed. Really. Thanks ladies


Pooh

Welcome CM!  I laughed two at the hefty bags and black eye.  Can't help it...I was done the same way and to this day, I wish I had pushed him backwards off the porch.  Wouldn't have changed anything but man I would have felt better.

Hang in there.  You are doing great and I do also know what it's like to have the Ex play the victim all the time and tell lies to your child.  It stinks.  I am a firm believer that given enough time, people figure them out and I hope that includes your DS and my DS someday.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

themuffin

Pooh, you wished you had pushed him backward off the porch??? ??? Hmmmmm......I've always been told that two wrongs don't make a right ??? :-\.....................But it sure makes an EVEN!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D LOL Just kidding..... ;D

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luise.volta

My take: Wishing isn't a wrong...it's a necessity sometimes!  ;D
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Ruth

You are a splendid writer, CM.  I have often thought about the fact that the whole world can access these posts of ours, all our stories are out there.  it may seem just 'getting it off the chest' but regardless I believe that we will never know in this life time who googled and stumbled over our 'story' and maybe it changed their life in some positive way, maybe it gave someone the insight they needed to make a major life change, maybe it gave some one hope to survive something that seemed impossible just by virtue of reading a real person's account of survival.  You don't need much here in the way of advice, you have done well.  I also welcome you and hope we all get to walk together toward maybe some better tomorrows, it helps having friends who understand. 

Pooh

Hee hee...well yeah, it was his own fault.  When you are going to tell your wife you are leaving after 21 years and you're having an affair, kind of stupid to ask you to step out on the two story deck to break the news....here's your sign!
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

themuffin

LOL!!! ;D   You are a woman of amazing restraint!!! ;D ;D LOL.  I love those "here's your sign" stories! ;D

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constantmargaret

wow Pooh, good thing it wasn't me on that deck. Restraint isn't my forte. LOOKOUT BELOW!!!!

You are right about them figuring things out eventually. My husband's daughter didn't speak to him at all for 3 whole years after he split up with his wife. She finally saw the light about her mother. My husband, although he suffered 3 years of silence, never had to say one negative word about his x to his 3 children. DD figured it out all by her lonesome.

Here's to hoping our DS's wise up someday too. I've seen stranger things happen.

You all have helped so much to lift my spirits, thanks.