Am I being crazy....

[themuffin]

Hi Pam, thanks for the info.  You are right. Sometimes innocent errors will be made.  There is no absolute in anything.  I do understand that.  I would like to know the sex of the baby, and I would like for it to be a girl, but it really doesn't matter.  The real issue is not the fact that the tech may not be able to tell, or may even tell it incorrectly.  What sorta bothers me is that DS and FDIL may (and maybe not) take pleasure in leading me to believe that the baby is a girl because they know I want one so badly, all the while knowing it's a boy.  And of course I could be wrong. It's just that I kinda know what they are capable of. I just don't trust them.  I can almost see FDIL laughing about the look she expects to see on my face when the baby is born and it's a boy.  I truly believe she would get a kick out of that.

And Scoop....you don't know her at all.  I personally have never terminated a pregnancy so I can not offer any insight on what it feels like.  I wouldn't even feel comfortable in telling you how it affected FDIL.  But I can tell you what I observed since I was there.  FDIL nor DS seemed to be "freaking out". I never treated FDIL like a hussy trying to trap my son.  In fact, I completely supported their relationship.  My DS knows how I feel about babies and especially future GC.  He knew that any baby news would have been greeted joyfully.  After all, they were adults living on their own.  Why would we begrudge them starting a family when my DH and I had done the very same at almost the same age.  Nope, they seemed fine with it. They said it wasn't a good time and she decided to take the pills that terminated early pregnancy.  I don't know how she felt on the inside, but she was just fine on the outside.

I believe that abortion affects different women in different ways.  For some they are torn apart from guilt and suffer from depression for a lifetime.  Some don't even view it as a baby and simply have the procedure and go on with their.  I've known women who used it as a form of "birth control" and had multiple abortions.  Now it's easier than ever.  Take a few pills and it's all over. 

[pam1]

TM, I remember the stories you told when you first came here and I can totally understand how and why you are feeling leery of them.  In fact, I think it is important that you do. 

Have you read the "Gift of Fear" by Gavin DeBecker?  You may not have to physically fear your DS and DIL but I think based on your posts here that your emotional heart has every right to feel that fear and act accordingly.  You're not crazy.

[Doe]

...  Why do you want anything to do with someone who would treat you like that?

Motherhood can be crazy making. 

[Doe]

Oh - I wish I could edit - I didn't mean that about you, TM. 

I wanted to convey to Scoop that I understand how you still have this unexplainable urge to have a connection with your son, no matter what.

Sometimes pithy just doesn't work...

[themuffin]

Doe, LOL.  I COMPLETELY understood what you wrote!!   It made perfect sense to me!!   I also appreciate that you wrote it.

[Silver Spring]

I do some volunteering for Planned Parenthood in my down time. I am perhaps a little on edge about this due to the now-reversed decision to cancel funding received by Susan G. Komen. People handle abortion in many different ways, and even women that regard it as a simple procedure still run a gauntlet of emotions.

I do believe that if they were able to tell you, they were including you in their decision and maybe, just maybe were looking for support, despite having a numb outward appearance. You've been so good at supporting them despite their behavior towards you, that it seems natural (to me) that they confide in you about the biggest decision of their life. They may just expect you to be the strong one for them in a big, emotional decision like that. Many women that do regard it as a procedure are literally numb going through the experience in order to GO THROUGH the experience, no matter how simplified the procedure may be.

If they confided in you, no matter how you felt about, it says something about them and their idea of having a communicative relationship with you, however checkered it might seem.  I don't believe they were doing it to hurt you, it is more likely they were already hurting on some level due to the stigma associated with terminating a pregnancy. I'm not sure them telling you was in anyway about you, despite your husband being there and him feelign the same way.

Despite a grandparent's grieving (and that is definitely very valid upon the news of a terminated pregnancy), what the parents are going through, however they are handling it (non-reactionary, placid, giggling, angry, devastated), trumps your feelings about it.  Their pregnancy is not at all about you or your happiness or even your sadness. That is something you need to cope with on your own. Don't make them the ones responsible for your disappointment in that pregnancy that wasn't.

[luise.volta]

...and I will never understand why, when such a decision is made, anyone has to be told about it. Sending love..

[Silver Spring]

I've seen countless women do the strangest things about this. Going through and managing your feelings is not easy and there isn't a book about how to be. Some people do just feel better when they tell someone. I've noticed that for womeon who have had a rough go and are managing other things in life, they can't  manage the feeling on their own about this and they spring it on someone.

If I may, this is a very routine procedure in most countries and many women do talk about it. It is only here that no one talks about it, generally out of fear. I do believe that perhaps talking about it would alleviate a lot of the stigma. There are many women afraid to talk about their experience, and they grieve the same as a natural miscarriage. That's a heavy burden to carry.

If I may, Muffin seems like the rock for these two, for what it's worth. It makes perfect sense they told her because they basically it seems they've included her in every very serious problem they have had.

Everyone's different, and managing things like this is going to look a little different to everyone involved. There are people that cope by telling, and others that cope by keeping quiet. Neither way is wrong.

[Silver Spring]

I know I'm not talking about the feelings of her DS and I don't mean to. He too experienced this, and he has depended on his mom for a lot (living there, the death of FDIL's father). I see a pattern and he goes to his mom in crisis.

[themuffin]

As always...Thanks Luise...In this case I do agree.

Silver Spring, I know I touched on a very tender topic on which I know nothing about and I tried to relate that in my post.  I could never, and would never debate what anyone goes thru when dealing with such a extraordinary decision. What I wrote were simply my own observations and their is no scientific evidence or proof that deem what I have written as accurate.  I sincerely hesitated about writing about it at all, but it was valid in responding to why I had drawn the conclusions that I had.

I respect that you did volunteer work for planned parenthood.  I have no such experience. I cannot comment on anyone's gauntlet of emotions. Have I known some women who have had abortions? Yes, some very close to me.  Even my own sister.  The women I have known displayed various emotions.  I can't tell what everyone is feeling even if they do or do not show/talk about it.  Nor can you. For some women abortion is inconceivable and they won't even consider it. For others it's the most difficult choice they've ever had to make, and then you have those who don't consider early fetuses actual babies.  This is not my personal opinion, but their have been actual debates, and discussions, and blogs, and what have you about this topic.  I personally am not very comfortable with it. and would like to no longer discuss after this post.

As much as I appreciate your insight and respect what you have written.  I must respectfully disagree that you can form an opinion about the intentions of a person whom you do not know.   They were not looking for support.  They did not expect me to be the strong one for them in their big decision. They did not confide in me. They were not being communicative. 

Your last paragraph totally misses the point. No one ever mentioned that any grief that I may have felt at the termination of this baby should supersede the feelings of the potential parents.  Never was it mentioned that they should keep this baby because it would make me unhappy. I took their decision to terminate the pregnancy very well. It was their decision.  I did not even offer an opinion, nor was I asked for one.  I respected their decision.  I coped with it very well. 

The point I was trying to make when I brought up the topic of the abortion is that I was there.  I personally know FDIL and DS.  You and Scoop do not.  Although I'm sure your intentions are good, you really cannot make judgement on the intention of people you know nothing about.  And there is no way for me to convince you that I know that they were not being open and looking for support.  But this I know for a fact.  Those who don't know can write whatever they want. It doesn't change what I know.

[Silver Spring]

You'll have to forgive me then, my apologies.

That was not my intention to say that was what they were definitely doing. I could have used better typing, but I was writing rather exhaustively. I do try not say what people are feeling. I did a poor job at that this time, I was merely offering it as a possibility.

Your FDIL and DS sound very dependent on you, despite their intentions to hurt you. They look often to you for love and support, that was all I was trying to say.

[themuffin]

Silver Spring,
I hope that I didn't sound angry or rude.  I did not intend to be.  i just really know what the intentions were that day.  DS and I have a strange relationship. when he was growing up I thought we were the best of friends. It wasn't until recently that I realized that he related our relationship quite differently to others. To my face he seemed to adore me, behind my back he made me seems borderline mentally ill.  He has come to me in the past and I have always supported him.  He has also hurt me in the past.  As of late he hasn't treated me like his rock, but more like a disposable mother.  I have learned to distance myself and it seems to help.

Thanks for replying.  I truly appreciate it.

[luise.volta]

Always remember - "Take what you want and leave the rest." We don't need to explain and others get to share. That's what WWU is all about. Sending love...

[themuffin]

Gonna jack my own thread... 16lbs Luise??? Wow!!! Way to go!!! Watching everyone's numbers go up keeps me motivated!!

[luise.volta]

Thanks. My numbers have a way of going up and down...hope I can "hold that line!"