March 28, 2024, 01:56:47 AM

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


Anyone heard of this?

Started by tryingmybest, November 14, 2011, 04:06:38 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

faithZeldas1

I too am not ready for this book,but enjoy the discourse, Must have been in one of the links or comments on amazon where "The Narcissistic Family" is recommended. One comment said if you read the first page & it sounds familiar,buy it.  So I chose a used copy & am eagerly awaiting delivery. But I'm still enjoying the insights. Being so low I could,in a silk top hat, crawl under a snake.  Socially unfit, I often don't even garner positive results from posting, even. Really I know we all belong & have a place & purpose. I'm very,very grateful to each & everyone of you. Thanks so much for site. This seems a doable goal to do what I can.

luise.volta

I feel I don't have to read the book  now. Whew..I like brain-candy mysteries. You got it, Faith. Just a crack in the door. Comfort will come. Read when you don't feel like posting. We have all been there and return there every once in a while. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

justanoldgrandma

Oh, Pen, not being on here for a long period of time, I don't know people's history, and didn't know you have a disabled daughter; didn't mean to be disrespectful; am sure you have a lot on your plate with the medical and transportation and all other issues......

tryingmybest

Still waiting for Amazon to deliver the book, and no I'm not the author.  ;D Seriously I bought it to get the MIL side of the story, support the sisterhood you know but if one of the reviews is correct, it will be hard to support this MIL much. The DIL signing GC up for swimming lessons was " mind control".... Seriously?

Pen

JAOG, no worries. I didn't find anything disrespectful in anything you'd posted  :-*
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

tryingmybest

Well I got the book and am reading it. I can identify with her anger, but she made some massive mistakes acting out of that anger. I'll actually review the book, once I'm done but I need to thank WW and especially Luise for bringing us all together, because there but for the grace of God and the guidance of you women...... ;)

luise.volta

When you write about anger, I think of the observation that it only damages the one who is angry.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

sadandfrustrated_FDIL

I am a fdil, and my fMIL really dislikes me, so I *gasp* blamed my self and bought the book to see how I could improve the relationship. (b/c yes ladies, many of use want a relationship with our MIL's)
First, the woman who wrote it refused to attend her son's wedding b/c the DIL didnt want to use FIL as the pastor.
Secondly, she literally blames the DIL for everything, never being introspective or even attempting to acknowledge that she has any role in the very negative relationship.
This woman is so mean. I cried so hard just thinking about how that poor DIL must feel. Honestly, the woman took away some of the joy and togetherness a bride should experiance on her wedding day by making the wedding all about her feelings.
All in all, a very frustrating book.

Doe

Hey S&FFDIL-

We MILs remind each other that we were whole "before" and we can be whole again.  I want to catch you before you disintegrate and encourage you to not let your MIL take away who you are. 

Whether you know it or not, you're in a position of mighty power and she's in a position of potentially losing her son's attention.  Just be strong and kind. Don't fear her - maybe take a look to see if she really just needs some pity or sympathy for not being able to gracefully transition in to her crone phase.

herbalescapes

I had cut myself off from this thread and now y'all wanna open up this can of worms again?  Ya brought it on yerselfs, so I have no pity.

I have come to a conclusion about the real problem in this mil/dil situation.  The author admits she was intimidated by her own MIL.  She mentions several times that it's only natural that a DIL be be in awe of her more sophisticated, accomplished MIL.  Really?  I don't know of any DIL jealous of a MIL because the MIL is more accomplished.  I know a few who are jealous because they think their DHs haven't cut the apron strings and feel DH spends more time/attention on his mother than his wife.  Especially with people getting married at a later age, chances are the DIL is just as well if not more educated than her MIL and already established in a career.  With 2d, 3d, etc. marriages, the DIL is just that much more accomplished and MIL that much less an authority figure.  And DILs tend to have an attribute overvalued (unfortunately)in our superficial society: youth. 

I think the author expected her DIL to be somewhat cowed by the author's accomplishments (college professor, concert pianist, lived in France, Parisian model, etc.) just as the author was by her own MIL, and when DIL was unimpressed, MIL was hurt and embarrassed.  She (author) then possibly questioned the value of her own accomplishments and tried to bring down DIL.  When you feel less than someone else, you have two options to bring equality: raise yourself up or bring the other person down.  I think MIL decided on the latter.

The DIL here could be a quite intimidating figure in her own right.  Here's a woman who has money and could live the life of leisure, but chooses to work with autistic children - which can be rewarding, but is very frustrating.  Having money, DIL could easily have nicer clothes, jewelry and homes.  Although the author is well-travelled, chances are the DIL is even more so.  Many DILs might be impressed with a MIL who had  lived in France, but this DIL might own a chateau there.  IF (I'm making these details up for argument's sake) the author does feel belittled by DIL's superior wealth, it must be all that much more uncomfortable being a clergyman's wife. 

I wonder if the author and her husband ever sought professional counseling to deal with their estrangement.  As a clergyman, author's husband should be especially aware of the value of an outside, objective opinion.  The only mention of them having counseling was when they were on vacation and recognized a well-known counselor.  The husband leans over at breakfast and tries to solicit some free advice.  The author says her husband got only a few sentences - a few sentences! - out when the well-known counselor says "It's your DIL."  What kind of counselor passes judgement based on a few sentences?  For the counselor's sake , I'll assume he wanted to enjoy his vacation and was trying to nip the conversation in the bud by saying what they wanted to hear.  The well-known counselor's wife was there and tells them they (counselor and wife) have problems with their own DIL.  So much for objectivity.

I think it's been said on other threads that there's a saying out there that 85% of people go to counseling knowing they are right and wanting to find out how to fix the other person.  The purpose of counseling is to make the person realize that s/he can't control the other person, and figure out how to change their own behavior/attitude to make the situation more bearable.  We've discussed how you can't change someone else a multitude of times.  I never saw anywhere in this book the author accepting that AS and DIL are adults and have every right to make their own decisions, and she and her husband need to own up to their own contributions to the problem.  DIL may be Satan personified, but I could find only a handful of examples of DIL's behavior being actually rude, and never so egregious that would justify a MIL writing such a book.

Hope y'all are having a nice day.

faithZeldas1

January 25, 2012, 02:20:23 PM #55 Last Edit: January 25, 2012, 03:36:43 PM by luise.volta
Having a great day! Wondering how many people are being helped by this awful women's book. She didn't even profit off me,cause you all have reviewed so well. As I posted earlier it was the start of my journey to healing from the narsisstic foo. My fleas with my AS & DIL,came from there. Thanks to WW, I let them live their live in their way and should be on my own with my dear old dogs in a few weeks =)  Thanks a million, sorry I hijacked the thread. Bet ya didn't see this coming, =)

pam1

herbalescapes, now I'm even more curious about that book! 

A few things stood out to me in your review and got me thinking (whoa nelly, watch out now!)  Anyway, everyone has rude behavior at one time or another.  Some more so than others.  But it's even worse to point out another persons rudeness and I assume the author wrote this book with her real name?  Not a good move.

I wonder how she felt writing the book would actually fix anything in her relationship.  And then I wonder perhaps that was never her goal, she doesn't want a relationship -- she wants to be right.  And doesn't that seem to be one of the core issues we all have here with the difficult person in our lives?  We're frustrated (or at least I am) that you try and try, do this and that for a good or at least civil relationship and it just never works b/c the other side doesn't want it too! 

This book sounds like a peak into the mind of one of those people who don't want a relationship, they want to be right.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

tryingmybest

Well since I started this thread I may as well pop in. I did buy and read the book. A lot of it was well, more then a little confusing. The author admitted many DIL's are wonderful but then went on to chronicle horror stories, including her own. :o
Her son was supposedly wonderful until he met and married his wife and then turned into this weak willed destroyed shell of the person he used to be. Well he and his wife have stayed together and had four children, seem to doing well and have a relationship with everyone else in DH family... So something is clearly off. The author and her husband refused to attend the wedding because the son and his fiancee changed their minds about having his father ( a minister ) marry them. they said they would not come to the wedding and then sat there expecting to be begged to change their minds. When that didn't happen on the day of the wedding they went to the beach and symbolically burned and buried something, I think it was the wedding invitation, I kind of zoned out because that just freaked me out a bit.
I'm sure there were some issues that needed to be dealt with, I'm sure we've all dealt with them, but wow this was really so over the top, and the author seemed to really blame women being too strong as the cause of all problems. Sad...

Pen

Not having read the book, and not likely too, I can only say that as bad or slanted as the book may be, it does bring to light the fact that some DILs can be difficult. Up to now the stereotype was of the Monster-In-Law, whether she was the DD's mom or the DS's. At the time my DS married I'd never heard of a mean DIL, just the innumerable old jokes about awful MILs (& I was determined not to be one.) Many MILs who were dealing with rejecting/rude DILs felt very confused & alone. However, it doesn't sound as if the author is doing us any favors.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

tryingmybest

 Agree completely watch any episode of Bridezilla, many of us have real issues, because there are real problems...wish the book had been better...:-(