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Don't know where to turn...

Started by SadToTheCore, January 26, 2012, 01:25:59 AM

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SadToTheCore

No offense taken at all. I welcome all suggestions. I have never really felt physically threatened, no. He is such a pacifist... or was...

I would rent him an apt to be sure, but there is no way my husband will. You're right, though. He should not be living here. It isn't a healthy situation for anyone. He lived in new york for several years and didn't need a car, so now he still doesn't have one. I would have bought him a car, too, but hubby says no. Hopefully he will get his loans and be gone for a few years beginning in August. But I feel so sad saying that because I do love him so much. I miss the son I had, and I'm finally starting to understand that the son i knew and was close to may never return:(   I still cry daily.

Ruth

Please don't cry every day.  Nothing stays the same.  I believe firmly that as long as there's life, there's hope.  Please try and stop looking back, Sad, and also try and stop thinking that it will only get worse or remain as it is now.  I'm lately observing three generations in my own family, and the fact that none of us stay(ed)  the same.  We've had our ups and downs, many of us severe ones that looked like it would be best to just throw in the towel.  But in spite of that we've all managed to keep reconnecting and rising above the problems most of the time.  Pull your spirits up, and at least encourage yourself that DS is plowing ahead in spite of his issues, and doing what he has to do to get himself back in school.  It may be that he'll straighten out during that time.  You'll begin to see glimpses of who he was in time.  but it may also be that in time you'll  like and admire the person he might become more than the person he was, when he's all grown up.  I think of you often and understand and share what you feel as a mother. 

SadToTheCore

Ruth, those words went straight to my heart and gave me the hope I've been craving. Thanks so much for that. Hope all is well with you.

Evalyn

If I were the mother of a DS with such obvious problems, I would see my own Doctor to seek advice. I don't think your DS is likely to agree to any therapy right now. It could possibly help you and DH to cope with the effect he is having on you both. The anxiety must be very hard to bear.

Here is a useful link explaining what CBT is and the ways it can help.

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/psychotherapies/index.shtml

SadToTheCore

It's really weird to be estranged from your son when he's living with you!  He doesn't come downstairs when we're there, and we seldom come home before 8 pm so we don't have to see him. We rarely eat at home anymore, for fear that he's going to come down and start an argument. Frankly, my DH is worse than my DS because he literally says he hates my DS now. That makes for an enormous amount of stress. On holidays, I don't want to have people here, because my DH says he will leave if my DS comes downstairs. I'm so angry with them both!  Why can't they just be kind to each other?  My DH says he has given him his last chance, but he doesn't kick him out because he would be homeless.
Also, we know my DS is mentally ill. I believe he has OCD with symmetry and balance. I also believe he has some sort of personality disorder that developed quickly after he turned 24. A few days ago he texted me (yes, we text in the same house, as we don't see each other) that I purposely named him with 6 letters in each of his first, middle, and last names.  You know, 666. I told him we named him lovingly after his dad and his grandpa (which, of course, is the truth) and he told me to stop lying to him. Then all of a sudden when we came home, we saw he had fixed dinner and left some for us to try. A nice gesture. My husband said no way was he having any. I tried it a d texted my son that it was delicious, but he said, "reading you loud and clear." Whatever that means.
I don't know what to do. I may just spend this Memorial Day curled up in bed. I certainly won't be celebrating with my family.

Pen

STTC, I agree that your situation is really weird. I'm worried about you and your DH, as well as your DS. Please find the energy to make some calls and get the ball rolling towards help for DS and some relief for you & DH before irreparable harm is done to your relationships and your physical, emotional and mental health. I will be thinking of you and sending good thoughts for strength and guidance.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Evalyn

There are many types of mental disorders. I would venture to suggest your DS does need a professional diagnosis. However, if he won't seek help that makes the situation very difficult.
The main question is whether or not he is a danger to himself or anyone else. If he is not at risk to himself or anyone else, he cannot be compelled to go to hospital.
My personal feeling is that if I were in your situation, I would go and talk to my Doctor, in confidence. This is a good way to find out what your options are. There may be lots of ways to help your DS that you haven't heard about.
I have some personal experience in this area. My Doctor was very helpful in finding ways to help the relative with problems. It is of course up to you, but I do feel this might be a useful way to go.