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Don't know where to turn...

Started by SadToTheCore, January 26, 2012, 01:25:59 AM

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SadToTheCore

Well, it's been over a year since I've posted, so I thought I'd give you all an update. I'm not even sure if the same people are here!
My son and my husband began speaking again when my DH saw the atrocious living conditions my son had been living in at my estranged sister's. We picked him up (he has no car) and drove him to live with his friend in nashville. After 4 months, his friend's girlfriend was going to move in so my DS had to leave. He came back home last Christmas. I do believe he was trying to get along with us for the most part, and things were going along relatively smoothly. My DH was even letting him use his car!  About a month ago my DH was driving my DS to the airport (he was accepted in an MBA program in miami and was going there for a preview visit), and all hell broke loose. I'm not sure exactly what transpired, but I do know my DS screamed horrible things to my DH. He blamed him for his misery, said he was emotionally abused (untrue), etc. Needless to say, things have been very strained. My DH won't talk to him. A few weeks ago, they actually became a bit physical, pushing, etc, when my son came downstairs and started saying disparaging things against me. That is something my DH wont tolerate. Well, to make a very long story short, my DS is still living here. He stays upstairs while we work and we totally a oil each other. I'm thinking he will be going to obtain his MBA in the fall, if he gets his student loans, but who knows?  I just want this nightmare to end. My DS is delusional and my DH is handling this by not speaking... Even when DS walks into the room. I do talk to my DS if he talks to me (rarely), but I'm not sure where to go from here with all of this. I know we would have kicked him out weeks ago, but he would be totally homeless, and  we couldn't live with that. So now what, wise ladies?

Pen

STTC, I've been thinking about you and your situation with your DS. You mentioned before that you thought your DS might be mentally ill. Are there any agencies in your area or in the area he plans to attend grad school in that can assess him and offer help with getting him some sort of living arrangement? You and your DH do not need to go through what sounds to me like abusive behavior. A professional in the field might have some resources. I know you don't want to see your DS out on the street, especially if he's emotionally and mentally fragile. I hope you can find the guidance you and he need.

I'm glad you posted. No reason for you to go through this alone.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

jdtm

Sadtothecore - when I read your update, it so reminded me of our ex-DIL (although our version is much tamer).  Frankly, it screamed "personality disorder" to me.  I think Pen is correct and if your son won't seek help, then I would find help for myself and DH.  By the way, our ex-DIL suffers from BPD.  Sometimes there are things and situations that we cannot control or cure and I believe that you are in one of those.  So sorry ....

Pooh

We're still here STTC :)

I think Pen gave you some great advice about DS.  I also think it's time you start making plans for yourself as well.  I know in the past, you have had problems with the way DH wouldn't have anything to do with DS over his behavior.  It sounds like he gave him a second chance and DS did it again and DH also stood up for you as well.  Are you willing to let go of your expectations of the relationship you thought you would have with DS?  And also honor that DH is setting his boundaries?

I say that because I know you have always felt you were caught in the middle between them. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Ruth

I've thought of you so many times.  I am at least thankful to hear you still holding your own.  You can be very thankful that you and DH are on the same page and able to be a comfort and support to one another.  You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

SadToTheCore

I think a lot about you, too, Ruth. I hope all is going okay. I just take my life one day ATMs time, and I pray a lot!  Some days are better than others, but My oldest daughter made me a new grandma at the end of January!  My granddaughter is healthy and beautiful. I'm blessed.

Ruth

That is wonderful news!  Congratulations and give yourself permission to enjoy this new blessing and addition to the family!  It takes a long time, but eventually if we're lucky we get to the place that we just make peace with the way things are, and put the long lenses on our cameras.  When I look back at my first post(s) I can hardly believe it.  I was in such a bad place.  Things never changed a whole lot with my DS, but it just seemed to fade more into the backdrop of my life.  I got a better life and have a different and more healthy focus now.  It takes time and I know if I can do it, anyone can.  I'm still here with and for you, Sad, and for anyone else on the website who needs an old veteran's shoulder to cry on although I don't come here very often any more.  I'm grateful for all the people who helped me here.  But I am darned grateful most of all that my life isn't sucked up in worry and sadness over my DS.  I've left that in bigger hands and do what I can do and don't worry about what I can't. 

Evalyn

Hello SadToTheCore,

If you and your DH are able to present a united front, by refusing to listen to abusive talk from your DS, it might help. He seems to need clear boundaries.

A strong relationship with your DH is really important to maintain family harmony. You have your AD's a GC to consider. They need you and want you in their lives.

You can't do much to change your DS but you can change your attitude. One way is to lower your expectations of your DS. As has been said already, he does seem to have had some kind of problem that caused the personality change.

I am not in any way qualified to make suggestions as to what it was. However, it would be a good idea to discuss the situation with your Doctor. The Doctor may be able to advise you what may be causing the problem.

There may be help available for your DS in the community. Suitable accommodation for instance. I do think seeing your Doctor could be reassuring, It may be that some kind of therapy other than counselling would help you.

Cognitive behaviour therapy is very useful. I had it myself, it was really good because it enabled me to stop worrying myself sick about things I couldn't control and to focus on the things I could change.

SadToTheCore

Thanks so much!  What is cognitive therapy?
My son had a very difficult year in 2006. My mom passed away, and they were very close; my husband was diagnosed with prostate cancer; my DS got beaten and robbed and left for dead, which GREATLY affected him. ; his girlfriend broke up with him; many many things could have caused his personality change. Last month he unleashed his anger on my DS and told him he was a terrible dad, swore at him, (which he has NEVER done). and then started in on me. My husband was already on the verge of disowning him because we have tried everything since 2006, but when my son pulled that last stunt, that was the straw that broke the camels back. My DH told my DS he hates him and respects nothing about him. That cut my son (and me) to the core. What dad says that to his son??? Yet, how much verbal abuse can one take?  Such a sad, sad situation.

tryingmybest

I am so sorry about what's happening. Was DS ever evaluated for traumatic brain injury after his mugging? And was he ever treated for PTSD? That kind of severe attack can leave a person with anger and fear and I guess with men some degree of victim "shame" because they couldn't fight off their attacker. if he was never able to process those feelings he may be dumping all that anger on "safe targets", his parents.    I'm not a therapist by any means, but that might be worth a look.

SadToTheCore

Yes, we've definitely thought about that. Unfortunately, he isn't on board. He thinks WE'RE the ones with the problems. Wish I could think of a way to get him in somewhere, but he has no insurance.

Pen

Keep digging, if you are so inclined. It varies from state to state, region to region. There are agencies that can step in and at least test, if not find housing & employment or educational resources. Some places may have nothing, but it would be worth it to find out before giving up. My SM told me about an acquaintance of hers who got help in their city. Gear up; it might get frustrating, but with hope the right people/agencies will be put in your/DS's path. At the very least you'll know you really did do all you could do.

Or, let DS sink or swim. Maybe he needs to learn the hard way! It's up to you, really. I go back & forth with my feelings regarding my DDD. It's really hard to put in so much effort and get little back.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

kate123

Dear Sad,

I feel very sorry for your son, employment IS difficult to obtain these days, I know because I have been trying to get a job for two years. Has your son thought about a military career. It is a good place to start, and even if he only does a few years he will have many more options afterward because of preferences given to veterans.
Kate

SadToTheCore

A good thought, though he's 30. He currently plans to get his MBA at a great university. He hasn't heard about his student loan applications ( i dont think... he doesnt talk to me), but he did put down a hefty deposit. But because he doesn't think clearly, I'm hoping he can make it at a business school.

He used to be so on top of everything. So sad. Yesterday he accused me of naming him so that there would be 6 letters in each of his first, middle, and last names so he would be 666, like the devil I guess. When I explained to him that we named him after his dad and his grandpa he told me to stop lying to him. This is the logic he has at this point in his life. Such a change from the happy go lucky guy he always was. I can't reason with him. But it's tough to live with him too. He refuses treatment of any kind. I'm hoping if he goes to school, he could seek some sort of counseling, as the health insurance is part of the tuition price, if needed. He currently doesn't have insurance.

I'm just trying to take this day by day. It's been 7 years of this now, so I'm getting more used to it.

FAFE

Do you think you and your husband may be in any kind of danger with him?  Seems like his thinking is mighty flawed (his name and number of letters as an example).  I wonder if it would be more advantageous to you (if the finances are there) just to rent him a place of his own.  Sounds like he really needs some professional help.  Again, I'm sorry, but I would not allow anyone to treat me like he's doing in my own home.  I have had some problems with one of my chilluns in the past and he was invited to leave, which he did, but saw the light and that's never been a problem again.

I know it is easy for me to make suggestions for you and your family, and it has to be heartbreaking for you to have this situation going on in your home.  My hope for you is that you can make some happiness for you and your husband and your son will wake up and smell the roses or take responsibility for his own life.

Hope you don't take offense to this post.