Don't know where to turn...

[SadToTheCore]

My DS has always been very social and had tons of friends.  Since his "transformation" he has been pulling slightly back from people... A little ... A bit more quiet than before and MUCH more philosophical  I guess one of my greatest fears is that living on this farm WITH NO CAR will encourage him to withdraw even further and it will be harder to help him restore what he once was. He has lost all confidence  in himself, and I don't think this is the answer for him. I know there is nothing i can do, ( is there?) but how do I stop the obsessive worry?  He really is a fabulous person, but he has stopped showing emotion and caring. I love and miss him so much. I want my son back.

[Doe]

I know you are missing the son who used to be.  Is there any chance you could step back and accept that he's morphing into some role as a man? 

I think retreats are not a bad thing when people need to figure things out.  He has to come up with his own vision of his life/future.  I think that he would benefit from any calm encouragement you could give him. 

Since you know there is nothing you can do, maybe you could try to develop some hope for him when you think of him?  I personally think that others' thoughts, prayers, etc do have an affect on situations.  With your constant worrying, you are essentially giving him a vote of no-confidence.   Can you imagine having your own mother on your sidelines doing that when you are going through a tough time in your life?  Instead of thinking 'he'll never make it' try 'I know he'll do the right thing' for a change? Perhaps?

If I missed something, let me know.  He's not killing himself with drugs or toxic GFs, etc, right?

[SadToTheCore]

You're right. There are no drugs involved. Mental illness?  I don't know. He truly doesn't hear any negative thinking because I don't talk to him. Sometimes I feel that if we make the first move and tried to begin another conversation with him, maybe he'd come around. But we've tried so many times and it just reverts back to him telling us what awful parents we've been so we don't get anywhere. He's not logical, so I guess I just have to wait until he Gomes to some realizations on his own. Can that happen with illogical people? 

[Doe]

Well, since you don't know what's driving him, maybe you could work on what's driving you?  I mean, since worrying about him all the time isn't getting the result you want and is probably stressing the heck out of you, maybe try something else.

Maybe you could talk but keep the conversations short and simple and not full of explosive topics.  If he starts heading that way, change the subject or 'gotta go! ttyl!'   

Maybe let go of the notion of him coming around to be who you want him to be and start getting to know the person he's being now?

Worrying and fretting and wanting to turn back the clock didn't work for me - it just made me sadder and tenser and more hopeless.  I had to change how I was thinking and what I was doing.  It's working for me.  I hope you can find something that will lead  you out of this unhappiness.

[firelight]

I agree with everyone also....but I know I was never good at the no calling thing for very long.  I could do it for a while, but I was always the one who called. 

If you do call, just keep it light-hearted and let him know you love and miss him....if the verbal abuse comes, you could always redirect the conversation and if that doesn't work, you can quietly say you'll talk to him again sometime when he's in a better mood and end the call.  (gotta plan for this though before you call or you might get sucked in to the nonsensical web!)

It could be a mental illness as others have suggested and/or (possibly) drugs too.....we just don't know.  I wondered for the longest time why my DD and SIL didn't try to better themselves by looking for work at all (after lying about looking first)....come to find out they couldn't pass a drug screen.  It is up to your DS though to make his life better.  Only when they hit their own personal "rock bottom" will it change....and that "rock bottom" is different for everyone. 

Treat yourself well as you go through this difficult time.     

[firelight]

p.s.  Sadtothecore,
You really don't know with absolute certainty that there aren't drugs involved....my DD did a great job hiding some serious drug use for several years up until the recent end...which then I and everyone else noticed something was very wrong....She is in rehab this very moment (due out tomorrow a.m. at 10:00 a.m.) and while in there was diagnosed with major depression and anxiety.  She tried to self-medicate in hellish ways that only was slowly killing her.  But there were behavior changes toward the end that she and SIL (also a substance abuser) just couldn't hide.....behavior changes are a big red flag to me.  Could be many things though.....I am hoping for a better day for you and your DS.  I hope for his sake that it isn't anything at all to do with drugs and that he finds the help he needs soon.   I know the heartbreak, sister.

[SadToTheCore]

Hello all, it has been a particularly difficult night. It's been nearly four months since I've seen or talked to my DS. I want so much to call him and hear his voice.  I need to make sure he's all right. Im afraid to call though, because he will want answers about his dad and why he is no longer speaking to him, and I can't answer that. I'm afraid the conversation will end badly, so I don't call. He still eta some mail here, so I send it to him about once a week or so.  Sometimes I pit a little note in the envelope. I Ina small gift card to a bookstore, because I know he's stranded at that farm. He never responds or says thanks.

I know he isnt on drugs, as he is vehemently against them. Not to mention he isn't leaving my sister's house.

My question... I believe I should wait until he shows some respect to my husband and me before contacting him, but it's so very hard. How do I get rid of this constant sick feeling in my stomach?  And if he truly has developed some sort of mental illness, can we hold him responsible for how he treats us? 

I just don't know what to do.

[SadToTheCore]

Sorry about all the typos. I'm not used to this iPad.  I hope you can make sense of what I wrote.

[Pen]

STTC, I'm sorry you're having a rough go. I know what it feels like to ache for communication w/ your kids, or a touch or even a smile from them. I wish there were definite guidelines re: when to call, when to back off, etc. etc. Every situation has its own nuances and pitfalls. Does he have access to a phone he can use at will or is he limited to only receiving calls? If he has a way to call you whenever he likes, & he has chosen not to, I'd give him a little more time. You've kept the door open via gift cards & notes. He knows you're thinking of him; I hope if he is having emotional/mental/health problems he will contact you for help.

Best wishes, {{{hugs}}} and much support through this hard time. Take some time to nurture yourself and DH.

[SadToTheCore]

Pen, you are so right. When I begin to feel so conflicted and guilty about not contacting my son, I need to remember that the phone definitely works both ways. If he wanted contact, he knows I love him and would be receptive to that, so if he isn't calling, that must be the way he wants it. Thanks for bringing me back into reality. It's kind of like a death. I feel that I've lost him and I'm going through a terrible grieving process. so glad to have found this site.

[firelight]

If you're feeling this badly and it's been 4 mos, I'd probably pick up the phone and call him.....what do ya have to lose.....the worst that can happen is he won't answer or something....

Ease your mind if you need to.  That is just what I'd do.....but that doesn't mean that's right for you, SadToTheCore.

[Pooh]

I'm the opposite.  If it's been 4 months, and he hasn't called you either then leave it alone.  Since you are still trying to accept it, if he doesn't answer or does and reverts back to his normal conversation, it will be like picking a scab.  Let the wound entirely heal so if you do decide to call, you can go into it will no expectations.  Like firelight said, that's what I would did...but you have to do what's right for you.

[SadToTheCore]

I totally understand what everyone is saying.  I flip-flop between sobbing my eyes out at night to being super angry that he could possibly treat me/us this way.  We have ALWAYS been there for him, and if he's honest with himself, he knows that.  He was on top of the world in every way until about 5 years ago when he had a personality change (he got mugged.... don't know if that's when it began).  He is illogical, and I'm sure he is mentally unstable.

If he were in his right mind, I would totally ignore him until he came to his senses.  BUT.... Is it right to have expectations of a mentally ill person??? That's what I struggle with everyday.

[pam1]

Sadtothecore, DH and I struggle with this too.  We see a counselor to help us determine what we will or will not allow in our lives in regard to our diagnosed MIL.  I can't recommend it enough, there are counselors out there who specialize in helping families deal with mentally ill family member.  You're important too and it is very important to keep yourself healthy.

[lisafox41]

I'd like to offer my perspective if I may...I've been a nurse for 30+ years and have worked with patients with the most severe of mental illnesses. Even the worst of the mentally ill have behavioral expectations. So yes, I do not think it unreasonable that you have expectations of your son. I'm not saying he will meet those expectations however!
In my situation, I also came to the conclusion my AD is mentally ill. What has worked for me over time is to change my expectations of her.
You are right, you are grieving the loss of the relationship you previously had with your son. It takes MUCH time for some of us to get to the point of acceptance of the "now".
You are doing a great job of keeping the door open, but you can not force the relationship.
Take care of yourself. That's the most important!