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Am I the only one who plays by the rules???

Started by Kate123, January 25, 2012, 02:37:48 am

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Nana

Dear Kate

Better alone than in bad company.  I am so sad that you feel this way.  We all have "these"days in which we feel so low that we dont want to continue on.  We feel that our life has no meaning.  Änd we are so wrong... our life always have a meaning because we are special and loving and have much to offer.  But the first thing we have to do is to learn to love ourselves for what we are, and start from there.   

I am sure you will have a brighter tomorrow.....it is your decision....we can make the best of our lives if wwe want. 

Hold on.... You know you also have us.

Sending Love
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

colleen01

Hi Kate. I really feel for you, and I also feel at times no one else plays by the rules and they are rallied around and adored and can change the rules just because.  I don't know what that is,co-dependency or whatever.  I have no advice, just compassion, and "I hear ya". My FOO, AC, inlaws, they do whatever they want. The rules only seem to apply to me.  I know we arent' the only ones but it does seem like it. My newest saying, "do the next right thing". you are in the right, not him, no doubt.

Pooh

Kate, I did meet my now DH online, but it wasn't a dating site and it wasn't either one of us looking for dates.  It was pure accident.  I'm with the others.  Find yourself first and know what you want and who you are.  I went into mine quickly after a 21 year marriage with someone like your BF, but I had withdrawn about 3 years prior to the divorce and started searching for myself again.  That contributed immensely to the divorce as I did an about face the last three years of our marriage and stopped babysitting him.  So even though my divorce was rough, I already knew who I was again by then.

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Kate123

Well its been three nights now and I have not heard from him and he did not come for his clothes or anything. I thought maybe he would come back and apologize, hoped I guess. I knew by his behavior over the past years that he no longer really loved me, no birthday/Christmas/Valentines gifts or cards, no songs shared, hardly any time together. I just kept holding on to the good moments and hoping they would come back. I feel like such a bad person, maybe I should not have locked him out, maybe I should not have expected so much. All I can think of is that I want my life over, unfortunately I know I do not have the courage to to do anything. But I can't eat, can't sleep, can't go out, and hang on the window waiting for him to come back. If he does I don't know what I would say, do I want to try and work this out or not, I don't know. I feel like maybe I was taking his freedom to come and go as he pleases. I would not have minded it if he had given me some time, but I had to complain when it became no time.
Like swans and penquins I mate for life, but I guess I did not find a swan or penguin, must be picking crows or something.

Pooh

You were not taking anything from him.  Sounds like he doesn't have a clue what a relationship is and was wanting someone to be there for him, do everything for him but yet still live the single life by running around doing what he wanted.  Stop blaming yourself for his problems.  Kate, you matter and there will be someone that treats you like you deserve to be treated.  Your job is to learn and accept that you deserve to be treated well.

I know your statement was made because you are hurt and upset right now, but I need to remind you that we are not a crisis website and we are not trained professionals.  If you are truly having those feelings, please seek help immediately and talk to someone. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

lancaster lady

Kate :

You have to stay mad ...and not weaken !
He's not worth the effort you are putting into running yourself down .
He is the one at fault ....not you .
you are worth something better than he is offering ....which is zilch !

Pen

Quote from: Kate123 on January 27, 2012, 04:58:58 am
Like swans and penquins I mate for life, but I guess I did not find a swan or penguin, must be picking crows or something.


Crows & ravens also mate for life. I think this guy is a lower life form, and you deserve better! I agree w/Pooh that you may need to speak to a professional to get out of your cycle of sadness and onto the business of living your best life. Of course we're here for support, Kate.

Can you pack up his stuff and have it ready to go?
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Doe

Quote from: Kate123 on January 27, 2012, 04:58:58 am
Like swans and penquins I mate for life, but I guess I did not find a swan or penguin, must be picking crows or something.


Now that's a picture - a swan mating with a penquin...

Kate123

I'm OK, do not need crisis intervention- there is nothing they could do to fix my problem and like I said I have no courage.

I did not know that about crows and ravens, they seem like such independent birds. Guess it is humans who don't mate for life.

I know the advice here was to wait before dating but I feel at my age I have to do it now, and also for something to do to get out of this dilemma. Thanks so much for being here ladies you are all very kind.

colleen01

Kate, I feel your pain. I agree that maybe set up an appt with someone who can get you through this touch,dark time.  If you have enough people to talk to and keep you strong and busy, great. If not, like I think alot of us women or we wouldn't post here often at least, find someone to help. We all go thru pain, but we're not all so hard on ourselves. I am, so I understand that painful feeling of sadness. I believe you can get thru anything if you have enough people to support you. If we can, email me and I could even give you my phone #. That's what helps me, having enough people to get me thru, and the phone is one of my helps.  Keep telling yourself the truth,not lies.

diazdebbie

I did finally meet my husband online an it's been wonderful.  But, when I think about it...I think it's all about timing.  After being disappointed with men and relationhips, I finally started to focus on ME. I kept myself busy with work and then I went back to school. (Great distraction)  Met other women like me who wanted  to improve our lives.  (My classmates are now life long friends). I think if I had met him before working on me, that I would have been rebounding or desperate and it might not have worked out as well as it did. I  was really screwed up at that time.  Staying busy kept me focus on ME and I got stronger and grew as as a person.  I think by the time we met online. I was a better person.

bdwell1904

I feel for you soo much. I know that fear and it took alot of beatings, mental and physical abuse and 18 yrs from husband no1, 3 months a broken nose and a beating with a 20 lb barbell from no2, for me to finally ask the right question. It wasn't how am I going to survive alone at this age, it was what is broken in me that I pick these kind of men, then asking how do I fix it. Lucky for me I was able to face some of my demons by the time no 3 came along, I still made him wait a long time before I said yes. I am not healed by any means and still deal with alot of issues. I am fortunate DH tries to be so understanding and gives me a little push when I start to fall back into old self doubt. I live a very happy and peaceful life despite issues I share on here. I have learned that it may get me down but wont keep me down. My advice is to look on the inside rather than for someone on the outside. Life and love can be better and we do deserve it. At least that is what DH keeps telling me lol deep down I know it's true. best to you

Kate123

Thank you BD. Right now I feel I am in a state of shock. I haven't even visited here in a while because I feel I can't contribute. I have always had someone to take care of, never have been on my own. My few friends are busy with their SOs and so I can't ask for help. I don't know how people get through times like this and it sure feels hopeless. I have my heat on 60 because I can't afford the oil. My DS told me to move to Florida, which makes it feel like he does not even care if I am around. I went online for dating but that is getting me nowhere. This is not a pity party- just an explanation on why I feel at the end of my rope. I suffered some abuse, mostly verbal, not physical like you- I admire you for getting up and moving on, I can't imagine how you did it. I hope that time will get me through this but right now I can bearly get out of bed let alone go volunteer somewhere or find a job. Thanks for your help-it really does help to hear from others.

luise.volta

K - Please don't stay away because you feel you can't contribute. The time will come. This site is for all of us, always. It is no easy task to turn the kind of corners we are having to turn...and for many of us, certainly for me, is has been an off-again/on-again process. Our peace lies within. We weren't taught that...we were taught it was external...and so the endless search began. All things external are temporary, whether positive or negative. What lies within, if nurtured...stays and grows. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pen

Baby steps. Kate. Pick one little reason to get out of bed. When you can do that regularly, add another. My heart goes out to you. You are worth getting out of bed for! I hope you find your way soon.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb