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Am I the only one who plays by the rules???

Started by Kate123, January 25, 2012, 02:37:48 am

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I locked my boyfriend out tonight and now can't sleep. He has been coming home later and later for this reason and that reason then does not answer his cell when I call to ask him where he is. Tonight he did the same, I called and called-no answer. At 11pm I locked the door (I put a dead bolt on last time he was doing this and did not give him a key).

I played by the rules with my kids and x-husband- did everything I was supposed to do and more. Tried to be loving, caring and treat everyone respectfully, never spent money, worked hard at home and work. I don't get what I have done wrong that everyone thinks it's okay to mistreat me- my x cheated and hoarded our money for himself, my ACs act like I don't exist, now this one who I have let live with me for practically free, cooked his meals, took care of everything in the house inside and out so that he could do things he wanted to do. My heart is broken again, I am so sad and wondering what the point is to life. I am 56 and have always done what I was supposed to do, but why?? Other people don't and they seem better off. My x who was bearly around when the ACs were younger now is part of their life more then I am, and has money to spend (money that should have been mine too), money that if I had I could spend on them too. Now I am barely making it on 18000/yr while BF spends his money and only occassionly gives something for the bills. I thought life was as hard as it could get, but it now seems like a bottomless pit.


Sounds like you know the answer allready.  He needs to be kicked to the curb.  You certainly deserve to be treated much, much better than this.  Make it all about you and go forward and find yourself a new passion and a better life.  You have made changes before and can do it again.


So sorry Kate.  You will have to forgive me for saying this, but I'm still trying to see the bad side of this.  He was spending money how he wanted without contributing?  You were cooking, cleaning and doing everything for him and he still didn't have the courtesy to make a phone call?  He was disrespecting your relationship by his hours he was keeping?

Kate, it sounds like this is a good thing.  You don't need that kind of relationship.  You deserve better.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell


Oh, Kate, I think you need to fine tune your own rules and early detection radar.  From what you write, BF's been doing what he's doing for a while without getting kicked out and he probably took it as tacit consent. 

What can we do to help you make your heart stronger?  Maybe it's time to focus on other things besides husbands and men and AC? 


Kate, my first thought is that a lot of us here put up with disrespectful treatment because we're afraid of losing someone we loved & being alone. But if we continue to put up with it, we lose the first person we should love - ourselves! As painful as it was to contemplate losing a relationship when we were younger, it's scarier to think about being alone when we get to a certain age. Our society keeps telling us that there's an expiration date on us women, but I choose to believe that's not true.

Take this break to regain your center and become empowered again - who knows what wonderful things are out there for you? Maybe there's something or someone right in front of you that you couldn't see because you were involved in the drama of your last relationship.

As far as playing by the rules goes, I sometimes wonder the same thing. DH & I consciously avoided the pitfalls other ILs get into, but the demanding, buttinsky ILs (DIL's FOO) are the ones that get all the attention from DS & DIL. Who knows why? It makes no sense. But what are you going to do? Life goes on.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


Thank you all so much for listening- don't know what I would do without this right now. It is so hard because I do love him- but I don't know why. I can't believe I found the strength to lock the door, I think it came from this site and the strength of the women here. I just hope I can make it through this, it does not feel like it right now.


K. - We make choices and they can't be perfect because we aren't...we're human. Our job is to love ourselves enough to un-make those choices, when necessary.

You matter...a lot. I got, early-on that I didn't matter and maybe you did, too. We may not have contributed to that at all but we can fix "it/us." For a long time I had to keep reminding myself that I am fine just the way I am. I don't need to apologize, change or explain myself. I matter because I do. The same is true of everyone else and so your boyfriend is also fine just the way he is. He's just not your cup of tea. (Whew!) Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


January 25, 2012, 11:15:09 am #7 Last Edit: January 25, 2012, 01:30:18 pm by luise.volta
Search your own heart, Kate, and try and make yourself step away from relationships, until you can get the time to take inventory.  You must be brave to do this.  I learned that fear has been the ruling factor in my own life as far as intimate relationships go - husband, child, foo.  I had a deep engulfing gear of being rejected and abandoned, not that its all gone and good right now, but I know that little devil now and can deal with it when it rears its head, because insane behavior on my part ques me in.  example - just today, dh left for work without telling me goodbye, and gave me a dirty look.  My first feeling was gut sickness, I could sense myself flying ahead in my subconscious to how am I going to make it on my own, how do I deal with another divorce, etc.  all this because he acted like a jerk and gave me a dirty look.  So I phoned him and asked if I had offended him in some way, he can be very childish and petty at times, I know this as I've lived with him for many years, and he explained it was payback for some little thing I said which was completely taken out of context.  So I was polite and am now going about my day.  I know this is a dumb story to read, but I'm giving you an example of guilt motivations and how we stay in very bad relationships and stay entangled in very bad relationships for many reasons other than 'love.' 


This is an aside. I know this thread is serious but what you just wrote, Ruth, reminded me of when my former DH and I used to have a spat before we left for work and he would call me later and say, "I'm so sorry you were bad."
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


touche Luise!   ...and by the way, I meant to type 'dumb story' rather than 'dump story', but maybe it was a freudian slip?


I changed it. I couldn't find a dump in there anywhere!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Yes I definetly (how the heck do you spell that!) have abandonment issues, and the dumb story is so true sometimes. Also right, he is not my cup of tea, we simply are not compatible- he wants what he wants, and I want what I want. I need someone who is here for me, share meals, go places, go for walks- whatever. He has no time, make no time to do things together. I think I am really not his cup of tea at all. I think he does have feelings for me, but wants his freedom. The past few years he mostly comes home late, eats, goes to bed- seven days a week including holidays except for Thanksgiving/Christmas when we usually go to his parents.
I lost myself about five years ago. It was so gradual I did not notice. Then one day I noticed how awful I felt. I used to be so enthusiastic about life -working, taking classes, happy. Now I do nothing and see no one. I have a few people that I talk to on the phone, and this site. I cannot believe how I fell into this for love, trying to be who he wanted me to be.

lancaster lady

hi Kate ....

today is the first day of the rest of your life .....and he doesn't feature in it !
you are worth more than second best !
Some one is out there for you , better than what you have been settling for .
Happy hunting !


About hunting- my friend thinks I should go on-line right away to ease the pain. I feel I should wait until things settle down, but then this pain could use some distraction. Have any of you met your spouse or SO on-line?


My take: Get to know yourself first. To move on to another kind of relationship often requires doing some personal growth and kind of "cleaning out the closets" of your thoughts and emotions about who you are.
Breaking external patterns and preferences often requires breaking inner ones. Don't go hunting for a new guy yet...hunt for "you," first, and you may end up attracting a different kind of partner. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama