I am jealous of my daughter's mother-in-law

[Nana Deborah]

It all started when my first granddaughter was born in May 2009; the mother-in-law stayed with my daughter and her son for over two weeks and she got more 'quality time' with my granddaughter than I did because I could not stay as long as she could.
My daughter and her husband left the country with the military in 2010 and now they are back.  The Mother-in-law divorced and then re-married a man with two younger children; she let her son know on Facebook that she had re-married and he was pretty hurt!
When they got back to the States, they went to visit at the mother's house to pick up my daughter's car, and the snow storms hit and they were stuck, because my daughter had left her car up there with the mother-in-law, because I was not settled yet.  So now they are staying with her and she is getting lots of time with my granddaughter, helping her get potty trained and buying her all of the stuff she did not buy for her birthdays or Christmas (she missed both of them!)  I remembered all of them with cards and gifts for all holidays, even though I was unemployed!  I am the one who encouraged them, was there for both of them when they were deployed overseas.  But now mother-in-law gets all of the quality time and I cannot afford to go up there to visit, so I don't get to see them until May, when the new baby girl is due?  Is she even going to remember her 'Nonna?'  And I was Skyping with my daughter fairly regularly and got to see my grandbaby and now that they are staying with her mother-in-law, all of that Skyping as stopped!  I have not talked to my grandbaby since New Years Eve, when she wished me "Happy New Year, Nonna" in her little 2-yr old voice!
Am I being really silly, or are there more 'forgotten Nonna's" out there?  I do feel forgotten. 

[Pen]

Welcome, Nana D. I'm glad you found us but sorry you are feeling forgotten. Yes, there are many GPs here who have had to deal with feeling "less than" the other set of GPs. I'm sure you'll hear from some of them soon.

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Keep reading and posting! Best wishes to you.

[Pooh]

Welcome Nana D.  You're not being silly.  What you are feeling is normal and you will find many of us around here that have the "green-eyed monster" rear it's ugly head.  It's no fun being the GP/MIL/M whoever who seems to get very little time.  We have to change our way of thinking about it.  Sounds like the situations have caused your DD and family to have more time with MIL.  It didn't sound like there was a fight or anything to cause problems between you?

[Doe]

Hi ND-

That's the impression that I got too - that life is just working on the situation rather than bad feeling between you.    Time, money, distance all tend to interrupt our plans sometimes.

I get the jealousy - my son and DIL chose to move 3 states away to start their family - but whadda ya gonna do?  Keep a cheerful attitude toward them - send Valentines and St Patricks and Easter Cards to your GD.  I think that AC tend to not want to hear our problems and just want our good will toward them.  I imagine with the deployment and return, this family has a LOT on it's plate to deal with and they just aren't thinking about equal time for each GM.

[luise.volta]

These situations where we have to "have it be how it is" can be so terribly hard. We know what we want makes sense and it is so little to ask. Still, the bottom line is that others get to choose and we get to adapt whether we like it or not. They are adults (supposedly.) And when we get past wanting them to change...we find we can change ourselves and heal. Not easy but possible. Sending love...

[herbalescapes]

I think your feelings are natural.  Have you ever been in the situation or seen the situation where one sibling is especially talented athletically/academically/musically/etc and the other is just average?  It's very natural that the average one would be jealous.  The trick is to prevent the jealousy from turning into resentment.  I wish I could say "Just drink this special tea or read this book and all will be fine."

It seems that geography, finances and circumstances have lead to you being the left-out grandmother.  Do you expect your DD to somehow limit time with the other GM to even things out?  Consider that DD is pregnant and caring for a toddler.  Is it a wonder that she hasn't found time to Skype in 3 weeks?  That seems like forever when your out of contact with the gc, but it's not that long in an objective sense.  I lived in the same town as one set of GPs and about an hour away from the other.  I dont' think I was closer or more attached to the in-town ones.  We had different relationships, different memories, but one wasn't better than the other.  And keep in mind, kids are very self-absorbed.  All the adults in their lives are pretty much audiences for them to shine in front of. 

Good luck in building your own, unique, loving relationship with your GCs.

[firelight]

Welcome Nana Deborah,

I don't think you're being silly.  It hurts when we can't see our loved ones and someone else who's been less attentive getting the glory.  However, you will have to change your way of thinking for self-preservation and when you do see them, maybe plan some fun activities and make those memories.  Can you call on the phone and at least talk to your DD and GD and find out if they have access to a computer (maybe why the skyping has stopped)?  Sounds like everyone is in a transitional period of finding a place to live and when they do settle, maybe things will improve again with the skyping. 

Try to find one positive thing every day and send cards to keep in touch if no computer as well as short phone calls.  You could send them a prepaid calling card too if that would help.  I hope this will pass in time but I understand the jealousy.  It's just not fair!  I think it's worse too when it's our own DD and GD as opposed to a DIL and GD for some reason, even though it shouldn't be.

Try to express your love and missing their presence to them when you are able and try to be positive.  I have a feeling it's not easy on DD or SIL during this time, but especially your DD because you are her mom.  Be as supportive as you can and if there's any way to go visit or at least pay for DD and GD to come home for a visit somehow (check around for cheaper flight times, etc).

Seems to me that a wedding announcement on FB is inappropriate for a mom to tell her son.  My dad and his now ex-wife announced their marriage to me, my sister, and her 2 daughters once by" inviting us over to dinner".  They then let us know they got married and we all lived in the same town with the exception of 1 who only lived 45" away.  We all (we daughters) looked at each other and there were obvious looks of surprise and hurt as to not be included..or at least forwarned that they were going to tie the knot.  I'm sure your SIL was hurt also especially to find out on FB where the whole world finds things out at once.  As if he weren't even special.  People do wierd things but they do what they want or at least the best they can at that time.   


Warms thoughts to you Nana D.  Keep posting as you'll find it's very helpful to dump here and be incognito at the same time.  I find that type of security allows for more honesty!   

[lisafox41]

Welcome,
I understand just what you are going through. I am in the same situation in that I don't spend as much time with my GC as their other set of GP's. As others have said, I have worked hard on readjusting my thinking. Because really, the more loving people our GC have in their lives, the better off they are.
I know I have so much to offer my GC. When I see them I try to focus on that, not all the time I don't see them. The memories and security that are created by a GP are not all about the amount of time spent together, rather the quality of that time.
I do still miss them terribly. I don't like this situation, but again, as others have said, I cannot change it.
Just shower those babies with love when you do see them!!!

[FAFE]

My grandson lives about 12 hours from me.  I get to see him, at most, 3 times a year.  His other GP's  live in Japan, so they get to see him once a year.  Granted it is usually for 2 or 3 weeks, and there's no way I can be jealous of that.  But, I so wish I could be a lot closer to him.  We could visit more often but his parents are "way more busier" than anyone else in the world and we have found that visits do not go to well on their turf.  So, I do spend "packages" several times a year and we talk to him once in a while.  I'm thinking about getting Skype, I know they use it with the other grandparents.

So, I guess a bunch of us have a less than ideal situation with the GK's.  Will keep my fingers crossed that things will change soon for you.

[lancaster lady]

Dear Nana

I too was a forgotten Nonna !
The most important thing is to make the most of any contact and 'try' to keep it happy .
Where was your daughter heading when the went to pick up the car ?  Did they have a house of their own ?
I'm sure they will want one when the new baby arrives , and then your invite will come to go and stay with them .
Your granddaughter will remember you ....you're her Nonna !
At the moment the situation is probably crazy for your daughter , not easy when  you're expecting a baby ,
with a toddler , staying with your MIL !
Tell her how much you miss them all and can't wait to see them , don't forget , it's not that they don't
want to see you but that the situation they in are means it's impossible at the moment .
Also you have another one to look forward to .....you are sooo lucky !

[Nana Deborah]

Thank you all so much for accepting me into your group and giving me all of the warm wishes and advice.  I have talked to my daughter and granddaughter (the other day) and it was wonderful.  In her little almost 3 year old voice, she chattered on about her potty training ("I go in the potty") and her 'big girl panties' she is wearing and showed them to me!  LOL  She is as cute as a button and precocious too!  She remembers her 'Nonna' though and told me she loves me.  My daughter says the job that her hubby thought he had fell through (in Tucson, AZ) so they are talking of staying in Utah and he has interviewed up there for a welding position.  If he will have a good salary, they will stay but he has applied for lots more jobs all over the place!  My daughter said that they want their own place.  She is 'spotting' and has had pains, so she is going to the doctors tomorrow (I am praying hard there is nothing wrong!).  She says it is hard staying with other people and she misses her bed.  She told me that her and her Hubby are having a 'date night' out and that Grandma Anne was babysitting (I gritted my teeth and did not say anything!)  LOL  I am trying to apply my training as a woman of patience and love!  It isn't easy, but I do know one thing:  That little child and the one on the way, will not ever forget their 'Nonna' that is MY name-- she is "Grandma'.  LOL 
God bless you all!
Deborah

[firelight]

There, see?  At least they do have 1 grandma that is able to help out and someone who loves the child.  That is so important.  I know your daughter would probably prefer to be closer to you rather than her MIL.  Just be glad they have some support and love.  Till you meet again!  And they are including you in the life events (re: big girl panties!).... hehe

[Pooh]

I think she told you a thousand things in that one statement of how hard it was to stay with other people and wants her own place.  To me, that says they are doing this out of necessity and need the help right now and it has nothing to do with you.  That's good news!