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not welcome around grandson

Started by bettylou, April 15, 2010, 12:09:40 pm

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Bettylou - I think it's great that you're considering alternatives for holiday celebrations.  I think it's good for you to start thinking about the future, when your DD is married too.  Hopefully, after everything she's seen, she'll be spending time with her IL's for holidays too.

For us, my brother and I both live out of town from my parents.  When DB got married, they agreed to alternate Christmas and Thanksgiving, every other year with SIL's family.  When I got married, my Mom asked that we coordinate their 'turn' for Christmas, so that my brother's family and DH & I were there together.  So every other year, my parents spent Christmas at my Aunts house (while we were all at our IL's).

Even then, we're in another state of change, because the DN's are growing up and moving out.  So now when they come "home" for Christmas, it will be to their parents home, not the GP's home.  Luckily, my DB and I are in the same city, Christmas will be in our city and Mom will come and stay with us.

I'm just trying to get you to think of the future - things will always change!


April 20, 2010, 01:41:00 pm #31 Last Edit: April 20, 2010, 01:45:00 pm by elsieshaye
Penstamen, I love the idea of going away for Christmas by myself!  DS has already told me that when he's in college, he's going to spend holidays with friends or traveling, rather than coming to stay with me.  He was pretty firm about it, even though he knows I don't really do holidays and wouldn't insist on his coming back home in any case.  When I asked him why he was so emphatic about it, he said that he thinks his father will expect him to spend every school break with him, and was mostly "practicing" saying no.  At this rate, I'll be a little miffed if DS *does* decide to come to my place for holidays, since I'll be making travel plans, lol. 

ETA:  I do understand being hurt by being treated as an afterthought.  It's very hard to stay open to someone in your life who treats you that way.
This too shall pass.  All is well.


Betty - I've read this thread a couple of times and I can't help but see both sides of this.

Without knowing the extent of your relationship or your history with DIL and just based on what I'vve read here these are my two cents if anyone is interested in them...from the point of view of a DIL with a rough relationship with her own MIL..

I think what you've got is a huge serious of misunderstandings and expectations on both sides that were innocent but mistaken. I actually laughed out loud when I read you gave your DIL a gym membership. I'm still chuckling a bit at that one. I've read a lot of your posts and I truly think you are nice woman, who wants a good relationship with everyone, including DIL, despite the fact that you've been hurt on both sides.

But you have made mistakes. As a DIL, if my MIL was bugging me about being in the hospital, or sent an eamail announcing the birth of my and DH's child, gave me a gym membership after I'd given birth and was heavy, showed up unannounced at my home (if I read that part correctly, where you went and she locked herself in her room - honestly? I probably would have too if my MIL showed up without calling when I had a newborn...) and was pushing to have her teenage daughter baby-sit (I wouldn't allow that either. Not with a newborn)...I can understand absolutely why your DIL has wanted some distance.

However, her reactions to these things are extreme. It sounds like she was so peeved she totally overacted to these things. Her DH is probably empathetic and sees his wife upset, and he's probably annoyed with the whole thing as well, on both sides, and is sticking up for her, as he should. But given the fact that you apologized, and haven't made the same mistake so to speak twice, I think what's needed here is some time for everyone to calm down, regroup, and try and move forward.

I read about how you'll be babysitting - I think that's great. If DIL hated you, trust me, you would NOT have been asked. She trusts you to care for her child - that is MASSIVE. And a huge step forward.

As for the holidays, I think its appropriate to ask your son and DIL (together) something like this (And do it in Novemeber or December - not five months before ): We would love to spend time with you over the hoilidays. If you're busy this year we understand, but maybe we could find a time for all of us to get together that's convinient for you during Chrsitmas?' Something like that. Let them think it over and come back to you. I really hope your DIL is reasonable...

I wish you guys the best!


Quote from: penstamen on April 17, 2010, 12:00:55 am
That's true, Elsie, we don't need to put so much emphasis on the actual day. However, if the feeling that's projected by those who have dictated the schedule is "The real deal was with DILs/MILs family on the real day, and this is a meaningless pity visit" it can be very hurtful. When we don't see DS & DIL at Christmas and then get a fly-by as an afterthought it isn't the same as having a celebration where everyone is involved in sharing happy times with each other.

Of course, in some cases it won't be happy no matter what day it's on; maybe we should save our money and effort and go away for the holidays, alone or with someone who really wants to be with us...Creme does that and loves it!

OMG, do I ever....there are times, I just don't want to be with family....and now, my one sister's husband goes to OHIO to visit his mother...b/c my sister encourages him to do that, since we lost our mother...(ya never know what tomorrow brings)

OMG, I can't tell you how wonderful, peaceful and quiet it is....and the man I rent from always puts up a Christmas Tree....

Honestly, and this is the truth...except for my son, when he was little, I hated Christmas, literally hated it, and I always got so depressed around Christmas....b/c all we ever did was run around to everyone else's home....I was never once allowed to spend one Christmas at home, otherwise, InLaws and Immediate family would have a hissy fit, if I even suggested it (ugh) so, about 13 years ago, I started creating my own Christmas, and went to the Bahama's twice at Christmas...and now I go away, but not quit as long as I'm on the ocean I'm a happy camper. 

It was the most memorable vacation I've ever had...alone, and nothing but the ocean, peace and quiet...

thanks Pen, for remembering and reminding me....


Creme, how could I ever get the image of a peaceful beach in the Bahamas out of my head??? I spent some years as a child living at the beach and miss it so. I have beautiful vistas and amazing sunsets/sunrises, but it just isn't the same.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


Pen, I know and I hear you...I bought a house 2 years ago, and every year, I want to go, but spending that kind of money, isn't logical right now...growing up with the ocean under your skin....well, it's like a distant tug at the soul, isn't it...we went to the beach every weekend, however, nothing compares to the islands...but, I'd take it in a heartbeat...don;t think I'll ever go back to the islands...don't want to fly any more...however, yes, remembering those many days and nights looking out to the horizon, and the evenings at dusk, the sunsets are just beautiful...even the storms...
we're kindred souls, the ocean/seas are simply mezmorizingly beautiful...pssst...(whispering) I think that's where God lives...LOL....


As a post stated...everything is different now.  Having said that I want you to know that I really understand you.  Things were different many years ago.....yes, they were better.  My mother and mother in law were wonderful in-law and grandparents.  I have nothing to say about my mil because she was really nice and supportive.  You Mary Lou are wonderful too.  Dont let anyone convince you that you made wrong choices.  You did what was normal and does not have to be different now.    I truly think that everything changed because our youth changed.  They picture in-laws as terrible people who would intrude in their lives.  And what they did was to put a wall....and not let us in.   They are commiting a huge mistake.....just give them time....and they will see.  They will encounter the same problems.  Parents are over-protective with their first born (you tell me).  I did not get to hold the baby without my dil making faces.  I would come home and would cry like a baby.  She did a lot of nasty things to me and drove me to a real tough depression.  I might sound dramatic but I wanted to die.  Everyone could enjoy the baby more than we the immediate family (my husband, my daughters and me).  My son at first seem not to notice.   When she needed me she started bringing the baby on Fridays so she and son could go to work because it was the day that she wanted her mother to rest of babysitting.  She would come with a big long face and barely said hellow, she would just give instruction and leave.  When she came to pick the baby....she always found fault in something.  When I couldnt take it any longer (it was killing me) I decided to call my son and ask him to come home to speak with my husband and me.  He of course came alone and I told him that I did not want to babysit anymore on Fridays because of all the problems we were encountering.  He agree with us and told us that he had notice all this and that he was not polite to his in-laws anymore because she was disrespecting us. 

Mary Lou...No one has the right to strike us only because they have the power to do so.  They have the power because they have something we want.  So we are in their hands.   So what to do is your choice.  You have nothing to lose because they give you nothing at all.  Step back. 

My story continues in that my son told her everything and she tried speaking to me and she realized that we loved her baby and that we were not trying to be the parents.  We never visited them.  We always waited them to bring the baby.  We never tried to give advice and mostly  WE WERE ALWAYS TRYING TO HELP THEM IN ANY PROBLEM THEY HAD.    sO THINGS ARE DIFFERENT NOW, sHE BRINGS THE BABY TO OUR HOUSE, WE BABYSIT A LOT, SHE IS RESPECTFUL AND EVEN LOVING AND ALL OF THIS HAPPENED BECAUSE WE TOOK OUR CHANCES AND SPOKE OUT.   

I am sorry for the long post but when I was reading your post I was reading my own experience.  I even feel your sister.  I love you and wish the best for you and your family.  May God Bless you always.
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove: