Today All Four of my Grown Children Made Me Cry

[Pen]

Please make sure you update your will & change the locks on your doors.

[Pattipal4]

It is time to put yourself first.  You've raised 4 children. That alone is an amazing accomplishment.  I understand the desperation to help. Unfortunately it won't end.  My 75 year old former mother in law is still paying bills for her 52 year old son.  (my ex).  I broke that cycle with my own children. My 19 year old AD was so nasty and disrespectful, as well as having no regard for my house rules, since about the age of 14,  I just couldn't tolerate it.  She wanted to stay overnight at her boyfriends house and still live at home.  I just said no, I was so done arguing about it that one day when she was already packed from a trip I had taken her on, I didn't let her back in the house. I told her to go live with your boyfriend.  That was 7 months ago.  We've seen each other a few times. Lastly on Christmas.  However she continued to have an attitude and treated me horribly the following day. I actually cancelled the check I had given her for Christmas, which I found out made her checking account overdrawn.  When you aren't nice to people you pay the price for that.  Your son needs to feel the ramifications of his own behavior before he can make better choices.  Why change if mom is going to continue to help?  Tell him,  "I believe in your ability to take care of yourself from now on.  Check in with me in a month and let me know how you are doing.  Because you chose to shove me you crossed a line, and are not welcome in my home until you are invited".  Or something like that.  Then let him go....

[USA Grad mom]

Wow sounds so much like my story except my dd is 27 and yours is 21.  2 of my 3 made me cry all day today too.  I'm sorry u also ate going through this but I'm happy to see I'm not alone.    My greatest fear is if something happened to me will my child be homeless, hungry, etc.  my kids dad is worthless druggie.

[luise.volta]

I know I sound like a broken record but my take is that no one "makes" us cry. We choose being a victim when our expectations aren't met instead of choosing self-respect and getting on with our lives. Is it easy? No way! Is it worth it? You bet! Can any of us do it perfectly? Hardly...but the point is to not give up. Sending love...

[bdwell1904]

Hi everyone-been super busy and just a drive by reader lol. Things are pretty much the same for me. No word at christmas or on my birthday. I survived.

Now I just wanted to say about the original post. First bi polar, and addiction are both illnesses. You can get help for both and live a productive life if you choose. It seems your DC choose to quilt you into doing for them what they should be doing for themselves. As for me I choose the road of worse case scenario. What if I never see them or my GC. What if they die. What if they are homeless. Face your fears and know you CAN be ok. Yes I still wake up bawling at times but you do come to terms with it if you choose to. We all make choices maybe it's time to stop letting your children make yours.

[Sassy]

I'm so sorry for your pain.  I wish I could give you a big hug.

Physical abuse and threats are no joke.  I wish the police were called as soon as your son shoved you and began getting violent in your home.  Assault and battery is a crime.  Domestic violence is a crime.  Because he was hitting you in attempt to get money from you, what he did may also be considered attempted robbery.  He was trying to physically intimidate you into handing him money.

You still can go to the police station and file a report about it.  They may do nothing more than file a report, or, they may investigate and arrest him and send him to jail if they have enough evidence.  That seems to make more sense than getting upset because his brothers refuse to be used as enforcers against the criminal they see you handing cash to, as he commits VIOLENT crimes against you.  For the brothers to agree to do that, would be for them to take part in the codependent-addict dance.

I also suggest talking to someone at the Domestic Violence hotline, about the violence your son 21 brings into your life.  1-800-799-7233.   

Have you ever heard of Al-Anon?  It's for the families of alcoholics.  They have meetings every single day to help people who feel just like you do with your alcoholic son 21.  This huge organization exists just to help folks step off the addict-codependent merry go round.
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

Does son 21 have keys to your home?  Does he know a way to break in?  Do you have alarms in your home?  You can buy very inexpensive easy to install alarms for windows and doors, the kind that sound when the two parts are separated.

Take care of yourself first.  Protect yourself, your home and your safety above all.  This is no joke what happened to you.  I encourage you to take it far more seriously than just trying to enlist your other sons as butchers against him, then to back off him at your behest.  I am extremely worried for your safety.  I am worried for you in your bed tonight. If you can't see how serious this is, and how dangerous a position you are now in, talk to a domestic violence counselor, or maybe even a private counselor.

I am praying for your safety.

[Sassy]

Just to clarify that I understood your post:  your son did come into your home, he demanded you give him money there on the spot, then when you didn't give him money, he began getting violent and he shoved you.  Is this correct?

[Ruth]

There was something else you mentioned, that got me to thinking.  You said, I believe, that your ds 'helps me some in my business'.   I also own business, as do some other ladies here, and it is common for us to have our a/c help out.  You must stop this ds from being involved in your business in any way.  If he has a key, you need to change the locks.  I feel you are not really on top of all the abuses that are involved with your a/c, like Sassy or one of the other ladies, I urge you to pull the plug on the finances, and get some support outside your immediate family, enough to prop you up long enough to pull back from the grown children.  Bi polar is NOT a debilitating illness, there are meds and certainly means to support oneself and build a life with this condition, you are enabling this person to remain an emotional cripple, and setting her up for a life a dependency, not a good thing.   I hope you will get a good counselor and detach yourself emotionally from whatever is getting your needs met by caretaking and leaning too hard on these adult children.  it is not healthy for them, and certainly not for you.  I think (forgive me for being harsh) that it is a cycle that all of you are feeding off of.  If necessary, I'd move across the country, whatever I had to do to make it clear to them that their disdain for you and their viewing you as nothing more than an ATM, as well as your tendency to look to them to defend and validate you as a person,  is over and done.  Until you emotions begin to heal, you can't hold that line, but with help enlisted and a determination to stop this meaness, you can accomplish what the other mothers here have accomplished, or are moving strongly in that direction:  mutual respect with adult children.

your posts were great, Sassy.

[JaneF]

Once again, boy can I relate to these particular posts!  I have to agree with the things being said.  I also have "been there, and done that!".  I also have adult bipolar kids, so I do understand that too.  Luise you are correct in saying what you did about being made to cry.  I played that game, then got smart after many years of being a big dummy!  I had to learn that I needed to stop enabling.  Yes, it's hard when there are grandkids involved.  My kids do not let me see the grandkids as a way to punish me for not giving to them still.  I will survive this as well.  They make their own choices in life, our job is done.  Physical abuse is totally unacceptable by your son.  Glad you found this group, and I sincerely hope you find peace here.  These ladies will offer you honest opinions and support.  It is hard to "not feel guilt" for stopping the enabling, but it really and truly has to be done.  I learned the hard way and it took a long, long time.  My kids never "got better" when I bought them a car, or a house to live in, or helped locate jobs, or gave money...they ultimately got worse.  Why should they do for themselves when someone else will do it for them?  Not any more, time to grow up.  It honestly is for the best, speaking from experience. 

[lisafox41]

My daughter actually seemed to resent the more I did for her. She was angry that she felt dependent on me. The more I helped, the more she resented me for it.

Luise,
If I may ask a question... At times I find myself crying, and you are right- my expectations not being met. But what's the answer? To just not have any expectations of this particular daughter?
I'm working hard at seeing myself as so much more than just a Mom. Work in progress I guess, right?

[luise.volta]

L - Yes, and you are doing great! No one "arrives." We are all learning and growing. I know that crying is sometimes a healthy release but it can also represent self-pity after a while and that just brings more despair. We cry at the injustice of it all and if we don't watch out...we can get stuck there. If we're lucky, the day comes when we accept (but never have to like) injustice as part of life for many of us...and go on. We gather up our dignity, along with acknowledging that others get to choose and learn...and we take out lives back. Sending love...

[PatiencePlease]

Wow!  Sad Mom so much of what you wrote resonated with me and who I was a year and a half ago.  I was concerned with my son's dependency on alcohol and saw a counselor for myself -- I couldn't change him, but I could change how I dealt with it.  I recall the counselor telling me that my son may need to lose everything and be homeless to figure things out.  My heart broke thinking about my son getting to that desperation.  I don't ever remember crying so many tears of worry.

Fast forward to a few months ago.  He did calm down with his drinking and was much better about being responsible with working, but not with his sense of entitlement.  We decided to close the Bank of Mom and Dad.  He was angry, moved out and refused to speak to us.

Well, lo and behold, he found himself homeless within three months and lived in his car for a few days.  A death in the family and his hitting bottom, brought him back home with an apology and a new attitude. 

My point is, as much as it hurt me as his mother (his protector) to let it happen -- he needed to learn the hard way.  I needed to step back and let him do for himself.  He needed to hit bottom to learn a lesson.  So does your son.

I beg you to put yourself first for a change.  You've done your job raising your kids.  Now it's your turn to enjoy your life.  They will respect you for it.  And if they don't respect you, that will be their problem not yours. 

An underlying theme in raising children is letting them go.   Hugs to you as you sort all of this out.  And please be sure to protect yourself against your son's anger.

[Mommy69]

I am so sorry for all you are going through.  I myself am going through such a mess.  I guess we all going through some kind of  mess.  It is hard to not help your children.  It is hard to stop enabling them when you love them.  I am seeking counseling right now because of what I am having to deal with.   I just wonder when enough will ever be enough.  How much do us mothers have to endure before we ever get even a minute of peace?    Just know you are in good company here.  I found this sight not too long ago and have received so''


   me very good advice and it helps to just put things into perspective.  I pray a lot too.  Good luck to you!!