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Glad holidays are over. Tired of being muzzled

Started by Shelby, January 11, 2012, 09:00:58 am

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Pooh

I agree.  I think we all do that with the superficial, co-workers and casual aquaintances.  I think the shame is in when people are having to do this with their own parents, children and in-laws.  To me, these shouldn't be superficial relationships. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Shelby

Quote from: Pooh on January 13, 2012, 05:30:23 am
I agree.  I think we all do that with the superficial, co-workers and casual aquaintances.  I think the shame is in when people are having to do this with their own parents, children and in-laws.  To me, these shouldn't be superficial relationships. 


Pooh, I agree completely.  But I feel it is better to keep it superficial than to express opinions, ask questions, and be accused of butting in.  And it's not like these contacts with DIL and DS are all the time.  A couple of times a year, I can just keep my lip zipped and smile.  Kind of like Miss America, but I'll refrain from giving that wave to the crowds.

Another image has come to mind.  Wallpaper.  When DS and DIL are around, I am wallpaper.  Intentionally. 

tryingmybest

Bingo! My DIL had a home party that I attended in order to keep her happy and ordered some merchandise again to keep her happy, and found the stuff to be of really inferior quality. I happened to mention that fact to DS in passing and promptly had a panic attack thinking I would offend her. I never have had That problem before, always said what I felt no more!

Shelby

Quote from: tryingmybest on January 13, 2012, 08:22:14 am
Bingo! My DIL had a home party that I attended in order to keep her happy and ordered some merchandise again to keep her happy, and found the stuff to be of really inferior quality. I happened to mention that fact to DS in passing and promptly had a panic attack thinking I would offend her. I never have had That problem before, always said what I felt no more!


Join the Wallpaper Club!   ;D ;D ;D

Pooh

Well then there is your answer for yourself.  Now you just have to figure out how to do it without letting it make you feel bad.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Chrisky

Shelby, LOL.  I love it Wallpaper Club.  I should change my name to Mrs. Wallflower.   ::) ::) ;D

Shelby

Quote from: Pooh on January 13, 2012, 10:46:35 am
Well then there is your answer for yourself.  Now you just have to figure out how to do it without letting it make you feel bad.


Pooh - Not sure if you're talking to me or to Trying.  I don't feel BAD about being in the Wallpaper Club.  I accept it.  And it's only for a few days a year.  Not all the time.  I can do it a few days at Thanksgiving and Christmas.  Just like I am accommodating to my parents and FIL.  I would feel BAD --- VERY VERY BAD if I had to act like wallpaper all the time.  I absolutely could not/would not do that.  If DS and DIL lived with us (perish the thought) -- THEY would have to join the Wallpaper Club.  I would not.  ( I don't know how some of the ladies on here have survived having their adult children and in-laws live with them.  I'd probably be up on charges of Murder One if I had a young married couple under my roof.  And then you'd all have to raise money for my bail!  ;)  )    Nor would I take the AC and in-laws on an expensive vacation and act like Wallpaper.  Vacations will be with just me, DH and friends with whom I can kick back and be myself. 

On the other hand, if you were talking to Trying, you can ignore this post!  ;D


Quote from: tryingmybest on January 13, 2012, 08:22:14 am
Bingo! My DIL had a home party that I attended in order to keep her happy and ordered some merchandise again to keep her happy, and found the stuff to be of really inferior quality. I happened to mention that fact to DS in passing and promptly had a panic attack thinking I would offend her. I never have had That problem before, always said what I felt no more!


Trying - this is EXACTLY the kind of thing I mean.  I can comment to a friend that the workmanship on the Brand X product isn't very high quality - and the comment is simply an observation.  That same comment to a DIL - while intended by you as simply an observation is received by DIL or DS as a criticism.  So it is probably not worth making any comment.   So I hope you'll enjoy your membership in the Wallpaper Club  - it is a fun group - the rest of us members are really quite nice and accepting!  ;)

phillek


Quote from: tryingmybest on January 13, 2012, 08:22:14 am
Bingo! My DIL had a home party that I attended in order to keep her happy and ordered some merchandise again to keep her happy, and found the stuff to be of really inferior quality. I happened to mention that fact to DS in passing and promptly had a panic attack thinking I would offend her. I never have had That problem before, always said what I felt no more!


Trying - this is EXACTLY the kind of thing I mean.  I can comment to a friend that the workmanship on the Brand X product isn't very high quality - and the comment is simply an observation.  That same comment to a DIL - while intended by you as simply an observation is received by DIL or DS as a criticism. [/quote]

If I bought something at a home party I don't think I would comment on the poor quality to the host (friend, family, or acquaintance), and I would probably be offended if someone did that to me.  I would put that up there with telling someone their food is gross after they invited you over for dinner.  Even if I think those things, I don't say them, and I don't feel muzzled, just polite.  Not saying you were impolite, as I don't know the whole story or the context, but just suggesting that maybe this isn't a MIL/DIL thing and more of a problem of incompatible personalities - a common problem among ILs I know!

Chrisky

I disagree Phillek.  I get the same reaction from my DIL, and I'm not being impolite, just making a personal observation.  It can happen with everything and anything.  Some examples - they are finishing their basement - DIL says her father is doing it this way, my husband says he was just at a course regarding mould and basements need to be finished in another way to prevent mould.  We are told in no uncertain terms that DIL's father knows what he is doing, after all he did this 20 years ago! So we say fine, we're not saying he doesn't know what he is doing, just that there is new information out now that suggests doing it another way and it's their choice how they do the job.  So DIL gets upset because we suggested another method than what her father does.  Another example - I'm having a conversation with DIL's mother, she says she has stomach problems/ulcers because she internalizes everything and it upsets her.  I say I understand what she is saying, but in my case I'm the opposite, if I'm upset about something I will usually say something, or mention that I'm upset about something.  Well, it gets back to me from DIL that I'm not supposed to say that I'm different or that I handle something in a different way.  I didn't criticize her Mom just mentioned that I'm different.  So, now as Shelby says I've become wallpaper - I just hang there and don't have or am not allowed to have an opinion or make any sort of comment. 

phillek

Chrisky,

Your right, when it's everything and anything, like you are describing, I understand it could get frustrating.  I was just telling Shelby and Tryingmybest that in that particular situation with the home party, I could see how someone might get offended.  Not that they are wrong, just that I can see the other side.

I personally wouldn't be offended by either of the scenarios you described.  My MIL acts offended and defensive if I do or say anything regarding my DS that's different than the way she chose to parent.  It's kind of a reverse of a stereotypical MIL/DIL conflict.  She thinks I'm telling her she was a bad mother or ignorant if I mention anything I do with DS that happens to be different, and I mean Every. Little. Thing.  If I cook DS's carrots the way he likes and not the way she did for DH 35 years ago, she storms off in a huff.  So I just stay mute and try to ignore her.  That's what your basement story reminded me of... and I do feel muzzled.

phillek

I mean't "You're right".  Is there a way to go back and edit your own poor grammar?  :o

Chrisky

Quote from: phillek on January 13, 2012, 05:10:15 pm
I mean't "You're right".  Is there a way to go back and edit your own poor grammar?  :o

I don't know, there must be but  I haven't figured that out yet.

luise.volta

There used to be an edit option but is was grossly misused. People, not just one person, removed whole sections of what they had posted if and when a discussion followed and it was too confusing to try to follow. 

I think we can get into personalities when we talk about who is willing to do "wallpaper" and who isn't...and maybe even why. I seems to me that some of us are more outspoken than others...it's just our nature. Some do the silent thing to be polite...some out of fear...others for reasons even they may not be aware of...attention? Each set of dynamics is different. Reactions vary. I, for one, react differently in different situations and may be outspoken at times and then at other times...mute. That can be more about me and how I feel at that moment than about what is transpiring. We may have to just agree to disagree on this one.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

tryingmybest

Phillek, I respectfully disagree, I wanted to make an observation because jI won't be attending any more home parties for that product, and if she plans to continue to give them she should know the product someone else made and is selling isn't the best. It is in no way
similar to criticizing something someone made for dinner. bTW a big part of my complaint is one item is still on back order, the party was October 28th, and the item was intended as a Christmas gift. I had a valid complaint, and just because she is a daughter in law doesn't mean she doesn't have to hear it.

luise.volta

Ladies...we have pretty much covered this one. Lets move on. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama