Husband Ill

[kathleen]

Pooh, Anna, Hope, Elsie,

Bless you again.  Pooh, I got a lot out of your story about the lady with cancer and the co-worker.  I, too, very much dislike hypocrisy.  All the woman was doing by trying to be kind (too late) to someone she'd abused was trying to get out of her own guilt. 

It has to occur to my son and DIL that something bad could happen to a 70-year-old father.  It did happen to one of my son's friends a few years ago when his dad died of a very sudden heart attack.  So they know. 

I have now given this a great deal of thinking-through, since the immediate crisis has ended.  Pooh, you originally said it was going to add stress for us at an already bad time.  This is true.  But in the end, I have to conclude that my son and DIL just don't care or don't want to be bothered.  Also in the end, it has to be up to my husband and he doesn't want to reconnect with them. 

My husband says he very often reads obituaries where there are several surviving children and some remain close and then you will read that one lives in Timbuktu---indications of possible estrangement.  Perhaps one child feels like odd man or girl out.  I know I felt that way in my family, as far as my mother.  I hope I didn't inadvertently make my son feel that way.  You work very hard as a parent to treat each child equally.  Sometimes, do we treat one unfairly and not know it?  Something went wrong to make this son believe it is fine for him to walk out of the family and remove his child, our granddaughter.   Before I die, I'd like to know the whole truth.

But my husband gets very upset with me when I start to blame myself.  He reminds me how hard I worked and always tried to put my boys first, abovework or anything else.  There was a time when my husband made a career move he didn't want to make, and I thought of not going with him as I didn't want to move to the new location.  Then I thought about my boys not growing up with their father, and I went.  I'm not a Pollyana or a martyr, but I did try to put them first. 

I hope we may continue this discussion over time as to what to do in a serious family crisis about absent children.  I imagine, though, that as with
what to do about a terminally ill loved one, the final decision about reconnecting has to come from the individual in the family most affected, in this case, my husband.

I will never forget the bookends that greeted me during the time of anxiety:  on the one side, a continuation of the long, Arctic silence; on the other,
hot tears of joy from my youngest son embracing his father, that his father would be OK.  Quite a difference, isn't it?  How would anyone ever know they grew up in the same family?

Baskets of flowers,

Kathleen

[Hope]

Kathleen,
I'm sorry that I fell behind and just saw this thread.  I'm so happy for you and your family that your dh is going to be all right!  It choked me up to read how your ys responded to the good news (and your os's long distance response).  I'm doing the happy dance, too!  I think you handled the situation very well - good for you! 
If you or one of your immediate family members are faced with a terminal illness in the future, I feel that telling your middle son would be the right thing to do.  It would give him the opportunity to make ammends if he chooses.  I realize that you would be putting your feelings out there to be stomped on at a very vulnerable time, but if it were me, I'd rather take that chance than to wonder the rest of my life if I did the right thing.  If you do choose to inform him, please put on your armour.  You may need it.  But for now, celebrate life!   
Hugs, Hope