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I have been invited to Son's house

Started by Marilyn, April 15, 2010, 05:15:11 AM

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Marilyn

I know Anna............it really is a no win situation................i figure its best,for ys to call and offer...........then it's os choice.............i really dont think he will come over,but he can wish me happy mothers day.................if he calls here,I'm not home..........when i return phone call,i will have to tell him where i was................or lie..............if i tell him i was up there........he would get mad,and say why didn't you tell me..........if i lie.........i would feel awful........i have never lied to him,and wouldn't

Marilyn

Thank you Anna,thats all i want,just to enjoy Mothers Day.

alohomora

There's nothing wrong with you telling ODS 'hey I know you're busy and that's no problem. Just wanted to let you know YDS invited me to such and such, of course you are all welcomed to join us but we already know you are busy.'

A nice gesture may also be to send DIL some flowers or a nice card, letting her know you recognize its her day too.

Marilyn

alohomora,that would be a very nice gesture............unfortunately,DIL decided no more gift exchange,for b-day,Mom-day,christmas.........because it was to expensive after they had kids.Only gift exchange for GC...........this i know for a fact,my son did not like.............they had a big argument over it.I was ok with it.

What they dont know,DIL's sisters Mom and i are good friends.It's heart breaking for her and me both...............because they still buy for DIL's Mom,and family.It hurts like crazy!

But it's the money thing with them,they have it..............i dont. :'(

money doesn't make you who you are..............i know and God knows,i'm rich in charactor and humanity

alohomora

MIW - you mentioned asking them to take vacation days for the summer BBQ - that might have been the crux. Why don't you go down there on a week-end and do it on a saturday, somewhere close to them? Ask them to choose the weekend that's convinient, you could stay with YS.

The no gift thing is touchy. In my family it took YEARS to get this right, maybe a decade of messy hoildays. My one sister and her family HATE christmas gift giving. I love it. Others think gifts should be under $20. etc!

Two years ago we made an agreement. Money comes and goes. What we do now is this - if you have money, feel free to spend it. If you're broke, them make a batch of cookies, knit a hat or booties, whatever. Its the thought that counts. And I lvoe giving people gifts. So far so good. No hurt feelings on either side it seems, from those of us with or without. And I loved the cookies as much as I loved the expensive purse I got. :) Maybe if things improve with DIL, this might be workable?

Marilyn

Alohomora,i ask them to come visit,or have a holiday here,so GC know what it's like at Grammas house.Their reply,it's to hard for just a weekend.I suggested maybe taking a vacation day or two,so it would make it easier on them.This i mentioned even before GC were born.

I love giving gifts,my DIL loves giving gifts.......this i do know about her.
Why our side was cut out of gift giving.........i really dont know........well,i was and YS was.......ex was not told,he found that out from YS and me,why they didn't tell him?...........ex always gave......500.00 a piece.I always bought what they would tell me they would like to have,YS has been struggling for years,a lot of collage debt,and has trouble managing money too.But struggles,and making progress.He might buy some thing small,or some thing very nice it has varied,what he can afford.One year all he could aford was a card,i was not offended at ALL!just spending time together was the best gift i could have recieved.DIL,made nasty comment,how much they spent on him........"shallow"was my thoughts of her comment.

YS lives 10-15 min away from OS,for the last two years,he has not been invited to GC b-day parties.
Why?probably because he doesn't have much money for a gift...........i'm not sure,just assuming.

They still do gift exchange with DIL's family,they all love giving gifts too.

My ex said,they hurt them selves,by cutting YS and me off............because he was not told,he was not still giving the 500.00 apiece to them.Why cut off every one but him?He said,that just gives me more money to give to YS who struggles.Last christmas,and i am laid off,i still bought what DIL requested for GC.........she never said,i know your laid off get what you can afford,just gave me the list...........i bought,but gave most of it to YS to give to GC.OH,how he appreciated that!..........And the pleasure i recieved from making him feel good and GC.YS told me what an awsome Christmas he had.The money i save from not buying OS and DIL gifts......i too spent on YS,who could really use and needed it more any way.Oh,how i love.......when some one trys to hurt me,make me feel un worthy.................find more pleasure,in helping some one else feel good and worthy,than receiving a gift..............that was a much better feeling,better to give than recieve..........soooooooooo,true.





Pen

Anna, it is sad. There's no sense of fairness or give and take in some of these situations.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

alohomora

Why not have invite them over, say, the Saturday before the holidays for a special holiday feast?
It's nice I think to have a holiday memory with the grandparents - doesn't matter WHOSE house its in so long as everyone can be together.  As long as we can spend time with the ones we love over the holidays, that's all that should matter.

Anna - I don't think DIL told you what YOU can and can't do - I think what she's doing is telling you what SHE and her family are going to do. You are welcome to serve Christmas dinner at your house if you want - but she and her family will be at their house, where (hopefully) you're welcomed to join. Nothing wrong with that. I hope she didn't say it to you in a nasty way - but starting new traditions for their family is up to her and DH. I do hope they include you in some way.

MIW - that's too bad about the gift giving - frankly it *does* sound ridiculous and a double standard. I wonder if you're not being told something here - like DIL told her husband its his job to do gifts with his family and she's refusing to do it, and that's what lead to it or something?? There may be issues between your boys as well - is it possible YS has borrowed money from them, or asked for nice gifts, and that's caused some rift you may be unaware of? I think I wasn't clear early - why couldn't you go down to their area and spend a Saturday BBQ with the extended family? That way they don't have to leave their town. 

willingtohelp

Anna, your DIL can choose to have a Christmas dinner at her house.  You can choose to decline and have one at your house.  Your S and DIL can choose whether or not to attend if you choose to invite them.  My point is there are choices.  Your son and DIL are adults and can decide where, when, and how they want to celebrate the holidays.  And if they feel that their children are best served having Christmas at their home for whatever reason, be it good or bad, that's their right to do so as parents.  You, as an adult, can choose to join them if invited or to decline.  And you, as woman of your house, can have a dinner whenever you want.  You don't need DIL's permission to have one.  You just can't require their attendance. 

luise.volta

Wonderful take on it, Clover.

I wrote one time to my son that "I had no choice" and he responded, "You always have a choice, Mom. You just may not like the consequences." Since then, I have looked at all options and followed through, successfully, with some really tough ones.

Hang in there, Anna! Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama