I have been invited to Son's house

[Hope]

MIW - I'm so sorry about your financial hardship.  At this time the economy has caused a lot of people to lose their jobs through no fault of their own.  Eventually something will come through for you - and things will start looking up!  Stay strong and know that there will be brighter days in the future - you will be a stronger person for what you have lived through.  Keep the faith!  Things are bound to get better.  The move to live closer to your best friend sounds like a great idea.
Hugs, Hope

[Mystic]

It is in the top folder.  I read it and it is so sad Hope!

[Hope]

Thanks, Mystic.  Are you referring to Daybyday's post?  I found it and, yes, it is heartbreaking.  I hope we can be of some comfort to her.  Take care.
Hugs, Hope

[1Glitterati]

Luise,Postscript,Glitterati,Creme,any one else have some input?

I say go and see your younger son.  No, you don't need to tell your older one you're coming.  If your younger one passes it on (but why would he since they never return his calls?) then ok.

If you let your ods know you're coming...there might be the assumption that this is someway to get around them saying you couldn't come see them right now.  From posts...I know that is not what it is as the yds specifically invited her---but there is a likelihood that that is how it will be perceived.

And, if it means you can't go in June...honestly?  Oh, well, too bad for them.  Why should you NOT see your younger son?  Especially when he asked you to visit.  The roommates can work out something to make room for you...or you can take your yds's bedroom and he can sleep on the couch.

I say go have fun with the son who invited you.  If the ods gets (sorry...can't think of a more refined word to convey what I want) pissy...tell him that you  simply came because yds invited you, and he (ods) had already said he was too busy at that time.  Honestly...you don't really owe him an explanation at all. 

[Hope]

Great post, Glitter!  It's always good to get a dil's point of view and I really hadn't thought of the assumption that mil is trying to get around ods/dil's decision.  That makes sense! 
Take care and big hugs, Hope

[Marilyn]

Thank you Glitterati,thats what i'm so afraid of,what my DIL will do.She is very demanding,and controlling.

Thats why i needed some input.I was going to leave it up to youngest son,if he wanted to call him or not.When i told YS what they emailed me and said.His first words were....."sorry if i offend any one"...........Screw them! I'm your son too,and you know they will have some thing big planned for DIL's Mom.You could of been a big help with the GC if they had so much going on.And it will do you a lot of good to get out of the house.

If he decides to call,they wont pick up the phone.........he will leave a message.
If he doesn't call back or show up................it really tells me where i stand,dont you think?

[Carmexx]

I agree that you don't need to give your OS an explanation about you going over, MIW, but perhaps just to keep the peace you could send an e-mail to OS just saying something like, "I'm sorry it's such a busy time for you, and I'd love to see you in June once everything settles down, but this month I'm going to visit YS and spend some time with him. See you next month!"

That might show them that you still want to see them but that you're moving on and having other plans. What do you think?

[Marilyn]

Anna,it's the control thing........my DIL takes it to the extreme.Her domineering personality,makes it virtually impossible to see things like most other people.Everything they do is geared to their own needs and woe betide anyone who tries to stop them getting what they want.


Carmexx,i did send my OS an email saying i understand.What i wrote is in this thread some where.

[willingtohelp]

I think what Carmex is saying is to write him and tell him you're going to go visit YDS and that you look forward to seeing him in June.  That way you establish that you're not trying to go around them but that you're just accepting an invitation extended by your yds.  I think this could all go really well or really bad depending on what happens....here's what I mean.

Let's say you send the email telling your son that you look forward to seeing then in June, that his brother invited him to spend the weekend with him, so you'll be in town if they need to get in touch with you, and that you wish him well.  Then you go see your YDS, have fun, and go home.  ODS realizes that you were just going to see YDS, maybe even gets a bit jealous that you didn't bug him to see him, and all is well if not better because now ODS wants you to come visit him, too. 

But let's say that you don't tell them you're coming.  And that YDS decides he's fed up and he's going to call his brother and tell him off or tell him he better do x or y.  And that your ODS and DIL have already made plans at Chez Fancy Restaurant for Mother's Day that now your ODS wants to cancel or cut short or try to redo the reservation or whatever.  Stress, stress, and more stress.  Which leads to anger and hurt feelings all around.  You feel like your ODS doesn't want to see you, your ODS feels like you're ambushing him by coming and having YDS call to yell/demand/invite him to come (even if you didn't tell YDS to do any of this), your YDS feels like ODS won't listen to him and that by your ODS choosing to do something with his wife for Mother's Day is an affront to him and you instead of just a choice, your DIL has her plans thrown into chaos and to be honest loses a bit of her Mother's Day limelight (and relaxation) if it becomes a "visit everyone" day, and no one wins. 

You need to find a way to make the first outcome more likely than the second, and the best way to do that, IMHO is transparency.  Tell ODS that YDS invited you to come down.  Tell him that you totally understand that he's busy and you look forward to seeing him in June, and then go see YDS.  And I find the less pressure you put on someone to see them, the more interested they are in arranging a visit. 

[Marilyn]

Clover,my Ys was not going to pressure him to come over.He was just going to let him know that he invited me to come spend time with him.That if he could break away for a few hours on Mothers day that would be great,if not that was fine too.We never pressure him.

All this worrying about what every one might think,or feel has really took the pleasure and excitement out of going.I always worry about every one else.And my feelings, wants and needs or never met.

I really dont think my OS would be jealous,but you have a good point.He will know i'm there,and if he chooses to get in touch thats his choice.But to tell them if they need to get in touch with me i will be at YS house........well,he never trys to keep in touch.

My OS never initiates contact with any of us any more.Every single time i go visit,and they get plenty of notice.......4-6 weeks,DIL always plans things with her family.Years ago when i did go for Christmas,DIL's family was always there,my OS would say,Mom when her family leaves,we can do our Christmas exchange and our thing as a family.That meant me,ys,os and DIL.Every  one would leave except DIL's Mom and Dad........they always go to bed by 7,always!DIL's family made fun of them because they went to bed so early.But never on Christmas eve! They would stay so long,after every  one else left, hovered over us when we did our gift exchange,then would leave.I always felt like they just wanted to know what we gave for gifts just to try and out do us.I would be very uncomfortable,and so was my YS.
If i give them notice,i'm sure DIL and her Mother will make sure they have a full day planned.

But what you said does make a lot of sense,it might be the best out come.

Luise,Glitterati,any one else............what do you think?

[willingtohelp]

Just to clarify, I don't think you will pressure ODS, I think YDS will because he sounds pretty upset by his brother's behavior.  What I worry about is YDS writing or calling ODS, telling him to shape up and come see you, and you getting blamed for putting YDS up to it even though you didn't. 

[Marilyn]

Well,i'm sure DIL will think that.

What about.......ys calling and telling him,that he was dissappointed when he heard i wasn't coming up.So he invited me,because he still wanted to spend Mothers Day with me,and wanted to extend the offer to him,to come join us,if he could.If not we both understood.

[willingtohelp]

I think that would be fine. 

[Marilyn]

Thanks clover!

Thats how we will handle it.

[1Glitterati]

HOnestly, I wouldn't say anything to ods.  Not from you or yds.  Ods already said he didn't have time.  He's already given his answer.  Go with that.  Plan a day with your younger son and enjoy it.