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Problems with my F-MIL

Started by Sassy, August 12, 2009, 09:29:22 AM

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SunnyDays09

I wish!  LOL.  Synthroid is a synthetic med for people with underactive thyroids.  My dd had half of hers removed at 19.  She just moved back after a nasty separation/divorce (and  finishing some univeristy classes) and I am helping her get put back together.  (She went from 165 to 210 pounds with the wrong meds). 

  Candice is pretty good for television decorators.  I would like to see the rooms six months after her crew leave.  I also want to know the final bill. 

 

chickiebaby


I have a friend and it just tears my soul up to speak this but her grown daughter, who was the light of her life, took her own life just a few weeks ago. We don't know what happen, she left no note but was in a troubled marriage. The only thing we know is that she lived away from here and had lost her job.  Her Mother, my friend, is well off and would have moved Heaven and earth for this light of her life.  The Daughter knew her Mother would be there for her but why?  Why did she not go home to her Mother who loved her so much?  My friend is a shell, just a shell.  She can't speak of it. I understand that because sometimes things hurt so much that to speak it, just makes it real.  My husband put his hand on her shoulder the other day and she collapsed in his arms. 

It's more than wonderful that you are there for your Daughter, HappyDays.  Right where we Mothers always are.

Sassy

September 10, 2009, 06:36:28 AM #32 Last Edit: September 10, 2009, 06:40:36 AM by Sassy
Chickiebaby... yes, to Depression.  All we can comfort ourselves with is that she was in such pain this was her seeking relief and we hope she has it.

chickiebaby

No, did you hear or have a similar tragedy?

chickiebaby

I am so sorry. I hope her family is dealing with this better than our friend.  You never get over it, I'm certain of that

SunnyDays09

Sassy I so understand that statement.  I lost a man I loved dearly to depression/suicide.  Within a year of my divorce.  He was the love of my life.  I didn't realize the demons that haunted him so.
   It knocks the wind out of me still.  He did it while we were having an argument. I didn't know what depression was.  I didn't know he was sooo troubled.  I had no idea.  He had just turned 21.  Right after Christmas.  Nothing could have prepared me for what was to unfold that day.  Of horrific proportions. 

  My dd has had issues with severe depression during the break up of her marriage.  The weight gain caused by her inactive thyroid caused him to return to a girl from back home.  My dd found the text message on his cell that claimed she - the old gf - still had feelings for him.  It was devastating.  Her life was turned upside down.  She was over 800 miles away from her family.  But she had a credit card from us to use for travel home ANYTIME the spirit moved her. 
  On one of her visits she left her most loved companion, her poodle with us.  She could not take care of her.  She had to move out of her beautiful condo into a rented room built onto a home (a nice million dollar home ok. but just a room!)  Full classes at school.  Working like crazy to get money to pay for everything.  And for the first time - bars.  Drinking.  Heavily at times.  It was a time in my memory I wish to put away.  I was so worried for her.  Good news is she is home and thriving once again.  Even eliminated his name.  It's all good, now.
   

Chickiebaby - I am so sorry for your friend.  This is so tragic.  When the sadness is turned inward there is no escape.  Now it's for your friend to make sense of it all.  Prayers for her. 

chickiebaby

HDs, what a thing to have put on your shoulders at such a young age!! Who knew anything about someone taking a breakup that hard back then?   Seems as though we dated people, broke it off, dated others. Nothing happened. 

Sometimes people, though we have no clue which one, take it as the last blow and one they can't get over.  Such a tragedy. 

What joy it is for your daughter to have a soft place to fall, YOU.  What would she do without you?  That's the thing with our friend, her Daughter knew her Mother would have been there all the way.  I guess depression took her away.  No one here can stand to think about it.  Some of us have nerves of steel and others of us don't.  The least thing can take us down.  Just like Candles in the Wind.

Poor Princess Diana...I think of her and how she must have felt so many times.  I didn't know her but I could empathize wih her.   She had asked her brother if she could bring her kids to the estate where she is buried now for just a relief from the press.  He told her, "no, there would be too much publicity"  I think that just left her with nowhere to go.  She had it all but really, not much at all.  Hard to believe.  I sure loved her.

Sassy

I'm reading a book called "Silent Grief: Living in the Wake of Suicide."   It's to help the "suicide survivors" with the overwhelming guilt and feelings of responsibility.  If it is helpful, I will pass it along to her mom.  She doesn't seem ready to read yet.  She's still in shock and denial.

This experience also colors what we are going through with fMIL.  Already I have felt so responsible for so many of her emotions.  Reading about personality disorders and illnesses, probably she has something (one person here suggested Borderline) not sure what, but her distress is so worrying.  She gets very, very upset if she found out we did something simple without telling her first (like visit someone and mention it afterwards).  So that disproportionate reaction to the unimportant, makes sadness about important things on the same level. And some things she seems to set up for herself (waiting outside my front door) to be sad. I don't know how to explain it right.  Is it Depression.   Is it just Dramatics (what my friends say). Its something and I don't know how to help her.  My Fiance says his mom's always been like this and she escalates in his transition periods (when he moved out, got a new job) so the wedding and buying a home is no surprise.  This book should have some insight about our responsibility and limits, in general.

I'm so sorry for all the people here who had to go through this!

Depression is real and it's fatal.  The cause of death may be listed as "accident" or "overdose" or "intentional self-harm" but the real cause is often the disease Depression.   We try and think like if she had burns over most of her body or was wracked in physical pain perhaps we would understand it better?  Just pain she could not take and could not heal and had to stop.

just2baccepted

From what I've heard suicide rates may be climbing.  My sister who has Borderline Personlaity has tried to commit suicide three different times.  Its very scary to our family when she does this.  Usually she just spends time in a mental hospital.

Sassy that sounds like a good book.

AnnieB

This is all so sad and somewhat scary.  Suicide is so..final.

Years ago, I belonged to a group of women who had, for one reason or another, lost or relinquished custody of a child to the child's father.   This was back before it was socially acceptable -- if it ever really is... I think we still get labeled as "bad mothers", even if we did that because at the time it was best for the child.

Anyway, one of the mothers in the group was so sweet, quiet, soft spoken.  She'd gone through a horrible custody battle and lost custody of her kids.  I think her husband had more money and she had a history of depression, which worked against her.   She committed suicide by gun, which was a double shock -- most women use gentler forms.     I also had an aunt who after 40 years of marriage to my abusive uncle killed herself, leaving a note saying "you are finally getting what you want".   

The reasons are just unknown and heavy duty.  I think people don't often share with others when they are seriously thinking about suicide... but how do you know when someone is threatening as a ploy and when they are not?  I think advice I've always heard is you always take it as if it serious.   What a terrible place for a family to be in -- if it is a threat or if it is carried out.   :'(


SunnyDays09

  It is a terrible tragedy. 
I not only know of my boyfriend dying that way but two different men in our neighborhood due to financial problems, two young male friends of my son *over a lost love --  a 19 year old neighbor (yes three neighbors!), a brother of an old friend of mine and a neighbor's son from a street I grew up on that we remain in contact with.  My God, eight people in all!  It seems senseless to me but as it was said a way out of despair for them. 

luise.volta

On my Q and A website, I never respond to questions that involve mention of suicide. I always tell them I am not qualified (because I'm not) and try to redirect them to a crisis line, pastor or doctor.

I have personally felt like I didn't want to stay on the planet a few times (when I was much younger) but then, things always changed and I was again glad to be here. I have no idea how it would feel if I saw something as unbearable and non-reversible.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

AnnieB

September 10, 2009, 10:15:38 AM #42 Last Edit: September 10, 2009, 10:17:35 AM by AnnieB
Makes me feel so sad... I wish I could give anyone even thinking of it a hug and the phone number and tell them... this too will pass.... I would consider it for medical reasons only except for the aftermath on family.... 

this too will pass


“    One day Solomon decided to humble Benaiah Ben Yehoyada, his most trusted minister. He said to him, "Benaiah, there is a certain ring that I want you to bring to me. I wish to wear it for Sukkot which gives you six months to find it." "If it exists anywhere on earth, your majesty," replied Benaiah, "I will find it and bring it to you, but what makes the ring so special?" "It has magic powers," answered the king. "If a happy man looks at it, he becomes sad, and if a sad man looks at it, he becomes happy." Solomon knew that no such ring existed in the world, but he wished to give his minister a little taste of humility. Spring passed and then summer, and still Benaiah had no idea where he could find the ring. On the night before Sukkot, he decided to take a walk in one of the poorest quarters of Jerusalem. He passed by a merchant who had begun to set out the day's wares on a shabby carpet. "Have you by any chance heard of a magic ring that makes the happy wearer forget his joy and the broken-hearted wearer forget his sorrows?" asked Benaiah. He watched the grandfather take a plain gold ring from his carpet and engrave something on it. When Benaiah read the words on the ring, his face broke out in a wide smile. That night the entire city welcomed in the holiday of Sukkot with great festivity. "Well, my friend," said Solomon, "have you found what I sent you after?" All the ministers laughed and Solomon himself smiled. To everyone's surprise, Benaiah held up a small gold ring and declared, "Here it is, your majesty!" As soon as Solomon read the inscription, the smile vanished from his face. The jeweler had written three Hebrew letters on the gold band: gimel, zayin, yud, which began the words "Gam zeh ya'avor" -- "This too shall pass." At that moment Solomon realized that all his wisdom and fabulous wealth and tremendous power were but fleeting things, for one day he would be nothing but dust.

luise.volta

I like that "lopsided." What I mean is: it helps me a lot when something tough is going on...but when my budget comes out OK...or when I'm eating ice cream or when something else is extremely rewarding...I don't want to think about it then!  ;D
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama