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Problems with my F-MIL

Started by Sassy, August 12, 2009, 09:29:22 AM

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just2baccepted

Luis I hope I am there in the same spot that you are!  Feeling good about myself and just enjoying life.

luise.volta

That's sweet and the truth is...if you are "there" now, you will be then.  :)
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

SunnyDays09

September 02, 2009, 06:52:13 AM #17 Last Edit: September 02, 2009, 06:55:23 AM by HappyDays09
Quote from: Sassy on August 12, 2009, 09:29:22 AM
Hi ladies, I'm Sassy and I posted here a few months ago looking for ideas abut how to make my Future MIL happy.

Everyone was so nice to me.  You gave me great hope that I was doing the right things.  And when things took a turn for the worse, I wanted to have something good to share here before I came back.  Sadly, I don't.  :-[

Background:  My boyfriend/fiance was raised by a single mother who did a wonderful job. He moved out at 19, now has a great career (as do I), and he always did whatever he could to help his mom out. When we got engaged, she wanted me to be very, very close to her.  I tried. I spent more time with her than anyone else I know, besides him. She expected more from me than my friends, sister, or even my own mother (daily calls or texts, weekly plans, drop ins, input into personal decisions) and got quite upset when I couldn't meet them all.  She began to complain about me to their relatives, and it all came back to us.  My boyfriend did not like his mother saying things he felt were quite untrue about me, to people he loves and hangs out with (aunt and cousins).

Since the last time I wrote, my BF had "a talk" with his mom.  As I wrote before, I did not want him to, as I thought it was Step 3 on Prissy's list.  But HE wanted to do.  He did not like his cousins repeating back to him, whatever his mom had said to their mom about me.  He told her: "Mom, I love you and you are always in my thoughts" (thank you Prissy).  And he asked her "Out of respect for me, can you not say things about my future wife to the family.  Sassy loves you, and she's trying to include you in her life.  But you make it hard when you're always upset with us.  We see you on Saturday, and you're upset if you don't get Sunday too.  We need to have 'boundaries' (yes, sigh, that is the word he said) and I hope you can respect that."  He also asked her to call before she'd come over, he asked her not to tell people all I care about is money, he asked her not to tell people I was keeping him from her.

Well, after that talk, things got even worse.  (No surprise, I know).  She cried to his Aunt, Uncle, his elderly Grandmother, and even the cousins themselves, and told them all how I was trying to turn him against her.  That everything was fine and he had "no problems" with his her, until I came along.  That now she's expected to "act like a stranger" by calling first.  That now she spends holidays "all alone" because of me (we went away Memorial Day and 4th of July weekends to a romantic cabin). Which is all probably true, from her point of view. I dont doubt she feels that way. 

But I didn't try to "cause" a problem!  I didn't want to take my BF "from" anyone; he was a single man.  We just want to be alone sometimes, or with other couples our age on Saturday night "date night".  Weekend lunches are not enough for her. She got very kealous any time we saw my family.    I think the problem is she felt left out when she couldn't spend every Saturday and Sunday with us, long weekends away with us, and he didn't have the time and money available to give to her that he once did. 

This is how I was afraid she would react to any talk.  Well, my BF got even more angry when all of her new stories came back to him.  When his elderly Grandmother called him and cried "How can you do this to your poor mother, throw her away just to make a gold-digger happy" he had enough. (We both make good salaries).  He contacted his mother and explained that disrespecting me that way, was disrespecting him.  And he told her until she could learn to respect us both, he didn't want to spend time with her.  She's upset him too much for him to be around her. 

They have not spoken for about a month now.  She calls us both, texts, emails, rings the doorbell, and he's asked me not to respond, so I haven't.  He says he told what she needed to do to be in our lives, but she won't.  He said he will handle her, when he is ready.  He won't take her calls, because he still is hearing what she's still saying about me.  The younger cousins understand, but the older relatives don't seem to.

Thank you for reading this far!!

My new problem:  We are going to be married in October, we are sending out out invitations - and HE does not want to invite his mother to our wedding!!!   >:(

I do!  Everyone will think its me who doesn't want her, or who's telling him not to want her.  Because that has been the story and this action will "confirm" it.  He said she does not respect him, his marriage, she is not happy for him, and he knows she will ruin his day and our day and our guests' day with her stories and tears.

I am trying to respect his choice as my future husband, but I am feeling terrible again. He is right about how she will act.  She will scream and cry and say the things she thinks about me from her point of view.  And to my relatives as well, since they'll be there.   He just wants to move on, and says he refuses to "let her misery" make things bad for us.  But I feel like if he doesn't invite his own mom, then I am the DIL she says I was but never tried to be.  He's asking me to let it go, and let her go, because he needs to right now. 

What should someone who wants to be a great DIL do??

  You are right Sassy.  You must invite her.  But from the others opinions on some of your posts I agree as well there is something deeply troubling this woman.   You sound like perfection to me.  ALmost dream like!  LOL  I would have LOVED to had a dil 1/4 of what you are! 
   There is something else going on here.  Quite possibly some mental issues that are more apparent.  Why she is practically moving in or feel a need to do so is what is so unsettling.  She does need help.  Really.  Nothing you or her son says is going to matter. 
    She is becoming quite good at manipulation.  Young or old many people choose this scenario instead of reason!  It is most important to her that she has all the control. 
  I would be sure to have your bf alert family she may just be having some difficulty dealing with her son growing up and leaving the nest.  That they don't need to report back to him with every detail.  If she is bothering them they will need to handle it.  But neither one of you need to know what was said by her to whom or when.  Reassure them.  You are not being unkind.  You are just trying to cut the cord and she is having trouble with this.  She should have her own friends.  Her own life.  Leave yours alone.
   Sounds to me everyone is concerned for her health and well being.  She isn't being hurt or abused.  Family should maybe just tell her to go seek help for her insecurities.
  And maybe ask her what she had to put up with with her future mil? 


Sassy

September 02, 2009, 01:12:58 PM #18 Last Edit: September 02, 2009, 01:17:13 PM by Sassy
HappyDays, thank you for your kind words and insight. I did post a more recent thread called "Talked to our minister about F-MIL" with updates.

I am letting my Fiance lead the way on this at this point.  Its his mother-son relationship that I have to respect. I am not a very good bridge, I'm afraid.

Oh, and Luise's son, builder of this website put a "Glow" option for writing posts.  It is the green G button, about 6 buttons to the left of the "Quote" button.

SunnyDays09

September 02, 2009, 01:33:30 PM #19 Last Edit: September 02, 2009, 01:35:29 PM by HappyDays09
QuoteHappyDays, thank you for your kind words and insight. I did post a more recent thread called "Talked to our minister about F-MIL" with updates.

I am letting my Fiance lead the way on this at this point.  Its his mother-son relationship that I have to respect. I am not a very good bridge, I'm afraid.

Oh, and Luise's son, builder of this website put a "Glow" option for writing posts.  It is the green G button, about 6 buttons to the left of the "Quote" button.
Aaahh, yes.  I see.  I just hope she doesn't show up and cause drama whether or not she receives an invitation.  Still there's a nagging about a mental breakdown or something.  You are right though, your BF would know best. 
   Hey and thanks for the 4-1-1 on the glow.  Got to use that! LOL  how do you change the color?

Just gave you your first + for Karma!!

Sassy

Thank you for my first Karma!  It feels like a gift I  really could use this morning.

You can type in the words yellow or green or pink or purple, into the first set of html brackets, instead of where the site's glow default is set to red.

From this:  glow=red,2,300   to this:  glow=green,2,300 

Prissy

Does this count?   :D   I'm trying Sassy. Looky here!  :P   and here  ::) on a roll  :-\

Sassy

 :o  LOL, Prissy.

Luise's son also gave us the ability to Marquee (move) our words, too! That M-with-a-left-arrow button.
Just don't get dizzy!

Prissy


Prissy

It's a conspiracy; mine doesn't work.

luise.volta

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

SunnyDays09

darn, i missed ANOTHER party.  :'(

luise.volta

What party? Where? I wanna go? Wait for me!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

SunnyDays09

The finding of the marqee function party. 
   I have a couple minor issues going - dd has some trouble with her synthroid.  And I am running out of RetinA.  LOL.  So, I be busy looking.
   And then there is always a decorating site with that multi talented Candice Olsen.  I would love for her and her crew to just appear on my doorstep with those beautiful fabrics and colors and paints, and of course:  that gorgeous furniture.  I rank her up there with one of my faves:  Barbara Barry. 
   Coffee just kicked in!! 

chickiebaby

HappyDays, you're going to have to help me with the Synthroid. I be stumped. I know Candice Olsen but not Synthroid.  Is Synthroid a painter or does he/she do lawn design?