A mix of thoughts for the New Year

[CityGirl]

I do not come here nearly as much as I should.  There is incredible strength here and wit and wisdom, but so much sadness it overwhelms me.  The post titles are all ones I could write: "roller coaster", "help me", "need advice", "toxic people", "kick me sign" and on and on.  We are all in a club none of us wants to belong to.

My 34 y/o son suddenly stopped speaking to me in spring of 2010.  He offered no explanation except to say it is not about me and he is not doing this out of spite or anger (even though it feels spiteful and angry!!).  After reaching out multiple times, I backed away, even though it is an understatement to say I am devastated.

He and his wife just had their first baby on December 4.  He actually e-mailed me and invited me to the hospital to see the baby.  I thought so many things.  That perhaps this was a door opening.  My daughter drove me up and we all had a lovely, tension free, happy visit seeing my beautiful new grandson.  I have MS and over the past year have become unable to walk.  I thought that seeing me in my wheelchair would remind him life is fragile, not to waste the time we have together, especially since I am the only parent he has (his dad died when he was 16).  As we talked and laughed, I thought he would remember he loved me and missed me.  I know it certainly reminded me of how much I miss him!

But it was not to be.  Besides sending me some pictures two days later, the door has slammed firmly shut again and I have had no further communication.  I cannot tell you how heartbreaking it was to see pictures of the other grandparents, happily smiling and holding the baby at my son and dil's house, a place where I am not welcome.  I feel as though it was especially cruel to send me those particular pictures.

You all shared my joy at the time when I posted about the visit.  I want to say I am holding all of you in my prayers.  I thank you all for sharing your stories here and describing how you cope.  I'm sorry I don't contribute more, but I don't feel as though I have as much to offer.   I am not at a really good place yet to provide much help to all of you.   I just sink when I read about what you are going through.   All us mothers who love our children so much and are experiencing so much hurt at their hands, we didn't deserve this.   I don't understand how they can be so heartless.  But I guess that is just part of being human and human beings are sometimes unfathomable.

I wish everyone as happy a New Year as you can have in spite of the circumstances.

[Distressedmom]

Girl, I am a newbie here so I am not aware of your situation except what you just posted. The part that I would like to address is your not coming here because you see so many of our situations it makes you sad. And that you don't comment often because you don't know what to say to help anyone since you are in a bad place right now. I would like for you to try to take a moment and look at the roses part of this site instead of the thorns.  Sometimes just seeing how bad someone else has it makes your situation not so bad. Or maybe someone will have a very similar one and the replies they get can help you.

As far as you feeling you don't have anything to offer as far as words of wisdom......who does?  We are all just women who have had to deal with rotten kids  . We can only offer advice as far as what we have been through. In the short time I have been here I have felt more empowered to do the things I need to do and get over myself. I have also realized helping others through suggestions and life experiences opens my own eyes to some of the thing I did wrong then.

Please hang around, check back often I truly believe you can find the strength here that I have.

[nikncon]

Welcome back.I am a newbie of a few months and so glad to have found this site.I can vent when I am happy or sad or mad.I am sure that you will find a situation similar to yours.Sometimes reading someone else's story does help me.I do hope that your DS wakes up and realises that GC need good GP in their lives.You should be there.I read a quote the other day that I found quite true."Life has no remote.Get up and change it yourself.I for one am going to try to do that in 2012.

[CityGirl]

You are both so kind...everyone is here.  I was mostly just rambling, feeling guilty because I feel as though I take more than I give here.  I am still trying to come to grips with what has happened.  I never saw it coming, never in a million years thought I would be in this situation.  I suppose none of us do.

I loaned them the sweater and hat I brought him home from the hospital in.  He was our first born, such a good baby, a good little boy, a son who made me so proud.  He and I got along so well, I thought, enjoying museums together, discussions about books and movies and politics.  Holding that sweater made me weep for how thrilled I was when he was born, never imagining one day he would cut me out of his life.

I feel so stuck in grief.  I run things over in my mind constantly, trying to figure out what is wrong, what has upset him that he cannot even discuss.  I try not to, I know it is not healthy, but it just always there in my head.   It is extra hard because I am so sick.  My life is changing in every way.  I can't work anymore, so my income has nose dived.  I am losing my house.  I can't go anywhere by myself anymore, so I am losing my independence as well.  For him to do this on top of everything is just unbelievable.

Then I read stories of moms who have to deal with even worse things, with substance abuse and violence as well and I feel so helpless and heartbroken for them.  A few months ago someone here half-jokingly suggested creating a resort just for us, a place to be pampered and cared for.  Wouldn't that be terrific to create such a place?!  We so deserve it.

[Pooh]

Welcome back CityG, although I am very sorry for your latest news.  One of my personal goals this year was to try to look at the positives in a situation, instead of just the negatives.  I think if we dwell in the negatives, we get stuck and forget to look at the good things in life.  So for you, I'm going to look on the positives on your behalf.  You got to see the the GB and know that he is healthy.  Although you may never know why, DS told you it wasn't you.  Maybe he can't handle seeing you suffer medically.  Some men are such wimps when it comes to that.  Maybe he can't get a grip on it and his way of dealing with it, is to "out of sight, out of mind".

I know your medical issues are very tough and losing your house has to be terrible.  But you are still able to reason, think, love and grow.  You are very special and you have much to offer, although it may not feel like it right now.  We are walking with you and you are always welcome to come here.  In your stories, you are offering more than you know because I see how strong you are.  For me, your story reminded me that I have much to be thankful for.  That's alot to offer and I thank you.

[CityGirl]

Thanks for the encouragement Pooh.   

Friends who have known him his whole life have also suggested he can't handle me being sick.  I was always the one in charge at our house, always the strong one, even before my husband died.  He traveled for his job, so it was just me and my two little boys until we had our girls when they were 7 and 8.  We were like the three Musketeers, I had so much fun with them, they were adorable little guys.  Then when my husband died I had to hold it together for all five of us.  I went back to work, worked three jobs and worked my way up the corporate ladder until I was an executive.  Bought my own house, took the kids traveling, had a wonderful, comfortable life.  Now I can't even do my own laundry.     So it has been a pretty far fall and I guess that is hard to see.  But he is a grownup for Pete's sake and this is just one of the things you have to deal with, so if that is the reason, I am pretty impatient with it.

However, you are absolutely right, life is what you make it.  I have always agreed with that.  So I do have to look at the positives.  The baby is lovely and I am so happy I got to see him.  My youngest daughter is getting married next month to a wonderful young man.  I have awesome, supportive friends in my life.  I have always been a glass-half-full person, its only lately that things have really been wearing me down.  I have to pull myself together.

I am so grateful to be able to vent like this.  And thanks for that perspective, Pooh, that I have offered something.  That makes me feel better.  I felt like I was only taking.

[lisafox41]

When you read all the posts we put on this site, it is at times amazing so many of us are going through similar situations with our AC.
For myself, I stick to the old saying "there is strength in numbers." Even if I don't have anything profound to add to a particular post, reading others thoughts has been so helpful.
So as Pooh said, strive to find the positive. I can't always see the positive right at the time, but when I look back at situations it becomes much more clear.
Each one of us brings so much to this site...just keep coming back!

[CityGirl]

Thank you Lisa!

[firelight]

Hi Citygirl,

Please don't ever feel like you are a noncontributor to us.  As long as we keep coming back for support, we can only get stronger. Just knowing we're not alone is a huge help!!  It is for me anyway. 

Some days we feel stronger than others as I am still working through all this myself.  It's great to come to this little home that has been created to be comforted.  Your post helped me also. 

Do you have skype or anything like that?  You could see each other and see that baby here and there...I don't think any of us get to see our GC as much as we'd like.

MS is a very unfair disease.  Even though your body is not cooperating, your mind definitely is and always will.  You have your eyes to see, your ears to hear and hands to touch with...and a beautiful heart to love with!  And, your daughter came to get you so you could see your new GC.    No matter how deep you have to dig for a positive thing, try to find at least one every single day no matter how small it is.  Even if it's "I got to hear a bird sing today", etc.  Look all around you and find at least 1.  Your DS did email so that is good (even though in my mind a phone call would have been nice with this sort of news, but that's our AC for ya). 

I was watching a TV show last night and this elderly lady was on there talking and she was going through her 3 AC not coming to see her in a looong time and this mom was in her 80's.  What she said afterward slapped me in the face:  "When I was raising my babies, I never gave a thought to my own dear mum."  It made me realize that our AC are so caught up in their own lives that we parents are sort of an afterthought maybe. 

I think Pooh said another thing that could very well be true:  your DS is struggling seeing you suffer medically. 

When my father-in-law's sister passed away from cancer, the sister's husband was so upset with my FIL and said angrily:  "You should have been there!!!"  He meant while she was suffering so.  Me as a nurse had a private thought toward my FIL :  "She needs you more than you need to run away."   That's how I saw it honestly.  I shared a thought with my DH regarding that but would never ever say that outloud to my FIL.  In his heart of hearts, I don't think he could bear seeing his sister go through the cancer and ultimately passing.  I do think some men are wimpier in that respect.  After she passed, I think he mowed the lawn more than it needed to "get rid of" whatever it is he was trying to get rid of. 

So count your blessings, Citygirl, and look into skype.  If skype isn't in the picture right now, just keep counting blessings.  Maybe you start sending your baby GS cards here and there to keep in touch, as well as your son.  Let your DS know that you want to be a part of your GS life, even if it has to be from a distance for now.  I know this is very heartbreaking....which is why it's so important to keep coming to the site we're in.  You said it best:  We're all part of a club none of us want to be in.  But, I sure am glad you all are here.  It's so good to have this cyber family, even if it means that some days we just come here to let our hearts bleed all over.  And the good thing about this site is:  That's OK. 

Warm thoughts to you, Citygirl. 

[firelight]

Because you were such a wonderful mom and did the very best you could, I'll bet your DS will be such a good daddy.  Then his own babe will grow up and he'll wonder, "how come my DS doesn't come visit much?"    

[firelight]

just so ya know:  I don't have skype....if I did it wouldn't do any good because my DD and SIL don't own a computer, or anything else for that matter.

My aunt has it though to see her GS as her AC live in another state and she rarely gets to see them in person.

*hugs*

[Rose799]

Hi CG, it's nice to see you again, but I'm sorry things aren't going better for you.  I haven't been visiting as often either, for similar reasons.   My heart actually aches after reading some of these posts.  As much as we don't understand our dc; I think they oftentimes don't even understand themselves.  But until that day when they become enlightened, we have to take good care of ourselves, so that we'll be here to witness when they drop to their knees, begging our forgiveness.  : ) 

It may have been me that mentioned a WWU resort.  Strange you should mention it, as I've been giving it more thought.    I've also seen mention of going on a tropical vacation...  I wonder how Kirk might feel about meeting us in person?  I hear the weather is lovely in Hawaii this time of year.  Just sayin'...   : )

[CityGirl]

Firelight, thank so much for your lovely post.  It made me cry in a good way.  And thanks for your post, too Rose.  If it was your idea, it was a brilliant one. 

Firelight, you reminded me of a story my other son told me few weeks ago.  He and his son, my 5 y/o grandson, drove by my house while they were on an errand (I live on a main road) and my grandson said he wanted to stop and see Nana.  My son told him they couldn't that day because they had so many things to do.  My grandson looked at him and said "But it's been such a long time since we've seen her.  Don't you miss your mom?"  Out of the mouths of babes.  My son said he felt terrible and they came to see me the next day.  Guilt can be a very good thing.  lol

Skype is a good idea, but they (my son and dil) don't even reply to my e-mails or calls.  He just really wants nothing to do with me.  Ironically, they do come to family functions, like they'll be at my daughter's wedding next month and my dil came to her shower.  But if they are there, such as her engagement party, he doesn't speak to me, although she does.  So while I am happy for my daughter, I am not looking forward to getting the cold shoulder all day.  Especially since everyone knows what is going on and everyone is furious with him.   No one will make a scene, but it will be tense. 

I have sent the baby some things and I sent an e-mail the other day to say happy one month birthday and told them I was thinking of them and hoped all was well.  I got no response.

Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement.

[pam1]

It's nice seeing you again, CG but I'm so sorry for your update.  You sound strong though.

[firelight]

Rose!  I love the way you think!!  You might be on to something here.....(resort)   

Citygirl, I so love that story about your other son and your GS coming to visit.  That made me smile.  See there?  You have abundant blessings.  Take what you can!

Re:  your other son that won't speak to you....whatever it is he's holding on to, may dissipate in time ( or maybe not who knows).  He will soon see that raising babies is not easy and it's very expensive which means working hard and we can't always be there every second if anyone is going to make any money to support the family.  We all did the best we could and that's all we can do.  I hope in time things improve for him and you but until then, enjoy your other AC and GC.  That lil GS of yours that wanted to come visit just tickles my heart!  What a good boy.