Author Topic: Keeping in Touch  (Read 2069 times)

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molly

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Keeping in Touch
« on: April 11, 2010, 02:39:23 PM »
I have written in the past re my problems with son and DIL - they have mistreated my husband and myself and e have taken it all.  I have decided - and hope my husband in telling me the truth that he agrees - that this is the end.  Son's b/day is this week - and for the first time in his life - over 40 - I refuse to acknowledge it and my husband, even though he said he was going to write him an email for his b/day telling him how he has messed up my health, has agreed to do so also.  My husband says he just wants me to be happy.

So this week, the first time ever, I will not even contact my son for his b/day - (we have not heard from him for months) - I know all of the books say send something - but I cannot take this anymore.  My friend I was with yesterday for the christening of her grandchild told me she loves me but no one walks away from their child - and her sons have had messed up marriages, illegitimate children, and been in jail for stalking their ex-wives.  I cannot take this any more so this Saturday I will go out for the day with my husband, remember the happiest day of my life, remember the g/child I have seen only two times over the last year, and try not to remember the last 18 months of torture.  I just try to remember the other members of my family who have loved me and the support I have gotten from Luise - and, Ladies, she is so much better than any priest, ex-wife, or therapist I have met.  I try not to drop all of this on my friends - that my son and DIL have ruined my health and put me on antidepressants.  If anyone had told me two years ago our family would be decimated by their behavior I would have said they were insane. 


2chickiebaby

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Re: Keeping in Touch
« Reply #1 on: April 11, 2010, 02:46:52 PM »
Dear Molly,
This breaks my heart....I know what you're going through. I know how hard this is, we've been there. No one could have
ever in a zillion years told me and had me believe this would happen to us.  But it did.  You're just left with a heart filled
with broken glass.

There is a DIL on here who really has wisdom and can look at things in another light to help us make sense of this
senseless thing.  I hope she will write.  I know your son loves you but whatever happened does destroy a Mother.

Can you tell us what happened? 

Welcome here.

molly

  • Guest
Re: Keeping in Touch
« Reply #2 on: April 11, 2010, 03:01:08 PM »
Thanks, Chicababy.  It's too long a story - and I have posted a long time ago and Luise helped me.  They are very controlling people and when my husband and I finally said no more, they came back at us.  So, to control us more they let us meet our new grandchild (the first) for an hour - and when they could not let on to relatives visiting, let us see him for another couple of hours.  They sent back, after accepting a few gifts, gifts we sent him for his b/day and Hannukah and Christmas - including gifts sent directly from us I had handmade.  My biggest disappointment is that my relatives, who I love so much, cannot believe this is the same person they have known from childhood - and although we tell them not to worry, in my heart I wish one of them (so many) would say to him - what in the hell are you doing to your Mother and Father?  But they figure it is just a little row as they say.  I now have a heart doctor who says my problems are from stress.  So he has advised me to walk away - but that just makes me weep even more.  But for both my husband and myself I have to do it - people get divorces, don't they?  They live through those - I just somehow hope my not acknowledging his b/day will make him see him low I feel (or in his eyes, how low I have become.

2chickiebaby

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Re: Keeping in Touch
« Reply #3 on: April 11, 2010, 03:06:57 PM »
Thanks, Chicababy.  It's too long a story - and I have posted a long time ago and Luise helped me.  They are very controlling people and when my husband and I finally said no more, they came back at us.  So, to control us more they let us meet our new grandchild (the first) for an hour - and when they could not let on to relatives visiting, let us see him for another couple of hours.  They sent back, after accepting a few gifts, gifts we sent him for his b/day and Hannukah and Christmas - including gifts sent directly from us I had handmade.  My biggest disappointment is that my relatives, who I love so much, cannot believe this is the same person they have known from childhood - and although we tell them not to worry, in my heart I wish one of them (so many) would say to him - what in the hell are you doing to your Mother and Father?  But they figure it is just a little row as they say.  I now have a heart doctor who says my problems are from stress.  So he has advised me to walk away - but that just makes me weep even more.  But for both my husband and myself I have to do it - people get divorces, don't they?  They live through those - I just somehow hope my not acknowledging his b/day will make him see him low I feel (or in his eyes, how low I have become.

I wish just seeing how low you are would help but sometimes it doesn't.  Sometimes we're called: "needy" and
"narcissistic" and "trying to get attention" when we're sick or hurting. Then, we do the CBF....have you ever heard
anything so disgusting?   We can't do anthing right.  Stay with us.....sometimes miracles happen. It did for Creme. 

Postscript

  • Guest
Re: Keeping in Touch
« Reply #4 on: April 11, 2010, 03:51:21 PM »
Molly I haven't seen all your history yet but I think by doing nothing, you are on the right track.  Your husband sending an email to an adult of 40 odd years would just start a fire, it sounds to me as if you are sick of putting fires out.

I'm sorry you have to be here, you sound very tired and hurt. 

dirtyglassgrl

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Re: Keeping in Touch
« Reply #5 on: April 11, 2010, 07:21:32 PM »
I know everyone loves their kids and thinks the world of their kids, I know I do.  But speaking as a daughter in law and a mom of a son, I sometimes wonder if sons had "stuck up" for their moms or their wives, whomever the party that is being treated poorly right away and set the standard that he will not tolerate any of the nonsense it would have done a great deal.  One it would have set the pace, as in "here is how it is going to be"  and it would have brought the issues out before there was too much resentment or bad blood on either side.  I think alot of people like to think of as two women fueding and clashing when in all reality there is a grown man in the middle who has a brain and mouth and heart, who could be doing his best to work with both women and somehow or for some reason does not.  That is something that I think does need more accountability in these deteriorating relationships.

2chickiebaby

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Re: Keeping in Touch
« Reply #6 on: April 11, 2010, 07:28:22 PM »
I know everyone loves their kids and thinks the world of their kids, I know I do.  But speaking as a daughter in law and a mom of a son, I sometimes wonder if sons had "stuck up" for their moms or their wives, whomever the party that is being treated poorly right away and set the standard that he will not tolerate any of the nonsense it would have done a great deal.  One it would have set the pace, as in "here is how it is going to be"  and it would have brought the issues out before there was too much resentment or bad blood on either side.  I think alot of people like to think of as two women fueding and clashing when in all reality there is a grown man in the middle who has a brain and mouth and heart, who could be doing his best to work with both women and somehow or for some reason does not.  That is something that I think does need more accountability in these deteriorating relationships.

I agree..the men need to get in the middle of it and see to it that the disruption stops.  The problem is that if he does
and it is something his wife doesn't agree with, he's in big time trouble.  This is one thing that bothers me too. A blatant
rudeness by either party should be addressed by him.  They are too lilly livered to do it, though.  What has happened
to men? 

dirtyglassgrl

  • Guest
Re: Keeping in Touch
« Reply #7 on: April 11, 2010, 07:32:56 PM »
Chickie I wish I knew what is up with the men that let their wives or their moms run them.  Either way it is wrong!  The set of inlaws we no longer talk to are FIL and his wife, wife runs FIL into the ground and it is so sad becuase she has told my dh so many times how she will always came first to his father.  He will never stand up for his son or me or our kids to her.  I think it is so sad for my dh to grow up that way.  I used to love my FIL he is a great man with a good heart and so gentle but because of his wife my kids no longer see him as their "papa" and dh has not spoken to him regularly in years.  So sad.

willingtohelp

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Re: Keeping in Touch
« Reply #8 on: April 11, 2010, 08:32:18 PM »
It sounds like your son and DIL have already walked away, so it's probably best for you to do so as well.  That doesn't mean it doesn't stink, and it doesn't mean it won't hurt, but at some point (especially when Drs are saying your health is in danger) it's time to stop beating yourself up.  They know how to contact you, so if they want to try again, they can get in touch and you can decide then if you're up for round 2.  Until then, take care of yourself. 

cremebrulee

  • Guest
Re: Keeping in Touch
« Reply #9 on: April 12, 2010, 06:33:25 AM »
I know everyone loves their kids and thinks the world of their kids, I know I do.  But speaking as a daughter in law and a mom of a son, I sometimes wonder if sons had "stuck up" for their moms or their wives, whomever the party that is being treated poorly right away and set the standard that he will not tolerate any of the nonsense it would have done a great deal.  One it would have set the pace, as in "here is how it is going to be"  and it would have brought the issues out before there was too much resentment or bad blood on either side.  I think alot of people like to think of as two women fueding and clashing when in all reality there is a grown man in the middle who has a brain and mouth and heart, who could be doing his best to work with both women and somehow or for some reason does not.  That is something that I think does need more accountability in these deteriorating relationships.

My personal opinion and as a MIL, is...our son's and husbands need to grow a set, and get both the DIL and MIL together, and tell them, Look, I love you both, but this is rediculas and damaging...I'm not siding with either one of you, it's between you both...I don't want to hear about it...and bottom line is, you both need to resolve this together...now, lets talk....and get it all out, and stop this before it gets worse and is damaging to all of us.

What do you think?


Postscript

  • Guest
Re: Keeping in Touch
« Reply #10 on: April 12, 2010, 06:41:06 AM »
Creme I don't think it's possible for a husband to do that although I wish it were.  At the risk of generalizing a lot of what goes on, goes unseen by husbands.  Women communicate in many ways, a lot more than men do and we are far more attuned to body language, tone of voice etc.  Sometimes when you try and explain a subtle insult, it's just impossible to do.

cremebrulee

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Re: Keeping in Touch
« Reply #11 on: April 12, 2010, 07:40:36 AM »
Creme I don't think it's possible for a husband to do that although I wish it were.  At the risk of generalizing a lot of what goes on, goes unseen by husbands.  Women communicate in many ways, a lot more than men do and we are far more attuned to body language, tone of voice etc.  Sometimes when you try and explain a subtle insult, it's just impossible to do.

Postscript
Hi and Good morning
Do you really believe that the husbands don't see what is going on?  I could be wrong, but I just cannot grasp that...isn't it usually the DIL and MIL start complaining to the husband/son? 

Yes, I do wish more husbands would do that....I know one of my younger friends at work said, if things started going south with her and her MIL, and by the way, she adores her MIL...her husband would intervien but quick...and stop it....while laying some ground rules...but, yeah, your absolutely right, for whatever reasons, most husbands would fear doing so...hmmmm, I just have a problem with husband not realizing what's going on....my son sure as heck knew...they actually went to counseling b/c of it.....

Postscript

  • Guest
Re: Keeping in Touch
« Reply #12 on: April 12, 2010, 07:50:19 AM »
If they start complaining to the husband, sure he knows.  But there's no way for him to nip it in the bud. 

I know that when it started for me, I didn't say anything, in fact I didn't say a word until it became unbearable to be in my Mother in laws company, when I'd come to dread seeing her.  I think the first I said anything was around my miscarriage and it only came out because I was fairly distressed at the time.  He confronted her about it, she admitted it and told him that he'd told her I was the reason for the miscarriage.  I was with him when he called her, we both knew she was lying.

Perhaps if he'd said look you and postscript have issues how about we sort it out, we could have dealt with it? He didn't so we'll never know and frankly given the circumstances, it probably wouldn't have worked at the time.


cremebrulee

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Re: Keeping in Touch
« Reply #13 on: April 12, 2010, 08:40:56 AM »
If they start complaining to the husband, sure he knows.  But there's no way for him to nip it in the bud. 

I know that when it started for me, I didn't say anything, in fact I didn't say a word until it became unbearable to be in my Mother in laws company, when I'd come to dread seeing her.  I think the first I said anything was around my miscarriage and it only came out because I was fairly distressed at the time.  He confronted her about it, she admitted it and told him that he'd told her I was the reason for the miscarriage.  I was with him when he called her, we both knew she was lying.

Perhaps if he'd said look you and postscript have issues how about we sort it out, we could have dealt with it? He didn't so we'll never know and frankly given the circumstances, it probably wouldn't have worked at the time.

Reading your story makes me so sad for you, him and her...it's all such a shame....and I'm so sorry about the miscarriage....I lost 3 children...it's not easy...I was lucky to have my son....I wish, that more husbands could and would put they're feet down, maybe if it were to happen right in the beginning, a lot could be avoided....

Post, I'm very sorry you've been made to put up with this....very sorry.

cremebrulee

  • Guest
Re: Keeping in Touch
« Reply #14 on: April 12, 2010, 08:43:26 AM »
Creme, that is an excellent idea.  I think our sons & hubby's need to intervene.  In my case tho I cannot talke to my dil directly, I have to go thro son.  Anything I ask for is an immediate no cause dil feels I have no right to ask for anything.  Especially if it concerns her children, my gc.  I was told in the past that if I ask for time with my gc it will, or won't, happen farther & farther into the future!!  My son had to step up & say that if there was no reason to say no, then it was yes !!  Dil was always throwing obsticles in our way.  Like it's too hot out, it's too cold out, it's too far away, We haven't done that yet, they need a nap etc, etc, etc.  Whatever she could think of to stop us from spending time with our gc.  It's too my dil can't put as much effort into finding ways to help us enjoy our gc !!

I suppose Anna, it depends on the situation, but yes, in yours, I would definately agree that if your son had interviened from the beginning....this might not have escalated to this point....
but if they do, they cannot take sides, they must be short and really mean what they say, that this has to stop.

Anna, hugs

Creme