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The Glorious CBF

Started by 2chickiebaby, April 11, 2010, 02:21:46 pm

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willingtohelp

Pent, you just summed up why I don't really like showers in general.  I just feel like I'm saying gimme gimme.  I enjoy going to most of the ones I'm invited to (unless I'm invited to one where I've never heard of the bride and groom and realize I am a coworker of their second cousin once removed.), but I am happy to give them a gift and would have felt moved to anyway.  I do think that they take some of the thought and spontaneity out of giving.  But if they're here to stay, then bring on the "My kids moved out shower".  I think I'll also have a reverse "Clean my House" shower where the guests get to come and take things home so I can get rid of things without having to drive to Good Will.  What other parties can we think of?  I think I have an extra cast iron skillet if you're looking to get one. 

Pen

Clover, thanks, but I don't need cast iron. I'm sure you'll find a nice home for it :) My DS & DIL totally scored between two showers and the wedding - when I got married I received a few little things, but DS & DIL ended up with appliances (small and large), full sets of cookware, tableware, money, etc. etc. She got spa days, lingerie, all kinds of high-end foo-foo stuff. Now they have those price guns you can take around when you register; I think people get a bit trigger-happy, but that's good for the economy, right?

It was then very hurtful when DIL announced that she hated our friends (and us) after receiving such a bounty (all of it registered for, so her exchanging some of it made no sense.) I'm realizing she was raised to be a spoiled princess and shall probably remain one for years to come. It would be hilarious if it didn't also mean we were being distanced from DS & probably FGC. I really don't understand selfish people.

Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

2chickiebaby

Quote from: penstamen on April 12, 2010, 02:13:15 pm
Clover, thanks, but I don't need cast iron. I'm sure you'll find a nice home for it :) My DS & DIL totally scored between two showers and the wedding - when I got married I received a few little things, but DS & DIL ended up with appliances (small and large), full sets of cookware, tableware, money, etc. etc. She got spa days, lingerie, all kinds of high-end foo-foo stuff. Now they have those price guns you can take around when you register; I think people get a bit trigger-happy, but that's good for the economy, right?

It was then very hurtful when DIL announced that she hated our friends (and us) after receiving such a bounty (all of it registered for, so her exchanging some of it made no sense.) I'm realizing she was raised to be a spoiled princess and shall probably remain one for years to come. It would be hilarious if it didn't also mean we were being distanced from DS & probably FGC. I really don't understand selfish people.


I wanted to reply to all of you but I am having such a hard time getting over another bout of COPD.  It has taken me down,
down. 

I was reading about the bounty your DIL and son got....oh boy, you wouldn't believe all the stuff both mine got.  Pen,
it hurts my heart that she said she didn't like your friends or you.  Isn't this the strangest world we live in?  It makes
life not worth it sometimes.

The DILs, some of them, take our sons with them when they go.  It would be fine if they didn't.  We would never have
known either one of them.  I know it's been hard for both sons to be distant toward us.  My husband says it will not
destroy his life...I can't be like that.  It makes me sad, so sad.  I see them but it is so different.  All eyes are on the little
ladies who constantly watch for any attention paid to us.  It's easy to tell they aren't supposed to do that.

Why? Why is this happening?  I hear of it but never dreamed of it happening to us.  First DIL is a good woman.  She just
is terribly threatened by me.  Second DIL is a good woman but she is the most self-centered person known to humanity. 
She is a spoiled brat.  Easier for me to get along with but terribly spoiled. 

In the end, the threatened DIL takes her husband and the steps of the plan to unhook him from his family are set in
place...firmly.  I am telling you, those steps I first wrote are the real deal.  Some of them will work till it's completed just
because they are threatened.  Were any of you threatened by your MILs?  I was not threatened.  Did she talk about
things that were so dull that my head split open?  Yes, she did.  She discussed the food she cooked like it was a soap
opera coming on 5 nights a week. 

I came from a dysfunctional feeling family. She didn't.  Anything feeling was scary to her.  I asked the poor thing where she
and FIL met?  Oh my Lord!!! TMI.  Too personal.  "that's kind of personal, don't you think?"

That did scare me, come to think of it.  I used to sit at the table and listen to how the butter beans were made and think
"oh my Lord!! this is so interesting!" ;D   

They were good people, though.  The thought of them as being pushed out never entered my mind.  Why would I do that?
They were his family members.  I'm sure he wanted to shove some of mine over a cliff but he didn't.   It's just a different
world, I guess.  I think people have changed and not in a good way.  All special or sacred things are pretty much gone.
Totally a "me" time.  My brother calls these kinds of people the 3 tenors...."me", "me" and "me". 

I wanted to talk about The Real Housewives of New York City and New Jersey...those are the ones I watch but I am
not feeling well today.  I love to watch those totally self-absobed ladies be totally self-absorbed. They don't have DILs.
Most of them have Daughters.  They will be fine forever!!  I love the way Teresa of New Jersey turned the entire table
over at the restaurant....she seemed so sweet till Danielle made her mad.   Bethenny of New York is my fav...she is so
funny.  Jill is great but I'm mad at her right now because she's not nice to Bethenny. Hello?  I've lost my mind?  :P

Pen

Chickie, it's so funny to find out about people's "vices." I'll have to check out the Real Housewives sometime. Right now I'm loving Glee and old Gilmore Girl reruns when I can catch them. Sorry :(

Yup, it's sad to hear awful things said about you when you've done everything you could to be accepting and loving. If I had done or said something I could apologize for, I'd do it ASAP. However, she doesn't like who we are. How do I change that? DS still loves us - we all just ignore DIL's rudeness and keep on going these days!

Chickie, when you had the epiphany regarding how your DSs still loved you, it was emotional and hopeful to me, too. I hope you still know it's true. Still hurts though.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

2chickiebaby

Quote from: penstamen on April 12, 2010, 04:34:07 pm
Chickie, it's so funny to find out about people's "vices." I'll have to check out the Real Housewives sometime. Right now I'm loving Glee and old Gilmore Girl reruns when I can catch them. Sorry :(

Yup, it's sad to hear awful things said about you when you've done everything you could to be accepting and loving. If I had done or said something I could apologize for, I'd do it ASAP. However, she doesn't like who we are. How do I change that? DS still loves us - we all just ignore DIL's rudeness and keep on going these days!

Chickie, when you had the epiphany regarding how your DSs still loved you, it was emotional and hopeful to me, too. I hope you still know it's true. Still hurts though.


I would apologize too, Pen. It galls me so much, though that I just can't stand the thought of it.  I know they still love
me....but I think my expectations were so high. I thought families stayed together and were there for each other. I
have given everything to them in babysitting, all those things. 

It's hard when you know you've done nothing but the thing is they know that.  It's very hard.  I keep going over and over
every detail and I have to stop before it takes my life.  The DILs most likely would love that.  I hope to keep living to
drive them nuts. 

2chickiebaby

Quote from: Anna on April 13, 2010, 05:40:52 am
I still don't get "grandma showers", I think they would be totally ridiculous.  Only if grandma suddenly had to have her grandkids 24/7 might she need this, & even then I don't think so !!  Baby showers, IMO, are for Mommy's & Daddy's.  Not for grandparents.  I don't get it.
My dil registered for their wedding & was truly trigger happy, but  did not expect to get everything she pointed that little gun at.  (I think).  We went to the store with them & we had a great time watching them dream about what they wanted after they were married.  We had a truly great relationship with our dil until our first gc was born.  We did a lot of fun things together.  I fondly remember those days !!!
Carmexx, I don't understand why your mil would tell you to control yourself when you had nausea, that's impossible.   Maybe she didn't have morning sickness & doesn't understand what you went thro.  I was one of the lucjy ones & never got sick, but I watched my sister throw up, a lot, & I cried for her.  She was extremely sick. 
Pen, I want a my kids are grown up & moved out shower, I would like to travel so cash only please !!!  LOL  Can you imagine ??   Gimme, gimme seems to be what a lot of the young people are all about, some of them, not all of them.  I had a bridal shower & one baby shower.  I got things I actually needed cause I needed everything.  I lived with my parents until I married at the age of nineteen.  No foo foo stuff, I got a care basket of cleaning supplies for a wedding shower gift & I was happy.  It would have cost a bundle for me to buy all the things I needed to clean the apartment & we didn't have much money to spare back then. 
Chickie, I sure hope you are feeling better.   I was talking to my nephews new wife the other day & she was telling me that her hubby is not as close to his family (my sister, brother, & nephew-in-law), as he once was.  Plan in motion?


Dear Anna,
I had no idea the Grandma showers were an issue at all.  Here, it is done with all the love in the world....the DILs are
excited that the new 1st time Grandma is participating in it!   It's a lot of fun and we usually do it with a small group of 1st timers.

It usually consists of little things like diapers, a blanket or two, books, lots of books and nothing at all that would be considered over the top.

Seems like all my friends are excited about being a Grandmother for the 1st time and it's only a chance to get together celebrate.  Nothing more.  I think I'm going to talk to the next group who wants to do this. They are not aware it's a problem either.

We always enjoy each other and have lots of fun.

cremebrulee

I have never heard of a grandma shower until now...not that I remember?  And I could be wrong, perhaps I have and forgot, however, and I'm not saying I'm right...whatever works, but I myself, couldn't have one....I'd feel terrible asking people for gifts...especially at my age...and I can understand how some could get into it and enjoy it...I just couldn't, and I'm not saying I'm right and anyone else who believes int hem is wrong...
it's simply the way I feel about it...



2chickiebaby

Quote from: cremebrulee on April 13, 2010, 06:03:52 am
I have never heard of a grandma shower until now...not that I remember?  And I could be wrong, perhaps I have and forgot, however, and I'm not saying I'm right...whatever works, but I myself, couldn't have one....I'd feel terrible asking people for gifts...especially at my age...and I can understand how some could get into it and enjoy it...I just couldn't, and I'm not saying I'm right and anyone else who believes int hem is wrong...
it's simply the way I feel about it...


Creme, honestly, these are simply to get together and have fun with the soon to be Grandma for the first time.  She just
gets inexpensive things that she might use when she babysits.  We eat cake that has, "New Grandma ******" on it.
I can't believe this is an issue.  I have given all my friends one.  Come to think of it, though, I don't think I had one!  Drats!!


doormat

Regarding the original topic- "the glorious CBF".... 

1)  You haven't the slightest clue what the history is behind that DIL's relationship with her MIL.  Unless you'd like to have all your comments about your "mutant freakoid" DIL taken out of context and repeated on another website without your permission, I'd like to encourage you to exercise a little compassion and restraint toward others that may very well have it just as bad, if not possibly worse, than you.

2)  The members on that site you mentioned are forbidden to bring posts from other websites - like THIS one - over there because the operators and most members feel it cheapens the site and the purpose for it being there as a source of support.  How do you think it reflects on you when you do that here? 

Unless I'm mistaken- and by all means let me know if I am- this site exists to lend support and acceptance to people in a difficult and frustrating situation.  If the purpose has changed and this site is now a place to dissect and degrade all DILs no matter how ridiculous their circumstances, then count me out.   Posts like this one do nothing but affirm the bad reputation that many MILs have.

If you need to vent and cry about the bad treatment you're receiving from your DILs- or anyone else for that matter- then by all means have at it.  The ladies here, I'm sure, wouldn't hesitate to lend an understanding hug to help you overcome your low points.   Otherwise, maybe you should save this for your group therapy sessions, or better yet, just understand that it isn't just MILs that have to deal with deceptive, cruel and oblivious ILs.

Pen

Doormat, it seems "the other site" encourages rude and hateful speech towards MILs...one category is called Frequent Fry-her, for example. Even the site name is inflammatory. I remember being shocked that the site was run by a psychology professional! It was so hateful. As a DIL and a MIL I couldn't understand the attitude of most of the DILs who posted. I never felt that way about my MIL or ex-MIL. The ex-MIL was really mean to me, but I never disrespected her or called her names. I tried to find common ground and kept on as if she weren't rude and hurtful.

We don't have anything like that here. We don't have rude names like Cat Butt Face for DILs expressions. We may discuss DILs rudeness and poor behavior, but we don't condone hate speech. I've not been there since I joined here, so maybe it's different now, but the feeling I got over there at the time was that DILs would just as soon MILs disappear whereas here most MILs would just like some access to their DSs and GC.

I may be a little blind to what's being said here since I do prefer this site, but what I know for sure is that Luise and Kirk were very careful to set this site up as a safe, positive place for communication, support and wisdom. Occasionally we might see frustration take an angry turn, but for the most part I think we've avoided the denigrating, harsh, uncompassionate tone the other site seems to have.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

2chickiebaby

Quote from: penstamen on April 13, 2010, 08:14:17 am
Doormat, it seems "the other site" encourages rude and hateful speech towards MILs...one category is called Frequent Fry-her, for example. Even the site name is inflammatory. I remember being shocked that the site was run by a psychology professional! It was so hateful. As a DIL and a MIL I couldn't understand the attitude of most of the DILs who posted. I never felt that way about my MIL or ex-MIL. The ex-MIL was really mean to me, but I never disrespected her or called her names. I tried to find common ground and kept on as if she weren't rude and hurtful.

We don't have anything like that here. We don't have rude names like Cat Butt Face for DILs expressions. We may discuss DILs rudeness and poor behavior, but we don't condone hate speech. I've not been there since I joined here, so maybe it's different now, but the feeling I got over there at the time was that DILs would just as soon MILs disappear whereas here most MILs would just like some access to their DSs and GC.

I may be a little blind to what's being said here since I do prefer this site, but what I know for sure is that Luise and Kirk were very careful to set this site up as a safe, positive place for communication, support and wisdom. Occasionally we might see frustration take an angry turn, but for the most part I think we've avoided the denigrating, harsh, uncompassionate tone the other site seems to have.


Penstamen, it is so beyond belief that they state and are allowed to state there.... that they wish the old bag was dead and will flick
on her grave...things that make you sick.  I was shocked too that they promote a book written by a Dr. (?) who is supposed
to have all the answers.  They want you to buy that book....no thank you. 

If you try to go on it, they ban you...!  What amazes me is that anytime you get a group together and they state in a crual
way how they feel, it's easy to get others to chime in and say, "yes, you go girl, you're right...she has no rights to your
life!!! She wants your womb...!!!  She tries to come over, it ain't gonna happen.  DH can either get on board or DUH can
get out!! It's best to let DH see what's going on for himself.  (tee hee)"  It's the craziest thing I've ever seen.  Then, they all agree with each other. 

I am so amazed that we have a group of people here who don't say things like that, even if they're seething inside. 

Laila9

I've just been to look at the "other site" and I see where Doormat is coming from!

Yes they do say some hateful and nasty things about their MILs (some of it may be deserving - I know if my MIL had purposefully poisoned me so I had a miscarriage and then bragged about it to my OH then I'd say some pretty evil things too! and she would darn well deserve them!)

But they don't under any circumstances talk about the posters here! Their comments are not personal attacks on us! 

I agree with Doormat that it would be respectful for us to do the same and not repeat their stories or comments here - or it makes us seem like the bad ones!

I was also very shocked at the post by a MIL over there who just baited the DILs and then stuck her fingers in her metaphorical ears to all their explanations - then insulted them to top it off! I really do hope that wasn't one of our posters as it was a very horrible way to behave!!

Lets please keep this as the lovely supportive community that enticed me to join!

2chickiebaby

Quote from: Laila9 on April 13, 2010, 08:37:59 am
I've just been to look at the "other site" and I see where Doormat is coming from!

Yes they do say some hateful and nasty things about their MILs (some of it may be deserving - I know if my MIL had purposefully poisoned me so I had a miscarriage and then bragged about it to my OH then I'd say some pretty evil things too! and she would darn well deserve them!)

But they don't under any circumstances talk about the posters here! Their comments are not personal attacks on us! 

I agree with Doormat that it would be respectful for us to do the same and not repeat their stories or comments here - or it makes us seem like the bad ones!

I was also very shocked at the post by a MIL over there who just baited the DILs and then stuck her fingers in her metaphorical ears to all their explanations - then insulted them to top it off! I really do hope that wasn't one of our posters as it was a very horrible way to behave!!

Lets please keep this as the lovely supportive community that enticed me to join!


You're right, Laila...they were stopped from posting there about this site.  We're unique in that we do try to
understand where everyone is coming from.  I'm glad about that.  I guess all comments should stop about it.  Just be
glad we have what we have. 

dirtyglassgrl

Ya'll are not going to like this but I do think it is wrong to bring stuff from other sites on to this one.  Especially stuff that is just not helpful and is in fact inflammatory.  If they are doing that to us, then they are wrong too, but I am not going to participate in that.  If I wanted to read things from their site I would go there.  I also think it was wrong of whomever went on another site and baited them all.  Be glad of what you have and leave others alone.  If you don't like it do not go there.  Sorry but I am just trying to be honest with ya'll, it serves no purpose.

Pen

You're right, we're better than that. It hurts feelings and creates anger. I don't go there for that very reason.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb