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The Glorious CBF

Started by 2chickiebaby, April 11, 2010, 02:21:46 pm

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Postscript

Neither do I Chickie, I do know my husband may find his mother irritating at times and avoids her, but I know in his heart that he loves her and that he would like her to love me and accept me because I am the woman he chose to spend his life with and he loves me too.  He says nobody would be good enough for any of her children in her eyes.  That is certainly proven by her treatment of my sisters in law. 


2chickiebaby

Quote from: Postscript on April 11, 2010, 06:14:16 pm
Neither do I Chickie, I do know my husband may find his mother irritating at times and avoids her, but I know in his heart that he loves her and that he would like her to love me and accept me because I am the woman he chose to spend his life with and he loves me too.  He says nobody would be good enough for any of her children in her eyes.  That is certainly proven by her treatment of my sisters in law.


This is so important to me....do you think he does love her?  I don't understand why she can't accept you if she loves him. 
I want my kids to be happy.  I would have loved anyone they chose.  But she doesn't like us.  I know she talks about us to
him and believe me, that kills you as a Mother.  You find your son disappearing before you eyes...I'm not talking about
growing up.  Just removing himself from you as a Mother...seeing all your faults, that you know you have but are
magnified to him by her.  You would think we could overlook that but we can't.  It hurts too bad. 

Postscript

Chickie I think it's the same thing that kept you trying to get your Dad to say hello to you.  You wanted his love and his approval, you wanted him to show it.  I know my husband loves his mother, he always hugs her hello and he often speaks of her fondly.  I really try not to burden him with slights etc because I wouldn't like to hear someone speak ill of my parents.  For his part he refrains from speaking of my mother for much the same reasons.

Imagine you were trying to get your father to say hello to you AND your husband.  You'd not only be hurt for you, but for your husband as well.  Then add your sons to that, trying to get your father to greet you, your husband and your sons.  You'd feel hurt for them all as well as yourself. 

Someone else on a different site asked why inlaw relationships have to be different from other relationships.  If you put it in terms of a friendship, it's very rare for people to meet and become instant friends.  But that is what we expect from inlaw relationships, even worse the minute the ring goes on we expect instant familial relationships.  I think time and learning about each other and how we operate as people is the missing ingredient and I think it's missing on both sides of the equation.  For example my Mother in law never gave me any idea what to call her, the minute we married she signed Mom on her cards etc, she has never asked me and I have never called her Mom.  I think my reasons are valid that I don't.  For one, I have a mother who I call Mom and frankly the connotations I get from the name aren't that good. 2. I have a stepmother who I love very much who was in every way possible a real mother to me, I don't call her Mom.  Perhaps if my mother in law had taken a step back and looked at my relationships (of which she was aware)  she'd have talked to me before just expecting me to suddenly call her Mom?  Perhaps I should have taken the time to explain it made me uncomfortable? I think both sides need to give and take, just like any relationship.  How to get to that point right now has me stumped?

2chickiebaby

Quote from: Postscript on April 11, 2010, 06:39:32 pm
Chickie I think it's the same thing that kept you trying to get your Dad to say hello to you.  You wanted his love and his approval, you wanted him to show it.  I know my husband loves his mother, he always hugs her hello and he often speaks of her fondly.  I really try not to burden him with slights etc because I wouldn't like to hear someone speak ill of my parents.  For his part he refrains from speaking of my mother for much the same reasons.

Imagine you were trying to get your father to say hello to you AND your husband.  You'd not only be hurt for you, but for your husband as well.  Then add your sons to that, trying to get your father to greet you, your husband and your sons.  You'd feel hurt for them all as well as yourself. 

Someone else on a different site asked why inlaw relationships have to be different from other relationships.  If you put it in terms of a friendship, it's very rare for people to meet and become instant friends.  But that is what we expect from inlaw relationships, even worse the minute the ring goes on we expect instant familial relationships.  I think time and learning about each other and how we operate as people is the missing ingredient and I think it's missing on both sides of the equation.  For example my Mother in law never gave me any idea what to call her, the minute we married she signed Mom on her cards etc, she has never asked me and I have never called her Mom.  I think my reasons are valid that I don't.  For one, I have a mother who I call Mom and frankly the connotations I get from the name aren't that good. 2. I have a stepmother who I love very much who was in every way possible a real mother to me, I don't call her Mom.  Perhaps if my mother in law had taken a step back and looked at my relationships (of which she was aware)  she'd have talked to me before just expecting me to suddenly call her Mom?  Perhaps I should have taken the time to explain it made me uncomfortable? I think both sides need to give and take, just like any relationship.  How to get to that point right now has me stumped?


Yes, I can see that.  DIL used to call us Mom and Dad when they were dating...it made me feel bad for her Mom who she
said she didn't like.  I told her not to be that way and to love her mother. Now, her Mother is the Queen Bee. DIL was darling
to us when they were dating.  The second they married, she turned on us.

I wish it wasn't this way....maybe time will heal it.  The hate site has a whole post with many postings about the glorious
CBF now. I guess they're having a fun time reading about our heartbreak.

Time, something I'm running out of...(no, girls, this is not a poor pitiful, manipulative plea for "one last visit, please") 
maybe will heal some of this.  Let's  hope so. Too many hurts to count.


Postscript

We can only work on ourselves Chickie  ;D

2chickiebaby

Quote from: Postscript on April 11, 2010, 07:04:23 pm
We can only work on ourselves Chickie  ;D
[/quote

Yes, isn't it glorious

dirtyglassgrl

I am not afraid of my children loving all their grandparents,  I have kept in touch with my ex inlaws and they see my kids regularly.  I am in touch with my parents and they see my kids and one of my dh's sets of parents interact regularly with my kids as well.  I understand that children are not possessions to be hoarded or shared, they are people and they have a right to family and a childhood of memories of postive role models.  Some of the things that bothered me about set of inlaws that we are estranged from did involve secrets with my kids.  One of the secrets was for my kids not to tell me that inlaws were driving them around with out car seats and that one child was permitted to sit on the lap of the driver.  That is unsafe and illegal where I live, and one of the other secrets was cornering my kids and asking them who their "real father" is and why am I not married to him anymore.  Secrets can make kids very uncomfortable and upset and to anwer the other previous poster some of my concerns about adults encouraging kids to keep secrets can set them up for uncomfortable situations with other adults who do not have their best interests at heart.  That is where I was coming from regarding my previous post, that's all.  I accept and understand that my kids love me even when they love other as does dh, their love for others does not take love away from me or anyone else.

willingtohelp

I had one of those MILs who was overly excited about the idea of grandchildren.  Specifically, she started telling me about my future children and what she was going to do with them at my wedding shower.  I wasn't pregnant.  DH and I didn't even know if we were going to definitely have kids.  But she was planning when she'd be a grandmother.  And we were going to have a boy and a girl in her mind, and she was going to take the boy fishing and play Barbies with the girl, and I was going to go back to work immediately and use her as my daycare, and she was going to do x and she was going to do y. 

Notice how none of this was ever run by me, the imaginary child's future mother.  And in my mind, if we had kids, I was going to use all of my maternity leave (as I'm doing now), and I'm going to use the day care at my work so I can still breastfeed once I'm back at work, and if my girl wants to fish or my imaginary boy wants to play Barbie, I'm fine with that and won't force them to conform to stereotypes, and so on and so forth. 

For a grandmother to be excited about having a grandchild is normal.  For a grandmother to insist they be the FIRST to hold the child, or that they be in the delivery room, or go to the OB appointments, or something else that really falls under the parents/patient's jurisdiction is going overboard.  In many cases, the problem is that the grandparents have a number of expectations that butt against the parent's expectations, and if the grandparent expects to be able to feed candy to the kids, and the parents expect to raise their kids on a strict organic diet, guess who wins?  The problems come up when the grandparents are unwilling to adjust.  If you want to give candy to show your love and have a special relationship, and the candy is a no no, then give apples.  Or pretty marbles, or those little fuzzy headed trolls, or whatever floats your boat and sticks within the parents guidelines.  I know some parents are more permissive and others have a rulebook a mile long, but at the end of the day, they do get to decide what happens with their kids.  We've seen it on here time and time again.  Cut offs, distancing, etc.  The parents can ultimately make sure that grandma never slips the kid another piece of candy again if they want to.   And for many parents, it's not about the candy, or taking the child to a movie, or whatever.  It's about saying no and having the other person respect our authority enough to say, "OK, you're the mom, what you say goes." without trying to go around us or bully us into giving in.   

So I have some sympathy for anyone dealing with an overzealous grandmother.  If I can guess the post you're referring to, the poster in question has a MIL who ripped the poster's stockings off their wall because the MIL was the only person allowed to do stockings, tried to dictate who was going to hold the poster's child after he's born, and upon hearing that the poster was pregnant exclaimed that she (the MIL) is going to have a baby.   This is not a "normal" grandma. 

As far as secrets go, my parenting books have said that for little kids, you should never teach them to keep a secret from their parents.  For a gift or surprise, you say that we'll tell daddy on April 15th or whenever you're going to give them the surprise.  That way they can be taught that you never keep a secret from mom and dad (only possibly delay the telling), which means they'll hopefully tell us if Mr. McHooney is trying to touch them in a bad place or if Johnny hits them on the playground.  I don't think my daughter will always tell me everything, and I know I can't protect her from everything, but if I can protect her in some small way from pedophiles or bullies and I don't, then I've failed as a parent. 

As far as the CBF's go, I think it's the same as when MILs say that their son "finally stood up to her".  It seems like a small victory for the DIL.  And I think that no matter what side we're on (why do there have to be sides, ugh?), whenever there's a victory, the person will be happy.  I think the title is kind of gross, but the idea isn't that foreign.  People like to win.

As far as getting offended by what kids say, kids say the darndest things and misinterpret things so much that I don't think it's wise to get offended by what a child says.  I thought this back when Anna was relating the cat story.  Her grandson said that she should leave so they could get a cat.  And it was concluded that the DIL was turning the grandson against his grandmother.  It's also possible the DIL said, "No, Tommy, we can't have a cat because it will make grandma sick." A true statement, not intended to turn Tommy against grandma but to explain the situation, and still might make Tommy say "go away, we can't have a cat because of you".  You never know what causes kids to say and think certain things.   When I was little I didn't want to go over to my aunt's house.  She was really hurt by it and finally asked why I would never go to her house and said I hated it.  It was because I got stung by a bee there.  It has nothing to do with my aunt, my mom's opinion of her (which was positive), or her house, but until she knew the reason she was hurt. 

As far as grandma showers, I'm not a huge fan.  I'm also not a huge fan of baby showers or bridal showers in general.  The wedding shower I had was at the insistance of my MOH and my MIL.  I opted to have my friends get together for a girls day instead of a baby shower.  I just don't like anything that puts an obligation on someone to buy a gift.  I'm weird like that.   I guess it's just something about how registries and gift cards seem to be replacing thought and a genuine desire to give. 

Wow, what I thought would be a quick response has turned into an essay.  These are my opinions off the cuff (and written quickly while my daughter grabs a few zzzs).  Can't say they're worth the internet space they occupy, but there they are. 


2chickiebaby

Quote from: clover on April 11, 2010, 07:39:03 pm
I had one of those MILs who was overly excited about the idea of grandchildren.  Specifically, she started telling me about my future children and what she was going to do with them at my wedding shower.  I wasn't pregnant.  DH and I didn't even know if we were going to definitely have kids.  But she was planning when she'd be a grandmother.  And we were going to have a boy and a girl in her mind, and she was going to take the boy fishing and play Barbies with the girl, and I was going to go back to work immediately and use her as my daycare, and she was going to do x and she was going to do y. 

Notice how none of this was ever run by me, the imaginary child's future mother.  And in my mind, if we had kids, I was going to use all of my maternity leave (as I'm doing now), and I'm going to use the day care at my work so I can still breastfeed once I'm back at work, and if my girl wants to fish or my imaginary boy wants to play Barbie, I'm fine with that and won't force them to conform to stereotypes, and so on and so forth. 

For a grandmother to be excited about having a grandchild is normal.  For a grandmother to insist they be the FIRST to hold the child, or that they be in the delivery room, or go to the OB appointments, or something else that really falls under the parents/patient's jurisdiction is going overboard.  In many cases, the problem is that the grandparents have a number of expectations that butt against the parent's expectations, and if the grandparent expects to be able to feed candy to the kids, and the parents expect to raise their kids on a strict organic diet, guess who wins?  The problems come up when the grandparents are unwilling to adjust.  If you want to give candy to show your love and have a special relationship, and the candy is a no no, then give apples.  Or pretty marbles, or those little fuzzy headed trolls, or whatever floats your boat and sticks within the parents guidelines.  I know some parents are more permissive and others have a rulebook a mile long, but at the end of the day, they do get to decide what happens with their kids.  We've seen it on here time and time again.  Cut offs, distancing, etc.  The parents can ultimately make sure that grandma never slips the kid another piece of candy again if they want to.   And for many parents, it's not about the candy, or taking the child to a movie, or whatever.  It's about saying no and having the other person respect our authority enough to say, "OK, you're the mom, what you say goes." without trying to go around us or bully us into giving in.   

So I have some sympathy for anyone dealing with an overzealous grandmother.  If I can guess the post you're referring to, the poster in question has a MIL who ripped the poster's stockings off their wall because the MIL was the only person allowed to do stockings, tried to dictate who was going to hold the poster's child after he's born, and upon hearing that the poster was pregnant exclaimed that she (the MIL) is going to have a baby.   This is not a "normal" grandma. 

As far as secrets go, my parenting books have said that for little kids, you should never teach them to keep a secret from their parents.  For a gift or surprise, you say that we'll tell daddy on April 15th or whenever you're going to give them the surprise.  That way they can be taught that you never keep a secret from mom and dad (only possibly delay the telling), which means they'll hopefully tell us if Mr. McHooney is trying to touch them in a bad place or if Johnny hits them on the playground.  I don't think my daughter will always tell me everything, and I know I can't protect her from everything, but if I can protect her in some small way from pedophiles or bullies and I don't, then I've failed as a parent. 

As far as the CBF's go, I think it's the same as when MILs say that their son "finally stood up to her".  It seems like a small victory for the DIL.  And I think that no matter what side we're on (why do there have to be sides, ugh?), whenever there's a victory, the person will be happy.  I think the title is kind of gross, but the idea isn't that foreign.  People like to win.

As far as getting offended by what kids say, kids say the darndest things and misinterpret things so much that I don't think it's wise to get offended by what a child says.  I thought this back when Anna was relating the cat story.  Her grandson said that she should leave so they could get a cat.  And it was concluded that the DIL was turning the grandson against his grandmother.  It's also possible the DIL said, "No, Tommy, we can't have a cat because it will make grandma sick." A true statement, not intended to turn Tommy against grandma but to explain the situation, and still might make Tommy say "go away, we can't have a cat because of you".  You never know what causes kids to say and think certain things.   When I was little I didn't want to go over to my aunt's house.  She was really hurt by it and finally asked why I would never go to her house and said I hated it.  It was because I got stung by a bee there.  It has nothing to do with my aunt, my mom's opinion of her (which was positive), or her house, but until she knew the reason she was hurt. 

As far as grandma showers, I'm not a huge fan.  I'm also not a huge fan of baby showers or bridal showers in general.  The wedding shower I had was at the insistance of my MOH and my MIL.  I opted to have my friends get together for a girls day instead of a baby shower.  I just don't like anything that puts an obligation on someone to buy a gift.  I'm weird like that.   I guess it's just something about how registries and gift cards seem to be replacing thought and a genuine desire to give. 

Wow, what I thought would be a quick response has turned into an essay.  These are my opinions off the cuff (and written quickly while my daughter grabs a few zzzs).  Can't say they're worth the internet space they occupy, but there they are.


Clover, I was trying to name all the non-existent kids too, which DIL found funny. One of the names, though, she did
name on of her sons.  Thank goodness she liked it.  I was so excited and was looking at names, we both were.

I didn't get to hold the baby first. I never thought of doing that.  I don't know what else to say except when we made
mistakes, we were not aware they were mistakes. We are all learning from each other and I think that is the first
positive step we've made as a group. 

willingtohelp

I think if your DIL is also talking about kids, that's one thing.  To be at her wedding shower and start talking about kids that she's not even planning to have it another. 

dirtyglassgrl

I have never heard of a grandma shower either maybe it is the location where I live that does not do that?  I am not sure what it is.  If gma is going to babysit the new baby that often that she is going to need a crib and playpen perhaps parents should buy her one to thank her for the childcare?  And if she is not going to have baby that often or long maybe just have mom and dad bring a swing over when they visit?  I always took a swing with me for my kids when I went to former inlaws.  They never asked to make a room for my kids there and I never thought of it.  They kept one bottle and one formula at their house and a pack of diapers and wipes.  I always brought a diaper bag with extra clothes etc.

Carmexx

This topic stirs up old wounds for me!

I've talked about this before, but when I was pregnant with my son, my MIL was not nice to me at all.  She would tell me to "control" myself when I had nausea, would tell my BIL and her friends that she thought I was faking my symptoms, and she didn't even wish me happy b-day (even though we lived together) the first birthday after I was married.

Then my son was born after a long labor, and she tried to take my son from me. She would lock herself in her room with him at night and not come out until almost noon the next day. I was livid, livid, livid, but I was so scared that I didn't know how to stop this. This happened like 3 weeks, but it seemed like an eternity. Now (3 and a half years later) I would have never allowed this to have happened, but at the time I didn't know what to do. That stopped (her locking herself with him), but it still seemed like a fight over who would hold the baby or care for him. She would always get mad when I would get him, and my DH didn't help at all because he would always ask her whether the baby should eat or what should he wear, etc.

Things came to a head one day, and she left for almost a year. Once she came back, everything got better. Although we still have our issues, things have gotten remarkably better.


Carmexx

I forgot to add, even though what happened was hard and really did feel like a minefield, I don't know that it was entirely inevitable. I think it is a necessary rough first patch you have to cross before it gets easier. Perhaps it could have been a little smoother, but not entirely.

willingtohelp

I've actually been to three grandma showers for people in a club I'm in.  Two of them were nice happy affairs.  We ate cake, drank punch, chatted with our friend who was becoming a grandma, and gave her little gifts (books, little toys, baby spoons, etc) to celebrate the coming arrival.  The pregnant mom (daughter for one, DIL for the other) came and all was nice and happy. 

For the third, it was just a really awkward thing.  The woman, who is fairly controlling in our club, was just the same way about her coming grandchild.  She had a registry (the other two women did not) where she listed a crib, changing table, and the things needed if you're bringing a baby home, not babysitting.  She, in the course of the party, managed to comment on how she was going to keep her daughter from breastfeeding so she could feed the baby, too.  On how her granddaughter was going to be baptized Catholic regardless of the fact that her D and SIL were now Methodist, and then related the story about how she ambushed her D and SIL at their OB appointment because they said she couldn't be there but this is her baby, too, so she should get to see the ultrasound.  We all just sort of sat there and stared at our plates not knowing what to say.  It doesn't surprise me she's like this because she's like this about everything, but I can see how some of these DILs would be complaining if they had her as a MIL.  She only has daugthers, but I don't think that makes her any more "safe" since she's said her daughter has told her off and taken a break from her, too. 

I think in many ways, grandma showers can be great things or terrible things depending on who it's for.  And MILs or DILs can be great people or terrible people depending on who they are, not the title assigned.  It stinks that we got the short end of the stick in our respective departments. 

Pen

I've never heard of the Grandma Shower before. I wonder if there's a "Your Kids Have Grown and Moved Out, Now You need New Towels, Silverware, Dishes, & Sheets" Shower???  I could use a nice omelette pan, some lovely new hand towels, and some new everyday dishes. LOL!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb