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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


The

Started by Meryl, April 13, 2010, 06:03:09 am

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MLW07

Quote from: penstamen on April 13, 2010, 09:11:17 am
Maybe my attitude is skewed by my personal experience with my DIL, but the feeling I get in a lot of these cases is that some DILS are looking for reasons to hate their ILs. They see what they want and spin the "evidence" to their husbands, our DSs, to "cut them from the herd." There's no way we can have a relationship in a situation like that; we're doomed the minute the ring goes on her finger. My mom dealt with a truly awful MIL, so I learned what not to do. There are toxic, undermining MILs out there, but most of the MILs I know personally are not; they're shocked when their DILs turn on them suddenly with such venom. It makes any kind of communication impossible when you know you are disliked for being DS's parents.

I've been over this again and again, trying to come up with a reason, something I can change or do to make it better, but as DS says "It's not you, it's her." I would add, "It's her family, too." I wish it was just a communication problem in our situation!


I don't think all daughter in laws want to hate their MIL's.  The day the ring went on my finger the trouble started.  My DH had never seen that side of his SM or his GM.  My MIL and really the whole family is toxic and narcissistic...you are just another number in their eyes, not an individual.  It is so sad really, becuase they do not know what they are missing out on.  It just breaks my heart for my DH.  His MIL and I were great friends and I got along great with the damily.  When his Dm realized she could not control me that is when things spiraled out f control.  She told my Mom that "MLW07 has never dealt with this hardheaded Czech women, I get what I want." 
She demanded I convert to Catholicism, my own DH doesn't practice it.  I was told by his whole family that they hated and had from day one and that I ruined my wedding with my prescence.  It still breaks my heart...I always dreamed of having a big family.

Pen

I agree that all DILs are not like mine. That's why it came as such a shock, since I'd only heard about wicked MILs and was determined not to be one of those! I never knew hateful DILs existed. All I wanted was a happy family, too.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

dirtyglassgrl

Just wondering why, the thread ya'll are talking about is blaming it all on chickiebaby.

Laila9

Quote from: dirtyglassgrl on April 13, 2010, 12:50:09 pm
Just wondering why, the thread ya'll are talking about is blaming it all on chickiebaby.


I noticed that too! And Chickie has obv read it too as she's mentioned the thread in her most recent post!

I really hope its not true!! and if it isn't true then its very mean of them to accuse!

dirtyglassgrl

Yes, was just wondering, and ya'll have to have proof for one and also just why?

willingtohelp

And this is why good fences make good (internet) neighbors.  I prefer their stories stay there and our stories stay here.  We can talk about them and they can talk about us till the cows come home, but what does it really accomplish?

I thought it was interesting that Anna said her son says, "I know Mom, it's not you".  If you're son's like my husband, he's also saying, "I know DW, it's not you" to his wife.  I think, to some extent, my husband just tried to ride the fence and hope the ILs and I would work it out.  It wasn't until the ILs did something that hurt him directly that he got really involved in the conflict.   I think a lot of things could be settled before it reached a peak if the DH would mediate things or at least explain to the MIL/wife what the other might be thinking.

I also feel a bit of sympathy for the DILs on that site because my DH and I no longer interact with his parents.  I understand how you get to the point of "throwing his mother away" as the rogue poster put it.  There are toxic people that come in all shapes, sizes, colors, creeds, etc.  And we've all (the folks on both this site and the other site) gotten the short end of the stick and pulled one of these people for our MIL or DIL.   Maybe the DILs who have pulled a toxic MIL are luckier because we can "cut her off" without losing our children or husband while the MIL risks losing a section of her family if she cuts off the DIL.  Either way, I don't think any of us (the people on both sites) are doing what we're doing (be it cutting off, walking on eggshells, fighting, staying silent, whatever) without a lot of thought, and grief, and little joys, and sorrows, and all the other emotions that come with family dynamics.




Sassy

I have sent multiple alerts today. 

Luise has made it clear she does not want drama, trash, attention from the Doctor Phil show, participation in board wars, or for this website to have attention by being posted on hate sites.

I find it shameful what was done to her, to our, safe and loving place today. 

Pen

Clover, thank you. I really feel you understand what I've been saying about cutting off MIL/DIL. I have learned so much about what some DILs have to go through as well. This is what makes this site so special, and why I pray we can keep the hate out.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

jkm426

I came to this site to be on the flip side.... I have a wonderful relationship with my DIL and SIL.  My FDIL no so much.  SO I KNOW it is not me. 
She is rude to my face, talks about me behind my back.  Makes remarks about my DD's parenting or lack thereof.  Tells me how and what kind of grandparent I will get to be with their future children.  How much time I will get to spend with my son.  What changes I need to make in my life to suit her.

BIG NEWS FLASH-  I will not be controlled by a girl.  My House my rules!  My life my rules.  Come to Nonna's house with child and a set of "rules".  Leave with child and your "rules".  I am not changing my life or who I am for ANYONE.  If my son( who has defended me somewhat)will allow anyone to cut me out of his life....well his loss.  If his children(when he has some) are not allowed to see me, while it will hurt, their loss.  They will miss out on a great Nonna. 

I have worked too long and too hard to love and accept myself as the wonderful person I am, to allow my son's choice for a wife to destroy it, just because I don't live up to her ideals.

I am civil to FDIL.  At first I tried to include her in family events when son couldn't come.  Tried to see heron her own.  No dice.  I am done trying to make friends. 

dirtyglassgrl

Is it possible Anna that such a huga change may have been caused by some kind of Post Partum that was left untreated and then became her "new normal"?  I am not a dr but would be interested to know because it sounds like such a huge change.  Could it also be that now that she is a mother she doesnt have time for group dinners or vacations and has just thrown herself into a being a mom?  Have you ever tried to talk to her about what went wrong or how you could get back to how things were?  Have you tried to talk to your son?

Pen

Our DIL changed suddenly, too, but after the wedding instead of after childbirth.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb