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Learning to go on - thank you all!

Started by Elise, December 29, 2011, 10:26:00 AM

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Elise

December 29, 2011, 10:26:00 AM Last Edit: December 29, 2011, 10:49:07 AM by pam1
I've been visiting and reading here for months.  You have all helped me so much to begin coming to terms with my broken relationship with my only child ( son 32), married one year tomorrow. I was a single mom since he was under a year old, and until 3 years ago I thought we had won the lottery and beat all the odds. I raised him to be autonomous, he moved right along on schedule and has lived far away since he was 18, coming home when he could. We had become friends and thought we had a mutual relationship based on trust. He seemed to walk the world solid from both the heart and head, getting a fine education, making a good life for himself wherever he happened to be living at the time.

He brought his girlfriend from his early 20's back into his life about 3 years ago. I had liked her a lot the years I knew her, and hoped they would marry as they appeared so happy together - almost glowed it seeemd to me. The very day I remet her was the first time he screamed at me and within a month he was threatening to put me out of his life. Nothing had happened between us, so I tried to forget it when he would not talk about it, and in time his behavior deteriorated towards me into real emotional abuse. For a long time I thought he was under such stress he was just venting at me and I tried to ignore it. I remained loving and kind always to him and her, despite the escalation of abuse all through the last year. I thought in time he would settle down and either resolve his problems or finally tell me what I was doing which was upsetting him, since he would not address either when I tried. Sadly, that did not happen. 

I waited until all the wedding parties around the country were over finally in July. We are each others only family. When he ramped up the calls to me (way way too many the last 2 years) I finally started to stand up, trying to get him to stop the screaming at me, labeling me without examples, etc.  Then he moved into a variety of other destructive tactics, seeming to be trying to get me to accept his perceptions as real for me. Crazy-making for sure.  By Sept I knew this was not getting any better, as the things he would say once he could occassionaly talk without screaming moved into telling me what I thought and felt - very very wrong in all of his statements. He refused to listen to me, or let me speak. I went into therapy and that has helped me a lot in confirming his labels are projections most likely since they do not fit me. I also needed help in setting clearer boundaries. After a few months of not talking, he agreed to limit any relationship talks to skype only when we could be eye to eye and agreed phone calls were only to be on lighter subjects comfortable for both of us. He agreed either of us could use the word 'stop' if we became uncomfortable and the other would immediately stop , end the contact nicely and we could talk about what happened to stop communication the next day if we wanted or just wait to see how it went the next time. Because it was only one call on Skype in November that worked a little, I declined to allow them to come home at Xmas, agreeing instead to go to her parents a state away for a day the day after Xmas.  He was not happy about it though he agreed as his wife's family had invited me.  I took a hotel room and met him at a museum the other day for a little one on one time as he said he would feel awkward seeing me at their home without some one on one time.  We had a decent visit at museum, walked around a bit and I requested we find somewhere to get a hot chocolate as I was cold.  I wanted to sit across from him so I could look at him for a few minutes as he had avoided my eyes for so long. He could not hold my eyes and when I held his he became agitated and started getting hostile, telling me I was grandiose all afternoon ( his most often used label in the last year or so). He refused or was unable to give me an example though I requested same, saying he preferred to just tell me how I am, went on to tell me I am not retional anymore. At that point I told him to 'stop', he didn't, I waited to take a few breaths and calm down, he kept on swirling off into some other nonsense. At that point I stood up, put $20 on the table, said a swear word ( which I never say - have never in his life sworn at him) and walked out. He was behind me talking after a block or so, accusations of my resenting him marrying ( first time I heard that one) until I was at my car. I opened the trunk - full of presents and food, he was at the trunk, asked him if he wanted the food and presents, he said yes, I unloaded them into his arms and on the sidewalk, got in my car and sat there.  He stood outside the car at the front bumper, I could see his lips moving, could hear nothing, busy street scene. After a couple of minutes he elbowed the passenger window, I put down the window, he leaned down and said "you can't do tis to me, I will be humiliated with my inlaws, etc.  I looked at him and said 'choices'. I waited until he moved back from the window, saying nothing other than about himself. He was raised with the mantra ' choose the behavior and you are choosing the consequences', so I think he knew all he had to say was "i'm sorry' and I would relent and help him save face. He has not been able to say those words or won his behavior to me these years.  I sat there until he walked away, thinking. I knew I could help him by just accepting what he had done and save face for him by putting up with the resentment and cold treatment I would get at the inlaws from everyone other than the grandmother, or I could enforce the agreed boundaries which were inplace, even if only in the last 2 months.  I chose the boundareis and drove off.

My son completely changed in these years to me, he has a psychology undergrad degree and much training in how to manage conflict and proper communication skills.  I have never even yelled at him in his whole life - he was such a wonderful son. He married a clinical psychologist who does autism research. I wish them well, and am detaching with love, giving it to God. I may never know any more than I know now, which is little about why and how and all that. I am working on acceptance and must be getting there.  The tears are far fewer than I would expect, maybe I have cried an ocean and am dry. Maybe it is just because all I am losing now are my final illusions.

It helps so much to share this finally and you all have helped me so much get to here, even though it is no place I would ever have imagined my family would wind up - destroyed.  We are strong, we go on, we will be ok in time.

faithZeldas1

I too am so thankful for WWU. The healing I've experienced is astonishing to me. So much is unexpected; I have many more problems than what I thought : ) haha.
I too was of only my AS & me as family. Now it's him & his pregnant GF. My family is me & my 2 small ol dogs.
You were very brave & strong in that car that day.

pam1

Welcome Worrying :)

Please read the Forum Agreement and WWU History (both located in the category Open Me First.)  We ask all new members to do so not b/c there is anything wrong with your post.  WWU also gets hit with bouts of spam, just ignore it, we have 4 mods that work to try to delete it as fast as we can.

You came to the right place, many posters will be able to relate.  I'm glad you're finally able to get this off your chest, what a load to carry!  Setting those limits were good and I hope you are able to maintain them.

As I read through it and his accusations thrown at you, it sounds like he is projecting.  Whether projecting his own thoughts about himself or new wife, I don't know...but it's projection for sure. 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Begonia

Hello W:  Welcome to the forum and so sorry to read your story about the events in your life.  The sad part is that you say the two of you are your only family.  Then DS went on to marry and have a family and strikes out at you.  This is such a familiar story here on these boards, and as you know you are not alone.  It seems healthy to me that you have moved beyond accepting the accusations and trying to make nice out of unacceptable behaviors. Keep going in that direction. 

Whatever was is in the past and you have the comfort of knowing that you have never sworn at him (I still can swear like my dad if someone cuts me off in traffic!!).  It sounds to me like you are searching for reasons why he is acting this way...which you know is a futile exercise.  Save your energy at this point.  Take a breather from him, set a "cooling off" period where you will not contact him or answer his calls.  Two weeks, a month, until next Christmas ::) then stick to it and go about your life.

Nothing to be ashamed about your story here.  Everyone understands.  We try not to dwell on the why's, we just encourage each other to move forward.  It's like when a boat gets a leak.  We can watch the water come in or bail out and let the ship sink without us. You have a lot to look forward to, don't look back at that sinking ship, keep headed for solid footing.  Life will get better. Keep posting!
Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a mystery, Today is a gift (Eleanor Roosevelt)

Ruth

You are strong, and you do not appear to me to be enmeshed in your ds's behavior.  This is when it really gets crazy and goes like a fast train, very hard to stop or turn it around.  I don't have any insight for you, worrying, but I would say that you can only spew hate at someone you actually have or had felt love for.  My own ds looks at me with a blank face, and would never even soothe me with a display or anger/rage, which would at least give me something to work with.  Just nothing.  So I applaud your courage to say no, and step away.  This is his battle and he has to grow up and become a man, degree or no degree, he has to learn to handle adult emotions and you only learn that in the furnace of affliction. 

Elise

Thank you for the encourging words.  Faith Z - not sure I was brave, just chose to enforce the boundaries we had agreed on after a 2 month period when I would not talk to him. Pam 1 - thank you and sorry for the bad way I put the bad word - thanks for correcting if you were the one. I have read the open me first and reading more now so I will know better how to post and navigate here. I feel like my DS is in serious psychological trouble and it is very hard for me to know how to take care of myself without not being there for him, yet I am slowly finding my way,doing the best I can.  Seems he thinks I am just not loving him, told me I am not there for him anymore.  In time....peace will come. Begonia - right on - I am still searching for reasons, and you are so right , totally futile to do that, as there is so much I do not know and he will not tell me. I thought I was past teaching him anything, now wonder if that car scene will turn out to be my last teaching to him.  If it is, I will be able to feel ok in time as it may help him prevent more destruction in his life.

Because I believe everything that happens in our lives is a teaching, I am waiting for awareness in myself to emerge to let me know what I have or am learning from all this pain, to learn what he is teaching me by all this.

I'm moving on - have lots of friends and their kids and grandkids who like and love me around and increasing that circle all the time. Without them I think I would not have been able to hang on so long and wait and then finally stand up now - better late than never.

Elise

Ruth - I think I was emmeshed in the crazy making behavior for quite a while as I took his labels in and his criticisms as I just knew (wrong) he would never say such things to me unless there was something there.  The long journey of the last 2 years with my mother's dementia which ended in March '11 with her passing, had me pretty vulnerable and it took me a long time to be sure.  I was always able to respond without anger or accusations, just reason, though for a long time I could not be sure I was sane completely.  You all have helped me as have my friends and my therapist now - I found a great one! It is just the Jekyl and Hyde thing - so very strange and scary in some undefined way to me.

On a good note I went to friends on Xmas eve and had a great time. I found a few other "strays' like me and had a group for Xmas at my home.  I have to say I laughed a lot, and had the easiest most relaxed Xmas ever.  Peace and love to all of you wise women.

lisafox41

Welcome,
When I first found this site, I was in so much pain. It has been amazing to read all the posts here and realize we have so much to learn from one another.
There is no sense trying to reason with "crazy" behavior. I read this quote in a magazine and thought it was applicable to so many of us...

"There comes a time in your life when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh. Forget the bad and focus on the good. Love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who don't. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living."
One day I realized I had hit a brick wall and I needed to turn around. I was tired of trying to be somewhere physically and emotionally I was not welcomed..even if it was my own daughter.
There is no "why". That's the first thing most of us learn. It's about them not us and we have to stop trying to figure it out because it isn't logical. That's step one on the road to healing."

Take care

Keys Girl

Worrying, as a former single parent, I know the burden of worrying, working, and doing it all was a set of circumstances that I wouldn't wish on anyone.  I always thought that if I "did the right thing", things would work out well in the end.  It hasn't happened that way, I'm sad to report but maybe it's not "the end" yet.

I congratulate you on choosing the boundaries and moving ahead on your own.  It takes a profound amount of determination to put your self interests ahead of your adult children's. 

I think acceptance is the ultimate solution, but it comes like wearing a pair of new shoes, it becomes more comfortable as you "wear" it more and more.

I think "destroyed" is a very strong and negative word to use about your family, "a work in progress" is a term I prefer.  Sometimes the progress is slow as molasses, but if you are moving forward in any positive fashion, I think that counts as progress.

Welcome to WWU, and thank you for posting.

KG
"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown

firelight

Welcome, Worrying.....

we ladies here know full well the kind of emotional pain that problems and conflicts with our AC can cause.  It's real physical pain too.  I was in a bad place when I found this site and it has helped tremendously .....just knowing we're not alone helps a lot.  My DD and I were so close for so many years I would have never thought it would have turned into what it did.   Sometimes we just don't see it coming.   

Keep posting and sharing.  It helps to get through the craziness. 

We like hearing good things too so if you have a share sometime like that, we love those! :)   
Firelight

"When you allow life to flow... without struggle... your Soul is restored."   ~z2z~

Elise

Keyes Girl and all;  thank you for the support.  You are right, destruction is a negative word to use and I hope soon I will be able to see my little family as other than destroyed, in some more positive light.   For now, I do not know how else to characterize a relationship with my son devoid of trust and respect. Yet I will try. I know we draw to us what we think about so I keep sending out  love to DS and DIL.

I'm sending love to all of you as well. I keep finding tidbits in reading the posts here which make me know it can get better, so I do have hope though it is thin on the ground after the last years and the escalation DS's hostility. Louise, you have given us all a gift with this site, a caravan not of despair, even as we all suffer and grow, we go on, and know our sisters of the heart are with us, cheering from the sidelines or even carrying us when we do not think we can walk any longer.  I am far past the not walking point thankfully, yet far from true healing. I will get there, I am determined to be an old woman full of laughter, with a thankful heart. I learned a long time ago that sometimes the people who are supposed to love us sometimes don't, and that family of the spirit is an incredible gift. Peace and love to all and most of all to our children who appear so distressed  in different ways. I try to remember they are struggling as well, and very confused, even as they throw their garbage at us.

firelight

you said it best: 
"Peace and love to all and most of all to our children who appear so distressed  in different ways. I try to remember they are struggling as well, and very confused, even as they throw their garbage at us."

We all know we love our AC very much even though we sometimes have to love them from a distance...at least for the time being.  We'll take what we can get till it gets better as we learn to insist on renewed respect and boundaries.  Self-preservation for me is what it's about for now and we can focus on ourselves for a change as our AC journey through their own junk.... (it's a new way of thinking for us and those we love).  Hoping for a better year. 
Firelight

"When you allow life to flow... without struggle... your Soul is restored."   ~z2z~

firelight

I'll always be here for my DD, but not as a doormat.   ;)
Firelight

"When you allow life to flow... without struggle... your Soul is restored."   ~z2z~

Elise

Firelight - I'll keep that - not being a doormat - in the front of my mind when I feel so worried I let down my guard. So hard to have to have my guard up with my DS, makes me shake my head.  You take care of you ok?  I'm going to read and meditate so I can sleep tonight.  Thanks for your wisdom. Love coming your way from me....

luise.volta

Welcome: You now ave a cyber-family!  :) Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama