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19 year old daughter disrespect

Started by Pattipal4, December 27, 2011, 09:00:28 am

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Doe

Remember that cats and dogs comparison?

The dog thinks "they love me, they feed me, they play with me and care for me - they must be gods."
The cats thinks "they love me, they feed me, they play with me and care for me - I must be a god."

I'm beginning to think some children are the same way! I'm lucky to have a 'dog' son in addition to 'the cat' son.

Smilesback@u

Wow Ninamarie, just love your post.  So well put and there you are across the water experiencing the same type of generational gap.  It is amazing that we are so close in thought and experience in different countries.  I totally agree with you about not taking on any guilt trips ever again...so when I hear my DS say something that hits my Alert Button--something along the lines of I shoulda, or I owe him, I am sensing that I am in the conflict again.  I wonder whether to object to what he says or just suck it up cuz I am the parent.  I have been through several upsets now with this DS/DIL that I am experienced enough to know that I do not physically tolerate this type of stress of being blamed and expected to do more and more and more to make their lives easier.  I have been guilted with statements that I am not that good, If I don't want a close relationship with the GC, and when I declined to join or planned something without the 2 yr old, I got blasted.  Then what happens next, is that I get physically ill -- I feel confused, dizzy and sick to my stomach almost immediately - like what happened?  I never used to be this way...course I was in control of my life and as a parent did not tolerate being treated with disrespect.  So I agree that we should keep our self respect at all costs -- and I affirm that we should not give over control of our life to our family.  We can pursue our own interests and if the family gets together without a lot of blame game stuff, then fine, otherwise, I am on the side of looking ahead to a bright future, saying directly what I want and forever wishing the best for my DSs and the GC.  I am not open to receiving blame or unrealistic expectations, and I don't approve of hearing threats that it costs too much for the DS/DIL/GC to fly for a visit -- hint hint hint (I am not going to pay for their visit -- I am not Oprah after all with zillions to save the world.  I am a responsible nearly 60 year old, working full time still, who has already raised my 3 sons and worked hard at that.  Since the family is not gungho to visit, I will gladly let go of my DSs so that they can forge their own lives.  Visit or not -- I am certainly getting to where I can live with the No Visits eventuality.  It goes that way even for the very very best relationships between parents and their families.  You are not alone:)

Pattipal4

Thanks to all for your understanding and sharing your insight and experiences.  Now that the new year is in full swing, and daily routines are back in place, I am beginning to feel more peaceful about the situation with my 19 year old AD.  We haven't talked and so far I am ok with that.  I sent her the new medical coverage card, even after I said she could find her own coverage, which was said in anger.  I wrote a note with it, "take care, love mom".  That was it.  My remaining fear is that she will stick by what she said and never want a relationship.  That is still really bothering me....the unknown.  This may sound stubborn however I do not wish to be the one to initiate a conversation to make amends.  She needs to do that. Thoughts?



firelight

I get stubborn like that too sometimes but I eventually break down and initiate a communication.  Once the anger is passed, you might too if she doesn't.  I always say I won't do it but I always end up doing it!   ???
ha!
Firelight

"When you allow life to flow... without struggle... your Soul is restored."   ~z2z~

Pooh

I pulled those stubborns too and then a few weeks later would break down and send a text, call...something because I would always go back to the "he needs to know that I love him and think about him".  With my final stubborn it finally hit me that he dang well knows that I love him and think about him.  No reciprocation or answer didn't make ME feel he loved me and that he was thinking about me.  So no more.

I'm supposed to make him feel loved and secure at the cost of allowing him to make me unloved and unwanted??  Bah!  That's why most roads have traffic running both directions.  So everything runs smoothly and equally.  It's those one-way roads that can cause you grief.  I can choose to go down a one-way road, with no expectations of having traffic coming at me, or I can go it in the wrong direction and have a very high potential of a crash.

I choose to hit the freeway with all the people that love me and make me feel loved. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Doe

I'm with Pooh on this one, and that's also after moving through and past the "but he needs to know I love him" phase.  My epiphany came when I realized that even if my son responded, I didn't like him as much as I used to. (yeah,yeah,yeah, I love him).  I was pining for someone who isn't there anymore.

My suggestion is to do what makes you feel better, regardless of what response you get/don't get from her.  If you need to make a change, it will come from within.

themuffin

Amen Pooh!!!  I don't know why I felt the need to let DS know that regardless of it all I love him, when he never thought it important that I know the same. 

Why is it that I feel that I have to be the one to reach out and say "Just thinking of you and hope all is well."?  Do you have any idea how many weeks I would be dead before anyone found my decomposing body if someone was depending on DS to check on me????


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Ruth

O somebody hold me back on this one!   Now this hits home, the 'I need to call him because he needs to know that I love him', and thank you Smiles for the point that how do i feel when ds doesn't contact me, do i feel loved or remembered?  Its a new year, and I'm getting even tougher on bad manners and rude behavior.  I think Tulip you said how long would your dead body lie decomposing if it depended on your ds checking up on you....thank you for mirroring my own thoughts.  I think we are really 'too good' to our a/c, many of them at least, because they don't have a low self esteem as we were told by the psychologists, they have a big arrogant disposition.  For those who can stomach it, the best thing is to not keep giving in to that panic.

lisafox41

Oh yeah!!! For sure my AD knowing how much I love her has never stopped her from treating me horribly. So it is time to change the equation.
She knows my number...this time it is up to her.

luise.volta

Yup, moving on to how much you love and respect yourself. Good for you!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

firelight

so much good, wise stuff on this one!  Pooh that is awesome!  You're right about not getting that love and caring reciprocated yet we keep doing it.  They take us for granted because we teach them to do it! 

I like Doe's idea too, we should do what we want to make us feel better and not be too concerned about what they think of us.....

and the dead decomposing body comment:  LOL....I have wondered that very thing. 
Firelight

"When you allow life to flow... without struggle... your Soul is restored."   ~z2z~

Pattipal4

I reached out by phone and called  my 19 year old today.  I kept thinking, God forbid something happen to me, I can't leave the relationship in its current state.  She answered the phone. I told her I missed her, and maybe we could have an adult conversation sometime.  I heard the same angry attitude and blame.  The only glimmer of hope was she said "I hurt her feelings".  At least that tells me there is still a human being in there somewhere underneath all the anger.  My intention was to reach out but not argue.  I was as calm as possible, said I love you and ended the conversation.  I've done and said things myself over the years that I wish I could take back. Only wish she would see her part in this.   I've opened the door, so I can at least live with the situation without bearing all of the guilt. 

Smilesback@u

UPDATE:   >:(  I am disappointed, and angry at the hypocrites -- my DS/DIL.  I was well aware that living up to my beliefs that I am not expected to pay airfares for DS/DIL/GC to visit us -- was not going to be without heartache.  My birthday is next month on the same weekend as my GD who turns "3".  My DS/DIL called to say he was thinking we could celebrate my big "60" at my other DS in AZ.  It was his idea for godsake!  We would all fly from our respective states, meet up in AZ.  So we talked with our other DS and confirmed the invite - we arranged airfare and got the motel.  I did some research on toddler b-day parties and found something affordable.  I was willing to plan and pay for GD celebration in the style DIL demands in order for it be "a nice party" - it would be fun too and less than $25.00 all together.  I thought DIL and I could talk and decide who would buy a cake and any other details.  I always did home parties, myself, with homemade games and prizes, homemade cake and I would invite the number of guests based on their age (3 year olds - get to have 3 guests etc).  DS/DIL on the other hand spend a heckuva lot more as do their group of friends --for designer parties planned at Gymboree etc.  Sorreee -- these may be more for the parents than the preschoolers in my book -- keeping up with the Joneses never looked so riiiidiiiiculous.  So a couple weeks ago I called to confirm with DS/DIL that we are all set to go to PHX.  Only I hear then, "we were just thinking about it.  It is in the preliminary stages.  It is going to cost a lot to fly all 4 of us"---- blah blah blah.  I confirmed we are going to go and hope they can too.  So today, I called DS to see if he received our Christmas presents (as they had been visiting DIL's family over Christmas, which is the same old story -- it is ALL about HER family).  He did, said they were nice.  Ok, good enough, I will take that as a yes for receiving photobooks of our visits together.  I liked these gifts to speak for me like FACTS which  speak louder than words -- we care, we are family and we show it.  We chatted it up about the GC and DIL's family - everybody is doing well.  DS is having our other DS (his stepbro) stay with them 5 days.  Kudos to DS/DIL for opening their home to him.  So there is good in everyone.  Let me not go over that too lightly.  But there is a BUT, because DIL wants 3 year old GD to have a party with her 3 year old friends, they could not find another weekend for her party since they have so many bday parties scheduled to go to.  They will not be able to go to AZ to celebrate her bday or mine.   :-[  I listened, not really shocked or surprised.  Is it all about money?  Probably.  Am I going to wish I had paid for their airfares?  No.  Stop me if I do - please.  (They can afford it -- he is a lawyer making 6 figures).  I spoke my mind, though.  "I said I was disappointed.  I said travel then is fine weather wise, no worries.  I said I have to respect where they are coming from.  It would be nice to celebrate birthdays all together as a *family*.   We cannot be at everyone's birthday that's for sure. " (Which is true...but so why not try when you can?)  I tell you truly, I get what Doe said - I am pining away for someone who is not there anymore.  Good luck DS with your DIL, you are both hypocrites -- all talk about family being soooo important.  But what you really mean is, family is expected to spend, spend, spend on you, you, you -- and when it comes to visiting together, the money better roll out of our pockets or you don't make the time to see us or show us affection.  I am so DONE with feeling guilty that I have not done enough for them.  Forget it, then.  Ok luise, pooh and dear WWU friends -  I will do that - re=focus on loving myself, spending good times with reciprocating peoples or at least not go out of my way with family who do not intend to act like adults.  I am not going to Mother these people as if they were children and feel guilty that I am not doing enough.  Hope you get me, and don't blame me for ranting on.  I love my DS, but how much hypocrisy can one stand?   

Smilesback@u

Quote from: Smilesback@u on December 30, 2011, 12:12:05 pm
Thanks, firelight.  I think it is an everyday job for me right now to not let go of my stance that the Dear Adult Sons, DAS, can figure out for themselves how to spend their time and money without my worrying about it anymore.  I can live without seeing them, and realize they are busy with their own lives.  I read another post, forget who said it, but really, do I need all this drama anymore?  LIfe is short and I have work to do, like the Pooh, for instance, I could count all the bees in the hive.  Lalala, I am going to be 60 in a couple months, still working full time and saving for retirement.  Get a clue, I am not going to pay for airfares to visit me or pick up the tab for restaurant when I visit.  I am not made out of money.  Still have a good rant left in me about this, I guess.  Anyways, keep the laughs coming...they sure help :)


Still have a rant about all of this - god help me, amen. 

luise.volta

Smiles - You are "cluttering everything up with logic!" You aren't supposed to think, much less feel. And I am with you 100%. There is the self-respect factor. I think that when we devalue ourselves and let others steamroll us, it is seriously harmful. I mean that. Good for you for taking a stand...within yourself...regarding not being the doormat. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama