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when is it ok?

Started by willingtohelp, April 07, 2010, 09:34:02 AM

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Carmexx

Chickie, you sound so happy that it warms my heart! I'm glad you had this breakthrough.

2chickiebaby

Quote from: Carmexx on April 10, 2010, 06:14:14 AM
Chickie, you sound so happy that it warms my heart! I'm glad you had this breakthrough.

Thank you, Carmexx, it's a good feeling to know my sons still love me. I didn't know that...I thought that was only reserved
for Mothers of Daughters and I didn't have a daughter. 

2chickiebaby

Quote from: cremebrulee on April 10, 2010, 02:50:44 AM
Quote from: Postscript on April 09, 2010, 10:17:05 PM
Thanks Chickie, gosh we've talked a lot!

It's nice to be heard and to hear I'm not being childish or anything.  I've been feeling a little vulnerable since last night when my husband went to visit and got offside with me for not wanting to go.

I will get this beaten, just like I sorted out my own mother's relationship with me.  Thank you for helping me get my thoughts back in line.

Go and sleep now, peacefully.

Yes, I agree, this forum is a God sent...
as badly as my mother has treated me, I can't cut her off...yes, she did a lot of damage, and always will...however, I do feel sorry for her and know she did the best she could with the tools she was given...very bad parenting on the part of her parents...my cousin and I sit and wonder, as we never knew our grandparents...however, her mother is just like mine, therefore, it can't be simply one bad child, but something in the way they were raised to think and believe, b/c my mother's sister is just like her...my cousin hasn't talked to her parents for many years now.  My mother only calls me when she wants something..she has no one else, so, I go help her.  However, I don't think of her as my mother....my foster mother will always be my mom....

You're a good woman, Creme and in the end, you'll have no regrets.  I think that's one of the best things you can give
yourself.....no regrets.

cremebrulee

ohhh Chickie, but I do have regrets....I'm impatient, and with my mother, it's tough...after I leave her I always become so angry with myself for opening my mouth and arguing with her...I don't know if this makes any sense to anyone, but her last husband was a good man, everyone loved him...so did we...I called him dad.  When he became ill with cancer, she was so nasty to him...he was in the hospital and on a Sunday, his doctor had the nurses station call me and ask me to meet him there.  When we got there I was so embarrassed...she was carrying on terrible and when the doctor came in, he yelled at me and said, "your mother is mentally ill....she needs to be institutionalized!"  She was making a big fuss in front of my dad, about the bag he had, and she said, it's going to stink and I'm not going to help him with it...Chickie, I'm crying now, b/c I cannot imagine how my dad felt.  He was so good to her all those years...well, I went into his room, and sat on his bed, and said, "Dad, if I had my breasts removed, would you love me any less....?  He started to cry...and I said, Daddy, I love you with all my heart and always will...we will get thru this...".  Then he started to sob...and I told him to go ahead and let it out, and I held him...he was so small from the weight he had lost...when I walked out of his room he was laughing...the nurses station was right outside his room...apparently he was so depressed he wouldn't eat...the nurses were standing outside his door listening and they started to clap...but all I could do was cry...b/c I know my mother and the fuss she would make.  You talk about selfish nasty people...my mother would win the prize...after my dad died, not long thereafter....I couldn't talk to her or go to see her for a very long time....I was very angry with her for the way she treated him....awful!!!!

So, now, I suppose, whenever I'm around her, that always sticks with me and I loose my temper with her at times...instead of just shaking my head and agreeing.  My one cousin is a minister and we just discussed this last week...he said, I have to forgive...and I'm trying to...I really am...it's so hard though.

So, while I appreciate your kindness, Chickie...I'd be a better person if I could just let her vocalize and keep my mouth shut tight and just let it roll off my back...but sometimes it's very hard.  The poor woman has no one...and I used to say to her..."mom, you should be nicer to me, cuz I'm all you got".  But she'd just get really nasty and tell me what a horrible person I am. 

I really didn't spend much time with her as a child...I was at my foster parents home, all the time...she used to hit me a lot, and I know she hit dad to, but he never said anything. 

So, it's hard to like her, let alone, love her...and I haven't even began to tell you about the things she did to me....

I just feel very very sorry for her, nothing more....I think about how lucky I was and am, and there is no amount of money that could buy whay I've had in my lifetime as far as being bought up by a good family...one that never yelled or hit each other...a loving compassionate family...who literally saved my life. 

Hugs to you girlfriend, and thank you

2chickiebaby

Gosh, Creme...it amazes me that people can be so sick and still live on the earth.  Your Mother is one of those...I guess the
reason she still lives is that she's so sick that she has no idea she's sick.  The Dr. was probably right, she does need to
be instituationalized.  It might do her more good than being able to walk around like she does.

Normal people understand they can't treat people like she does but not her, she's so sick she doesn't know that.

I'm sorry you had to go through all this, Creme.  It's made you a better person, though.  Small comfort for all you've
been through but it's allowed you to see what your DIL might be feeling.  At least that's something.

I guess what I have learned and I know it's too late is that we are all scarred by something.  I wish it wasn't true
but we are. 

Thinking of you. :)

Pen

Creme and Chickie, I'm thinking of you both so much today. We've really been through it, eh? My dad is a narcissist and my sibling and I suffered for it. I haven't cut him off, but I haven't been able to forgive him yet either. I know forgiveness will help me move forward, and I've gotten close, but can't seem to do it. He married a woman who is his equal and she's also done a number on me. What are the odds?
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

2chickiebaby

April 10, 2010, 05:28:34 PM #96 Last Edit: April 10, 2010, 05:30:21 PM by 2chickiebaby
Quote from: penstamen on April 10, 2010, 05:12:30 PM
Creme and Chickie, I'm thinking of you both so much today. We've really been through it, eh? My dad is a narcissist and my sibling and I suffered for it. I haven't cut him off, but I haven't been able to forgive him yet either. I know forgiveness will help me move forward, and I've gotten close, but can't seem to do it. He married a woman who is his equal and she's also done a number on me. What are the odds?

I know what you mean Penstamen....I can't think of my father without getting sad.  He never loved me, ever. I know he's ]
responsible for my Mother's death.  Not overtly but by just being his brutal self.  She had no other out from him. His last
wife and he adopted a child and left all he had to that child, leaving my brother and me out in the cold.  I don't know
how I feel about him but when he died (at 51), I cried.  Maybe for what could have been.  He seemed very frightened
when he was dying.  He had been quite angry at God, denying His existence,  but was crying for God when he was dying. 

I seem to pour my heart out to all of you and feel safe.  I would never do that anywhere else. 

RedRose

Quote from: 2chickiebaby on April 10, 2010, 06:39:57 AM
Quote from: Carmexx on April 10, 2010, 06:14:14 AM
Chickie, you sound so happy that it warms my heart! I'm glad you had this breakthrough.

Thank you, Carmexx, it's a good feeling to know my sons still love me. I didn't know that...I thought that was only reserved
for Mothers of Daughters and I didn't have a daughter.

Chicky...I am so happy for you. It's been a long time coming.  I knew your sons loved you I'm glad you know that too.