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when is it ok?

Started by willingtohelp, April 07, 2010, 09:34:02 AM

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2chickiebaby

Gosh, Penstamen, I got two minuses...so join the club.  I don't know even how to give one of those things.  I kind of know
who gave it so that's okay.

I think you're wonderful and that's what matters with me.  I know your DDD is perfect too, not a throw away at all.  I have
a friend who has 2 DDS's.  They are her babies and she loves them. They are perfect too.

Yep, when you're ganged up on, it's a no win situation.  You lose. I know you want a relationship with your DIL so much.

I know Postscript wishes she had a good one with her MIL.  I know that's all we all want.  All of us on this site want a good
relationship with either MILs or DILs.  That's why we're here.  People who really don't give two hoots and a holler don't
write on these forums. 

We're all hurting here.

2chickiebaby

Quote from: Postscript on April 08, 2010, 06:15:28 PM
Penstamen some people when attacked come out fighting and spitting, some back off.  I backed off and out.  If she wants a relationship with me, she's making no effort to have one.

I hope someday she will, Postscript. :)

Pen

Postscript, I understand what you mean. I just fold when attacked, and suck it up so we can continue to see DS. I hope you get a chance to mend your relationship, but you're right, it takes two. Best wishes.

Chickie, I feel like I lost my "thumbs down virginity." And I was always the good girl! LOL
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

2chickiebaby

At least you didn't get 2 minuses, Pen.   She must be REALLY mad at me!!

Postscript

I don't know when I got mine  :(  I must be bad huh? 3 to 1 ?

2chickiebaby

We got them this evening.  We must be doing something right, Pen.  The good girls getting whacked!

Postscript

How can I tell when I got mine? I didn't honestly notice until Penstamen noted hers.

Pen

You're hangin' with a tough crowd, Postscript ;) I'm not sure how to tell - I think it's all anonymous.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Postscript

ooooh I feel like Sandy when she joined the pink ladies in Grease!

2chickiebaby

You got one too, Postscript?  You are a Pink Lady now!!  Somebody has got it in for us! 

Postscript


2chickiebaby

Quote from: 2chickiebaby on April 08, 2010, 06:29:25 PM
At least you didn't get 2 minuses, Pen.   She must be REALLY mad at me!!

Someone popped in long enough to give me another minus!  It's okay. 

"Someone"
has shown her true colors. ;)

cocobars

I hope this isn't directed at me.  I don't do the negatives, and it seems I have one too, even though I wasn't involved in your arguing last night.  When I came through, I was replying to some PM's I received through my email, and wrote some.  I would think if you know you are not respectful to others, you would be watching for negatives too, but that's just my opinion.  I really thought more of this site than all this and am disappointed that this went on here.

I still would like to thank many of you for support and understanding.  I guess another woman was right when she said to me on her way out, "one bad apple can really spoil the barrel."  I've learned my lesson.  Thank you.

Carmexx

If it's alright with the group, I'd like to once again go back the very important issue that was brought up originally about when it is enough.

I was reading a book on boundaries also (although written by Drs. Cloud and Townsend) and they were talking about how to deal with people who are hurting you. Since the whole point of boundaries in their book is that you cannot and should not control how another person acts and the only thing to really control is what you do, then if a person is hurting you, the only thing you can do is remove yourself from the situation so that you are no longer being hurt. So I really don't view that as shutting the other person out, I see it as me walking away until the behavior that hurts me is no longer being done.

Penstamen, I know what you mean about the more you feel bullied, the weirder the behavior gets. I felt that way with my MIL. I am naturally a very cheerful person who loves to talk to anyone who will listen and who loves to help anyone who is in need. However, after my MIL started acting strange with me, I became very fearful and would seclude myself in my bedroom (since she lives with us). I wouldn't talk around her or say that I was sick or tired (bad pregnancy) because she would make me feel like it was my fault. About 4 months after my son was born, and after repeated things that happened, I changed from scared to angry, and I stopped saying good morning to her or even talking to her. My husband was shocked because he knows that I'm not like that, but I couldn't help it. Then she left for almost a year, and when she came back, everything was much better. I'm no longer scared or angry, but the truth is that I can't fully forget everything that happened. Although I'm sad to say this, I don't think I will ever feel for her what I used to feel (I believed in the whole Ruth/Naomi relationship, but not anymore).

However, when she's having a good day and being very nice, we can have a nice conversation, and I'll even take her out to lunch and what not, but when she starts acting up again, sometimes I feel myself withdrawing into either the scared or angry person. I'm working on that because that is not a good thing to do. We can't let how others behave control how we react (I believe it's called codependency in the book I was reading). But these bad habits take time to overcome, just like everything else.

cremebrulee

Quote from: clover on April 07, 2010, 09:34:02 AM
Chickie's post got me thinking....when is it ok to say enough?

She said her friend was cut off for the silliest little reason.  Which reasons are OK and which ones are silly?  I think most of us would agree cutting off someone who is physically or sexually abusive is ok.  What about verbally?  And when does it go from "lost their temper" to "verbally abusive"? 

While you all have been so accepting, I am "one of those girls".  My DH and I haven't seen his parents in 2 1/2 years.  And I wonder if our reasons would be considered valid or silly.  And if it's hurting her son and DIL so much, is the reason really silly?  I'm just interested in getting your perspective on the whole thing.


Hi There,

I'm going to chime in this one, b/c I used the word silly...when applying it to the problems with my DIL.
When I started to change my attitude about this whole thing, meaning, let go of blame, and realized, I was responsible for my own pain during all of this...and I'm talking about me, no one else here...so, while your all reading this, please remember, this was my experience....

To make a long story short, in the end, before, my DIL and I reconciled, I kept thinking how silly a lot of this stuff really was.  It's like a situation that when it happens, gets you really upset, or angry, hurt or embarrassed, however, years down the road, you can look back and say, "That really wasn't so bad"  is the concept I'm trying to relay...and that is what happened to me...she misperceived my actions, I misperceived her actions...from the very beginning...trust and respect was lost....and each little thing that happened after that, was perceived wrong, and escalated the situation to a new all time horrible disaster.  It sometimes, not all the time, takes two to tango....and when I started realizing this, accepting it, and forgiving, along with apologizing...and by the way, when I apologized, my DIL told me something that I did...and I couldn't believe I did it...I wouldn't have done it an anyone else's home, I was a guest in her home, and how dare I do that...well, I cannot imagine how hurt and unhappy she was....I hope she and I, can look back, and say to ourselves, those things were so silly...and they were....it is all about how we perceive the actions of others, and when things go south, we as humans tend to take the actions of others, as a personal attack even more so...b/c we've made up our minds, that person hates us or is no good, or has set out to destroy our relationships with other family members...again, please know, that I'm not talking to anyone here in this forum, I'm simply sharing my experience, and my perception of what happened....with my DIL and I. 

So, yes, when we resolve things between us, regardless of who the other person involved is...a lot of times, we can look back on that disagreement as silly, and realize, it was more important to me then, to be right, then it was to try and view things from her point of view...or even talk to her about things right then and there....wich I didn't do....so, it was fear led, and magnified a thousand times, until it was almost to the point of ruin....I even cut them out of my life for 3 years...because I wanted to do what was best for all of us, and I knew, they were fighting over me....I didn't want that...more then anything...

So, the big things today, in some cases, might become very small things tomorrow, it's all in how we handle situations with other people....I believe respect also assumes responsibility for oneself, in letting people know what your uncomfortable with.  By saying nothing, escalates things  beyond the norm...and leaves the mind open to all kinds of assumptions....

So, while touching your belly may be a huge thing now, may down the road, 30 years from now, be something you might find comical, b/c I will tell you this, no matter who you are or where your from, as you grow older, your perspectives do and will change....that is life....we evolve with change and grow with the education of life....