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Have you ever apologized just to keep peace?

Started by blau10, April 06, 2010, 01:58:34 PM

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blau10

Thank you for all your replies.  I agree with so many of the comments.  And Chickiebaby, I too will sign up on your waiting list for your book (write it anomalously to confuse the DIL police). You sound like you have a lot of 'good sense' experience with DILs.  I did buy the Boundaries book and have already recognized how this book could help me improve myself.    And I agree with Clover an apology must be sincere to be believable and I just can't be sincere about this one since I would sincerely play the same way with my GD if I had the chance to do it over again.

2chickiebaby

Quote from: blau10 on April 07, 2010, 02:13:05 PM
Thank you for all your replies.  I agree with so many of the comments.  And Chickiebaby, I too will sign up on your waiting list for your book (write it anomalously to confuse the DIL police). You sound like you have a lot of 'good sense' experience with DILs.  I did buy the Boundaries book and have already recognized how this book could help me improve myself.    And I agree with Clover an apology must be sincere to be believable and I just can't be sincere about this one since I would sincerely play the same way with my GD if I had the chance to do it over again.

Dear Blau,
It's hard..it's the hardest thing I've ever been through.  Guest was wondering what to say to her DIL...?  That's the thing;
no matter what we say, it could be taken as an attack. 

The Counselor (I'M PAYING~~!!!...this still infuriates me!!)  to help me understand boundaries said that once I had the
boundaries, I'd be okay.  Well, goody.  I was okay BDIL.  Perfectly okay.  I had the world by the tail, so to speak.

I had a business I'd created from scratch, the love of many friends and what family I still had, I adored.  I never had trouble
speaking in public, being with people, outgoing, fun loving.  ADIL, all that changed.....I've always been expressive and
fun loving so the first time I caught the DIL making fun of me to our son, I was crushed.  "You're so dramatic" our son
said to me.  (yes, I know I am but when did this become a problem? .........answer?   ADIL!    DING DING DING)

I'm so confused now that I just give up almost.  I am going to group therapy tonight....(this reminds me of Bob Newhart,
an old TV show)

I'll let you all know how it goes.  The counselor said the ladies in there have no boundaries either and are learning.  Thrilling...like a trip to Italy. 

blau10

Dear Chickie,
I have been reading other posts and I have gotten a good idea of the hurt you have been through.  I feel for you and fear that I may be headed for the same fate. I do hope some day you can open communications with your DS. That's the most important. I know I would be torn if I didn't have my DS.  Right now, my DS still calls me regularly...I just don't get to see him or my GD.  He also tells me that my DIL is too much like me and he doesn't know how to get us to talk.  I've tried (without apologizing)  by inviting them over for dinner or her to a craft fair, but she won't budge and she refuses every invitation.

2chickiebaby

Dear Blau,
I do see him....it's not that.  It's that he will not talk privately to me anymore. He acts like he's terrified I'll ask him something
personal.  I used to do that...I would never do it again.  There was nothing about my questions except we were so close
at one time that our hearts were just in tune.  Now, he has to get everything cleared with the DIL first.  I have to go through
her.  Not the same!!

I know that someday you'll get to be close to your DIL, Blau.  If he calls you and talks about the situation, she will come
around.  He has a lot of courage to call.  Be very careful when talking to him.  I don't want him to tell his wife anything
you are saying to your son.  The problem is that whatever he says to her, she'll run it around in her head and figure
you've said something bad about her.

I'm glad you can talk to him!!  Good for you. :)

cocobars

OMG!  Good luck Chickie!  Let us know how the group therapy is... 

Bob Newhart??

kathleen

I greatly sympathize with your problem.  However, my mother raised me to repeatedly apologize to a spoiled little only child at school. Most of the incidents I apologized for never happened.  Or, something would be taken completely out of context---accidentally bumping into her during a game of pp pullaway, which she would take as deliberate. I was not a mean or hurtful child and no other children had this kind of problem with me.  The more I apologized to her, the more powerful she (and her mother) felt and the more they escalated.  In the end the mother was even going to the teacher demanding that grades be changed.   This so handicapped me in life that I am still unwittingly apologizing for many things, and often the response is a surprised "Why are you apologizing?"  Therefore I am never in favor of it.  I still have feelings toward my mother for not standing up for me.  She would always say, "You be the bigger person."  Why is it a "bigger person" who apologizes for nothing of fault?  It's simply telling a lie.

I am in your situation with a son and daughter-in-law who constantly shove us aside.  She has a pathological need to prove that her family is first always.  My husband has completely had enough, withdrew three years ago, and cut them out of the will.  When her actions became aggressively cruel, I finally, very reluctantly agreed.  Because he is an adopted child, and my two biological children do not act this way ever, I conclude there is something in his makeup or his childhood with us that has caused him to act this way.  But I will never apologize to her for something I did not do; I think this would just feed the whole thing, and cause her to feel even more powerful, and to "get away" with more shooting around corners and acts of unkindness. 

I hope your situation resolves more positively than mine did.  I've been checking on grandparents rights, but in my state, unless there is a divorce or custody issue, we have very little recourse.  Good luck.

---Kathleen

2chickiebaby

Quote from: kathleen on April 08, 2010, 07:23:42 AM
I greatly sympathize with your problem.  However, my mother raised me to repeatedly apologize to a spoiled little only child at school. Most of the incidents I apologized for never happened.  Or, something would be taken completely out of context---accidentally bumping into her during a game of pp pullaway, which she would take as deliberate. I was not a mean or hurtful child and no other children had this kind of problem with me.  The more I apologized to her, the more powerful she (and her mother) felt and the more they escalated.  In the end the mother was even going to the teacher demanding that grades be changed.   This so handicapped me in life that I am still unwittingly apologizing for many things, and often the response is a surprised "Why are you apologizing?"  Therefore I am never in favor of it.  I still have feelings toward my mother for not standing up for me.  She would always say, "You be the bigger person."  Why is it a "bigger person" who apologizes for nothing of fault?  It's simply telling a lie.

I am in your situation with a son and daughter-in-law who constantly shove us aside.  She has a pathological need to prove that her family is first always.  My husband has completely had enough, withdrew three years ago, and cut them out of the will.  When her actions became aggressively cruel, I finally, very reluctantly agreed.  Because he is an adopted child, and my two biological children do not act this way ever, I conclude there is something in his makeup or his childhood with us that has caused him to act this way.  But I will never apologize to her for something I did not do; I think this would just feed the whole thing, and cause her to feel even more powerful, and to "get away" with more shooting around corners and acts of unkindness. 

I hope your situation resolves more positively than mine did.  I've been checking on grandparents rights, but in my state, unless there is a divorce or custody issue, we have very little recourse.  Good luck.

---Kathleen

I so understand, Kathleen.  I really do.  I'm so tired to heaping loads of worry on myself about what I might have said,
a look I might have had...it's ridiculous and very hurtful to me.  My hat is off to you for not taking it anymore.

There isn't anything to compare with being a good parent and having a DIL whisper in your son's ear about all your short
comings.  Don't think we don't see it or feel it.  We weren't born yesterday.  The goal is to get to a point where you
don't care anymore.

My friend who has boat loads of money went to see her son.  While there, she told him, "you need to come home sometimes
and see us..your Mother, Dad, Sister, neices and nephews.  It is only right that you do that.

His response:  "MOM!!!!  SHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!  She will hear you!!!!!"  (the "she" being his wife)

My friend got on a plane and ended up back home.  Went straight to her lawyers office and wrote him out of the will.  While
I don't advocate this at all....cause it is very hurtful to be cut off, still, the Mother could not believe that she had raised this
son and here he is absolutely scared to death of the wrath of his wife~!!


MLW07

April 08, 2010, 10:34:02 AM #22 Last Edit: April 08, 2010, 12:33:42 PM by MLW07
Hi-

I am one of those DIL's that have one of the truly crazy MIL's.  I agree with most of the posters, do not apologize unless it is sincere.  My MIL is the queen of "I am sorry, but...".  The "non-apology" only makes things worse; she is also the queen of never apologizing for anything.   

MLW

Pen

I guess knowing about the Bob Newhart Show is what separates us "old folks" from the younger ones here :) If I found myself in group therapy (which I probably desperately need) I'd be trying so hard to keep a straight face now that I have the image of that show in my mind  :D

If DIL came to me with an example of something I did that hurt her, I would sincerely apologize. We could then talk it out and come to an understanding, like Creme did with her DIL. However, my DIL just doesn't like us. I would have to apologize for being here on the planet, and even then it wouldn't make any difference to her. According to DS, there is nothing we've done; it's her problem. However, we're being punished by having limited access to DS. Every time we see them we sense more distance between us; I try to stay positive but I can't help but feel we're heading for complete banishment. When DIL isn't around DS calls us and we have good conversations like we used to pre-DIL. If she's anywhere near, we hear an abrupt, brusque tone in his voice and the conversation is limited to general "how's the weather" topics.

My personality has changed, too. It's hard to be myself when I feel like I'm being watched, judged and criticised for every little thing from a spot on my shoe to a hair out of place to an unacceptable style of laughter. I find myself wondering if everyone feels that way about me, not just DIL? And so on and so on. DH is trying hard to encourage the old me to return, bless his heart. It's been rough. I feel as though we'll lose our son and future grandkids if we don't jump through DIL's hoops, but honestly I don't think it will matter what we do - she's already decided we are of no use to her and is just looking for excuses to cut us off.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

cocobars

Penstamen, sometimes I think there are people who you just can't reach.  I agree with your husband though and think the "old" Pen should come out.  Sometimes when I'm the happiest, things are better for me and it helps me see that it really is someone else's problem and not me personally.  I won't stop living and breathing because someone has a problem, and if they will not talk to me and tell me what I can do to help, then why not laugh and be myself!  I'm not going to change them, just me, and someday they may come up to me and change their own view.  Time changes things, so we never know what the future has in store.  If you stay upset and miserable all the years inbetween, then when (not if) that day comes you will see nothing but the pain you let that person affect on your life.  But if you can be happy, then I believe when (not if) that day comes, you will just be able to forgive easier and invite that person back into your life so they will see the wonderful person you still are, instead of the misery you feel.  That''s just my feelings about this, and I do believe alot of us here are going through some temporary things that time will change.  I'm looking forward to my day with my daughter, and I know you are looking forward to your day with your son too!  It's my hope and prayer that God will send us angels to help heal these relationships that are so important to us. 

But in the meantime, we can still laugh, love and live!  It will be nice when they join us!

Sending you heartfelt hugs and lots of love...

cremebrulee

Quote from: michelledona on April 07, 2010, 09:31:25 AM
The best thing you can do is say, "I'm so sorry you felt that way" and know that you are not saying sorry because you did something wrong but that you are saying sorry bc DIL felt a certain way. Separate yourself from it, and just say it as if you are saying sorry that it is raining outside. Whatever you have to do to keep the peace because if you don't apologize in some way, it will affect your relationship with your GD- just swallow your pride for her...   

I agree with you...

blau10

Penstaman,
Yours DS and mine must be talking with each other.  He has the same problem.  If his wife is around he is a completely different person to me.  I have not been allowed to call him on his home line for years.  I don't think she allows him to use it.  Thank goodness he has his own cell phone.  That's the only telephone he uses to talk with me unless his wife isn't home, then he will call me on the home phone for a very short conversation to show me he is allowed to use that phone.
And I also can not be myself when my DIL is anywhere near.  When I do I always see an evil look in her eye and will quickly tense up.
I do like everyone's idea of 'cutting' them off, but I only have 1 child, my DS and the DIL knows everything goes to her husband, so she doesn't have to worry about that. On the other hand, my Dad will not give me one of my Mother's rings because he knows that it will end up in the DIL's hands eventually and that's the last person he wants to have it.  I think he may give it to my sister in his will so my DIL doesn't get it.